sinkerswim Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 Most of you know my saga... Been with my guy for 8 years...engaged, had a fight about me being too possessive..etc. Well, it started with..he wasnt breaking up with me.. he wouldnt leave me. I blow things out of proportion. Then the next night after I was crying and asking again if he was going to break up with me... it was if I dont stop this behavior, he will break up with me. Then the next day, it was he needs his space to "cool down" for a few days. If that was "ok" with me... being sarcastic. A couple days after that.. he wasnt sure what he wanted to do yet. Even though he said 8 years is a long time. that let into a week later, (valentines day) where I called him and he still needed space and didnt know what to tell me yet. I wrote a letter, a card and a note with my new number and address during those times. That led into a phone call on March 17th. Because I couldnt stand it anymore. He didnt really want to talk to me, because he was getting ready for work. In other words..I was bugging him. I asked if he forgot about me and he didnt answer. Then I asked if I will talk to him again (I asked ALL the wrong questions) And he said "I dont know, Renee" I said to him.. "Its been 8 years, Ive never lied to you Ive never cheated on you..why are you doing this to me'? And he said "He had to get ready for work" He said he had my new number and address when I asked. So that gave me peace of mind if anything. I told him I loved him and we said Bye. What bothers me in this situation...he never gave me the time to really sit down to discuss what happened. We have both been through so much over these years. We never had a breakup, we were together all the time... Ive stood by him during the hardest times in his life. That is what is bothering me.. That if he wanted to just end it with me...why cant he at least give me the common courtesy of just telling me instead of beating around the bush. I know he probably thinks I would freak out... which I would..I cant lie. But, why would he let me down this way..instead of just saying it. He owes me that much after 8 years. Every single day..I live with guilt, maybe I did this...maybe I did that. But I wish he would at least discuss it with me. I have so many unanswered questions. I love him dearly and with all my heart and soul. To me this seems all too unreal. Like its a bad dream. I have a new apartment which he has never seen. This all happened so suddenly. A couple of my friends say its too coincidental. That its probably all tied in.. Like a commitment phobe type of thing. He is 30 and I am 31. Just in January hes telling me that he loves me and would never leave me. But on Feb 3rd, he wants space. How the heck do I go on... EVERY DAY withouth knowing the answers to everything. I dont want to call him yet..its too soon. I would rather let it go for awhile, if I try again. I just want him to talk to me. Just tell me that its over...if thats what it has to be.. but at least let me talk a little. Im devastated and I cry over this every day. Its hard to move on... or go on. He was my future, my future husband... My life has been torn apart in a blink of an eye. Help me.
Arabess Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 Sink, Based on your previous posts.....I think you should work on YOU a little before trying to get something from HIM. By being adamant to speak to him, you are only reiterating what he broke up with you for in the first place. You may never be able to repair your relationship with this man....but you can get control of your problem enough to be able to have a healthy relationship with someone in the future. I KNOW you want answers. The deal is...he GAVE you an answer. He said he wanted out of the relationship and told you why. Actually, you've gotten more of an answer than lots of women get. Many of them don't even get a hint as to why.
overseas2004 Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 Usually men don't want to talk about it and Arabess is right. YOu got more answers than most of us get. I have some friends who the guy just stopped calling after years of dating. I also agree with Arabess that by insisting on speaking to him, you are just reinforcing the reason he left in the first place. Your number one priority is to deal with yourself now. YOu have not discussed with us how deep your problems are but you have recognized them and claim to have had them. Until you grapple with them, you will not be good in this or any other possible relationship.
Made_a_Mistake Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 Sink, I feel so sorry for you. A lot of us on this forum understand exactly what you are going through and are going through the pain with you. In 1997 my husband (a man I had been with for 7 years) rang one day and said he wasn't coming home. He never told me why and in the months that followed he could only spare me 20 minutes of his time to tell me...nothing. He clammed up, couldn't even look me in the eye. It hurt SO much that I thought I would die and I went through the whole denial, anger, grieving thing. Eventually I found out from friends that he'd met someone in a nightclub, got her pregnant and decided to "do the right thing" by her. I can't tell you how much I hurt and for how long. In retrospect I think it took me 2 years to get over it properly but I DID survive and I'm telling you this story now because I really want you to believe that the pain does fade and life DOES get better. You've had so much good advice from the wonderful people on this site. PLEASE PLEASE listen to it. It may not feel like it now but your life will get so much better. I think I read on another of your posts a response from someone who said "give yourself closure if he won't give it to you". Please do this for your own sanity. You will drive yourself nuts if you don't! Stop asking why this has happened, accept that it HAS and concentrate on getting yourself feeling better. I truly believe that what made me better was "getting a life" as we say in the UK! I joined an amatuer dramatic group, worked part time in a bar - I made heaps of new friends in the process and changed my life. I am a better person for what that experience taught me, I truly believe that. Please do yourself a favour and put what has happened to you, horrible though it is, behind you. It is over, no if's, no buts it's OVER. He's an idiot and it's his loss. Start looking forward. You haven't wasted 8 years, because you've learned from what's happened and it's taught you things about yourself. Don't waste the time you have, please live your life - you only have this one chance. I'm sorry this post is so long, but I really do feel for you. It breaks my heart everytime I read one of your posts because I know EXACTLY how you feel and I really want you to know that you will get through this, you will survive and I am living proof! Take good care of yourself. xx
verysad Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 Sink, I totally understand your pain. I feel like we're in a similar situation even though we weren't engaged, we were going to be any day now and totally planned our life together. I understand that you don't understand. How can someone who loved you so much all of a sudden not want to be with you anymore? How can he be so cold and aloof about the situation? Does he care? Does he miss you? What is he thinking? These endless questions never end, but you have to realize that you don't need an answer. Because even if you got an answer from him, you will not accept it and will keep asking. There will always be more why's because plain and simple, you don't feel the same way he does. You can't understand. And you don't have to. I've realized that I don't have to understand why my ex did what he did. I just have to honestly admit to myself that it is over and try to focus on me! It is so hard to have someone all of a sudden taken out of your life and there is nothing that you can do about it. All of a sudden, you don't have weekend plans. Something happens, you can't call him. You don't have someone to say good night too.....It sucks! But I guess it's the hand we were dealt right now. Try to keep busy and do NOT contact him. Let him miss you. Only then will he truly see what he wants and figure things out. And you will too. You cannot know for now if it's over for good...you really can't. Only time will tell. I always wish I had a crstal ball and could see what the future will bring or how long will it take until we talk again. Because I know eventually I'm sure we will. But for now, it is over, whether he told you that in words or not. His actions are showing that. So just concentrate on you now. Get mad at him. I know it's hard b/c you said he's not an a**hole, and neither is my ex, but they are being selfish now and not appreciating us. So they did something wrong to us that we don't deserve. So we should be mad. For now, anger is what gets me through. Because when the "sad" and "i miss him" and "why" thoughts come into my head, it's all downhill! Stay strong. I will talk to you whenever you want. Talk to everyone on the board. We will ALL get through this. One day, we will regret that we wasted our sadness on them.
Arabess Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 I agree with you Made..... It does take about 2 years. There are phases and it certainly isn't as sharp of a pain thru all of them....but it does take time. The first three months though....I was a complete basketcase. ANYTHING could set me off and make me cry! It's been almost 1.5 years now and I'm in the Home Stretch. I feel better and rarely even think of him. I no longer CARE what his reasoning was......I think he's a great big F*CKER**** and I would never even entertain the idea of taking him back or even speaking to him again.
Made_a_mistake Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 You see Sink? Arabess is on the home stretch - so it does get better! I'm so glad you feel like that Arabess, I agree! - I went through very similar emotions, now I don't feel anything for him at all - good luck to him, it's his loss! I've had a few relationships since, none of them as long or as serious but that also helps to get your self esteem back on an even keel - just knowing that someone else finds you attractive helps. You never know who will come out of the woodwork when they find out you're single again! Sink - do you have friends that could go with you to a movie or something? Go out and do something that you feel comfortable doing but that takes your mind off things. This is the start of your new life!! How exciting!!! And, when you do venture out, SMILE - it makes you so much more attractive AND it makes everyone wonder what you've been up to!!! No-one is pretending this is going to be easy. You have to put yourself first from now on. YOU are the ONLY one who can make your life what it is so, you have a choice, you can curl up into a ball and allow yourself to be destroyed by this man or, you can take a deep breath and show the world what kind of person you are - you will survive this but you have to help yourself - take baby steps to start with. We're all here for you! xx
look forward Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 Sink i read your post and it almost brought tears to my eyes as i am also on that road to recovery.. its a killer it really is but as everyone else here has said it does get easier.. Please please try and focus on yourself not him.. i was with my partner for nearly 9 years and like you i got hardly any answers.. I thought i was going to die and it really did feel like i had lost a part of my body.. but as hard as it was i picked myself up and struggled through the days.. take it one day at a time and sooner or later you'll start to feel a little like yourself again.. it does take time though and it wont be easy but you'll get there.. For me i kept myself busy I joined a gym and met loads of new people perhaps you could join something to occupy yourself with.. I feel your pain I really do but have faith in the fact you will get over this.. stop asking questions or you'll drive yourself mad.. Its over period!! Accept it and look forward who knows what the future holds you might get back together you might not, if not you will meet someone who is equally as special as you are.. Remember one day at a time.. Give yourself closure honey its the only way... Love and hugs to you XXXX
Author sinkerswim Posted March 24, 2004 Author Posted March 24, 2004 You guys I appreciate all your advice... I really do. You know it helps me out tremendously. I do have stuff that I do. I am very involved with an AHL team for hockey, they are Pittsburghs farm team. Anyway, for the past 3 years Ive been into volunteering for them and stuff. But sometimes its hard to focus, because this dilemna is always on my mind. Or...I get overwhelmed when I go watch the games. Because of all the people. He used to go with me at times, and I miss that. Anyway, I have an awards banquet this Sunday to go to and I have to present something I made for one of the players. So...I got that done today at my friends house. It will take my mind off things for awhile anyway, that day. I am really trying to keep my mind occupied...but its ALWAYS there. Im scared. Im just really scared. I dont know if I will ever see him again....but then again, nobody knows what the future holds. Im sorry everyone else is going through these tough times. Im always here to talk to you. Lets help each other out. Thanks for being there for me guys. YOu dont know how much I need to come here.
Made_a_Mistake Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 I've been thinking about your situation since these posts yesterday and I don't know if this will help, but this is what my councellor told me after I split up from my husband... She made me promise to myself that each day I would limit the amount of time I would "wallow" in self pity at my situation, feel sorry for myself, cry, think about him blah blah and then I had to punch and kick the living daylights out of a cushion or something else soft (not the cat!!) and then go and do something positive for me. So to start off with you allow yourself say 30 minutes a day and you are only allowed these thoughts for 30 minutes! Absolutely no more than that! Then you gradually reduce the amount of time that you are allowed to have these thoughts - say down to 25, then 20 etc. Maybe you decide for the first 2 weeks you need 30 mins a day, then the next week you can cope with 25 mins a day etc. Then eventually, and this is EXACTLY how it worked for me, you get down to about 10 mins and you suddenly realise that you are FORCING yourself to think about him and that you don't actually WANT to think about him or your situation anymore. Please try - it might help. You are doing some really positive stuff by the sounds of it, so you are beginning to cope. There is no need to be scared - life is exciting and you only get the one go at it! You will survive and you will meet someone who treats you with the respect you deserve - be sure of that. Please keep strong and take care. Good luck! xx
overseas2004 Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 Renee That sounds like a good idea the 30 minutes thing. Except in your case I would start by allowing yourself more time because I don't think you could do the thrirty minutes thing right now. Try like giving yourself 3 hours or 4. Then just get a punching bag. Gosh that would help me....
curiousgeorge Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 I did the same thing to my ex wife when we were breaking up. I figured I would tell you this because you sound like you are in such bad shape. Anyway I did not want to talk to her for three months. I was angry for what she had done to our relationship. Even though we had both contributed somehow to the demise of the relationship. At that time I really blamed her. I am not saying that I think I was being nice. I really needed time to see how I felt because everything was so garbled in my head. She made several attempts to talk to me and I shut her down stone cold. I did not go to talk to her until months later. I think it was about three months after we broke up that I set a time and place to see her. Clearing things up is essential I think for every person involved in a relationship. I think eventually you will get that since you had such a long relationship. I had an obligation of course and I also felt the need eventually to face our problems. I think my need for this came much later. My ex wife was always better at communicating than I was. I needed time to formulate and opinion and figure out how I was going to say it. Heck, all women are better at communicating than I am.
Author sinkerswim Posted March 25, 2004 Author Posted March 25, 2004 Curious.. My boyfriend has a really hard time communicating. He bottles up his emotions and thats what scares me about all of this. I hope he DOES come back to at least talk to me about things. This will catch up to him sooner or later. I know it will. How can 8 years go by and him not at least talking about it with me? He always told me nobody ever treated him as good as I do. But now...I dont have him. God...this hurts bad.
verysad Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 Sink: I am just telling you this story because you have to be optimistic. I know a couple who dated for 8 years, then got engaged. Four months before the wedding he called it off, saying they were too different and he didn't think it would work. They may have had their invitations out, I'm not sure, but they put money down on property together and lost all their money on their wedding. They were broken up for around a year, and went a long time with no contact. All of a sudden a year later, he wanted her back. They started seeing each other and a couple months later, he reproposed. I'm not saying this happens in every case, it's probably rare. But you have to live your life and be optimistic. You never know what will happen. Hopefully he will come to his senses....If not, I'm sure you will be better off - not because he isn't a great guy and you had a great relationship, but because you want to be with someone who wants to be with you as much as you with them. Stay positive.
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