Forge Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 So, long story short: I've been very good friends with this girl for many years now, and I've liked her for a very long time. I confessed my feelings towards her last summer and she told me that she cared about me, but that something just held her back. I accepted how she felt and continued hanging out with her as a friend, but I couldn't let her go. Then, some days ago, she confessed that she had feelings for me. I told her that I hadn't let her go and asked if we should give it a try, and she said yes. She told me that she wanted to take this relationship very slowly, which I respect. Here are my questions: 1. Why does she want to take it slow? Is she still insecure about her feelings towards me? 2. Do I even have any chance at all? 3. How can I make her feel more comfortable?
Duckduckgoose Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 She's probably confused since she has now acknowledged she has feelings for a friend. She wants to take it slow so she can process the feelings from friend into boyfriend. Good relationships don't /happen/, they are built over time. Since you were already friends you have a good base there. Taking it the next level is a huge step for both of ya'll. She may also wish to take it slow because of her own personal values. Maybe she takes things slowly with all boyfriends... like no sex for a little while, etc while she sizes you up (not literally but it was a funny analogy) as potential long-term/marriage material. I guess the taking the physical part slowly depends on her past relationships of which the OP mentions nothing about. Obviously if she has told you she has feelings for you, then you have a chance. The extent of her feelings determine how much of a chance you'll get. Not fair since you've been friends with her so long, but that's relation****s for you... (c wut i did thar?) How can you make her feel more comfortable? Don't pressure her. If you've been progressing into the relationship for a while, ASK her and make sure it's okay to do certain things. Is it okay for kisses now? Fondling, oral, sex, etc. Go at her pace. She might initiate these things, but probably not. I imagine she's gauging your interest level right now as much as you are hers. I would be banging my head on the damn wall if they moved too slowly, but I would do my damndest to respect them. Just try and be there for her, not just as a friend but now as a boyfriend.
phineas Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Been there, done that, got multiple T-shirts. She isn't sexually attracted to you. She likes you & doesn't want to loose the attention you give her, but she don't want to get naked with you. Trust me on this, when someone you have known wants to date you but says "I want to take it slow" it does not end well. You've been friends for yrs. How much slower can you go? what is going to happen is you are going to get tired of waiting, get frustrated, ect. She will give in, have sex with you & act like it's a fricken chore, get distant then say she just wants to be friends. Women that want a man NEVER want to take it slow. Taking it slow is a womans way to keep you paying attention to her while she finds a man she really wants to have sex with. I'm sorry, but this woman will break your heart if you "take things slow" Tell her sex = exclusivity then go & date other women. see how she likes that. Prepare for manipulation techniques.
Author Forge Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 We are both virgins, so it's kinda new for the both of us. None of us really have past relationships either, everything is very new to us in other words.
NeptunedIN Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 "1. Why does she want to take it slow? Is she still insecure about her feelings towards me? 2. Do I even have any chance at all? 3. How can I make her feel more comfortable?" 1. Personally, I want to take things slow with someone I genuinely care about and with whom I want a potential long-term relationship. What's the rush? Otherwise, easy-come, easy-go, at least that's what dating in my twenties taught me. I want something that simmer's, cooks in the flavor all day, not some microwave prepared meal. 2. Yes, you have a chance 3. Ask her what would make her feel more comfortable. You can't wrong with directly communicating with her. She could potentially have a million other things going on with her (trust issues, past trauma, depression, scared, etc) that could be holding her back from a relationship with ANYone right now, so I'd hesitate before you you assume it's you and why won't she just jump into your arms. Since you've known her for several years, you probably have better idea of what's going on in her personal life or her past relationships than anyone on here. Why don't you find out the real issues here and then see if you want to pursue something further with her. Good luck!
daphne Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 If you're both virgins, that right there's a good reason to take it slow. Also, she may be worried that your friendship will fail and wants to take it slow in case you're incompatible, you can still back up and be friends at least. Just respect her wishes and have fun. Like another poster said, there's no need to rush.
NeptunedIN Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Edit last post: Since neither of you guys have dated, and are both virgins, she's just scared (I remember what that was like). She may not even know what would make her feel more comfortable, but not pressuring her and gaining her trust are probably a good place to start. Remember, emotional OR physical intimacy can be scary. Good luck!
humanracer25 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Been there, done that, got multiple T-shirts. She isn't sexually attracted to you. She likes you & doesn't want to loose the attention you give her, but she don't want to get naked with you. Trust me on this, when someone you have known wants to date you but says "I want to take it slow" it does not end well. You've been friends for yrs. How much slower can you go? what is going to happen is you are going to get tired of waiting, get frustrated, ect. She will give in, have sex with you & act like it's a fricken chore, get distant then say she just wants to be friends. Women that want a man NEVER want to take it slow. Taking it slow is a womans way to keep you paying attention to her while she finds a man she really wants to have sex with. I'm sorry, but this woman will break your heart if you "take things slow" Tell her sex = exclusivity then go & date other women. see how she likes that. Prepare for manipulation techniques. without hijacking this thread, I would like to say I agree with the above comments. I used to think the "taking it slow" thing was just really taking your time and getting to know each other first. But I often found while I was "taking it slow", the girl jumped into bed with another man who was obviously more pushy/dominant than me. In an ideal world I think people should take their time but now it seems like "if you aren't fast, you're last"
phineas Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Disregard what I said OP. see, the fact you are both virgins should of been the first thing you posted. LOL! I honestly have no advice for two virgins. However, my advice stands for people that have had sex before.
musemaj11 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I wanted to say that she is just not that into you. But since you both are virgins then NEVER MIND.
Author Forge Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 Thanks for all the advice, it really helps me continue going for this relationship! I will continue to respect her decisions and take the next step when she is ready.
Feelin Frisky Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Forge, she is in the process of changing over from "having you" in one way and "wanting you" in another. Romance is all about "want". Do not rush things here or you will kill the full development of that "want". This "want" seems to come at the cost of "having" you in that other way. So if you plod heavily here, you will lose completely. If you really "want" her, you'll concern yourself with what it takes for her to fully "want" you. I urge that you take the good feeling that comes with discovering someone you already know is starting to "want" you and just revel in it privately for a while. Give her time and space to want you more and more. Keep her developing sense of want growing with your actions and restraints. You may just be on the verge of the love of your life. But you will kill it if you only indulge your own wants. Treat her with repect and loyalty and don't smother her or demand things on your time-table.
bac Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 She told me that she wanted to take this relationship very slowly, which I respect. Here are my questions: 1. Why does she want to take it slow? Is she still insecure about her feelings towards me? 2. Do I even have any chance at all? 3. How can I make her feel more comfortable? How can anybody answer your questions if we do not know anything about her? The answers depend on her age, attitude, emotions, upbringing, common sense, life style and many other things. IMO you have a good chance. If you want to make her feel comfortable, get to know her better and accept her for who she is.
Questionis Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Just talk to her and meet up with her and you will get a sense of what she likes, she also has the chance to get to know you. Just concentrate on that for now
Recommended Posts