noelle303 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Hi Jessy, I'm obviously a little late with this, but I've just seen it and I hope you read through it. I am currently expecting a daughter (in March) with an xMM (someone already linked to my thread). He also wanted me to have an abortion really badly but I decided against it. Just like you, I wanted him to at least be there for our child, not necessarily for us to be together but just for him to step up as the father. Unfortunately, this didn't happen. I had a very very hard time with accepting this, it really is a journey and you I never probably fully make peace with it but my child will not have a life of misery. It will not be unhappy, it will not be without love and support, I am going to make sure of that. I read somewhere that as mothers we have something that keeps us going no matter what. I am not a mother yet, and am terrified of how things are going to go once she is here but I fully intend to work my butt of for this baby. Take good care of yourself because all the stress I endured during my first trimester really took a toll. Ask away if there's anything you need!
woinlove Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Hi Jessy, I'm obviously a little late with this, but I've just seen it and I hope you read through it. I am currently expecting a daughter (in March) with an xMM (someone already linked to my thread). He also wanted me to have an abortion really badly but I decided against it. Just like you, I wanted him to at least be there for our child, not necessarily for us to be together but just for him to step up as the father. Unfortunately, this didn't happen. I had a very very hard time with accepting this, it really is a journey and you I never probably fully make peace with it but my child will not have a life of misery. It will not be unhappy, it will not be without love and support, I am going to make sure of that. I read somewhere that as mothers we have something that keeps us going no matter what. I am not a mother yet, and am terrified of how things are going to go once she is here but I fully intend to work my butt of for this baby. Take good care of yourself because all the stress I endured during my first trimester really took a toll. Ask away if there's anything you need! Good for you, Noelle, for your strength and commitment! I find being a mother to be one of life's greatest joys. It always comes with some challenges, and I can appreciate in your situation there will likely be alot of challenges, but there will be plenty of joy and passion too. And, Jessy, I wish you lots of strength too.
Ellin Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 and you call someone else "self righteous"? Are you adopted? If yes, I am sorry that your experience has been so awful that you would say the things you do. If not, then how dare you speak for those of us who ARE adopted, have very loving adoptive parent ( they are my "mom and dad" and I don't think of them in any other light) and are doing just fine. Yes, I called someone self righteous, and not only because of the post in this thread. And I don't see what it has to do with me stating what I did about a child being better off with the real mother. Neither did I speak for those of you who ARE adopted. I merely responded to a particular post commenting on this particular case and all I said is correct. If there is a loving capable mother willing to take care of her child, it is far better for that child to stay with her than being given to strangers (yes, strangers, because this is what they are to the child before she/he is adopted) and no one has right to claim otherwise just because the mother will not have the baby's father's support etc. Nothing offensive about that. It is also a fact that any normal woman with normal maternal instincts would experience great trauma in response to having her child adopted and it would be something that would cast a shadow over her entire life, even if she learned to live with it. Nothing offensive about that. Similarly, it is well recognized in psychology that it is also a major trauma for a child to be separated from her/his mother, even shortly after birth and it is something that might not be remembered on a conscious level but will rarely be without any consequences for the child's future. Nothing offensive about that. Of course, if the separation has already occurred or is necessary due to the mother's inability to care for her child for some reason, it is by far the best solution for the child to be adopted by good people who are willing to give her/him a loving home. I never negated this in my post, nor the ability of many adoptive parents to be really good ones.
woinlove Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 While I think the original post about adoption was cruel and not helpful, I don't know what you are trying to accomplish with your followup post, Ellin, which gives the impression that you see adoption as not "normal" and cruel. I think any woman faced with an unplanned pregnancy has the right to consider all options, abortion, adoption, and keeping the baby and that each of this can be the right decision in some cases. I understand that some think abortion is wrong under any circumstances, and while I respect that view, I do not agree with it. I also don't think a woman who chooses adoption is not "normal" as you imply, Ellin. Some choose this option because they are against abortion and believe this will give the child the best opportunity. There are many loving families that want to adopt. As to evidence that children suffer from being taken away from their mother, I'm not sure whether you are referring to genetic mothers or birth mothers, or if both conditions need to be met. By now there likely are scientific studies of surrogate mothers, as well as mothers who are both birth and parenting mothers, but not genetic. In any case, every year over a million children are abused in the US alone, and many more who are not having their most basic needs met. Those are extremely sad statistics, each corresponding to a hurting child. I think the greatest gift any adult can give is to provide a child with a loving and nurturing environment - whether that is their genetic, birth or adopted child. To me, that is far more important than whose egg or uterus was involved, even though those are also important factors which mean a great deal to the people involved. Still, in my opinion, the unconditional love given continuously over decades trumps the biology of months.
Ellin Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 (edited) While I think the original post about adoption was cruel and not helpful, I don't know what you are trying to accomplish with your followup post, Ellin, which gives the impression that you see adoption as not "normal" and cruel. And I don't know what you are trying to accomplish by dissecting my previous post and making a big deal out of it, as well as putting into it something that isn't there. Nowhere did I say tha adoption is cruel but I did say that is it wrong to imply that a child will be better off with strangers than the loving mother just because she'll be single. I've said it now three times, which part is difficult to understand? And my "follow up" post was a response to someone who had a go at me for no good reason, which I'm perfectly entitled to, and not to you. I think any woman faced with an unplanned pregnancy has the right to consider all options, abortion, adoption, and keeping the baby and that each of this can be the right decision in some cases. And where did I say she doesn't ???? I also don't think a woman who chooses adoption is not "normal" as you imply, Ellin. Some choose this option because they are against abortion and believe this will give the child the best opportunity. There are many loving families that want to adopt. I did not imply anything like that and I'm not responsible for what YOU want to see in my post, while it's not there. I did not say a normal woman would not choose adoption if necessary - I said a normal woman could not be unaffected by it! FGS. As to evidence that children suffer from being taken away from their mother, I'm not sure whether you are referring to genetic mothers or birth mothers, or if both conditions need to be met. By now there likely are scientific studies of surrogate mothers, as well as mothers who are both birth and parenting mothers, but not genetic. Surrogate mothers, meaning those who carry a baby that is not genetically theirs, are a fairly new phenomenon and I don't think there are many studies about it. I was talking about the usual situation of a woman who gives birth to her own child, however, I suppose that even if the child is not genetically hers the separation would not be without any effect on that child. How is it relevant, anyway? In any case, every year over a million children are abused in the US alone, and many more who are not having their most basic needs met. Those are extremely sad statistics, each corresponding to a hurting child. I think the greatest gift any adult can give is to provide a child with a loving and nurturing environment - whether that is their genetic, birth or adopted child. To me, that is far more important than whose egg or uterus was involved, even though those are also important factors which mean a great deal to the people involved. Still, in my opinion, the unconditional love given continuously over decades trumps the biology of months. I never said anything contrary to what you wrote above, I even wrote exactly the same thing in my previous post - so why are you going on and on about these things? Edited February 13, 2011 by Ellin
woinlove Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Ellin, if your followup post was just to make it clear that a loving mother has every right to raise her child, I completely agree. I thought it reinforced negative things about adoption, but maybe I misinterpreted it. Sorry about that.
Ellin Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 That's ok Wo. These are emotive issues that can be misinterpreted, especially if someone is personally affected by them. I didn't want to upset anyone.
Emme Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Um.... Mmmmm... I am not sure what your religious beliefs are and if they are playing a part in your decision to keep this child. A man whom you've been with for 9 months who is married to someone else who wants you to terminate doesn't give a damn. Now knowing that, if you are prepared to bring a child in this world knowing that the father is not supportive, fine. That's your call, it's your body. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. The only person that is going to suffer is that child, not you. You are an adult.. who slept with a married man willingly your pain is yours to bear. You made the choice. Having that mans baby will not make you the winner. Having that mans baby will not make him love you more. Having that mans baby won't make you happy if it's for the wrong reasons. Good luck to you and by the way congratulations.
desertIslandCactus Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Um.... Mmmmm... I am not sure what your religious beliefs are and if they are playing a part in your decision to keep this child. A man whom you've been with for 9 months who is married to someone else who wants you to terminate doesn't give a damn. Now knowing that, if you are prepared to bring a child in this world knowing that the father is not supportive, fine. That's your call, it's your body. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. The only person that is going to suffer is that child, not you. You are an adult.. who slept with a married man willingly your pain is yours to bear. You made the choice. Having that mans baby will not make you the winner. Having that mans baby will not make him love you more. Having that mans baby won't make you happy if it's for the wrong reasons. Good luck to you and by the way congratulations. I don't think it makes any difference Why someone chooses to allow their Baby Life. Importantly, this little human life has been conceived and is here. Also, I believe the baby will be a blessing.. it's adults that make things otherwise.
Emme Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 (edited) Also, I believe the baby will be a blessing.. it's adults that make things otherwise. Exactly! She knew this going in and I hope this goes well, if not don't be surprised. Edited February 15, 2011 by Emme
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