jessyj Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I dont really know where to start with this post. Its my second time posting to this forum and I previously spoke about my relationship with MM. I have been in a relationship for 9 months and have recently found out I am two months pregnant. I am completely in shock and I dont know how to cope. This obviously wasnt planned and I feel like my career is ruined and I am very much on my own I have told MM and while he wants me to have a termination(obviously an easy option for him) I have decided against it. We have not had a chance to discuss whether he is going to leave and support me or what he is going to do. I have a feeling that reality has hit my MM and as much as he says he loves me I am on my own. I would obviously love his support and would love him to be there for his child but am i being realistic? Has anyone else here been in a similar situation ? Or Can anyone offer any advice? Would be very interested to hear from any MM that faced this situation.
TinaniT Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Just hoping for peace for you. Knowyour MM does have certain legal obligations if you need that, regardless of what happens. (though if you pursue that, it would give him room in the child's life, which you might not want if he doesn't respond well) Good luck.
MorningCoffee Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Feel for you jessyj. There was a recent series of threads of support for a woman in your position. Here's a link to one of those threads. Hopefully these and the replies you will get will be useful. Good luck. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t239615/
Fight4Me Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I dont really know where to start with this post. Its my second time posting to this forum and I previously spoke about my relationship with MM. I have been in a relationship for 9 months and have recently found out I am two months pregnant. I am completely in shock and I dont know how to cope. This obviously wasnt planned and I feel like my career is ruined and I am very much on my own First of all.... just breathe. Why do you think your career is ruined because you're having a baby? Yes, children add another layer of responsibility, but they also add many more layers of joy! I know you're panicking, but regardless of whether your MM steps up, you really aren't alone. You can and will find support among friends and family, and if not, then it's time to find NEW friends. I have told MM and while he wants me to have a termination(obviously an easy option for him) I have decided against it. I commend you for this. Do you suppose that, besides the fact that he's married, that his greatest reason for wanting you to terminate is because of the age gab and doesn't want to start over again with fatherhood? We have not had a chance to discuss whether he is going to leave and support me or what he is going to do. I have a feeling that reality has hit my MM and as much as he says he loves me I am on my own. I would obviously love his support and would love him to be there for his child but am i being realistic?At the very least, you will be able to count on his financial support, and please do not hesitate to pursue that aspect. I know it's easy to be convinced to try to make it easy on him because you love him, but this is about your baby you're carrying, who is far more important (trust me, you'll understand this when they lay him/her in your arms). As for him "being there," this is where the rubber meets the road and will ultimately spotlight his true character for you. There's no way to predict, but from one woman to another, I can at least guarantee that there is great joy ahead for you regardless. If he shrugs his responsibility, there are a lot of fantastic single men out there who are more than willing to be a true father to a child who belongs to the woman he loves. Don't settle for less than what you and your new baby deserve. Has anyone else here been in a similar situation ? Or Can anyone offer any advice? Would be very interested to hear from any MM that faced this situation.I can only give advice from a mother's perspective, but I can at least tell you that the love you'll have for this baby will make everything else pale in comparison. No matter what happens with MM, you will survive and not only is this not the end of the world, but it's a wonderful new beginning. I truly wish you and your baby the very best!
phillyfan Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I dont really know where to start with this post. Its my second time posting to this forum and I previously spoke about my relationship with MM. I have been in a relationship for 9 months and have recently found out I am two months pregnant. I am completely in shock and I dont know how to cope. This obviously wasnt planned and I feel like my career is ruined and I am very much on my own I have told MM and while he wants me to have a termination(obviously an easy option for him) I have decided against it. We have not had a chance to discuss whether he is going to leave and support me or what he is going to do. I have a feeling that reality has hit my MM and as much as he says he loves me I am on my own. I would obviously love his support and would love him to be there for his child but am i being realistic? Has anyone else here been in a similar situation ? Or Can anyone offer any advice? Would be very interested to hear from any MM that faced this situation. Dude u havnt ruined anythin, that baby is a beautiful thing in ur life, lots of memories to come, lots of adventures, life will b different but u will make it a big success. U can do this on ur own, no problem. But dont let a guy who wants u to abort ur beautiful baby stay in ur life, u need to 100% forget that guy, he is wrong for u.
desertIslandCactus Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 (edited) Hi Jesse, I think you're doing really well. Having just found out you're pregnant and deciding to give birth and embrace your baby. It is a legal expectation that the MM is to give child support. With his committed situation, please don't let him intimidate you. I do know of a few who are going through similar pregnancies, and will see what I can do about arranging contact. The thread that MorningCoffee has lead you to: She is expecting her baby girl next month. (I think she has 3 or 4 simultaneous threads of her testimony.) Take care and please keep posting. Edited February 8, 2011 by desertIslandCactus
OpenBook Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Congratulations Jessy, you're going to be a Mama! It's one of the greatest joys of life. I view my own DD as my greatest blessing and greatest accomplishment too!! :love: I raised her as a single Mom ever since her dad and I split up when she was only a year old. I'll NEVER claim the journey was easy; it's a tough road to raise a child by yourself. But there are bazillions of men and women out there doing it. You can too. What helped me the most through the tough times was support from others - friends, family, going to church, even work. Not much different from married people, in fact, when I think about it! The most ideal situation for me and DD was when we lived near a bunch of other single Moms - we kinda formed our own "community" - watching each other's kids, enjoying our friendship with each other. It is one of our favorite memories as a mother/daughter. I hope your MM comes through with some form of support, as the child is his as well. But even if he doesn't, you're going to be fine. For me, at daycare, in school, at the grocery store, etc. etc., there were so many other single Moms it didn't make a difference at all. What was important (to society, how the world treats you) was the fact that you were a Mom. And that was 25 years ago! If you are in a small town, however, the small-minded among them might give you some trouble if they find out who the father is. If this happens, I wouldn't hesitate to pack up my baby and move away. I know it's hard to switch jobs now that you're pregnant, but moving is always an option after the baby is born. In any case, if anyone asks you questions about the father, you could just look 'em straight in the eye and say calmly "I'm a single Mom." You're in good company; many of us also wear that badge with pride!!
turnstone Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 jessyj, have you researched what sort of support is available to you as a single mother? Do you qualify for any kind of social aid? Does your work offer maternity? Does it have a cresh facility? Are your family able to offer you any help? I think its very important to know you can be self-sufficient, whatever the outcome between you and MM and however you decide to handle this pregnancy. Put yours and your baby's needs before MM now. However much doing that may feel like it will distance him, it won't if he really cares.
Ellin Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Adoption is the right thing to do here. Your baby has a loving home with two loving married parents waiting for him/her. Keeping this baby will only lead to a lifetime of misery for you, your MM, his wife and family and MOST ASSUREDLY the baby. In my five years of reading on infidelity forums I have NEVER seen one of these situations turn out well. Misery on top of misery on top of lies and deception. Adoption. Please seriously consider it...for the kids sake. Mr. W My God, I've only just read your second post and I can't help thinking - what a self-righteous attitude. A baby is not an object that can be handed over to strangers just because they are perhaps in a better position to look after it at the time - it is a human being who has feelings and a strong bond with mother, in whose arms she/he belongs. That child will live the first 9 months of her/his life under her/his mother's heart and the mother will be that child's whole world. You cannot separate them without huge trauma being inflicted on them both, from which they might not fully recovered for the rest of their lives.
donnamaybe Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 My God, I've only just read your second post and I can't help thinking - what a self-righteous attitude. A baby is not an object that can be handed over to strangers just because they are perhaps in a better position to look after it at the time - it is a human being who has feelings and a strong bond with mother, in whose arms she/he belongs. That child will live the first 9 months of her/his life under her/his mother's heart and the mother will be that child's whole world. You cannot separate them without huge trauma being inflicted on them both, from which they might not fully recovered for the rest of their lives.I agree, although a child can be successfully and happily raised through adoption. BUT - that's not to say I would try to shove that notion down J's throat. That's just wrong. OP, take care of you, take care of your baby, and make sure you get the financial support due the both of you via the courts. Motherhood is a wonderful thing. You won't believe the love you feel when you first hold your baby! It's magical.
silktricks Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Jessy - you'll be fine. Being a single mom is, as OB said, difficult, but rewarding. In some ways being a single mom can be easier as there's no disagreement about how to raise your child... You'll do fine. Although I'm sure child support would help, think hard about it before you go down that road, as it will mean a future "investment" of contact with your MM, and you may decide that you'd rather not have that. I'm not saying it's good, bad or indifferent, just that it's your choice at this point - and choice is always a nice thing to have.
desertIslandCactus Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Adoption is the right thing to do here. Your baby has a loving home with two loving married parents waiting for him/her. Keeping this baby will only lead to a lifetime of misery for you, your MM, his wife and family and MOST ASSUREDLY the baby. In my five years of reading on infidelity forums I have NEVER seen one of these situations turn out well. Misery on top of misery on top of lies and deception. Adoption. Please seriously consider it...for the kids sake. Mr. W The baby comes from God through the mother. It is Natural that the Mother to raise her baby, her child.
Rose1977 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Adoption is the right thing to do here. Your baby has a loving home with two loving married parents waiting for him/her. Keeping this baby will only lead to a lifetime of misery for you, your MM, his wife and family and MOST ASSUREDLY the baby. In my five years of reading on infidelity forums I have NEVER seen one of these situations turn out well. Misery on top of misery on top of lies and deception. Adoption. Please seriously consider it...for the kids sake. Mr. W Most people will attest here that I am VERY understanding of other people's opinions and am open to all points of views. My first reaction upon reading OP was to offer support - I have not been in her shoes, but I know I was terrifed when I got pg even when I was married. PG is scary when it's your first time. My response to OP would be what it would be to any of my friends - you know your options, and I will support you no matter what you decide to do. BUT, the bolded above - I actually had to collect myself before responding. Have you any statistics to back up the fact that babies resulting from A's live "a life of misery?". My God, to tell someone that by keeping their baby, they are giving that baby a lifetime of misery is just cruel and above all, not true. If OP chooses to raise this child - with or without MM there is not a doubt in my mind she will do it with love. If you can provide statistics stating otherwise - that children of A's grow up to say they lived "a life of misery", I will gladly state that you are correct and adoption is clearly the only answer. OP, my heart goes out to you and my best advice is to take your time - no decision needs to be made today. Talk it out, think about it, no need to make a rash decision right now. You are in a very tough position, but you will get through it as many women before you have. I and *most* others here will support you every step of the way no matter what you decide.
Mimolicious Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Adoption is the right thing to do here. Your baby has a loving home with two loving married parents waiting for him/her. Keeping this baby will only lead to a lifetime of misery for you, your MM, his wife and family and MOST ASSUREDLY the baby. In my five years of reading on infidelity forums I have NEVER seen one of these situations turn out well. Misery on top of misery on top of lies and deception. Adoption. Please seriously consider it...for the kids sake. Mr. W Whoa! Ok. Are you doing a Jesus Christ on us? Just wondering... Jessy, congrats! and I know that this perhaps is not the way you expected to be expecting but it's still a blessing. If keeping your baby is your decision, I wish you lots of luck and strength babes. Your baby will give you the strength and love you will need to move ahead. As per your MM, there are legal ways to handle him. Too late to cry over spilled milk (ironically). Dont stress yourself too much. It will affect your developing fetus. The journey begins but as a parent, there is nothing worth living for more than your kids. Much blessings and keep us posted.
Rose1977 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 and because its such an inconvenience, just kill the baby. how digusting. dont even pretend that you care about the baby Moloko, you read it wrong, he doesn't want her to kill the baby, just place it for adoption. Which clearly is the only answer since if she should *gasp* choose to raise her child, the child will MOST ASSUREDLY lead a life of misery. I am honestly nauseous at the thought that someone could make such an all encompassing statement about how children will grow up.
Author jessyj Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 he owes support to the child, if it is his. not you. if it is his, get a test done and take him to court for child support Moloko of course it is his child. I would not be writing a post regarding my current situation in the first if I was so carefree to sleep around !!
Author jessyj Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 clearly is the only answer since if she should *gasp* choose to raise her child, the child will MOST ASSUREDLY lead a life of misery. I am honestly nauseous at the thought that someone could make such an all encompassing statement about how children will grow up. Thank you Rose I agree with you. I am absolutely shocked also that someone would be so blunt as to assume my child would live a life of misery if I decide to raise it by myself. Thank god I am not a young girl that would be easily influenced by such horrid comments. I came on here looking for some advice as I have no where else to turn to and instead I am judged by someone who only has cruel advice to give. I would never give me child up for adoption and I will raise the child by myself if I need to. To all of you that have offerred kind words of advice thank you dearly. I really appreciate your support and well wishes.
mbm69 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I can honestly say I don't know what I would do were I in your shoes. But I have a career, I have 2 kids. It has not ruined my career. And if you read my other post on this forum. I am basically a single mother (my spouse is like a 3rd child). Having a kid will not ruin your career. Although I regret having children with my current spouse, I do NOT regret having children. I would have led a life of misery without them, not the other way around. I have a lot of sympathy for what you are going through. Sorry I don't have any words of advice though.
mbm69 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 And for the record, I honestly think that it is better for a child to be born to a single mother than to be raised for a few years by parents who always fight then split up and break up their world. Now THAT is the real tragedy.
Mimolicious Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 and you call someone else "self righteous"? Are you adopted? If yes, I am sorry that your experience has been so awful that you would say the things you do. If not, then how dare you speak for those of us who ARE adopted, have very loving adoptive parent ( they are my "mom and dad" and I don't think of them in any other light) and are doing just fine. Sorry to t/j for a sec. God bless their heart Frozen! Takes amazing & humble hearts to do what your parents did. Sometimes, not even the birth mother/biological father are such. Big hugs to your parents and to you. You are very lucky and so are they.
donnamaybe Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 and you call someone else "self righteous"? Are you adopted? If yes, I am sorry that your experience has been so awful that you would say the things you do. If not, then how dare you speak for those of us who ARE adopted, have very loving adoptive parent ( they are my "mom and dad" and I don't think of them in any other light) and are doing just fine. Good point, and I hadn't thought of that, and I'm sure Ellin didn't either. I think we were both so appalled at the other poster's attitude that a child of a single parent is doomed to a life of misery that we didn't consider that an answering post might hurt someone on the other end. If I offended with my responding post, it was never my intent, and I'm sorry. I don't even remember what I wrote! I just wanted to make that clear. I'm sure Ellin didn't mean anything by her post either, but I guess I shouldn't speak for her. She just doesn't come across as someone who would have that kind of intention toward adoptive parents or children.
Summer Breeze Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I can't even begin to imagine what youre going through. I have to agree with everyone on you not trying to protect him. You love him but he's a big boy who played a big boys game and now he has some big boy issues to deal with. Above everything you take care of yourself and that baby. You protect yourself and that baby. If he starts playing games and threatening or bullying you don't allow it. He may not, who knows. I have very little to offer for advice. I was a single mother and I know that you can raise children to be wonderful and caring adults all by yourself. I know it's hard and there's almost as much heartache as there is joy but sitting here now I can look back and look at us both with so much pride. I can look back and see what we did together and how close it made us. Stay strong Darling. You have an odd little family right here on LS.
Rose1977 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 and you call someone else "self righteous"? Are you adopted? If yes, I am sorry that your experience has been so awful that you would say the things you do. If not, then how dare you speak for those of us who ARE adopted, have very loving adoptive parent ( they are my "mom and dad" and I don't think of them in any other light) and are doing just fine. FS, this thread has brought up so many old feelings for me that I have been thinking about since yesterday and I thank you for posting what you did. I needed to hear that today. It is important for birthmothers to know kids turn out okay. I can't speak for your biirthmother, but I can speak for many when I say the sense of guilt and worry about the happiness of their child is always there and can be overwhelming at times. Birthmothers are so often misunderstood that they give up trying to explain and just hold it all inside. Jessy, I am sorry for the TJ here, I am going to stay away from this thread now b/c it is really emotional for me but if you ever need to talk you can feel free to PM me. I would never judge you and I understand the fear and anxiety you must be feeling. I hope you are feeling well and not having too much of morning sickness or the other joys of pregnancy
Jane Deaux Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I would think that the post about Mother and Child suffering trauma is a correct assumption. She also said and might not fully recover from. Not definitely will not. But yes, some mothers go on to regret or if not regret, hurt over, it for a very long time, if not their entire life. And some adopted children grow up to learn of the adoption and wonder why they were adopted, what happened to their birth mother or both parents and go on to have many many questions. While others may not be concerned at all and may be completely content with the live that was given as a blessing to them. But this is not to say that at the very beginning, mother and child did not suffer greatly. I do believe this was the original posters intent, but that's just my guess.
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