Thesame Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 What can I do to save my marriage of 9 years? I've tried everything that I could think of with my husband. Marital counseling, talking, begging, apologizing, etc. It seems he just doesn't want me anymore. He rarely speaks to me and avoids eye-contact. Let's not even talk about the holidays because that was a disaster. We haven't had sex or kissed each other in over a year since he caught me kissing his cousin. Haven't even slept in the bed together since October. First few months was me defending myself against his accusations of me screwing him, which never happened. I have a sense he's planning to leave me. I just don't know what can I do or if there's anything else I CAN do.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Pull back. Avoid him even more than hes avoiding you. If he wants to work it out, he will eventually wonder why youre not trying anymore. But, since you kissed his cousin, you probably cant save this. If you eventually get to talking, you need to explain to him how he might have neglected you enough for you to be tempted to kiss his cousin.
Author Thesame Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Pull back. Avoid him even more than hes avoiding you. If he wants to work it out, he will eventually wonder why youre not trying anymore. But, since you kissed his cousin, you probably cant save this. If you eventually get to talking, you need to explain to him how he might have neglected you enough for you to be tempted to kiss his cousin. Thank you for your advice. I know what I did was unspeakable and I wish I can take it back. I don't want to make this into a cat&mouse game but maybe pulling back a little is probably what I should do. I don't want to hurt him more than I already have.
Distant78 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I think you should divorce and let him heal his wounds since he hasn't even touched you intimately in a long time, which is understandable. Kissing one of his family members? You messed with his family and destroyed your marriage at the same time. I'm sure your husband's family disowned his cousin and is pissed at you right? He's rightfully hurt even after a year. You gotta let him go.
bentnotbroken Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Seems like you might ought to consider taking care of yourself. He appears to longer trust or respect you. If all the things you say you have tried haven't worked...maybe it is time think about separating. One person can't safe a marriage.
seibert253 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I hate to be the one to say it, but your M is pretty much over. Infidelity is a deal-breaker for many relationships. Some people cannot ever get over it. Sounds as if your H may be one of these. I just can't figure out why H hasn't pulled the trigger and started the D process. I mean, if he's done, he should at least be respectful and tell you. That way both of you can move on. Then again, for whatever reason he could be waiting for you to be the one who throws in the towel.
D-Lish Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I think what you need to do is lay it all on the table. Tell him you know you f'd up, how sorry you are, that you want to work with him to make things right- but you're not willing to live in the manner you are living now. He's obviously hurt and humliated, and granted, that doesn't go away over night. You did screw up by kissing his cousin- and that may very well be the downfall of your marriage. You need to let him know you want to make things work, offer counselling, whatever it takes... But if he needs to make the decision as to whether or not he's willing to participate in recovery or call it quits. He has to make that decision first before things can move forward in any direction.
Author Thesame Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 @ bent You're probably right. It's been a long time since we did anything together and even though we sleep in the same house, I miss him. @ seibert Like I said in my first post he may be getting ready to divorce me. Since he stopped sleeping in our marital bed with me he's put some of his clothes in moving boxes. They're downstairs in our basement. @ D-Lish Thank you. I know I screwed up. I knew that messing with him was crossing a big line. My husband saw him as his old brother and I helped kill that bond and our marriage. I do want to repair it and I've tried so many times to persuade him to see that. I will lay it on the table once more then let him decide. I just don't want to cause any more pain for him.
lkjh Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Cheating with a family member is not something that can be fixed easily. I don't think you can even fix it, at best you can figure out a way to live with it. Can you give us some more back story? If it was just a one time thing he might be able to get over it. Also, you might want to offer taking a lie detector test to prove that you did not sleep with his cousin. Some people are against that and make the claim that its degrading. But in reality without it he can never know the truth
D-Lish Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 [quote=Thesame;3234802 @ D-Lish Thank you. I know I screwed up. I knew that messing with him was crossing a big line. My husband saw him as his old brother and I helped kill that bond and our marriage. I do want to repair it and I've tried so many times to persuade him to see that. I will lay it on the table once more then let him decide. I just don't want to cause any more pain for him. T- I know you know you screwed up, I didn't want to point that out once again, but there are only so many times you can apologize for screwing up. At some point a decision needs to be made- is he leaving, or is he going to invest in recovery? When you're the guilty party, you're going to be prone to accepting punishment, because it seems like the proper thing to do. It is to an extent- but not to the point where the rest of your life becomes paying for this indiscretion. He has a right to be angry, but there is only so long that you can agree to stay in a marriage where you are continuously punished for that indiscretion. I, myself would be saying to him "I want to work things out, but if you're unwilling, we have to agree to let the relationship go".
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I, myself would be saying to him "I want to work things out, but if you're unwilling, we have to agree to let the relationship go". D is right. You've tried everything and your H is unwilling to try to work with you, to forgive you. If that truly is the case, then it's time to divorce. I know you love him and regret the kiss. Some people can forgive and some people can't. It's one strike and you're out. Your H is deeply hurt, double betrayal, so he is suffering two losses of trust, not just one. Take care of yourself, rely on friends that you trust and will support you. Keep posting here.
Author Thesame Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 Cheating with a family member is not something that can be fixed easily. I don't think you can even fix it, at best you can figure out a way to live with it. Can you give us some more back story? If it was just a one time thing he might be able to get over it. Also, you might want to offer taking a lie detector test to prove that you did not sleep with his cousin. Some people are against that and make the claim that its degrading. But in reality without it he can never know the truth It happened at his family reunion. Only once. Me and his cousin were pretty close and there was an obvious attraction between us but we never acted on it until we kissed. My husband didn't mind us talking a lot. He thought it was normal and of course I thought it was too. I let myself get caught up in the moment with him. We were at his aunt's house when it happened. Everyone met up there when we made it to Columbus, Ohio. Basically me and him took a small walk from the house, talked casually about me and husband, it led to some flirting then he kissed me. I didn't hold back and that's when my husband shouted at us. He and his cousin got into a scuffle and I went to get help to break it up. It got worse after that. Husband was so angry he told everyone what happened and they tried talking him down but he was ready to leave. We got in the car and he drove us all the way back home. Stopped a few times to get something to eat, fill up the car and argue. It was crazy. We got home and the arguments got worse to where he broke some things in the house and I almost called the police. So that's what led to where we are now. You know I look back and I see a lot of things I did wrong including having an inappropriate relationship with his cousin. It was wrong and I can't express that enough times. I already tried offering him a lie detector test but he thinks they're too faulty. I'm just going to have to talk with him once more to get him to open up. I just want one sign that he still loves me.
michelangelo Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 It will be practically impossible for you to fix this breach of trust since you and his cousin so publically humiliated him in front if the entire extended family. Everyone he cares about was there. His cousin and you did a terrible thing. Apologies are empty words to him because he saw your passion for the moment. He knows you wanted his cousin and didn't care who saw. To fix this you have to erase the picture in his mind of you embracing not just another man but a man he considered to be his brother. you can never atone for this breach. Small comfort to him that you didn't have sex. He knows that if you were not seen that was next.
robf1971 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 He knows that if you were not seen that was next. You know what, I think this is the key
lkjh Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 What was your marriage like before this? And what sort of topics were you and the cousin talking about? To be honest I don't see your H getting through this. You cared so little about him not only did you cheat, but you did it with his cousin, at his aunts house, in front of his entire family. That is just way too much disrespect
lkjh Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Also, has your H talked with his cousin since the two of you cheated?
Bryanp Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 If the roles had been reversed what would you be thinking? Gee you did it at his family reunion and with his cousin who he thought of as his big brother? Talk about total humiliation. Your husband clearly thinks that you would have proceeded to screw the cousin if you had not been caught. Why were you willing to destroy your marriage for this?
Author Thesame Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 Our marriage was pretty good all around, it's just that I couldn't spend enough time with him. Him being a VP for a large company doesn't give us a lot of one-on-one. Now I can't even spend any time with him you know? Brynap I think I did it because I found him really attractive and charming. There were danger alarms going off in my head that told me he was hitting on me but I was foolish enough to not ignore them. I justified them as nothing serious, it's just a friendship, no biggie, that type of stuff. Regarding topics we talked about a lot of stuff, especially husband. He told me some silly things both of them did when they were kids and we joked around a lot. He did kind of fill up on me a few times when we hugged each other. I could see him moving in on me and I did nothing to stop it. I was selfish and I liked the attention at the time. I don't know if husband has talked to him or not. I asked him once last year and it turned into another big argument with him accusing me and telling me off. Never asked him again. His cousin's name is taboo in our house and I understand why he feels that way. That's how it's been for the past year. No conversations unless it's about our finances, bills or anything else important. He gets up, takes a shower, brushes his teeth, combs his hair, makes him some breakfast, puts on one of his expensive suits, combs his hair again, grabs his suitcase, says bye and out the door he goes. I remember when I used to help him get ready for work. I can't even at least fix him something to eat. Just wants me to talk only when necessary. Me typing this is bringing out the rejection and frustration I have. I'm not trying to make him the bad guy here because I know I caused this, but this does make me feel bad. I am kind of afraid to ask him to talk about our marriage but hopefully he'll listen.
Bryanp Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I strongly suggest that you write him a long letter again explaining how sorry you are and the goals you wish to have for your marriage. Doing nothing is indeed a plan....a plan for divorce. He clearly is in a lot of pain and anger. You have to do something to stop this slide of oblivion for your marriage. What do you have to have lose? Clearly he will not wish to remain in a loveless marriage forever? You must do something. Good luck.
Author Thesame Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 It didn't go too well. He was very cold to me. I did as you asked Bryanp and wrote him the letter. He didn't want to hear it. We did talk for a long time though but as I said before he was very cold and his responses were short and to the point. He did tell me why he had some boxes packed and as I suspected he's getting ready to move out. I asked him if he still loved me and he said yes, but it's not the same anymore. I couldn't respond to that. I do wonder if he's seeing someone else. With his job he does have a lot of opportunities and we haven't been intimate for a long time. But if he is then I can't blame him. I caused all of this by messing with his cousin and humiliating him and preventing him from hanging out with his family. I'm so sorry for making him like this.
bentnotbroken Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 It didn't go too well. He was very cold to me. I did as you asked Bryanp and wrote him the letter. He didn't want to hear it. We did talk for a long time though but as I said before he was very cold and his responses were short and to the point. He did tell me why he had some boxes packed and as I suspected he's getting ready to move out. I asked him if he still loved me and he said yes, but it's not the same anymore. I couldn't respond to that. I do wonder if he's seeing someone else. With his job he does have a lot of opportunities and we haven't been intimate for a long time. But if he is then I can't blame him. I caused all of this by messing with his cousin and humiliating him and preventing him from hanging out with his family. I'm so sorry for making him like this. It sounds like maybe it is time to just move on. Work on you. Heal.
Distant78 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 It didn't go too well. He was very cold to me. I did as you asked Bryanp and wrote him the letter. He didn't want to hear it. We did talk for a long time though but as I said before he was very cold and his responses were short and to the point. He did tell me why he had some boxes packed and as I suspected he's getting ready to move out. I asked him if he still loved me and he said yes, but it's not the same anymore. I couldn't respond to that. Oh well. Not to be so harsh but that's the price you must pay for messing with his family. I'm so sorry for making him like this. Tell that to him. He's the one who's separating from you.
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