Girlfriend wants me to be more independent...

[zackzane]

So here's the back story. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for just over 10 months, and we are very much in love with each other, I've never felt so in love with anyone my entire life. I'm almost 27, she just turned 23.

We get along great, and only have really had minor bumps or issues along the way, nothing too relevant.

As of late, we've had a bit more contention. Essentially, what's happening is, since we started dating, I've always noticed she's less affection, or cuddly than I am, and she's admitted this, and while I would prefer if she was more, I have no real problems with just that. But over time, I guess I've started to feel a little affection starved. Me and her text pretty constantly, since we've started dating, we'll just chatter on throughout the day, not usually about much. But lately, due to feeling affection starved, I've probably been way overdoing the whole texting thing, and now she says she feels kind of suffocated by me, this probably has pushed her away, make her even less affectionate, and in turn I find myself texting even more! Not a good cycle, for sure. We talked yesterday, and she says my happiness should not depend fully on her, and she doesn't want to feel like its her job to keep me happy and entertained throughout the day, especially if she's out with her friends and what not.

 

In my mind I know this makes sense, and I actually completely agree with her. Yesterday was when it finally hit a boiling point and she let me know all of this. As part of it, she asked for a bit of space while she thinks things out, and told me to look at things a little more introspectively. So I told her I loved her, and would be here when she was ready to talk. In reality, during that whole time, I was a little panicked, because when I asked if her she need space for the time being, or time away from 'us' in general, she wouldn't answer my question, naturally I was pretty worried. But I managed to get through the day, and later last night she sent me a message about where she was going for work (she's a flight attendant), and that thankfully gave me the opportunity to just chat with her a bit, on her own terms. I asked if I could call her later that night with everything I've been thinking about, which I did.

 

I told her how I recognized that she herself is a pretty independent individual, and how I in turn also need to be independent, so that we can both have our own time. I accepted that I'm going to text her way less than we have in the past. She says she never gets the chance to 'miss' me because we're always texting, and that its pushed her away a bit because of it, so I can get by with not talking to her all day long.

 

Anyways, that's the story itself. My question to you guys, is I'm still feeling pretty awkward about the whole thing. I completely love her, and plan on spending my life with her, my whole family thinks she's it for me. I just can't get over this feeling though, and I find I'm going to struggle initially to work on these changes. I don't have a lot of close friends to go hang out with apart from her, and when I'm at home, I don't do too much to keep my mind busy..

 

I was just wondering what your advice would be for coping with the changes I'm placing upon myself? Should I even be changing all these things about myself, or should I be asking her for some sort of compromise?

I feel like her and I are going to be just fine, until then I just sort of feel in limbo, and am trying to find the best way to deal with it.

 

Thanks in advance!

[curlygirl40]

I feel your pain. I think my advice is going to be similar to what other people here will tell you, and that advice is to get your own life.

 

Your partner should ADD to your life, not BE your life. It's important for you (not just for her, but for yourself) to have your own life independent from her.

 

Do you have buddies at work who you could go out with? Catch a game? Do you play sports? Bowl? Are there any hobbies you've always thought about trying? Running? Gym? Voluteering? Darts? Pool? Go to the library and read some books. Find something that interests you. Find some friends.

 

Do you have friends from school that you could reconnect with and hang out with?

 

It's a lot of responsibility for any one person to be solely responsible for your happiness. It's like her main job is to entertain you throughout the day. It's a lot of pressure.

 

In the meantime, she probably is feeling the pressure, feeling the responsibility and possibly losing respect for you in the process.

 

And the cycle you mentioned is very typical. Someone is pushing and someone is backing away. The more you push, the more she'll back away.

 

I wish you luck.

[zackzane]

I feel your pain. I think my advice is going to be similar to what other people here will tell you, and that advice is to get your own life.

 

Your partner should ADD to your life, not BE your life. It's important for you (not just for her, but for yourself) to have your own life independent from her.

 

Do you have buddies at work who you could go out with? Catch a game? Do you play sports? Bowl? Are there any hobbies you've always thought about trying? Running? Gym? Voluteering? Darts? Pool? Go to the library and read some books. Find something that interests you. Find some friends.

 

Do you have friends from school that you could reconnect with and hang out with?

 

It's a lot of responsibility for any one person to be solely responsible for your happiness. It's like her main job is to entertain you throughout the day. It's a lot of pressure.

 

In the meantime, she probably is feeling the pressure, feeling the responsibility and possibly losing respect for you in the process.

 

And the cycle you mentioned is very typical. Someone is pushing and someone is backing away. The more you push, the more she'll back away.

 

I wish you luck.

 

Thanks for the quick response! I do have a few things of mine that I do without her, I'm in a band that occupies an evening of time each week, and I play in rec leagues with a bunch of friends of mine. When I'm not doing those, I either work during the evenings, or on the weekends, as I'm a full time student by day. I have 2 or 3 evenings a week usually where I can manage to see her, and more often than not me and her tend to spend those times together so long as she's not working. I think if I can manage to keep my general routines the same, but not make her feel so pressured when we're not together than things will work out well. I do worry that maybe she is losing respect for me, and thus is maybe even less attracted to me, as I'm pretty sure its affected our sex life, so I'm really trying to do everything I can to rectify this. For now I'm giving her the space she wants to think, and really will only talk to her through the days if she or I really has anything to talk about.

[Star Gazer]

Thanks for the quick response! I do have a few things of mine that I do without her, I'm in a band that occupies an evening of time each week, and I play in rec leagues with a bunch of friends of mine. When I'm not doing those, I either work during the evenings, or on the weekends, as I'm a full time student by day. I have 2 or 3 evenings a week usually where I can manage to see her, and more often than not me and her tend to spend those times together so long as she's not working.

 

It sounds like you have a decent life outside of your relationship. So, question above the bolded above: Do you think you may inadvertently put pressure on her to spend time together during the free time that you do have?

 

It makes sense to spend that time together, but the way you approach it may make her feel that if you're free you can't spend time alone.

[zackzane]

I'm not sure, I mean, I don't think I do.. just casually bring it up, like, i'm free this wednesday night, if you're not doing anything, did you wanna hang out?.. just stuff like that.

Overall I feel we're gonna be fine. Just a brief moment of nervousness on my part, and despite hating the feeling, I'm glad the issue got brought up with her, as now I can nip this thing in the butt, and change for the better to ensure I have a long-lasting relationship. We're still chatting, even now, but far less frequently than we normally do. We have a trip to Montreal planned in a couple of weeks, which she seems to still plan on coming, which I mean guesses I guess to stick around with her . Thanks for the advice folks.