700miles Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 (edited) Obviously, I'm struggling with my decision to end what I considered to be a very positive 4 1/2 months LDR. Background: We met through close mutual friends who live near me. He lives in Texas, and I live in Missouri. Since we met, we've talked/emailed/texted several times daily and he's flown to see me monthly. He's 43, with grown children. I'm a little younger with three children at home. He's a widower. I'm divorced. We've found that we share the same outlook on the world, future goals, values, etc... We've become very emotionally attached (as well as physically, but that is limited, of course.) He's shared very personal information with me, while I admittedly hold back somewhat. Until his last visit, we've maintained an "open" relationship. I went out on a few dates (nothing beyond dinner), while he did tell me that he had had sex with someone he works with. This was early into our LDR, and although I was not thrilled with his disclosure, this was what we had agreed upon and I valued his honesty. Since that time, our relationship has grown in intensity. I brought up the big E-word..."exclusive." He doesn't think that is something we should expect of one another given the distance. I, on the other hand, do not want to become further emotionally invested in a relationship that is not exclusive. I agreed to disagree, called it a stalemate, and ended things. This was only two days ago. He does not want to quit seeing each other, and does not want to end our communication. He says he is not interested in anyone else, but "wants to be realistic." I truly believe that he has a firm emotional attachment to me. But I struggle with his unwillingness to form a solid connection. I know I will not fully open myself up to him without an exclusive committment. If I wanted a friends with benefits situation, I would have selected someone closer to home where the "benefits" were more accessible. I do not think he is out of line in his thinking, and I do not think I am, either. I believe we just want two different things and that those things are not compatible. We're not on the same page. I am not interested in dating other men. Yet, I cannot see myself hanging out with family and friends on the weekends, while he is out dating...then giving my emotional energy to him throughout the week. I guess I am just looking for feedback. Am I unrealistic? Am I rushing things? Am I on track? I know this is the hard part...the burn is the worst at this point. Edited February 6, 2011 by 700miles
folieadeux Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I don't believe open relationships work at all, regardless of the distance. You're not happy in this situation and he isn't willing to commit. However hard the decision may be, it sounds like you need to move on if he's that adamant about not being with other people. I'm in an LDR with a very similar distance to yours and my boyfriend and I have been exclusive since day one, there was never even a question about it. If we both wanted to see other people in the meantime, there'd be no point. It sounds like this guy is using the distance as an excuse to have his cake and eat it too. If he was really serious about being together, he'd find a way to commit to you, regardless of it being an LDR situation right now.
jenifer1972 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 He is the definition of a cake eater. I would never tolerate a guy sleeping with me AND another woman. I will not be anyone's sloppy seconds
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