eDGEpusher Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I don't claim to be an expert in the matters of relationships, because I have had only one, and it ended a while ago. Met at work, 1 year long distance, and 3 months in real person. "Broke up" two months ago, when after being more and more aloof he told me he was under a lot of pressure...I offered him space, he took it while telling me he "don't want a deadline". Never heard a peep from him since, had to seek closure all by myself throughout Christmas, New Year, etc. Whenever I feel lost, I go to a bookstore and seek out books to help me solve my problems. It's great talking to friends and family and everyone should do more of that, but at some point you realize that a) they are getting tired of you rehashing the breakup with them and b) they have good advice and mean well, but can't always set out their advice and solutions in an organized manner that really speaks to you. So as soon as I knew it was over, I googled for advice on breakups and found Loveshack, and NCed the guy immediately. It works in the way it claims to, seriously. Then I went to spend a FORTUNE on self-help books. I went through a lot, and many of them were enjoyable, but here are some that really helped me. It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy So the author of He's Just Not That Into You wrote this book to really drive home the point of self-worth and dignity and that you deserve to be with a better man. This one is good for the humor (we can all use more funny when we feel down)and the no-nonsense message that you shouldn't hold onto delusional thoughts that are beneath you. Read it and maybe you will be able to fend off those creeping desires to break NC and do things that demean yourself. PROTIP: There is also a short section for guys getting over breakups in the end of the book. Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One I held off checking this out because I always though the Mars and Venus schtick was kind of gimmicky. But I read the reviews, checked it out, and this was the book that finally allowed me to let go of the broken relationship. John Gray writes that in order to fully let go, find peace and move on, one must go through 4 emotions: Anger, Sadness, Fear and Sorrow. Suppressing any one emotion would interfere with the ability to move on healthily. Some people, mostly guys, suppress the vulnerable feelings such as Sadness, Fear and Sorrow, because they do not want to feel weak. Some, especially women, suppress anger because it doesn't seem loving to be angry. These suppressed feelings never go away and resurface again and again, interfering with your ability to move on. I didn't realize it, but I was suppressing the feelings of sadness. I was extremely angry and felt deceived when my relationship soured, and I didn't cry or acknowledge my sadness at all because that, to me, would feel like admitting to myself that I was a sucker to fall for a guy whom I know doesn't work with me or respect me in any way. But then I read the book, read the author's story, other people's examples of moving on, and I BAWLED my eyes out that night. I finally acknowledged that I was sad because all the hopes I had for the relationship with my ex, for "our" happiness, were dashed. Amazingly, I felt so much better the morning after. I guess I finally embraced the fact that it wasn't meant to be. After those two I would recommend general self-improvement. For women, if you feel weak and vulnerable, try Why Men Love Bitches and Why Women Marry Bitches. Both are good for pep-talking your sassy self back. For men...there aren't a lot of books on relationship improvement aimed at men, but if you are feeling a little low on the self-esteem department, try Neil Strauss' controversial book The Game and it's practical sequel Rules of the Game. The great thing about reading these books is that they do frame things in a positive, constructive manner, and they are able to speak to you like friends who only want the best for you would. You probably won't feel like reading, or disagree with my assessment of these books, but all I know is that it feels really, really GREAT to wake up one day and not feel like lying in bed for the rest of the week, stewing in anger/resentment/fear of loneliness/thoughts of "where it went wrong" and "how it could have been". It is fantastic to break free of the habit of "thinking about my ex and be sad about the breakup every 10 minutes of my waking day". It is awesome to not have every daily interaction feel like a prod to an open wound inside and finally be my well-adjusted, productive self again. And I'm really hoping you guys will get to that place real soon too. So go check out these books, at a bookstore or a library near you. And please feel free to recommend any books that helped you move on too!
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