Dime22 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Hi All! Been browsing this forum for a month and I'm impressed with a lot of the advice that is shared here I come to you seeking advice regarding a girl that I have been "talking" to for the past month. The very bottom line is that I was asked to take things slow in order to build a relationship...however, I have found out that this girl has gone out to parties and made out with other guys during this "taking it slow" period...IE during the last month. Some background info...I met her at a hockey game of mine a year ago and told her within a month or so that I liked her, she was honest with me and told me that she still had feelings for her ex at that time and I backed off. A years goes by and on New Years Eve she went to a party which I happened to be attending...and we made out all night. We started texting each other wayyy more, which, IDK...maybe wasn't wise on my behalf to be so accessible but it felt right. We have hung out on average twice a week for the past 5 weeks...and we kissed for hours on each meeting. I have gotten texts that ranged from her telling me that she was excited to see me, that I give her butterflies, I can visit her whenever I want, etc. It all seemed to go downhill when she went to the party and made out with the guy there and got like 3-4 phone numbers. 4 days after that party she's in my bed making out with me again. I'm 27 and she's 21 so I'm thinking that there are probably "pre-official" philosophical differences due to the age difference...since she has apparently told people that she's single so she can do whatever she wants. Technically I can do whatever I want as well, but I feel as though that approach is immature and stupid. If you ask someone to build a relationship with you, whether it's slow or fast, shouldn't you be focused on that...and not going out to parties to make out with other dudes? So ultimately, my question is, should I drop this and just forget about her? Some portion of me thinks it's a salvageable situation...another part of me feels like I'm barking up the wrong tree due to age, maturity, philosophy differences, etc. Basically her actions are saying no, but her words are telling me yes... My course of action right now...is no contact. See what evolves from here. If she wants me, she'll let me know. Any advice is greatly appreciated...I understand this is fragmented material but I can fill in the blanks with the minutia if it really makes a difference Thank you
Eddie Edirol Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Well now you know she has an agenda that doesnt involve having a serious relationship with you. She wants to have fun. So next time she tells you that she wants to take it slow, you call her out on the making out and partying, then say that you wont take her seriously until she wants to relax. So right now, treat her like a friend with benefits, and dont give her too much of your time, make her work for it. Dont be too easy, and dont text her all the time. She obviously doesnt look at you as a guy that sweeps her off her feet.
Author Dime22 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Well now you know she has an agenda that doesnt involve having a serious relationship with you. She wants to have fun. So next time she tells you that she wants to take it slow, you call her out on the making out and partying, then say that you wont take her seriously until she wants to relax. So right now, treat her like a friend with benefits, and dont give her too much of your time, make her work for it. Dont be too easy, and dont text her all the time. She obviously doesnt look at you as a guy that sweeps her off her feet. The compounding factor here which I wish I hadn't left out of my original post is that we had a discussion where we essentially told each other that we thought there was good potential between us to become bf/gf. She has also mentioned to her friend that if she wanted to be in a relationship then I am the one that she would want to date. So even though I may not come across as the "sweeper" lol I seem to have succeeded on some small level? I am definitely going to call her out on the partying/making out with other guys aspect...but this just feels like a lost cause. One thing I am concerned about is the probability that she will sense the loss, now that I'm basically ignoring her, and start to respond to the challenge. I don't want to be a pansy when it comes to all of this...but despite the negative trends I still feel like this is a salvageable situation. 21 year old girls can be fickle...do I allow compensation for that and give her the benefit of the doubt? Too much on my mind right now sheesh lol
Nexus One Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 (edited) The compounding factor here which I wish I hadn't left out of my original post is that we had a discussion where we essentially told each other that we thought there was good potential between us to become bf/gf. She has also mentioned to her friend that if she wanted to be in a relationship then I am the one that she would want to date. So even though I may not come across as the "sweeper" lol I seem to have succeeded on some small level? I am definitely going to call her out on the partying/making out with other guys aspect...but this just feels like a lost cause. One thing I am concerned about is the probability that she will sense the loss, now that I'm basically ignoring her, and start to respond to the challenge. I don't want to be a pansy when it comes to all of this...but despite the negative trends I still feel like this is a salvageable situation. 21 year old girls can be fickle...do I allow compensation for that and give her the benefit of the doubt? Too much on my mind right now sheesh lol Tough one, because if you fall in love with girls that "just wanna have fun" then they tend to be like water. You want to hold them, but they slip and ooze through the cracks of your fingers, it's their nature. Frustrating indeed, not sure what you can do about it. What I found out about these type of girls though is that they see guys like large corporations see business models. Large corporations often have a core business model, but just in case they also have several sets of other business models they can depend on in case their core model fails. Throughout time they will nurture all their secondary business models just enough to keep them profitable and "alive", so if they ever need them, they can switch to those business models the second they need them. Guys often underestimate this aspect about girls/women. It takes them by surprise, because they don't look beyond that shining bundle of joy that she is. And that's how men get hurt. Edited February 6, 2011 by Nexus One
AKO87 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 My ex once told me she thought it wasn't a problem if two people who weren't bf/gf did stuff with other people. Even if those 2 people were kind of working up to the point of bf/gf. I completely disagree though. It's just such a fickle attitude. Had she (my ex) done any of that stuff then there is no way I ever would have gotten for her. I think trust is an important part of a relationship, and I think it would be hard to have trust for someone whose actions are dictated by simple labels like bf/gf.
Author Dime22 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Tough one, because if you fall in love with girls that "just wanna have fun" then they tend to be like water. You want to hold them, but they slip and ooze through the cracks of your fingers, it's their nature. Frustrating indeed, not sure what you can do about it. What I found out about these type of girls though is that they see guys like large corporations see business models. Large corporations often have a core business model, but just in case they also have several sets of other business models they can depend on in case their core model fails. Throughout time they will nurture all their secondary business models just enough to keep them profitable and "alive", so if they ever need them, they can switch to those business models the second they need them. Guys often underestimate this aspect about girls/women. It takes them by surprise, because they don't look beyond that shining bundle of joy that she is. And that's how men get hurt. Understood. Wouldn't it piss you off to be asked to "take it slow in order to build a relationship" just to find out about two weeks later that the girl is making out with guys at a bar? And her excuse to her friends that were there and came to my defense was..."I'm single...I can do whatever" I'm having trouble deciding on how mad I really am about this. While I'm hurt/mad about her actions...I'm also aware of the fact that girls in this age range are prone to behaving this way. Based on these concepts...I don't know whether I want to cut ties completely or hold out in no contact mode and see what her response is.
Author Dime22 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 My ex once told me she thought it wasn't a problem if two people who weren't bf/gf did stuff with other people. Even if those 2 people were kind of working up to the point of bf/gf. I completely disagree though. It's just such a fickle attitude. Had she (my ex) done any of that stuff then there is no way I ever would have gotten for her. I think trust is an important part of a relationship, and I think it would be hard to have trust for someone whose actions are dictated by simple labels like bf/gf. And how old was she when she said this? I side with you on this as well...not only does this diminish trust but it reeks of selfishness. In my opinion, if someone says *I* can do what *I* want...it's a sign of lack of consideration for others.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Dime, dont be fooled by what her friend says, she can coach the friend. She can also feel that you are good bf material, but not actually sweeping her off her feet isnt a step in the right direction. That just means that you are a good bf on paper, but she has no animal attraction to you. You dont want to be good on paper, thats how women cheat on their husbands because they were never really attracted to them in the first place, but they felt the need to be married. Dont get used to being in this situation. Youre only confused because she was using you as a backup. Keep you on the side waiting while she goes out and has fun. She was happy when she knew you were there just in case no one flirts with her anymore. Once she knew you werent there for her, she started to chase you to make sure her safety net stayed in place. You wanna be a safety net?
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Basically her actions are saying no, but her words are telling me yes... It's her actions that say it all. Whether it's due to an age difference/maturity levels or she's still hung up on her ex, the fact is that she's not acting like someone who's interested in a real relationship with anyone, which would include you.
Questionis Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 She could be on the defensive, trying to hurt you before you hurt her. Generally, well to me anyway, if a guy appears willing to have sex/sexual contact but then says "I want to take it slow" he's out to play games with your heart, which will cause you to spend time indoors crying instead of going out having fun! Why exactly do you want to take it slow, and what do you mean by take it slow? You should just explain that to her...
Nexus One Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 She could be on the defensive, trying to hurt you before you hurt her. That's not being defensive. That's being insane.
AKO87 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 And how old was she when she said this? I side with you on this as well...not only does this diminish trust but it reeks of selfishness. In my opinion, if someone says *I* can do what *I* want...it's a sign of lack of consideration for others. I think she was 22. She also wasn't the type who would do something like that which totally surprised me when she said it. It's one thing to be single and having fun. It's another to admit to having some sort of feelings to someone who reciprocates them and then go and continue to have fun.
Questionis Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 That's not being defensive. That's being insane. I agree, but we are not here because of the sane intelligent communicative people though are we?
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