Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 (edited) Yeah, I dated for a while on Match. It was a nice distraction but I prefer more organic ways of meeting people. And I think I really need to just be alone for a while and heal from all this - at least be able to go into work without being terrified that I'm going to either run into him or find some message from him in my mailbox. The guy really messed me up. I had to cut ties with an entire group of people that I was involved with socially, am in therapy for depression, etc. etc. The other day I even thought about moving to another city just to get away from him. My contract here is up in two years. I could get a different job. Silly thoughts I know. I just can't wait until I'm over all this crap. It's been 4 1/2 months. It was a 2 1/2 year relationship, so maybe in a year I'll be better? God, sounds bleak. Yeah, funny about the social thing. He's a charmer. But he only hangs out with "special" people - not just artists - they have to be artists he considers talented. It's a trip really. Ya'll are awesome to talk me through this crap. And Depp is my shweetie ((((hugs)))) Edited February 8, 2011 by makelemonade1974
depplover_1980 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Awww I just really like you and understand how you feel. I thought I was never going to feel any better and then I did around 6 months and had a really fun fling with someone who is still a good friend. You'll just suddenly climb as you are putting the information in place for your emotions to play catch up. He sounds a right pretentious w a n k e r!!
Whatshername Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 (edited) OMG I thought about moving too! I have the option to go FAR away....such as to the other side of the earth and do my job for a year for Megabucks......some dangers involved.... I once even asked the N..........what would you think if I did this? He did not BEG me to stay and keep out of harms way, but he didn't say....go for the $ either. Another really good book I am reading is Connect to Love by M. Gary Neuman. It is all about why people cheat(men and women) and ultimately how to make the effort(reasons why, case stories from men and women) spending time together can save your relationship...... I am having a hard time because it is Valentine's Day and we were broken up last year at this time. We had a good 6 month run (or so I THOUGHT) and I was thinking wow.....we are really going to make it and I was in solid couple mode.......thinking about things for our place, we had even started sharing realty listings, etc.....yadayadayada. His cheating knocked me for a loop. Big time, the day before N Years after a wonderful family Christmas with him. I am reading, lots of things, my daughter moved back home with her dog..... it is really hard to NEVER think about him, though I do make great efforts. I remember when we first met( depplover mentioned having a fling) and dated, and fell in love, he would always say....this is NOT a fling. Liar! I think that is the biggest thing...........that it was a farce, and all along he KNEW it. Enchantedbird hit the nail on the head! Love but ice inside. I mean when I intercepted a text from HER about a kiss........he got mad at ME and almost made me leave? I SHOULD have slapped him and LEFT right then. Cold.........as ICE.........hearts of stone........no conscience. Ladies there are NICE men who want someone to love/be loved by a good woman! We must wait for them to find us! And, in the meantime, be really good to ourselves, because we deserve it! I am getting a mani-pedi for Valentine's Day and buying myself flowers and going ice skating with a friend! Edited February 8, 2011 by Whatshername
selena_cat Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 (edited) Those are some smart things you said in your post. Of course, they're really hard to do! I heard all those things and would try to do them, but then I'd figure out some excuse to say, "But I'm different! This is different!! If I could just talk to her, I could make it all right!!!" (I'm a teensie-bit stubborn and pig-headed). The only way I ever healed was by accepting that the person I fell in love with never really existed. Like you said, NC is for YOU. NC is like the bandage you wear so that you can heal. I ended up thinking of it as a scab -- every time you pick it, you start bleeding again. Don't pick it, Lemonade!!! DON'T PICK IT!!! Luckily, tonight you can keep your mind off of your dumbass loser ex-BF by rooting against the hated Green Bay Packers. Just imagine that Aaron Rodgers is you ex, and scream "KILL HIM!!!" every time the Steelers rush him. "KILL HIM!!!" (It's making me feel better already!) uh oh even i was suprised they won,just like the Underdog Saints,in my hometown N'awlins that got me saying Whodat for a week! You guys are describing exactly the guy i've been posting about,he's seriously a NPD-and I read alot about that type of person,fits him to a T,andits crazy i keep wondring if i'll ever hear from him,as if i want more pain and rejection.Always think somehwhere inside of him is the nice guy who once cried on my shoulder's about his dad's passing,who was always there for me as i was for him. My question if anyone can answer is if someone has N,do they only act that way with you. Mine has since moved on to someone else,and basically let me know in their own N snake speech that he they cares so much about her and that i basically mean nothing to them. (he didnt exacyly say the last part but we all know the ole saying about actions speaking louder. Generally Do N only act that way with you the person theyre not really interested in meanwhile treat others with more respect? I've always wonder if his lack of respect is only reserved was me? Makelemonade,,I like what you said about NC and that you run the other way when you see him:laugh: Edited February 8, 2011 by selena_cat
Whatshername Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I think I suddenly realized that he does not respect WOMEN! Even his own mother, the more I reflected on things he would say about her, were not said with the sort of tone/value we give our mothers. Not ugly or mean, maybe condescending, like oh, she is that way bc she is a woman. ?????
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 I think somatic narcissists definitely have misogynist issues, but mine was a cerebral narc - turned me down for sex a lot of the time actually (I was like WHAT! are you a MAN? never experienced such a thing). His father was an N, so his mother and sister were the codependents and the N supply - in fact, I think his supply has always been women. His mentor, his good friend (that he has the emotional relationship with), etc. are all women. But when it comes to women that are not his supply - I don't know. I have heard, though, that N's are notoriously misogynist. Of course, if you hear ANY man speak badly about his mother, run the other way as fast as you can.
EasyHeart Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Yeah, I dated for a while on Match. It was a nice distraction but I prefer more organic ways of meeting people. And I think I really need to just be alone for a while and heal from all this - at least be able to go into work without being terrified that I'm going to either run into him or find some message from him in my mailbox. The guy really messed me up. I had to cut ties with an entire group of people that I was involved with socially, am in therapy for depression, etc. etc. The other day I even thought about moving to another city just to get away from him. My contract here is up in two years. I could get a different job. Silly thoughts I know. I just can't wait until I'm over all this crap. It's been 4 1/2 months. It was a 2 1/2 year relationship, so maybe in a year I'll be better? God, sounds bleak. Yeah, funny about the social thing. He's a charmer. But he only hangs out with "special" people - not just artists - they have to be artists he considers talented. It's a trip really. Ya'll are awesome to talk me through this crap. And Depp is my shweetie ((((hugs))))That's why we're here! Everyone needs a "Break up Buddy" to talk to. And it's better to do it with anonymous people on the internet who understand what you're going through. Anytime you feel bad or (God forbid!!!) think about breaking No Contact, post here and we will talk you down. And if you don't listen and still want to break contact, we will start to yell at you. And if that doesn't work, we'll hunt you down and tie you to a chair. But we will NOT let you break NC!!!! I know things seem bleak now, but that will change. I used to agonize endlessly trying to figure out why my Ex did the things she did, and I would create these elaborate make-up scenarios where she admitted she was wrong and regretted the way she treated me. Of course it never happened because she's not capable of those emotions, but I didn't understand that yet. I was acting like a fricking teenager and it made me sick. But now anytime I think about my Ex (like I do in reading these threads), I just picture her and laugh. And sometimes think about punching her in the face. But I never, ever feel bad. Never. You'll be the same someday. But you have to give yourself time to process all that you're learning and time to heal the damage that this person did to you. By the time your contract comes up, you'll be saying "Gawd, can you believe I actually considered moving just because of that loser? What a silly girl I was! He's not worth it. I am so much better off without him." And you'll really believe it. Stay strong.
depplover_1980 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 A good post Easyheart. I am contemplating breaking NC and that pulled me back again and cheered me up and imagined punching him in the face!
GreenPolicy Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 A good post Easyheart. I am contemplating breaking NC and that pulled me back again and cheered me up and imagined punching him in the face! Hey depplover, I really like your take on things. I think my ex might have some narcissistic traits. Do you mind commenting on my story? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/
depplover_1980 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Hey depplover, I really like your take on things. I think my ex might have some narcissistic traits. Do you mind commenting on my story? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/ Erm on page 5,782 of it by now. Will reply directly onto that thread!! x
Whatshername Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I am in the angry to the point of tears stage. Just hitting the same wall....... how could a few moments of ego building/a date and a few kisses have been worth our whole 4.5 years doing the 90 miles back and forth , for THIS? What is he thinking, feeling....... is he sorry but too stubborn to admit his wrongs and apologize. It was a long time together and it doesn't POOF go away so easily. I wish I could hit the FFwd button of my life. It's moot, to think about him, in any capacity, because even without this, he has serious commitment issues and KNEW I eventually want to be married. He dangled the carrot for years, and it never went anywhere. I am ANGRY.......because he was weak, because he broke my trust, because he didn't have the decency to be honest and break up with me. Because he couldn't come TO ME. It all HURTS. He was slowly separating himself though and I never knew it. I found out the day after Christmas he has taken a different job, and also the week before he had a mole removed from his neck and never mentioned it. Sounds like simple things, but not really. He actually had his date w the other woman like Dec 8th...... I never found out until after Christmas. I try really hard to not let myself think about it, but it sneaks up on me and WHAM, the tears come. I have been sick, which didn't help, and my oldest daughter left her husband (it's good, because she had dealt w /way too much stuff for a young girl)and asked to move back back home with her dog ......she arrived this last weekend. So, maybe this is good, and I am supposed to be 100% available to her....... I am worn out emotionally myself, so trying to roust myself to the occasion to be supportive/loving/firm........with her is going to take all of your prayers!
depplover_1980 Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Aw you can do it. I am so sorry you feel this angry and sad, get it all out. Talk to your daughter and get it all out of both of your systems, use each other for support.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 I miss him today. Dreamed about him (and I was trying to leave HIM before he left me lol). I'm in the middle of crunching for a deadline - writing 10 hours a day until Friday noon, so I'm exhausted. Funny how I miss him when I'm tired or sick. I just want him to be the guy I thought he was - the romance guy. I wonder if there's another one out there that really is that romance guy. I'm kind of resigned to just being alone for the rest of my life. And after a few years it won't be so easy to find a man - I'm 36. My daughter and her friends say I look 29, and I'm redheaded, so that helps, but lately I just feel like an old woman - inside and out. I miss feeling attractive, I miss sex, I miss kissing. I miss feeling like I have somebody there - even if he was emotionally absent. Wow - this is just a pity party this morning. Helps to write it I guess. I hope everybody else is doing better! One day at a time. It WILL get better. We just have to keep telling ourselves that.
EasyHeart Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 It sounds like you're mourning the relationship. That's good, because it's part of your healing process. Let yourself remember the good things, and let yourself be sad that you don't have them any more. The more you do it, the less it will bother you. Just remember not to break NC -- every time you break NC, you have to start ALL OVER again. You don't want that!!! In your case, too, remember that this isn't a regular break up; it's breakup with a Narcissist. The 'romance guy' was a fake. It was just a role he was playing in order to get you to feed his narcissism. He was a con man pretending to be what you wanted -- it wasn't real at all. Do you really want someone who is pretending to love you? You deserve better than that. I know it's hard to imagine, but of course you'll meet someone new some day. Think about your past breakups: Didn't you feel the same way? Didn't you feel like you would never meet another great boyfriend? But you always did. And you will again. And I'm older than you are, so I can say (without hesitation or equivocation) that you aren't getting older, you're getting better!!!
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Thanks Easyheart. I appreciate the support. I know the grieving is part of it. It's just tough sometimes. And don't worry, every time I'm tempted to break no contact, I just remember how that poem made me feel - like complete sh**! I never want to hear from him again if he's just going to yank my chain like that. It helps to remember the bad parts rather then the good parts. I'll never forget the good parts - funny how easy it is to forget what a pain in the arse he was a lot of the time. And I've had breakups - a divorce, several shorter relationships - but I was usually the one ending it. I remember being really broken up over one guy that did dump me, but it wasn't for long. And we became friends later. This feels like nothing I've ever experienced - like I've been through a war or been raped or something. It feels like it will take forever to get over it. But . .. I need to be patient. There is somewhere out there, I know it. But when I met my ex, I felt like HE was the one I'd been waiting for all my life. Thank God I got out of it when I did I suppose. And there are guys out there - I just don't want any of them lol. Nobody measures up. I guess it takes time.
depplover_1980 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Early days my cloudy lemonade! Soon you will be bubbly clear lemonade again and see with clarity. To be honest it is the worse thing when you dream about an ex as it is your psyche's way of seeing them as you miss them, then when you awake you feel like you've been with them and quickly have to re-adjust to the truth. Keep on smiling youthful redhead.
MidnightinMadrid Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 uh oh even i was suprised they won,just like the Underdog Saints,in my hometown N'awlins that got me saying Whodat for a week! You guys are describing exactly the guy i've been posting about,he's seriously a NPD-and I read alot about that type of person,fits him to a T,andits crazy i keep wondring if i'll ever hear from him,as if i want more pain and rejection.Always think somehwhere inside of him is the nice guy who once cried on my shoulder's about his dad's passing,who was always there for me as i was for him. My question if anyone can answer is if someone has N,do they only act that way with you. Mine has since moved on to someone else,and basically let me know in their own N snake speech that he they cares so much about her and that i basically mean nothing to them. (he didnt exacyly say the last part but we all know the ole saying about actions speaking louder. Generally Do N only act that way with you the person theyre not really interested in meanwhile treat others with more respect? I've always wonder if his lack of respect is only reserved was me? Makelemonade,,I like what you said about NC and that you run the other way when you see him:laugh: hi SC,I'll respond to your questions. I beleive a person with N personality will act the same way towards everyone who trusts him. As a poster wrote they are Icey underneath even if they try to give love,to a selected priviledged few it seems. I may be wrong if anyone wants to chime in,the fact is it doesnt matter. If he mistreats you it is not okay no matter if he's a saint to others.
Whatshername Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Makelemonade......I commend you for being strong and having NC. I do. I understand the beaten up feeling. I feel like I was hit by a train. Yet empty, yet full of emotion, but like I am fading.............. It is not always as strong, but when the tears come, I feel like my heart will actually break in two. You are beautiful and I have no doubt that someday when you least expect it, the RIGHT man will see and appreciate you for all you are....inside and out! but.................. What if you break NC.........I did, sadly and tearfully. I sent a few texts...... I also left a voice mail. My daughter returned home last weekend from out of state, left her husband and she is a mere 20, her husband is AWFUL. So it's good, but I think it opened me up emotionally, as I was sick and had to work in bad weather, then she came and I was just getting my head above water dealing with the breakup being REAL and NC after we had met 2 weeks prior and I thought he was going to apologize bc he said he "loved me"..... yeah right. I am SO mad at myself. Of course he would not respond, that is his weapon. I have been crying, randomly and I guess it is grieving the relationship, but my love for him is so deep, it feels like I will die. Of course I am not depressed, or thinking of doing anything stupid, but it is overwhelming. It is like I cry, then my brain goes 100 mph thinking way to say things I want to say to him, and thinking STUPIDLY, I can reason with him. I drive during my job and out of nowhere, I will burst into tears. Thank God I am alone or people would think I am crazy. IT FEELS CRAZY! I think, all along, I always thought he would "see" when we were finally together how well it would work. That his fear of commitment, his fear of our differences would fade as we shared life together. I must have been on drugs. But he liked me being all in. What man, knowing a woman wanted to get married, would stay with her for over 4 years if he did not want to eventually marry her. Geez I am a hot OLD mess........lol I did swim laps today, for the first time in 6 weeks. I was also offered a free Crossfit Gym membership, as my son won a big competition and our local gym owner was there. So...........something new and constructive to do. yeah!
depplover_1980 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Good for you - a strong body equals a strong mind. Get fit, get happy and you'll look sexy too.
Whatshername Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 thanks depplover.........I am feeling better this evening. Exercise is SO amazing, it is like medicine. I have not read your posts, but I do hope your are ok. You are very good at lifting us all up, so I want to say that, it is very well received and I thank you! I did read the one about you punching him in the face. Funny, as my text today (bad girl) said this: A) I punch you in the face B) You apologize to me C) We screw each others brains out D) I am your Valentine and I make you a lemon pound cake E) All of the above I said I pick E...........and you? Of course it was moot to send this I SHOULD have punched him when I intercepted the text from the woman he kissed and walked out and never looked back! DINNER TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH spaghetti and salad will help!
willowthewisp Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I miss him today. Dreamed about him (and I was trying to leave HIM before he left me lol). I'm in the middle of crunching for a deadline - writing 10 hours a day until Friday noon, so I'm exhausted. Funny how I miss him when I'm tired or sick. I just want him to be the guy I thought he was - the romance guy. I wonder if there's another one out there that really is that romance guy. I'm kind of resigned to just being alone for the rest of my life. And after a few years it won't be so easy to find a man - I'm 36. My daughter and her friends say I look 29, and I'm redheaded, so that helps, but lately I just feel like an old woman - inside and out. I miss feeling attractive, I miss sex, I miss kissing. I miss feeling like I have somebody there - even if he was emotionally absent. Wow - this is just a pity party this morning. Helps to write it I guess. I hope everybody else is doing better! One day at a time. It WILL get better. We just have to keep telling ourselves that. Hi, My ex wasn't NPD but he is a commitment phobic and I understand the emotional distance you are describing to some extent, although with a CP they push and pull, kind of like your romance guy and emotionally void guy, the result is incrediably confusing. Like you I have had no closure, he went NC and I haven't had contact in over a year and a half, he left me almost two years ago right after we booked our wedding, we were together nearly 20 years. I just thought I would respond to you because there are some similarities and your thread is helping me in some ways. I've been to counselling and for the most part am moving on now, but the wrid thing is just like you I too am middle 30's, in uni (although as postgrad) and I am in the midst of exams right now, incrediably tired and dreamed about him last night! I too worry I will not find anyone else and I will be alone now for the rest of my life, I have dated recently but to no avail. I get how you feel, I miss someone to cuddle! Hang in there, we'll both get through it.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Still struggling with this deadline - Friday noon and I'm done with it, but I may be up all night writing tomorrow PM. I just want all of you to know how much it helps me to be able to post on here. I've been so isolated - partially because I need it for my mental health, partially because I'm so busy with work right now, and partially because I lost a whole community of friends when I lost my ex and I'm trying to hide out and avoid everyone. It's good to know I'm not alone, although I regret that anyone else has to go through this type of pain. Sometimes I just want to text him and tell him "I know you are a cold f-ing bastard," but what that would accomplish I don't know. I need to stay the heck away from him. I'm still in the phase where I would take him back - yep, that's right, as insane as it sounds - I would do it - if only to be able to be the one who leaves this time. I know that sounds messed up. I just can't handle the rejection. I was always way too good for him anyway. I know how to love for REAL. Someday I'll get my revenge - and that's being incredibly successful, happy, and finding a man who I love ten thousand times more (although that's hard to imagine - wow, not sure that's what I want lol). Ok - margaritas are starting to talk. I get to a point with these deadlines sometimes where I can't keep writing unless I drink. Alcohol cures writer's block every time. Love to all of you. Hang in there. We are all in this together. xoxo
gator12 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Just one question, because I'd love to give my input but it depends, are you the dumper or the dumpee in this situation? If you are the dumper, then he is doing exactly what a dumpee should do by not contacting you. And should you really want to take him back you are going to have to be the one to initiate it, assuming he has respect for himself. If you are the dumpee on the other hand, it just shows he doesn't want you to be a part of his life at this moment. He is backing off to give you time to heal which is actually nice of him in a sense. Idk, it all depends on the situation, but know that if you want him back and are the dumper you will have to initiate it. Oooo and sometimes being friends with an ex just isn't possible. I am good friends with my 2 most serious exes to this day. But after my first love and I broke up it took about a year before we started talking again and eventually became best of friends again. My current ex, who I loved even more than my first love, we still aren't talking and I am at the stage where I just don't want ot be only friends with her, I can't do it. So it all depends. Stay strong -Gator
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) Just one question, because I'd love to give my input but it depends, are you the dumper or the dumpee in this situation? If you are the dumper, then he is doing exactly what a dumpee should do by not contacting you. And should you really want to take him back you are going to have to be the one to initiate it, assuming he has respect for himself. If you are the dumpee on the other hand, it just shows he doesn't want you to be a part of his life at this moment. He is backing off to give you time to heal which is actually nice of him in a sense. Oooo and sometimes being friends with an ex just isn't possible. Stay strong -Gator I was dumped -at 3am while both of us were drunk - after he had screamed at me for two hours (over I don't even know what - while I apologized), pushed me several times, and then picked me up and physically threw me out of the apartment and slammed the door. That was September 27th, 2010. Less than 24 hours before, we had made love and said we loved each other. I have not heard a word from him since, NOTHING, except for this poem last week in my mailbox (not written by him) - which tells me, in literary allusion, to go jump in front of a train. I agree, I don't think being friends is an option. I want a f***ing apology. I love reading on here about stories from people who are like "he broke up with me and we both cried, etc. and he told me I was good too good for him" and all of that. THAT is how normal people break up. I'm not saying it's easier for other people because I know it's not. It's just that other people are not insane Narcissists like my ex. I miss him, my body wants him back, but my mind says run away and never look back. That said, thanks for the advice Gator. You are a rock on this forum and I know a lot of people think so. Edited February 10, 2011 by makelemonade1974
willowthewisp Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I was dumped -at 3am while both of us were drunk - after he had screamed at me for two hours (over I don't even know what - while I apologized), pushed me several times, and then picked me up and physically threw me out of the apartment and slammed the door. That was September 27th, 2010. Less than 24 hours before, we had made love and said we loved each other. I have not heard a word from him since, NOTHING, except for this poem last week in my mailbox (not written by him) - which tells me, in literary allusion, to go jump in front of a train. I agree, I don't think being friends is an option. I want a f***ing apology. I love reading on here about stories from people who are like "he broke up with me and we both cried, etc. and he told me I was good too good for him" and all of that. THAT is how normal people break up. I'm not saying it's easier for other people because I know it's not. It's just that other people are not insane Narcissists like my ex. I miss him, my body wants him back, but my mind says run away and never look back. That said, thanks for the advice Gator. You are a rock on this forum and I know a lot of people think so. I absolutely agree with you Lemonade, that is how normal people break up, it's called leaving with love and honours what you have shared. Like my situation, with a CP, when there is no reason behind the break up, that is when you get treated like s**t and left in a state of total and utter shock that it has happened. I hope you don't mind me asking but is your avatar your picture?
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