No contact EVER?

[makelemonade1974]

It has been nearly 5 months. I am still getting the "silent treatment" at work, etc. and no response to the occasional friendly email. Is this normal? I am friends, in some manner, with every guy I've ever dated - even the ones who "dumped" me have gotten back in touch after a few months. After the argument in which I was dumped, I have had NOTHING except this recent poem in my mailbox which pretty much tells me to go jump in front of a train (it's a Russian novel reference - long story).

 

I just want to know how he's doing. Apparently he wants to pretend I am dead. Is this a normal response? Break up with someone and then never talk to them again? It just seems like emotional torture - this is "the silent treatment" or "no contact." ?

 

I still don't have closure. It's unreal.

[fun2bewith]

I am sorry that you have to feel this NC treatment.

 

It could also mean that he still have bottled up emotions that he does not want to deal with and by pretending that you are not there or "dead" says that he still feel something...Okay I do not want to give you hope, cause you might get confused, but you talking about a recent poem that he sent?

 

That means he made contact...and any publicity is better than no publicity...He still feel something, but it does not mean that he wants you back...he is just still affected by you...If he wasn't he would not even send anything...

 

What do you want to see or do for you to get closure?

[spackle]

some people break up and move on never to look back, some people get hurt to a degree that they have to go NC to get their head straight, etc.

 

Are you saying it's torture because you're focusing on how you feel rather than the feelings of your ex who wants nothing to do with you?

[Eddie Edirol]

This is a normal reaction by somone who is so frustrated with you that they have no desire to talk to you. Youre not going to get closure, so forget it. He doesnt WANT you to know how hes doing, thats why he's staying far away from you. And as long as you let the wondering bother you, he wins. Youre not getting back together, so theres no need to talk to him, and theres no need to wonder how hes doing. You think you need that to feed your ego, but you dont. Im sure you have plenty of friends that you havent contacted in a while, you can call them up and find out how theyre doing.

[EasyHeart]

It has been nearly 5 months. I am still getting the "silent treatment" at work, etc. and no response to the occasional friendly email. Is this normal? I am friends, in some manner, with every guy I've ever dated - even the ones who "dumped" me have gotten back in touch after a few months. After the argument in which I was dumped, I have had NOTHING except this recent poem in my mailbox which pretty much tells me to go jump in front of a train (it's a Russian novel reference - long story).

 

I just want to know how he's doing. Apparently he wants to pretend I am dead. Is this a normal response? Break up with someone and then never talk to them again? It just seems like emotional torture - this is "the silent treatment" or "no contact." ?

 

I still don't have closure. It's unreal.

Is this the guy with NPD? Reading some of your posts is like reading my bio from a few years ago!

 

In my case, GF dumped me unexpectedly, no real explanation. Certainly no explanation that made sense. I still had to see her about twice a week, and she would pretend she couldn't see me, avoid eye-contact, talk to people who were talking to me as if I wasn't there, etc. It was the strangest thing I'd experienced --- at least since middle school. . . .

 

You can't expect mentally ill people to respond with normal behavior. This is just another aspect of his "crazy-making" talents. You expect people to react in a certain way, so he reacts in the opposite way in order to keep you hooked. And it's working, isn't it?

 

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, no matter what tactics you use, you will never, ever get him to act in a way that makes sense. He can't. It's not that he doesn't want to or isn't willing to, he literally can't. You will drive yourself nuts if you expect him to.

 

I've learned this the hard way. "Emotional torture" is a good term for it, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. The only think you can do is not let it affect you.

 

Do yourself a huge favor and just forget about him. You won't ever get closure (I never did). Closure requires two emotionally healthy people to communicate; he isn't healthy and he can't communicate in any way that would make sense to you. I know it's hard, but you just need to accept that none of this is ever going to make sense to you. The best thing you can do is stay busy, stay away from him and stop letting him affect you.

[makelemonade1974]

Yeah, I guess I can't expect him to act normally. I just keep wavering between wondering if he's the NPD monster or the guy I fell in love with. I think he realizes I'm onto his BS and he's trying to suggest (with the poem) that he has feelings. I have one friend that says "yeah, he has feelings, but not empathy for others, just feels sorry for himself." I have another friend that says "if you respond to that poem I will never speak to you again" lol.

 

I really do need to stop trying to communicate with him. I just really really really want him to be the guy I fell in love with, not the guy who physically threw me out of the apartment and then gave me the "silent treatment." I miss the romance guy. The poem really threw me for a loop.

 

And when I see him at work I tend to go the other way as quickly as possible. When I don't (the other day I was talking with somebody and had to linger a couple minutes) he looks and looks and looks.

 

If he's the romance guy, he's still in love with me, just stubborn. If he's the NPD guy, he wants to keep my hanging in hopes of future Narcissistic supply.

 

I'm going to ignore him. Hopefully I can be strong enough.

[EasyHeart]

Listen to your friends.

 

And that "romance guy" doesn't exist. He's the false-self your ex has spent his whole life creating in order to get people to like him. Romance Guy isn't real. He has an obsessive need for people to like him and knows exactly how to do it.

 

His real self is the one who threw you out. That's who he's always been and that's who he'll always be. If he decides he wants you back, he can morph back into "romance guy", but it won't be any more real than it was the first time.

 

Treat him like an addiction. Every time you see him (or even think about him) scream "Get away from me!! You're my crack!!!"

 

Hmmm, on second thought maybe you could just silently think it to yourself. But just stay away from him and stop thinking about him. You can always kill time by giving advice to the lovelorn here on LS.

 

It will get better. I promise.

[makelemonade1974]

Thanks EasyHeart, you're a sweetie. It IS an addiction. And I suppose silence is the best weapon I have.

 

For everybody else here - No Contact is for our own protection. If you get a response, you will feel worse than you did before. This poem I got turned back the clock about four months. I've been feeling just like I did the first few days after the initial breakup. Contacting them is just asking for more rejection.

 

And don't date until you are over it. I did a lot of dating in the last couple months, and my best friend had to point out to me that every time I went out on a date, I ended up crying over my ex the next day. That was the trigger - nobody will measure up to them until you have healed.

[EasyHeart]

Those are some smart things you said in your post. Of course, they're really hard to do! I heard all those things and would try to do them, but then I'd figure out some excuse to say, "But I'm different! This is different!! If I could just talk to her, I could make it all right!!!" (I'm a teensie-bit stubborn and pig-headed). The only way I ever healed was by accepting that the person I fell in love with never really existed.

 

Like you said, NC is for YOU. NC is like the bandage you wear so that you can heal. I ended up thinking of it as a scab -- every time you pick it, you start bleeding again. Don't pick it, Lemonade!!! DON'T PICK IT!!!

 

Luckily, tonight you can keep your mind off of your dumbass loser ex-BF by rooting against the hated Green Bay Packers. Just imagine that Aaron Rodgers is you ex, and scream "KILL HIM!!!" every time the Steelers rush him. "KILL HIM!!!" (It's making me feel better already!)

[depplover_1980]

Lemonade, as per the previous thread you really need to accept that this guy is actually being who he really is NOW. Before he was acting and stuck in his idealism, which he found fault with and callously kicked you to the curb (literally) like my ex narcissistic bastard!! You are not dealing with a 'normal' person as this guy literally lacks empathy for human emotion - it is not something that he can suddenly learn, it would be like trying put a square brick in a circular hole.

 

I worry about you having to work with this guy, how often do you have face to face contact. Do you see a counsellor about him and the feelings of low esteem his behaviour has projected onto you? x

[makelemonade1974]

Thank you depplover - you have been so supportive on these forums. I always appreciate your comments. Yes, I work with him, but we are teachers at a university, so I can avoid him usually. I know his schedule, so I just stay out of the way when I know he's on campus. And yes, I do see a counselor, so that helps.

[depplover_1980]

Thank you depplover - you have been so supportive on these forums. I always appreciate your comments. Yes, I work with him, but we are teachers at a university, so I can avoid him usually. I know his schedule, so I just stay out of the way when I know he's on campus. And yes, I do see a counselor, so that helps.

 

This does make it extra difficult being on site with him and having to deal with all those emotions you just want to throw right back at him, though we both know his 'magic shield' would bounce them back and you'd feel worse!!

 

You are doing so well you know? It is utterly devastating when someone had convinced you they were kind and cared for you to nothing; beyond confusing with no closure except the one you create for yourself. As said part of that closure is to continue building the belief you were conned by him - perhaps look at it the same as someone who is scammed out of thousands of dollars by someone they were groomed into trusting.

 

This worked for me in the end because it was logical and naturally being highly emotional I can focus and grasp when I introduce logic. Train your mind - if you tell yourself something enough, you'll start to believe it.

 

Keep smiling and believe. Email me personally at [email protected] if you ever want to.

[makelemonade1974]

I'm also "highly emotional." From what I've heard, N's gravitate towards women like us because we possess what they covet - the ability to be empathetic and in touch with their emotions. Thank you for your encouragement. I learned a big lesson after I got that poem - this man is dangerous and has the potential to make me feel unbelievably depressed. I need to stay the hell away from him if I want to be a healthy person - and not get caught up in this magical thinking of remembering who he was.

 

It's so funny, I was going through some pictures today of our travels in Europe, and I have a pic of the "empathetic face" and a pic of the "feel sorry for me face." It's rather hysterical really.

[enchantedbird]

Listen lemonaid.

 

You are wiser than him, you have emotional intellegence.

You are stronger than him, you have the courage to be weak.

You are the one with the advantage here, not him. You have to give yourself credit for being more human, more mature, more trusting, more alive.

He isn't fit to like the ground you walk on

[makelemonade1974]

Listen lemonaid.

 

You are wiser than him, you have emotional intellegence.

You are stronger than him, you have the courage to be weak.

You are the one with the advantage here, not him. You have to give yourself credit for being more human, more mature, more trusting, more alive.

He isn't fit to like the ground you walk on

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

 

Thank you for this.

[Whatshername]

If it is the NPD guy...NC NC NC.and you will be all the better for making your own closure, because whatever you managed to squeeze from him would be twisted, and meant to make you feel badly about yourself......be ablout waht YOU did, and none of his fault OF COURSE!

 

NC NC NC!!!!!!!

[depplover_1980]

I'm also "highly emotional." From what I've heard, N's gravitate towards women like us because we possess what they covet - the ability to be empathetic and in touch with their emotions. Thank you for your encouragement. I learned a big lesson after I got that poem - this man is dangerous and has the potential to make me feel unbelievably depressed. I need to stay the hell away from him if I want to be a healthy person - and not get caught up in this magical thinking of remembering who he was.

 

It's so funny, I was going through some pictures today of our travels in Europe, and I have a pic of the "empathetic face" and a pic of the "feel sorry for me face." It's rather hysterical really.

 

This made me laugh Lemonade because I just though of Ben Stiller in Zoolander pulling that 'blue steel' face and then revealing his new face 'magnum' at the end which was the same as the last one!!!

[Movingthrough]

I know what you are feeling, and i wish none of us ever had too. I can tell you from a guys perspective that when you wrote he just looks looks and looks that he is looking for you to do something. I dont mean it like you should (hell no) but thats like a kid sitting in a corner pouting until you give him his ice cream back. BUT because he was at fault for so much of the breakup (thats what im getting from this) he doesnt want to own it and just puts it off on something else.

 

It always gets to me too to think "wow all that we did and had was just to break up and never talk again?". The beauty of your situation is he sounds like a baby and obviously someone you dont want around. A poem after a break up? Come on...just say what you want to say and move on. These things always come down to the same thing and it happened to me too, you probably saw all the red flags but we didnt listen, so now we have to feel the pain. Just know that the next one you meet wont be anything like this.

[makelemonade1974]

Depplover - I haven't seen that movie, although I love Ben Stiller. And the faces are different -the empathetic face is really sweet (sigh). The feel-sorry-for-me face is just pathetic. Imagine being at dinner at a beautiful restaurant in Paris and staring at the feel-sorry-for-me-face. Oh. My. God. I should have left him so long ago.

 

movingthrough - your perspective is helpful - men baffle me, especially this one. The poem is really stupid (and he didn't write it, so it's evocative - by a poet who really knows his stuff) but he knew what he was doing when he left it. He thinks I'm getting over him and he wants to knock me on my a** again. Well it worked.

 

And the looking thing - I'm pretty. I know that sounds arrogant and stupid but I take good care of myself and I know I'm kinda foxy. I think part of the reason he was with me was because he is so worried about his "image" as an artist and I somehow enhanced it - like i was the "groupie" or something. He's very shy and has no clue how to make moves on women, so I'll probably be the last girl he'll be with for a long while and he knows it.

 

I know he regrets the breakup. That's why he's stringing me along with the silent treatment and then the poem. It's just that he made such a social mess afterwards (we both did) that there's no way he can save face in his "artist community" if he takes me back. And like I said, his image is everything. He would have to admit he was wrong, and he'll never do that.

 

I love this board - it really helps me to get perspective. No contact is my last word. NEVER AGAIN am I going to feed this man with compliments and ego strokes. I am so much better than that (although it doesn't feel like that now - i pretty much still feel like sh** lol).

[Whatshername]

It's ok to feel like sh**. As long as you are on this side of the fence, looking back at the things you did that you will no longer do. I feel like that too, many days, along with feeling the anger that wells up...........thinking we had SO much going for us, but because he refused to_____ or ____ or ____ ......... well, there you have it. He not only couldn't and didn't, he had absolutely no idea how to or desire to do anything other than look out for himself.

 

That is why we feel like Sh**, bc we did not treat them how they deserve to be treated, but treated them like we would like to be treated.

 

Next time, you give only what is deserved....and in due time.

 

Buy the book "Why All Men Love Bitches"..... you won't need the advice with every man, but it definitely keeps you abreast of the very simplest ways that we devalue ourselves, innocently, to people who will run over us, and disrespect us for that very niceness.

 

Love yourself...........time heals all wounds.

[Movingthrough]

Its funny because guys say the same about girls as far as baffling each other. I think overall we get the opposite sex very well, but feeling it is the problem. I read a book once that said girls speak in the moment based off of emotion and thats why they can say i love you and leave you the next. That right there answered about 90% of my questions, but feeling it in a break up is a different story.

 

PM me if you ever need a guys perspectives on things, i know i have a ton of questions about a girls perspective i could ask you about!

[depplover_1980]

I know he regrets the breakup. That's why he's stringing me along with the silent treatment and then the poem. It's just that he made such a social mess afterwards (we both did) that there's no way he can save face in his "artist community" if he takes me back. And like I said, his image is everything. He would have to admit he was wrong, and he'll never do that.

 

This bit still worries me, almost indicates you would give him a chance. Also you are presuming he regrets it- a true narcissist would not regret it and he would be stringing you along purely to hold onto some control.

[makelemonade1974]

depp - yeah, it worries me too. I'm still wavering between NPD guy and romance guy. BUT I have to be strong. And trust me, he's so stubborn that by the time he comes sniffing around again I'll be long gone. He regrets it because the girl he left me for - and it was an emotional rather than a physical relationship (I'm pretty convinced of this - she's married) is probably not fulfilling his supply needs like I did. He wants his supply filled. I think they can have regrets, just not empathy. I read an article recently that said N's vacillate between feeling inferior and superior - these regulate most other emotions that they have (which are always about THEM).

 

Moving - my guy friend was the one who said "if you respond to that poem I will never speak to you again." I know it's cliche, but men can be really rational and objective sometimes.

 

Whats - I will absolutely check out that book. Sounds like a good one.

[enchantedbird]

N's are reptillan snakes that only function from the most primitive part of their brains. They use emotions, mammal type emotions to control other people, they don't actually feel these emotions themselves. They live purely for power and control, the two most base desires. Even when they actually "give" love, they are still icey cold underneith. This is why they can turn off so easy..because the didn't have real feelings in the first place.

N's will not for any woman relinquish his social control or apperance. That's why he cares more about what he looks like to the art commuity.

Can a snake love you?

No, snakes don't even give birth. They lay eggs and walk away. The reptillian brain is real, look it up,but not everyone is that base and primitive.

There are men out there with feelings like empathy, is there any reason why you are bent on having a guy that isn't?

 

I have the same problem, I dated a N, and the only way I could begin to get over it was to tell myself these things.

 

You sound like a sweet person and will probably find a good guy in no time if you stopped focusing on this black hole.

Have you tried okcupid or any dating sites? They are a really good distraction

[depplover_1980]

She has tried all that and is making really good progress. Hard to quickly overcome this as the shock can last months alone. The slower she gets over it, the more solid her recovery will be.