tami-chan Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Ok...I think I understand what you want to "hear". You should just wait it out until the chips fall---until she makes a decision, until you guys get find out by the husband and he makes the decision for all of you (so to speak), or you get tired and make the decision yourself....there is a tipping point-when is the question-if you are patient, you'll find out---April, though, sounds good enough-I wouldn't tell her about that, because that date if for YOU.
bentnotbroken Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Is that all you have to say? Yes.....problem??
JaneyAmazed Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Because the majority of people in this forum have been like, "Run away, don't walk, and never talk to her again." And that's just not very helpful when there's absolutely no way I'm going to do that. The thing is...we really don't want to hear what we don't want to do, even if it's what we should do. I remember telling my xOM there's no way I could never talk to him or see him again, even if we ended the A. Well guess what, I decided to confess to my H (without telling OM first) and decided to never see or talk to xOM again (my H and my choice - not OMs). This was a month ago. I've had no communication with him. And yes, I cared about OM, I thought I was in love with him, I was addicted to him!... but I knew I wanted my marriage to work, and there is no way in the world to work on a marriage while in an affair. So, you can do all the planning and waiting you want, but she may be the one to make the final decision without your input or even telling you first. Also, the longer you stay, the worse it will hurt when it does end. Do you really want to stick around for that? Also, the fear will only get worse. You can stick your head in the sand and not listen to those who tell you to leave, but one day you will wish you had listened. I'm only saying it because I know it's true. There's a very slim chance of things turning out positively for you at this point.
Author justaname Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 To add, what is your desired outcome? I feel like I'm in it for life, honestly. But realistically speaking, the freedom to take this as far as it will go.
Author justaname Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Ideally, both you and I would do well to step back and tell her to call when she is split/divorced. Much easier said than done. Your entire answer was thoughtful and helpful. I appreciate it. With regards to this point, though, it'd be sort of difficult for a lot of reasons, but it does lend support to her idea that maybe she wants to make sure she can't fix things. I could step aside for a while if I knew that it was the only thing that could lead to an outcome she'd be completely ok with.
SoMovinOn Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Your entire answer was thoughtful and helpful. I appreciate it. With regards to this point, though, it'd be sort of difficult for a lot of reasons, but it does lend support to her idea that maybe she wants to make sure she can't fix things. I could step aside for a while if I knew that it was the only thing that could lead to an outcome she'd be completely ok with. Don't forget what's behind door #2 ... you step aside to give her time to sort things out. She decides to stay where she is. ... you then have to love her enough to completely walk away. Kids are a strong pull. Regardless of how her marriage is, she is likely to stay with her H for the benefit of the kids. If she does seriously consider leaving, and seriously considers getting with you, she'll be looking at you not only as H material, but she'll also be assessing you potential as a dad.
pureinheart Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Your entire answer was thoughtful and helpful. I appreciate it. With regards to this point, though, it'd be sort of difficult for a lot of reasons, but it does lend support to her idea that maybe she wants to make sure she can't fix things. I could step aside for a while if I knew that it was the only thing that could lead to an outcome she'd be completely ok with. SMO is very good people...I think you have to go with the flow...is she in danger, meaning is her H abusive? It is so hard to walk away, if you do it, you have to follow though IMO, not expecting anything. I did walk for many reasons, for myself, for him..he was so confused and I felt my feelings for him were holding me back from someone of whom I could have the life I wanted with. They separated shortly after. It is an individual decision though, in bold was where I was at..
Heather1 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Def factor in being a step dad & if you're ready for the whole enchalada. There's some statistic about AP's who leave spouses, it's usually the first few months of an A? Most likely exit A's? Can't remember. Anyway, you're on A heroin right now & hopefully by April you'll have a grip of the reality of the situation. Personally, I'm VERY glad xMM & I didn't split our families up for eachother! Now anyway. At the beginning, oh yeah, ready to run off w/ him to the ends of the earth! He was on the biggest pedestal I could put him on.
BeachBetty Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 You know, people do things in their own time. I mean would anyone REALLY want someone to leave for them if they've only known someone for a month or less? That's just a little wild... People don't even ask someone to marry them if they're single after knowing someone for that short amount of time... When they're married, they want to be sure...
Owl Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 JAST...how firm is your "April deadline"? What is your specific date? What specific actions are you requiring her to complete by that date? What specifically are you going to do if she's not completed those actions by that date? I understand that you don't want to hear anything about ending it between now and then...I don't see value in that mindset, but I'll honor your response. I'm curious about your "plan of action" when you hit your deadline, and will be ready to post advice/support then when/if you need it.
SidLyon Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Is that all you have to say? And you? **************************************************** JAN - my advice is to work out what you want to happen and when. Then tell her of this. Some might call it setting boundaries or giving an ultimatum. Despite being a BW I know all about this, as it's what I did on finding out about my fWH's affair. He was conflicted/torn too but he was sensible enough to realise that he could no longer continue with us both. It worked for me as we are now happily reconciling with no OW in the picture. It might have gone the other way too with him leaving to be with her. Either way, by now, I would have considered that the boundary setting/ultimatum had worked for me. Anything else would have meant me enabling him to stay married while having an affair.
jthorne Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Why would a man leave his wife if he still loves her?
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