justaname Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 (edited) please don't reply to this to say that i shouldn't be in this situation. i know it sucks. i'm not going to stay in it forever, or at least once i know there's no hope, or probably past april. but it really does seem like her leaving and being with me is a possibility. and don't reply with cynicism, saying, "she'll never leave." because people do. i see it all the time. a handful of my friends left relationships and marriages and found each other and they're amazing together. we had a long talk last night. it was pretty intense, sort of bad at points. everything she said made her decision seem so obvious, and yet it still isn't -- exactly. there are children and years of history, and there's still love there, it's just... not right. she had been under the impression that before she decided to leave, she could take a little time and really try to fix what was wrong, make sure she couldn't. but she's been trying for two years, and it seems like she hadn't even realized that i couldn't be in her life during this time. i mean, if she's completely in love with me, how is she going to even try to fix things? now she doesn't know what to do, and i'm scared that she's going to do nothing. i want to be with her, but i'll take knowing for sure that i never could. it's the waiting and wondering if anything's ever going to change that is going to maybe even kill any chance we had. i don't want things to turn scary and tense. i think we decided to date a little, let ourselves kiss without feeling bad about it (we've kissed and done a little more but every time it's like, "we shouldn't have done that," but we kiss every time we see each other), spend time exploring each other as actual possibilities. but i don't want this to end up as just a fully realized affair and neither does she. i don't know what i should do. i don't know what she should do. she doesn't know what either of us should do either. all we know is that the love is there and it's complete but it's getting smothered by the fear. Edited February 6, 2011 by justaname
woinlove Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Justaname, it's not quite clear from your post what you and MW have decided. It sounds like she has decided to continue "working on" her M for a while, and maybe continuing seeing you and let things go a bit further than before. Is that correct? As you can tell from reading LS, if that is the case, you are in for a lot of drama, what many refer to as a rollercoaster of emotions. Only you know how much of this you can take. While you have intense feelings of love now, it is difficult to see the whole picture realistically, and sometimes even when the MP divorces, things are not as rosy as you might have imagined/hoped. It is easier to really want someone when you can't really have them, and an affair typically hides some parts, under all the drama and restrictions, you might otherwise see. However, if you are giving yourself until April to see how it all works out, just try to make sure that you are still getting what you want and living how you want now. It is almost always a mistake to put one's life on hold for another person, as it is only ourselves that we control. This doesn't mean one shouldn't sacrifice for another - in fact, one should sacrifice for another when that is exactly what you want to do and you know that is what makes you happiest.
BB07 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Why are you so afraid to hear anything that you perceive as critical or negative?
Author justaname Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 It sounds like she has decided to continue "working on" her M for a while, and maybe continuing seeing you and let things go a bit further than before. Is that correct? Not entirely. Working on things would involve more open communication about what's missing and focusing on him instead of me. And, yeah, I don't want to be in this limbo and yes, my life is on hold, but I'm not really sure my heart can do anything else. It's tried and failed.
Author justaname Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Why are you so afraid to hear anything that you perceive as critical or negative? Because the majority of people in this forum have been like, "Run away, don't walk, and never talk to her again." And that's just not very helpful when there's absolutely no way I'm going to do that.
Spark1111 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Well, it sounds like absolutely nothing has changed since your last post despite this intense, emotionally driven conversation where truly nothing of any substance was said. Although it sounds very romantic and wonderful, and implies something may happen....but what actions are being taken? Truly, none. That's right. None. She will try to work on the marriage, sorta, while still seeing you and allowing things to progress a little more, sorta, with no true deadline for any kind of action, because of the kids, their history and she still loves him, sorta. What do YOU want? What future do you envision for yourself? What steps are you taking to find and have that future? Because if you do not know that NOW, you may still be posting here five years from now waiting for her to leave her H to have a future with you. And your life, your goals, your future will be five years older still waiting. You have two choices. Except what is with no expectation of anything changing, (an affair is an affair is an affair) or stop it......end it.....RIGHT NOW.
Author justaname Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 You have two choices. Accept what is with no expectation of anything changing (an affair is an affair is an affair) or stop it......end it.....RIGHT NOW. This is exactly the kind of response I was talking about. In my first sentence I said I wouldn't let it go past April, but if there's a possibility of this being more -- however slight -- I want to take steps to make that happen.
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 This is exactly the kind of response I was talking about. In my first sentence I said I wouldn't let it go past April, but if there's a possibility of this being more -- however slight -- I want to take steps to make that happen. Okay, stay. Wait it out and see what happens. One thing you MUST accept though, the decision on if she stays or goes it out of your hands. That's out of your control. You can plan steps, try to push it to happen but nothing you can do (unless you call her husband and outright tell him that you are going to steal away his wife from him, and even then, she may turn her back on you for doing that) but wait. That's all I'll say since you don't want any advice accept how to convince her to choose you and divorce her H, leave him and start a new life with you. Good luck.
Spark1111 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 This is exactly the kind of response I was talking about. In my first sentence I said I wouldn't let it go past April, but if there's a possibility of this being more -- however slight -- I want to take steps to make that happen. So then you wait.... I wish you peace.
bentnotbroken Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Well, it sounds like absolutely nothing has changed since your last post despite this intense, emotionally driven conversation where truly nothing of any substance was said. Although it sounds very romantic and wonderful, and implies something may happen....but what actions are being taken? Truly, none. That's right. None. She will try to work on the marriage, sorta, while still seeing you and allowing things to progress a little more, sorta, with no true deadline for any kind of action, because of the kids, their history and she still loves him, sorta. What do YOU want? What future do you envision for yourself? What steps are you taking to find and have that future? Because if you do not know that NOW, you may still be posting here five years from now waiting for her to leave her H to have a future with you. And your life, your goals, your future will be five years older still waiting. You have two choices. Except what is with no expectation of anything changing, (an affair is an affair is an affair) or stop it......end it.....RIGHT NOW. Now you know he won't hear this. It doesn't jive with the "my heart " mentality.
bentnotbroken Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 This is exactly the kind of response I was talking about. In my first sentence I said I wouldn't let it go past April, but if there's a possibility of this being more -- however slight -- I want to take steps to make that happen. See what I mean.
woinlove Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Not entirely. Working on things would involve more open communication about what's missing and focusing on him instead of me. And, yeah, I don't want to be in this limbo and yes, my life is on hold, but I'm not really sure my heart can do anything else. It's tried and failed. Thanks, that's what I thought (and why I put "working" in quotes) but I wasn't sure. In my first sentence I said I wouldn't let it go past April, but if there's a possibility of this being more -- however slight -- I want to take steps to make that happen. Having a deadline like this is good because it is you deciding what you can accept, taking some control and trying to make things work for you. However, you said above that right now you're not sure you can do anything else (but wait) and you've tried and failed. Please know, that however difficult it is now, it is likely to be even more difficult in April, after you've invested more time and feelings. You might start thinking now of a plan, and how you will handle it if nothing has changed in April. Think of what steps you will take that will make it possible for you to heal and move toward happiness, recognizing how difficult this is. Also think of what concrete action you would need to see in order for you to continue a relationship with MW after April. It's best to think about all this now, because when April comes, if your heart is still in pain, you will be just as much, or even more, confused by it all.
Spark1111 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Thanks, that's what I thought (and why I put "working" in quotes) but I wasn't sure. Having a deadline like this is good because it is you deciding what you can accept, taking some control and trying to make things work for you. However, you said above that right now you're not sure you can do anything else (but wait) and you've tried and failed. Please know, that however difficult it is now, it is likely to be even more difficult in April, after you've invested more time and feelings. You might start thinking now of a plan, and how you will handle it if nothing has changed in April. Think of what steps you will take that will make it possible for you to heal and move toward happiness, recognizing how difficult this is. Also think of what concrete action you would need to see in order for you to continue a relationship with MW after April. It's best to think about all this now, because when April comes, if your heart is still in pain, you will be just as much, or even more, confused by it all. Great advice! JAN, you do realize the longer the emotional investment, the anticipation of "together" will increase your pain between now and April, and will also leave you MORE vulnerable to April becoming September, becoming April of the following year? So, if in fact that is the case, don't you think it may be a good idea to formulate a plan for yourself, your life, your goals NOW for April? Plan A if she does leave her H, Plan B if she doesn't?
BB07 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Because the majority of people in this forum have been like, "Run away, don't walk, and never talk to her again." And that's just not very helpful when there's absolutely no way I'm going to do that. Then you should have just came out and said that you are sticking it out irregardless of what anyone says. Personally I think you don't want to deal with any realism because you are afraid it might be true and it goes against what you WANT to believe, but it's your life and your decision. I will say this, it's not in your best interest to disregard advice from others who have been, there done that and refuse to see it from BOTH sides is walking on dangerous ground. People here aren't your enemies.
awkward Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Since you've already decided not to leave, waiting it out seems like your only other choice. April is not that far away and if you stick to your deadline, you will have a resolution one way or another pretty soon. She may decide to leave after you draw your line in the sand. As in, April is here, she hasn't left, you end the relationship, there is complete NC. Right now I get the feeling that you make her staying married a bit easier. She still has her marriage but she has you too. Does that make sense?
Woman In Blue Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Ok...so the rules are: no one can say "run like your ass is on fire!," no one can say anything negative, no one can tell you not to wait for your MW, and no one can dare say, "she won't leave!" Check. So in other words, you just want to hear what you want to hear. Alrighty, then. I predict your MW will leave in approximately 10 days. Her husband will fall off the face of the earth, never to be heard from again, so you won't have to deal with any backlash from him. Her kids will suddenly see you as Super Dad and eagerly welcome you into their lives, your fiancee will now be a widow so she can instantly get married again, and you two lovebirds will tie the knot within the next year - right after you win the lottery. Upon returning from your honeymoon cruising around the world, you'll all live happily together forever in your brand new castle on your very own island. No need to thank me, I was happy to do it.
MorningCoffee Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Ok...so the rules are: no one can say "run like your ass is on fire!," no one can say anything negative, no one can tell you not to wait for your MW, and no one can dare say, "she won't leave!" Check. So in other words, you just want to hear what you want to hear. Alrighty, then. I predict your MW will leave in approximately 10 days. Her husband will fall off the face of the earth, never to be heard from again, so you won't have to deal with any backlash from him. Her kids will suddenly see you as Super Dad and eagerly welcome you into their lives, your fiancee will now be a widow so she can instantly get married again, and you two lovebirds will tie the knot within the next year - right after you win the lottery. Upon returning from your honeymoon cruising around the world, you'll all live happily together forever in your brand new castle on your very own island. No need to thank me, I was happy to do it. :laugh::laugh::laugh:
Author justaname Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Ok...so the rules are: no one can say "run like your ass is on fire!," no one can say anything negative, no one can tell you not to wait for your MW, and no one can dare say, "she won't leave!" Check. So in other words, you just want to hear what you want to hear. Alrighty, then. I predict your MW will leave in approximately 10 days. Her husband will fall off the face of the earth, never to be heard from again, so you won't have to deal with any backlash from him. Her kids will suddenly see you as Super Dad and eagerly welcome you into their lives, your fiancee will now be a widow so she can instantly get married again, and you two lovebirds will tie the knot within the next year - right after you win the lottery. Upon returning from your honeymoon cruising around the world, you'll all live happily together forever in your brand new castle on your very own island. No need to thank me, I was happy to do it. Awesome. Thank you! No, I just didn't want to hear anyone say I was doomed. Maybe I am, but that's not the answer to the question I'm asking. The question I'm asking is, assuming there IS a chance, what is the best course of action for me to take or to try to convince her to take?
Author justaname Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Right now I get the feeling that you make her staying married a bit easier. She still has her marriage but she has you too. Does that make sense? Ouch. You might be right. That's a gamble and a half, but one I'll have to make.
pureinheart Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Because the majority of people in this forum have been like, "Run away, don't walk, and never talk to her again." And that's just not very helpful when there's absolutely no way I'm going to do that. I think your honesty is great, also it's unrealistic to think that people will really walk away. There are usually deep feelings involved and it's eaier said than done...BTDT. Unless one asks the other for NC (at this point I think this needs to be respected) then it is just too difficult. I would rather be advised at the point of which "I" am at, and not where another person is, I think this is where much communication is lost and misinterpreted. You are at a difficult point, my heart goes out to you. Please just know that my thoughts and prayers are with both of you...(((((hugs))))) I have nothing profound to advise or to say, just the above...
pureinheart Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Awesome. Thank you! No, I just didn't want to hear anyone say I was doomed. Maybe I am, but that's not the answer to the question I'm asking. The question I'm asking is, assuming there IS a chance, what is the best course of action for me to take or to try to convince her to take? Ok, this response gives me more of a "feel" of where you are coming from... What do YOU want, meaning do you want you and her to be together, get married?
SoMovinOn Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Just... I am in your shoes right now. I was in your shoes a very long time ago too. Maybe my experience can help you think this through. My first A with a married woman - she told me she would leave, she wanted to be with me. Eventually, I realized that wasn't going to happen and ended it. She is still married to him, 30 years later. Obviously, it wasn't as wrong as she said it was. About 20 years ago, I met my current wife. She was married, but talking about getting divorced. We ended up in an A. She got divorced. We got married. We had 15 good years together (we've been together 18 now)... and we're splitting up (primarily because she cheated on me). I am now involved in a A with a woman from my past, whom I love very much (and always have). She's married. She says she will leave him. Honestly... based on her actions over the past 10 months, I don't see it happening. If it does, I will be very surprised. Still, I left her once and regretted it for the past 30 years. She asked me recently to promise to never leave her again, and I did, because I know what my life was like without her, I know what it is like with her, and I never again want to know a life without her. .... so, I am left with having an A with her, maybe for a very long time. I don't like that, but I like the alternative even less. So... what will happen? Maybe she will leave him, maybe not. Maybe we'll have an A for a very long time and never get caught, maybe not. Maybe she will get caught and the outcome will be very, very bad, maybe not. I don't have a crystal ball, so I cannot know. She will make decisions. If he H finds out, he will make decisions. I am only one third of the equation so what I will do will always depends on what everyone else decides and does. I am sorry, but there is no easy answer for you. None of the answers are ideal. The way I deal with it is just to take it one day at a time and try to do the best for me and her each day. If she decides she wants to stay with him - I love her enough to walk away, as painful as that would be. Another important consideration, from my experience... It takes a degree of selfishness to be involved in an affair. It certainly speaks to the mindset of the people involved. Harsh, but true. Clearly, if someone is capable of being OK with that once, they are indicating the potential to think the same way again. Maybe it's "the right set of circumstances" that gets them there, but... they decide what those circumstances are. You have no way of knowing, or controlling, all those variables. It's something which will always be somewhere in the back of your mind. For me, that isn't a deal breaker, because you have no way of knowing if someone who has never cheated will do so for the first time. Everyone is capable. Many people do, some never do. I can't tell you how to decide. I can tell you if you continue with her, you may be in for a long, uncertain road. Ideally, both you and I would do well to step back and tell her to call when she is split/divorced. Much easier said than done. Good luck man.
pureinheart Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Ok, this response gives me more of a "feel" of where you are coming from... What do YOU want, meaning do you want you and her to be together, get married? To add, what is your desired outcome?
SoMovinOn Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 The question I'm asking is, assuming there IS a chance, what is the best course of action for me to take or to try to convince her to take? I can do a rare (for me) short answer to this one... For you... take it one day at a time, talk to her a LOT. Do what is best for her. Try to convince her...? Don't try to convince her of anything. She needs to work that out on her own.
jwi71 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 The question I'm asking is, assuming there IS a chance, what is the best course of action for me to take or to try to convince her to take? Given the narrow confines you place upon responses, the best choice for you would be to tell her H. This, I promise, will create change. Its the only action you have left open given your previous posts - and waiting ISN'T action, its INACTION.
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