I did the unthinkable

[ggd4u]

I met a guy 7 months ago. He lives in another state and told me he was separated, lived in an apartment and was going through a divorce. Then as things went on he said, separated and still living in the same house, but sleeping in separate rooms. But guess what… he couldn’t text or talk after a certain time of night because she might find out – so that blew that story out of the water too.

 

Over the 7 months, I heard lots of inconsistent concepts and poor me stories. I won’t bore anyone with the stereotypical cheating man characteristic and scenarios – it was text book. He wanted me to not date/be intimate with anyone, but him. The relationship was completely on his terms. Any mention of my feelings, concerns or needs – he would say I was pressuring him, arguing, being mean, antagonistic, etc. which justified him withdrawing and disappearing for weeks. I heard how I just didn’t understand how stressful his life was and I had no consideration for his situation. But any mention of how it was affecting me was viewed as bitching, whining and not considering him. When he was nice he was really nice – but when he was done being nice he was a jerk, but had a way of justifying it and making me feel like I did something to deserve it.

 

Anyway, he told me he was leaving and I heard this over and over. But he went to Florida with his family including the wife for Christmas and new years – stayed in an ocean front house. He text me the entire trip bitching about her, but never asked how or what I was doing for the holidays. He didn’t so much as send me a card. When I asked he said he would celebrate it with me when he was in town next. My birthday is in January we had a heavy discussion that turned into an argument the day before because he never told me he had decided not to come into town and celebrate with me as he had previously promised. I got pissed because as I was explaining my thoughts and feelings he got dismissive, argumentative and shut his phone off for the night. I text him a few choice words and let it go. I guess this was justification enough for him to not contact me on my birthday.

 

That was the final straw!!! The next day, I turned into the person he had been accused me of this entire time – a mean bitch. I started by texting him with some sarcastic mean comment mentioning stds, and let him chew on that for a few hours, while I remained silent and refused to clarify my meaning. He is a germaphobe so it really got him freaked out. Then, I provoked him further by texting ambiguous comments that didn’t address his concerns, which got him to spill his guts and admit that he was intentionally treating me like **** to hurt me – but of course it was justified in his mind.

 

That is when I decided to do the unthinkable, which I have to wonder why a person in his position wouldn’t be concerned with. I told him I was going to tell his wife. But I refused to tell him what I was going to tell her. I stopped calling his cell and called their house phone and let it ring until he answered – then hung-up. He begged me to stop via text. I asked him if he really didn’t think I knew where he lived or didn’t have the contact info. This game went on until the wife was on the phone asking me to tell her what was going on. I said, nothing just hung up – but my number isn’t blocked or restricted so she can contact me anytime.

 

He will tell her something I am sure, but he is a manipulative liar so it won’t be the truth. I will give him time to lie and formulate his story before I call her and tell her the truth. I never intended to tell her anything that night I just wanted to get the ball rolling, so to speak. I will let this bastard dig his own grave so I can eventually back him into it.

[BullsFan]

I don't really see the purpose of this story...My thing is, when u found out the nature of his relationship, u decided to continue...

 

Now all of a sudden u feel slighted by his lack of affection and attention so you want revenge...

If you are going to call his home then speak to the wife and let her know whats been going on, instead of hanging up, otherwise u look like an obsessed bunny boiler...His wife deserves to know what type of husband she has...

 

I would say take this as a learning lesson these men don't give a d amn about anyone but themselves...

Guard ur heart and demand more from ur S/O...And if he can't meet ur requirements then walk away...

[TaraMaiden]

ggd4u, it may look like a rational and justified course of action, but frankly, it's not funny, dignified or clever.

not one of your better moments, perhaps.

Either just drop it, walk away, disappear off the radar and let it go - or take concrete action as BullsFan suggests - but don't play mind-games.

That's just cruel, senseless and does nobody any favours.

Mind-games stink, because without realising it, the games we play phukk our minds up too.

 

Goodbye level-headed rationale, hello reckless self-inflicted insanity.

[Trimmer]

Out of curiosity, which decision that you made along your journey do you consider "the unthinkable" one?

 

Exactly at what point did you become angry with him, and exactly why?

[JaneyAmazed]

I think this is great warning for any married person considering an affair. As much as we'd like to think we can control everyone around us and their actions, we can't. An OW/OM could turn "bunny boiler" or just decide to tell your spouse because things aren't going his/her way, and it's totally out of your control.

[whichwayisup]

Why didn't you just walk away when you realized he was fully married? You continued to stay and chose to believe his lies. This isn't all his fault, you have to take responsibility for your part in this. You chose to play this game, and now you're being cruel. If you want to tell his wife, TELL HER but OWN your part in this and tell her the truth. Don't play stupid games, and mess with her. Yes you're angry at him, rightfully so, but be ANGRY at yourself too!

 

Do you actually care about his wife's feelings? or are you hellbent on screwing HIM over and forgetting the fact that you can walk away and forget all about him, and be happy again? Is it worth it? The drama and game playing?

[ggd4u]

Thank you all for your post. I truly appreciate your input. It has given me great pause to think.

 

As I stated, he presented his situation in the beginning as being legally separated and living apart – I didn’t have any reason not to believe him. As time went along, however, I started to hear some inconsistencies in his story, but when I addressed them his responses were a confusing blend of evasive, remorseful, agreeable and impudent statements, which generally ended in him insisting I was abusing him. I found this crazy making and hard to emotionally navigate. Genuinely, feeling bad about upsetting him I would apologize and drop the subject, which left me in a constant state of uncertainty. As I would come to realize, this behavior has a name, it’s called “gas lighting.” It’s a manipulation tactic used to confuse and control a person.

 

There were plenty of other events, behaviors, circumstances and situations that occurred that keep me in a continuous state of bewilderment and self-doubt. As I would learn, he is a master manipulator and emotional terrorist. I am not a psychologist, but from what I have researched his behavior and belief system closely resembles that of a passive-aggressive personality. Whether he does this intentionally or unconsciously it is self-serving and destructive to all involved.

 

So to address the posts:

 

Purpose of this story? There are many reasons I chose to share this – main one being acknowledgment of the situation. I blew a gasket and felt I needed to own it. Plus, I am sure there are others that have gone through similar situations – and any insight is welcome.

 

Was it vengeful – absolutely! Was it about lack of affection or attention? Nope, it was my outrage at being mindphukked for 7 months.

 

I agree his wife does deserve to know. But as I was I’m sure she is kept in a state of continuous emotion uncertainty. So I see a no-win. She will need to “want” to know that info.

 

“It may look like a rational and justified course of action, but frankly, it's not funny, dignified or clever. not one of your better moments, perhaps.” I agree totally not rational or justified, but human and one of my worst moments ever. And I also agree, not funny, dignified or clever on my part at all – I am as angry with myself for allowing myself to be fooled, controlled and manipulated as I am at him for doing it.

 

That's just cruel, senseless and does nobody any favours… The action I took were a means of self-preservation. I needed to put an end to my self-doubt and emotional uncertainty to move on. I have never been in this situation before and now, I have learned that lesson and look forward to never repeating it.

 

Out of curiosity, which decision that you made along your journey do you consider "the unthinkable" one? Good question, the unthinkable for me was confronting my own shame. I believe part of his ability to manipulate me was based on my feelings of guilt and shame. I realized I was “the other woman” and felt scared to admit it. I didn’t want to admit to myself or anyone else that I was being used, mistreated and abused – or had participated in anything that was hurting another person (wife and children). Instead of internalizing it and letting it fester into a self-destructive negative self-image I was true to my feelings and self.

 

Exactly at what point did you become angry with him, and exactly why?

The minute he admitted to hurting me intentionally. As he started to justify his not considering me or my feelings as my own fault – I believe he said what did you expect?? I was being punished for questioning him about his marital status. For not wanting to be involved with a married man, if that was in fact what he was. That and when he finally state something similar about his wife – he said, what did she expect, of course, he cheats on her because she is a C**T and he has needs. That is when the truth smacked me in the face.

 

An OW/OM could turn "bunny boiler" or just decide to tell your spouse because things aren't going his/her way, and it's totally out of your control. I agree, with this statement, however the cheater does have control – control of them self, their actions and behaviors. Our society so readily blames “the other person” but it is the cheater that is the axis this terribly hurtful situation rotates on. He is the center point to all the hurt and pain. He is hurting his wife, children, family, other woman and self.

It is indeed, a great warning for any married person considering an affair, but what I would caution is cause and effect. If you hurt others they will be hurt and that comes with consequences.

 

To address the term “bunny boiler” – that is not the case here. I’m not Glenn Close in fatal attraction. I found myself in a crazy making hurtful no-win situation and reacted – I have not been in contact since. I will tell his wife what had transpired from my viewpoint when I have worked through my emotions. I am pissed, hurt and grieving. What I wanted most was the truth and for him to provide it. By putting him in the same situation he had keep me – uncertain and out of control he was forced to admit to me and her - his part in all this. Otherwise I felt the manipulation and lies would continue and I would be pulled back into this dysfunction. Does it make what I did right??? – All I see is a no-win situation and with that all there is is wrong.

[Spark1111]

Thank you all for your post. I truly appreciate your input. It has given me great pause to think.

 

As I stated, he presented his situation in the beginning as being legally separated and living apart – I didn’t have any reason not to believe him. As time went along, however, I started to hear some inconsistencies in his story, but when I addressed them his responses were a confusing blend of evasive, remorseful, agreeable and impudent statements, which generally ended in him insisting I was abusing him. I found this crazy making and hard to emotionally navigate. Genuinely, feeling bad about upsetting him I would apologize and drop the subject, which left me in a constant state of uncertainty. As I would come to realize, this behavior has a name, it’s called “gas lighting.” It’s a manipulation tactic used to confuse and control a person.

 

There were plenty of other events, behaviors, circumstances and situations that occurred that keep me in a continuous state of bewilderment and self-doubt. As I would learn, he is a master manipulator and emotional terrorist. I am not a psychologist, but from what I have researched his behavior and belief system closely resembles that of a passive-aggressive personality. Whether he does this intentionally or unconsciously it is self-serving and destructive to all involved.

 

So to address the posts:

 

Purpose of this story? There are many reasons I chose to share this – main one being acknowledgment of the situation. I blew a gasket and felt I needed to own it. Plus, I am sure there are others that have gone through similar situations – and any insight is welcome.

 

Was it vengeful – absolutely! Was it about lack of affection or attention? Nope, it was my outrage at being mindphukked for 7 months.

 

I agree his wife does deserve to know. But as I was I’m sure she is kept in a state of continuous emotion uncertainty. So I see a no-win. She will need to “want” to know that info.

 

“It may look like a rational and justified course of action, but frankly, it's not funny, dignified or clever. not one of your better moments, perhaps.” I agree totally not rational or justified, but human and one of my worst moments ever. And I also agree, not funny, dignified or clever on my part at all – I am as angry with myself for allowing myself to be fooled, controlled and manipulated as I am at him for doing it.

 

That's just cruel, senseless and does nobody any favours… The action I took were a means of self-preservation. I needed to put an end to my self-doubt and emotional uncertainty to move on. I have never been in this situation before and now, I have learned that lesson and look forward to never repeating it.

 

Out of curiosity, which decision that you made along your journey do you consider "the unthinkable" one? Good question, the unthinkable for me was confronting my own shame. I believe part of his ability to manipulate me was based on my feelings of guilt and shame. I realized I was “the other woman” and felt scared to admit it. I didn’t want to admit to myself or anyone else that I was being used, mistreated and abused – or had participated in anything that was hurting another person (wife and children). Instead of internalizing it and letting it fester into a self-destructive negative self-image I was true to my feelings and self.

 

Exactly at what point did you become angry with him, and exactly why?

The minute he admitted to hurting me intentionally. As he started to justify his not considering me or my feelings as my own fault – I believe he said what did you expect?? I was being punished for questioning him about his marital status. For not wanting to be involved with a married man, if that was in fact what he was. That and when he finally state something similar about his wife – he said, what did she expect, of course, he cheats on her because she is a C**T and he has needs. That is when the truth smacked me in the face.

 

An OW/OM could turn "bunny boiler" or just decide to tell your spouse because things aren't going his/her way, and it's totally out of your control. I agree, with this statement, however the cheater does have control – control of them self, their actions and behaviors. Our society so readily blames “the other person” but it is the cheater that is the axis this terribly hurtful situation rotates on. He is the center point to all the hurt and pain. He is hurting his wife, children, family, other woman and self.

It is indeed, a great warning for any married person considering an affair, but what I would caution is cause and effect. If you hurt others they will be hurt and that comes with consequences.

 

To address the term “bunny boiler” – that is not the case here. I’m not Glenn Close in fatal attraction. I found myself in a crazy making hurtful no-win situation and reacted – I have not been in contact since. I will tell his wife what had transpired from my viewpoint when I have worked through my emotions. I am pissed, hurt and grieving. What I wanted most was the truth and for him to provide it. By putting him in the same situation he had keep me – uncertain and out of control he was forced to admit to me and her - his part in all this. Otherwise I felt the manipulation and lies would continue and I would be pulled back into this dysfunction. Does it make what I did right??? – All I see is a no-win situation and with that all there is is wrong.

 

Ok, welcome to the crazy making world of a BS on the discovery of an OW or OM.

 

You were lied to, deceived, gaslighted, manipulated and controlled.

 

Yes, he is passive-aggressive, conflict-avoiding, gaslighting creep.

 

But what do you truly want to accomplish here?

 

If your intention is to inform his BW, who may or not believe you depending on the evidence you can provide, (which I wholeheartedly support the telling of truth, under ANY circumstances) what is your goal?

 

To tell her the truth? That is honorable, though it may change nothing, so do NOT attache yourself to the results.

 

But do not go about it in the same passive-aggressive fashion he exhibited. Stop the threats, the hang-ups, the manipulative tactics to scare the bejeezus out of him.

 

Why? Then you are no better than he is. Your motivation is to hurt him as he has hurt you (understandable in the human degree), but at the end of the day, you lose credibility, integrity, and simple human decency.

 

Truly want to inform her? Tell her in a kind, compassionate, forthright manner, like an adult.

 

Right now? you are stooping to his level of behavior.

[Woman In Blue]

In my opinion, the lying sack of sh*it lied right out the gate - therefore, the gloves would be OFF if it were me. I'll never understand HOW some women can carry on with someone after they find out they'd been tricked and the guy is actually married. How could ANYONE continue to carry on with someone whose been willfully and maliciously LYING to them from the start? Talk about being disrespected. Jesus.

 

I'd tear his face off and use it for a doilie if some loser dared to pull that crap on me.

 

Go right ahead and tell his wife EVERYTHING ggd. I sincerely hope you DO - and I hope you don't have a change of heart once you're not so angry. He's a piece of trash and deserves everything that's coming to him.

[ggd4u]

It's been over a week since the incident and I have not been in contact since. He has actually tried to contact me, but I have not answered his calls. Don’t plan to either!

I feel deeply for his wife. I know she must be going through the same feelings I was, but worse because she has been there for years and has more of an investment with the children being involved. She is also a stay at home mom so she is dependent on him financially as well. These factors are going to weigh heavy on her willingness to “except” the situation as it is.

In my opinion, she deserves to be given the information – what she does with it is ultimately her decision.

[ggd4u]

what is a "BS" what does that stand for, please?

[anne1707]

BS stands for Betrayed Spouse

 

You might find this page useful:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/faq.php?faq=messages#faq_acronyms

[ggd4u]

that was helpful!

[Quiet Storm]

When you caught him in lies that he refused to explain to your satisfation, you should have ended the relationship.

 

When a man gets caught in a lie, and the woman lets it drop, it greatly diminishes her value (in his mind). At that moment, he realizes that your desire to be with him, is greater than your desire for truth and honesty.

 

If he did have respect for you to begin with, continuing the relationship without making your needs a priority causes a man to lose respect.

 

You have to love yourself first. And when you love yourself you do not allow someone to continue to ignore your needs.

 

In the future, when things don't make sense, leave. Remove yourself from the equation.

 

Staying with a man that acts this way is seen by him as acceptance. That's where the "what did you expect?" comments stem from. He showed you he was selfish. He showed you that he was a liar. So seriously, what did you expect? Him to morph into a caring, selfless man of integrity? Never think you can change a man.

 

Next time when a man shows you who he is, believe him. Pay attention to actions, not words.

[jenifer1972]

Yet another example of why a woman should never fully abandon her career and be dependant on someone else..

[ggd4u]

I appreciate your input! I have certainly learned a huge lesson!!!

[jj33]

I appreciate your input! I have certainly learned a huge lesson!!!

 

Thats good. And if it makes you feel any better I just read something about a prosecutor who went to her lovers home, got into a cat fight with his W and supposedly bit her!

 

Now that is unthinkable:eek:

[What_Next]

ggd4u while I suppose I can understand your desire to tell his wife, I hope you have had some time to re-think things. First, once you discovered he was lieing you had the chance to walk away. You did not. Therefore do not believe you are in the moral clear here so to speak.

 

You know what you really want to do, walk away, wash your hands of this mess and chalk it up to a life lesson.

 

As a complete aside you mentioned his wife and children, how do you think this will all effect his kids? That is the one thing that sticks in my craw with my wife and her AP (he was but a kid really) in that they seem to have ignored what they were doing in terms of it's eventual impact on our child. Well it has devastated her! Pure and simple.

 

Make no mistake, a man with this personality will do this again and sooner or later he'll get what is coming to him. Just walk away from this.