I love my GF with all my heart, but am I sexually attracted to her?

February 6, 2011

Hi, I don't know to be honest if this is really a problem yet but...Me and my GF have been dating for two years. We started out as friends, and I didn't like her at all, she grew on me, and I started liking her, and eventually falling deeply in love with her. She is everything I could want except for the fact that I don't think she is that attractive. She is not ugly in any sense, I just see so many many other girls my age, or people that I could be with and I don't know. We used to have sex all the time, and we still pretty much do, but the last time we had sex and I was looking at her body...I dont know if I can stay with her for my whole life. We always say "forever and always" i love you all the time, etc, etc. What will she look like when she is older is he isn't that great in my mind right now, or when she is pregnant, etc, etc. She is my best friend and I love her so so so much. I don't think she could handle a break up let alone how much she needs me with her family annoying her and causing her life to be more difficult all the time. She might be going away for school and I have no problem with that and that has nothing to do with breaking up etc, but I just don't know if I can stay with her the rest of my life, what am I going to do sexually? I can't leave her, and what if I do, she is my everything, and she knows everything about me and I truly do love her, should I just tough it out or what? I have no idea, I don't want her to get hurt, I really think she wont be able to handle this.

February 6, 2011

Well sorry to bust your bubble bub... but you are probably not a Greek God yourself. Yes she's not perfect but neither are you. And no I don't have to see a picture of you OR her to determine this... she's gonna get saggy tits one day, and pregnancy is gonna leave stretch marks. She's gonna get wrinkles and stuff no matter how much she works out.

AND SO ARE YOU... your nuts are gonna hang funny, you're gonna get grey hair, your ass is gonna stink your feet probably already do, you're gonna grow long gnarly hairs in your ears and back... and on your toes and hands too.

I have to wonder who much you really love her if you are looking at her body like that and thinking how not attractive she is as you're ****ing her. I loved my stbxH even though he wasn't that attractive... it's the LOVE I had for him that made him handsome to me... even during the bad times.

February 6, 2011

A relationship without sexual attraction is a friendship. For a romantic relationship you need to be aroused by a sexually satisfied with your partner. Sounds like this isn't the case here. You need to be honest and leave, otherwise you'll either cheat at a later date and break her heart, or will spend the rest of your life as a sexually frustrated individual. Leave and let her find someone who *does* find her sexy and attractive.

February 6, 2011

I have to agree with Joe Normal. What you have is a friendship, and you're not sexually attracted to this woman. You'll always feel unfulfilled and possibly resentful if you stay with her and miss your opportunity to be with a woman who you are attracted to. She deserves someone who is attracted to her, and you deserve someone you're attracted to. The best thing you can do is break it off and allow both of you the opportunity to move on.

February 7, 2011

Agree with LoveLace.

And Billy, you seem like you need to go through some personal growth that can only happen after you break up with your girlfriend. I used to think like that when I was younger (without giving too many details, I thought I could do better) and it was not until I got out there and saw just how much incompatible I was with the hotter girls that I realized what I really wanted.

February 8, 2011

you may love her, but without attraction it wont work. just like communication. you need that to have a long commited relationship with someone. You cant go your entire life looking at her and only feeling love because she knows everything about you! and you cant stay with her just because her life isnt that great without you, that is stopping you from enjoying your life. and i know most women say that is a shallow reason to break up with someone, i myself am a woman. but it is better to do it then live your whole life with her thinking you think she is beautiful and here you are talking about how you dont think so. and maybe there is a way around it without breaking up with her. if you truly love her then pull her aside and say to her (really nicely cuz us women are very sensitive about how our men view us.) but let her know your problem, and maybe you both can come to some sort of solution. maybe she will even have something to say about you and something you both can work on together and make your relationship stronger. what is it exactly that you no longer find attractive? her weight? and you cant really think about her pregnant. cuz any woman your with is going to gain weight when she is pregnant. hope this helps.

February 10, 2011

ok lovelace, first of all i am turning 20, and i do love this woman a lot, which is why i am so concerned and giving it so much thought. You cant say that leaving her is best, but i will regret it, it just doesn't make sense. You don't know me, calling me shallow for thinking of these things is just plain outrageous. The man you talk about makes the best of what he has...well what if I found love at a very young age, and I don't want to make the best of what I have for the rest of my life, I am in university, just starting out, these are times I could be having fun, but I already have so much fun with my current GF and she is so funny, and perfect for me, and she loves me unconditionally. I was simply asking: is not being physically attracted to your GF manageable, can I live the rest of my life, or have people done it without really wanting to have sex with their partner...

I feel like everyone has posted, if i break it off i wont find anyone like that again, but I don't think that I can continue loving her if when we both take off our clothes...and i don't want to make love.

All of my friends when we first started dating could'nt understand why I was dating her because she is really not my type, I date really good looking girls, and she is the athletic, down to earth, tom boy kind of girl.

They always ask me if we are still together and stuff like that, my friends that are girls always say that I am way better looking then her, but I am in love with her, and can I stay with her without sex? it will be along time considering Im not even 20

February 10, 2011

and duckduckgoose, first of all just because you LOVE someone doesn't mean that you can find them physically attractive, so what your telling me is when your having sex, his personality makes him hot, makes him have nice shoulders, and rippled abs. No, thats not how it works, you LOVE his personality not his physical appearance, your LOVE for him makes you stay with him, and make the best of what you have. Secondly, your telling me when you have sex with your husband you don't look at him, you aren't turned on by his appearance? You don't just look away...you look at the person you are making love to and I am realizing that I am really not that attracted to her, I have been putting it off for a while, but now it is starting to hit hard.

Don't sit there and tell me his personality makes him a good looking lover, or that you have never judged your husband when having sex.

Also, i understand everyone is going to get old, but I am not even close, and I would like her to be able to live life and find someone who will find her attractive for the rest of her life, if I cant do so myself

February 10, 2011

It sounds like you are staying with her more for pity then love. It's true that looks change, but if you aren't attracted to her now, her getting older probably won't change that fact.

I think you need to break up with her, she deserves better then that. Yes, it will hurt her, but at least she won't be wasting her time with you and can find someone who loves all of her.

February 10, 2011

ok lovelace, first of all i am turning 20, and i do love this woman a lot, which is why i am so concerned and giving it so much thought. You cant say that leaving her is best, but i will regret it, it just doesn't make sense. You don't know me, calling me shallow for thinking of these things is just plain outrageous. The man you talk about makes the best of what he has...well what if I found love at a very young age, and I don't want to make the best of what I have for the rest of my life, I am in university, just starting out, these are times I could be having fun, but I already have so much fun with my current GF and she is so funny, and perfect for me, and she loves me unconditionally. I was simply asking: is not being physically attracted to your GF manageable, can I live the rest of my life, or have people done it without really wanting to have sex with their partner...
I feel like everyone has posted, if i break it off i wont find anyone like that again, but I don't think that I can continue loving her if when we both take off our clothes...and i don't want to make love.
All of my friends when we first started dating could'nt understand why I was dating her because she is really not my type, I date really good looking girls, and she is the athletic, down to earth, tom boy kind of girl.
They always ask me if we are still together and stuff like that, my friends that are girls always say that I am way better looking then her, but I am in love with her, and can I stay with her without sex? it will be along time considering Im not even 20

Thinking the way you do does make you shallow. Especially if you worry about what others think.

February 10, 2011

and duckduckgoose, first of all just because you LOVE someone doesn't mean that you can find them physically attractive, so what your telling me is when your having sex, his personality makes him hot, makes him have nice shoulders, and rippled abs. No, thats not how it works, you LOVE his personality not his physical appearance, your LOVE for him makes you stay with him, and make the best of what you have. Secondly, your telling me when you have sex with your husband you don't look at him, you aren't turned on by his appearance? You don't just look away...you look at the person you are making love to and I am realizing that I am really not that attracted to her, I have been putting it off for a while, but now it is starting to hit hard.
Don't sit there and tell me his personality makes him a good looking lover, or that you have never judged your husband when having sex.
Also, i understand everyone is going to get old, but I am not even close, and I would like her to be able to live life and find someone who will find her attractive for the rest of her life, if I cant do so myself

Why are you so defensive? We aren't telling you what you want to here (i.e. "Your relationship can work, despite you not wanting being attracted to your gf") so you are freaking out. AND you are turning it around on us, like we are the bad guys here. Why did you ask for advice OP?

If your love your gf but are not attacted to her, then that's a friendship, not a romantic relationship. You are young, I'm pretty sure you will fall in love with someone you are attracted to. You make it sound like if you break up with your gf, then it is the end for you relationship wise.

February 11, 2011

If you really love someone romantically, it doesn't matter how they look, they still turn you on. If it matters, it ain't someone you should stay with.

February 12, 2011

The problem is, she is not going to want that...at all! I feel like I will be devastating her if I leave her, like the other day she was crying and crying and crying because of a family issue and I was the only person she could come to, not any member of her family would help. She will try to do anything to stay with me, and I know she will take it so hard considering I don't even think she thinks anything is wrong with our relationship right now. Even if i tell her very nicely that I am not quite as attracted to her as when our relationship started or a something nicer like that I don't even know how she will take it or react. I feel like if I break up with her not only will she be mad at me but I will loose by best friend.

February 12, 2011

Agree with LoveLace.

And Billy, you seem like you need to go through some personal growth that can only happen after you break up with your girlfriend. I used to think like that when I was younger (without giving too many details, I thought I could do better) and it was not until I got out there and saw just how much incompatible I was with the hotter girls that I realized what I really wanted.

Agreed, completely. IME the most superficial guys tend to be the ones with the least maturity and relationship experience. Most guys start off simply wanting the 'hottest girl' in their teens, but fortunately many grow up through experience to realize that that isn't solely what matters.

February 12, 2011

and duckduckgoose, first of all just because you LOVE someone doesn't mean that you can find them physically attractive, so what your telling me is when your having sex, his personality makes him hot, makes him have nice shoulders, and rippled abs. No, thats not how it works, you LOVE his personality not his physical appearance, your LOVE for him makes you stay with him, and make the best of what you have. Secondly, your telling me when you have sex with your husband you don't look at him, you aren't turned on by his appearance? You don't just look away...you look at the person you are making love to and I am realizing that I am really not that attracted to her, I have been putting it off for a while, but now it is starting to hit hard.
Don't sit there and tell me his personality makes him a good looking lover, or that you have never judged your husband when having sex.
Also, i understand everyone is going to get old, but I am not even close, and I would like her to be able to live life and find someone who will find her attractive for the rest of her life, if I cant do so myself

I did judge him while having sex sometimes. Then I realized he was probably doing the same thing and let it slide

Since you are obviously defensive just leave her. And please don't take it out on me, I didn't make you date her:cool:

February 13, 2011

Sorry duckduck goose, I know you didnt make me date her. I started out not thinking I would date her ever, I didnt like her and didnt want to date her, I dont get how it got to this point, and now I have the same physical feelings for her now like before when I said i would never date her. and ok, thank you lovelace, you have really helped with your in depth comments. I think I will wait until she isn's so hurt all of the time. But how do I tell her that I am not ready to settle down when we used to say forever and always ALL of the time, I stopped saying it for the past week because I feel I would be lying if i keep saying it. The last time we hung out I felt like I didnt want to kiss her or make love to her, but I wanted to cuddle? I dont understand how that can work. I had sex with her the last time we hung out just to see if I was really that not attracted to her...I was...I didnt want to make love to her, I merely thought of having sex and the feeling of it, not her, not what she looked like, the pleasure was what made me want to. I am a horrible person. How can I do this to her.

February 13, 2011

I think I will wait until she isn's so hurt all of the time. But how do I tell her that I am not ready to settle down when we used to say forever and always ALL of the time, I stopped saying it for the past week because I feel I would be lying if i keep saying it. The last time we hung out I felt like I didnt want to kiss her or make love to her, but I wanted to cuddle? I dont understand how that can work. I had sex with her the last time we hung out just to see if I was really that not attracted to her...I was...I didnt want to make love to her, I merely thought of having sex and the feeling of it, not her, not what she looked like, the pleasure was what made me want to. I am a horrible person. How can I do this to her.

Feelings change. Lovelace is right that breaking up is never easy for either person involved. You have stopped saying the "forever and always" line, if you continue to do so she will eventually realize something is up. There is never a perfect time to break up with someone, there is always an excuse why it can't happen "right now." Yes, this will hurt her (and you two) but she needs to be available to meet someone who can love her the right way. You are acting quite selfishly (ironically, you seem to think you are being selfless though) staying with her.

I agree with not telling her you aren't physically attracted to her, I would just say you aren't ready for a committed relationship. It will hurt, but in the long term it will be much better for both of you.

February 13, 2011

Thinking the way you do does make you shallow. Especially if you worry about what others think.

This is silly. If looks didn't matter, and personality was what counted, we'd all be bisexual and have sex with our best friends. 20 year olds would date 70 year olds just as often as people their own age. We don't, therefore looks and sex appeal are clearly essential for romantic relationships.

If a man isn't sexually attracted to a woman, he won't even get an erection, so he won't be able to have sex with her. Perhaps you could explain how a sexless relationship is going to work? Lol.

If this guy doesn't fancy her at age 20, imagine how bad it will be at 30, 40, 50, 60. Anyone suggesting they should stay together is just giving terrible advice that will end in adultery, divorce, ruined family, financial devastation, wasting the time of family courts, a net drain on society, kids from a broken home. How about showing some responsibility here?

The guy should leave and move on, and only date his 'type' in future.

Edited February 13, 2011 by Joe Normal

February 13, 2011

Just say you've been thinking it over and you are not ready to say forever with anyone yet. Say you want to be there for her and remain close. I just don't think it's a good idea to say you are not attracted to her. Say you just want to be on your own for awhile. Gosh it's really up to you actually; but I know I would hate to hear a guy say he's leaving me because of how I look...

I have a better idea - how about he tells the truth? I don't think lying to someone is a good idea, it will give her false hope, or make her baffled as to why he would want to leave. Show the lady some respect and be honest. You can still be tactful - say something like "I just don't feel enough passion between us, and I feel I need that in a relationship." That's truthful and also tactful.

February 13, 2011

If you really love someone romantically, it doesn't matter how they look, they still turn you on.

That's a tautology.

Also, it means it works in reverse - if someone doesn't turn you on, then clearly you don't really love them romantically. Which is exactly the case with the thread starter.

February 13, 2011

Agreed, completely. IME the most superficial guys tend to be the ones with the least maturity and relationship experience. Most guys start off simply wanting the 'hottest girl' in their teens, but fortunately many grow up through experience to realize that that isn't solely what matters.

Part of maturing also involves learning that while attraction isn't all that matters, neither is personality compatibility. You need both.

February 13, 2011

Why are you so defensive?

Because people are calling him shallow due to him not feeling any physical chemistry with his girlfriend. With such a ludicrous set of rude, accusatory, and flat out incorrect responses to a perfectly reasonable first post, no wonder he is defensive.

February 13, 2011

I just went through the entire thread, I have just one question for the OP :

Not being rude or offensive, but if you are not sexually attracted to her, how do you manage to "keep having sex"?

February 13, 2011

Because people are calling him shallow due to him not feeling any physical chemistry with his girlfriend. With such a ludicrous set of rude, accusatory, and flat out incorrect responses to a perfectly reasonable first post, no wonder he is defensive.

No, he said he is in love with her but not attracted to her, and he asked if the relationship could work. Not everyone on this thread called him shallow, I certainly didn't. Most of us stated the the relationship could not work because of this, and got upset.

February 14, 2011

Thank you Joe Normal for understand why I got a little defensive. But I realize now I shouldn't be taking it out on other people on this thread that are trying to help me, I did ask for their advice. Thank you to everyone. I can't beleive how much all of the different perspectives and takes are really helping me put together what I truly want. Which is to break up with her, and stay best friends. Today when I drove her home, I said "you do know you are my best friend right?" and she gave me a weird look and said, yes and you are mine. I want to talk to her for a while, and say almost exactly what Joe Normal said, i was thinking earlier about saying I think that as our relationship progressed I realized that we never, or I never got past the part that we were best friends. That I love you so much, as a friend, and my best one at that. I just think that to continue this relationship when I love you like a friend and you u conditionally love me like a BF isnt fair to you. You dont deserve that, you deserve better, and someone who can love you unconditionally like a GF. I am just asking you, or begging you, I want to you to find someone who loves all of you, and with that I will be loosing a GF, but please, don't make me loose my best friend too. You can hate me, but know I will always love you, and I know people always say we will still be friends though. But I mean it, I want you to come over, I want to stay friends. I don't want you to leave me in my life, I know how much you need, me and I just want you to know I need you too, as a friend.

I hope that will work, I want to talk to my best friend (boy) about it tomorrow, but I am thinking the sooner the better, I dont want to hurt her anymore.

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I love my GF with all my heart, but am I sexually attracted to her?

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