pandagirl Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Just got back from my first date since my breakup five months ago. All in all, a good date. I don't think I'm going to marry this guy, but that isn't the point. We made out a little, and it was fine. But after all was said and done, I just felt completely empty. So empty that I came home and cried a little, and just thought about my ex and how I missed him. Does this mean I shouldn't be dating? But at the same time, I feel like if I don't start dating, I will never move on.
daphne Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Good question. I would normally say you're not ready to date. However, at 5 months, it sounds like you could use some fun. Give it a little time and see if you acclimate to it and are able to move past the feelings. It maybe anxiety of moving forward. But you'll have to move forward some time.
Author pandagirl Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Good question. I would normally say you're not ready to date. However, at 5 months, it sounds like you could use some fun. Give it a little time and see if you acclimate to it and are able to move past the feelings. It maybe anxiety of moving forward. But you'll have to move forward some time. Yes, I feel like I've given myself adequate time to heal. It's just... I was so in love with my ex from the very start (or felt that way), that it's hard to let go of that feeling. The way I felt around him, I've never felt with anyone else, and it was the same for him. I know this doesn't mean I wont fall in love again, because I eventually will, but in the meantime all of these dates feel empty and just like I'm going through the motions.
welikeincrowds Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I think you should take it to mean that you are not ready. After the date, if you were thinking about anyone at all, it should have been your date. That you were thinking about someone else completely unrelated is indicative of your unavailability. There's no rush, you know. I disagree that you should force yourself to date in an effort to heal for a number of reasons. One is that there's no guarantee that it will help you; it just might confuse you more. Another is that it doesn't make sense to use others to address personal issues. (I don't mean to imply that other posters here who disagree with me are users.)
january2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I agree with welikeincrowds. If you're thinking about your ex and not your date, then you're not ready to date yet. At most, you might give your ex a moment's thought but it should be easy to let go of that thought and it doesn't make you feel empty and upset. In my experience, when I'm really having fun, living in the moment and focusing on the people in front of me or the people I've just spent some time with, I don't think about people who aren't there, such as exes. Nor do the exes come into my thoughts as reference points that lead to negative emotions.
Author pandagirl Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 I think you should take it to mean that you are not ready. After the date, if you were thinking about anyone at all, it should have been your date. That you were thinking about someone else completely unrelated is indicative of your unavailability. There's no rush, you know. I disagree that you should force yourself to date in an effort to heal for a number of reasons. One is that there's no guarantee that it will help you; it just might confuse you more. Another is that it doesn't make sense to use others to address personal issues. (I don't mean to imply that other posters here who disagree with me are users.) But the thing is, I really do WANT to move on. I'm sick of feeling like this. I don't even want him back. Don't I have to be proactive to move on? Also, it's been over five months. I've given myself a good chunk of time to be alone and heal.
TryingToMoveOn Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 After the date, if you were thinking about anyone at all, it should have been your date. That you were thinking about someone else completely unrelated is indicative of your unavailability. +1, I completely agree But the thing is, I really do WANT to move on. I'm sick of feeling like this. I don't even want him back. Don't I have to be proactive to move on? Also, it's been over five months. I've given myself a good chunk of time to be alone and heal. You still miss him, and I know you want to move on, but it doesn't change anything -- you still miss him! My suggestion: take some more time to heal and focus on yourself and pursue your own interests before you re-enter the dating scene. What has worked for me -- once I'm able to convince myself: "This is who I am, this is why I'm awesome, I'm happy with my life right now" -- that's when I'm able to go back to re-enter the dating scene. I might still have linger feelings but I'll feel at ease with myself and where my life is headed, with or without a partner.
paddington bear Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 When I've been with someone and then it breaks up, that last person was so familiar that being with someone new feels odd somehow - like putting on a new pair of shoes that chafe a little bit at first. I think what happened is this. That it is not necessarily that you aren't over your ex, but that you went on a date with someone who didn't knock your socks off and with whom there was no sparks when you kissed, which does (whether one is still pining over an ex or not) is a depressing experience. I think even if your ex was not in your head at all, you still would have felt nothing with this guy. There was just no spark there. Wanting to move on, wanting to meet someone right and then it doesn't happen makes you think that dating, the date, all of it is so pointless and of course your mind will zoom back to the last person where there was immediate sparks and when you did feel something. I've felt exactly what you did, have come home and cried - all of that - but without the thinking back on the ex part. I think for me anyway, part of it is impatience and dashed hopes. Think positively - you could be me, having had someone that there was a spark with, but that not going anywhere because it was a one-sided spark. That is worse, believe you me. I say, keep dating because I think had there been some instant attraction there, you would not be worried about not being over your ex. I don't think not being over your ex is preventing you becoming attracted and feeling something.
dressing up Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 PG, I'm sorry you felt this way after the date. I can relate because it's happened to me before. When that happened, I took it to mean I wasn't ready to date again, no matter how long it had been since my breakup. I laid off the dating scene because it felt better not dating than dating after a breakup when I wasn't ready. Dating when I wasn't ready was only a prelude to reminding me of how I missed my ex-boyfriends and how my dates paled in comparison to them. So until you're ready, I would suggest to just go about your social life with girl friends. Keep yourself busy and date when you find someone that you know you want to spend time with. That's when you know you're ready. Hope you feel better.
daphne Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Yes, I feel like I've given myself adequate time to heal. It's just... I was so in love with my ex from the very start (or felt that way), that it's hard to let go of that feeling. The way I felt around him, I've never felt with anyone else, and it was the same for him. I know this doesn't mean I wont fall in love again, because I eventually will, but in the meantime all of these dates feel empty and just like I'm going through the motions. I think you are feeling that if you move on, you're scared you'll never feel that way with anyone else again. If I could go back in time, I would stop feeling that the one person that is gone and didn't want to make things work was that big of a deal and worth all of the sadness. The bigger deal is yet to come and we'll be able to work out anything.
SunsetRed Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 PG, I feel the same way. My break up is 5 months old as well and when I go out on dates, I come home feeling depressed because I realize that my ex is gone and all I have is "whats out there." I'm not going to give up though. The biggest mistake I've made in previous break ups is that I spent years mourning someone whom I later realized was so unworthy of me. Unforunately I wasted a lot of years being depressed before I realized how unworthy my ex was. I'm 42 now and can't afford to waste time. I've got to live my life. When I go out on a date, I tell myself that all I have to do is have dinner or whatever with that person. I'm not required to get physical or emotional with anyone. Telling myself that helps me take that baby step forward to get out and live my life. You and I seem to be vulnerable, yet fiesty women who are determined to get our lives together so things will soon come together for us soon.
Jonno_S Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 So I went out on a date with this girl, she was okay, but no sparks. I tried to kiss her but she was just miles away. WTF? Okay, joking, but you see my point. Maybe it's not time for you to start seeing someone because you can't yet be your loving self with others. And sometimes it takes the right person to divert you from where your heart was 5 months ago. Sometimes people feel that way because of a sense that we are betraying them and/or our commitment that we made to them deep in our heart. That may be what you are going against. Some people go out immediately with the first person who pops up - and sometimes does something out of character to be sort of vengeful, like sleeping with someone. I tend to take a long, long time to get a person out of my system.
Jannah Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Yes, it's normal. You're still mourning the loss of someone you cared very deeply for. It's hard... But better to be aware of those feelings than to pretend they don't exist by jumping into another relationship before your ready.
Author pandagirl Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Hmm. It seems like I'm getting some conflicting advice here, but I agree with everything everyone has said. I'm not dating because I am "lonely." I am dating because I do eventually want another meaningful relationship, and also so I'm not sitting at home thinking about my ex. Also, I will not lead anyone on I'm dating. If I'm not feeling it, I won't string them along. I should just relax and take these dates for what they are -- casual fun. I think I'm longing for the love and comfort that my ex and I had.
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I think your reaction is normal, for someone who's not ready to date. I think you should take it to mean that you are not ready. After the date, if you were thinking about anyone at all, it should have been your date. That you were thinking about someone else completely unrelated is indicative of your unavailability. There's no rush, you know. I disagree that you should force yourself to date in an effort to heal for a number of reasons. One is that there's no guarantee that it will help you; it just might confuse you more. Another is that it doesn't make sense to use others to address personal issues. Truer words have never been spoken. Be patient with yourself, Panda. And fly west.
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I do not think you should follow advice from the emotionally unhealthy, Panda. Take as much time as you need. No need to push for something that's not there, knowing it's not there, and use nice men in the process. You'll find the right time, and the right guy. Don't force it.
carhill Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 We made out a little, and it was fine. But after all was said and done, I just felt completely empty. So empty that I came home and cried a little, and just thought about my ex and how I missed him. Does this mean I shouldn't be dating? But at the same time, I feel like if I don't start dating, I will never move on. Congrats for testing the waters and accepting your honest feelings about same. If you wish to try something more incremental, try being flirtatious and engaging but refrain from 'making out' on the first date, when you try again in the future. See how it feels. IMO, your reaction indicates you need more healing. I don't see this as a failure, rather a successful test of your emotional state. It's good to test the state of your healing from time to time. In time, you'll feel positive about trying again; when that happens, act on those feelings. You're an insightful and emotionally aware woman. You'll do fine and will make some fortunate gentleman a healthy and loving partner. Best wishes
zengirl Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I don't think it means you aren't ready to date, but maybe making out is too fast for a first date with your state of mind----unless you're with a guy that really does make you forget your ex, at least. When I feel that way, I usually date and be social, but I keep it light and easy until I feel more grounded. I also don't 'force' myself to date or date guys I don't want to under those circumstances. It's all about balance. You don't need to be a hermit till you're fully ready, but you need to pace yourself and find a rhythm that works. And understand you make backslide or feel sad now and again. It happens. C'est la vie. I think carhill gives some fine advice as well, and I agree with what he says additionally.
Author pandagirl Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 (edited) Congrats for testing the waters and accepting your honest feelings about same. If you wish to try something more incremental, try being flirtatious and engaging but refrain from 'making out' on the first date, when you try again in the future. See how it feels. IMO, your reaction indicates you need more healing. I don't see this as a failure, rather a successful test of your emotional state. It's good to test the state of your healing from time to time. In time, you'll feel positive about trying again; when that happens, act on those feelings. You're an insightful and emotionally aware woman. You'll do fine and will make some fortunate gentleman a healthy and loving partner. Best wishes Thanks, CH. I think I will take this advice. Everything happens in increments, and I just have to be patient and stay mindful of my feelings and emotions. I'm just frustrated that it takes me such a long time to get over people. I feel like most people get over relationships so fast and easily, and get excited about dating someone new. Me? It's like this lingering pain that fades over a long period of time. And even then, I never forget. Edited February 7, 2011 by pandagirl
TryingToMoveOn Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I'm just frustrated that it takes me such a long time to get over people. I feel like most people get over relationships so fast and easily, and get excited about dating someone new. Me? It's like this lingering pain that fades over a long period of time. And even then, I never forget. Hard to forget about those who have been close to you. Let those feelings fade some more, and try again at some point down the road. That you went home and cried suggests that you need additional time to heal. You might not completely forget, but you will move on! Wishing you the best!
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