The Surrender of My Demise

[NotaBadGuy]

Well, many have read other various posts I have given. This one proabbaly carries a similar yet different message. I do not seek sympathy. I do not seek answers. This riddle consumes my every move. It is a rhyme I cannot seem to conquer.

 

Moving on is very difficult for me for some reason. It has been over 5 months now. My life is a facade noone knows but myself. The wounds eat at my soul and occupy my mind. I hide from who I am wanting to become. Each time I look in the mirror, I see a failure. Each time I wake, I cannot wait to sleep once again. Each time I sleep, I yearn for more. I am in the dire straits of my life. I always land on my feet, but this time my feet seem to not be able to find solid ground. I want so much to be out of this barren wastland of despair, but cannot find my way out. I am lost in the loneliness. I need noone yet I need someone. I am strong yet meek. I have the world at my fingertips, yet am to oblivious to see it. I am angry yet sad.

 

I have been to the abyss once before. I slowly climbed out of what I knew as life. I eventually gained my composure and my heart. I checked myself at the top and told myself I would never fall again. I fooled myself. I poisoned my thoughts into believing I would never fall again. I have shocked myself once again. I often find myself numb to the pain I feel. I sometimes wonder who I am. I am a dreamer, but my imagination is suppressed from my mind. I fight the battle to overcome the despair on a continual basis. I am a strong person and have many allies who rely on my abilities. In life, I have no problem carrying on day to day life. But inside I bleed. My heart is shattered. My soul is tired of being trampled.

 

This is my release. From time to time, I need to express my thoughts. It is therapy. It comforts me. It helps me to understand. I don't expect anything in return. I just want to be me once again. I want to be proud. I want to feel once again. I want this numbness to go away. I want to enjoy life and what it entails. Life is too short to feel this way. It just doesn't make sense to me. I have everything, yet I have nothing. I have all the support one could ask for, yet have none at all. I only want the piece of mind I once knew. Maybe I was living someone elses life and not my own. My head hurts from taking this head on, but I must stand up once again and stare down the beast and meet it head on once again. The battle must continue.

[jenny]

o! g-d! you poor man! this actually sounds like the perfect present-continuous description of depression.

 

i know we have not agreed in other threads, but, please, can you detail more specifically what is going on *right now* with you? i am actually enjoyed your post, as sick as that is, because the writing was hot and salient, but do tell what is literally happening with you? no one can help you in the abstract.

[NotaBadGuy]

I am not sure about the depression thing, but it is like a lost pup trying to find its home. Before I say anything, why is it sick to enjoy my post as being hot and salient? Anyways, first off, let me thank you for the reply. I understand you have not totally agreed with me on other posts I have made. I don't post to get responses I think I should be hearing. I post to get objective points of view outside my own. So that is no big deal. And I actually enjoy your posts. Sometimes short, but meaningful.

 

As for my post. I guess I am just frustrated with life in general right now. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of positive things going on right now. But for some reason I am trapped in this dungeon I have allowed myself to be placed in. I see without seeing. I feel without feeling. I know it seems abstract, but it feels so real to me at times. Maybe I am just afraid to move on, I don't know.

 

I am no relationship expert, by any means. And this is where I suffer. I hope you understand that my other posting wasn't done for my own benefit. I don't really need that in my life. But I know the pain. I feel the pain. I am not a bad guy as my name entails. However, I often feel the exact opposite. I always seem to wind up scratching my head and saying why bother. Like dust in the wind, my reality often turns to vapors in an instant.

 

The short answer is that I want to find myself. I need to find myself once again. My life pulse depends on it right now. I was married in the middle of last year. I discovered she was involved with another man 4 months later. She filed for divorce in the 6th month. Divorce was later final. This entails my current struggle.

 

For some reason I cannot pull myself out of the tailspin. I figured I would be in this state of mind for a duration. But this duration has and continues to eat at my consciounce(sp?). I think it has shocked my conscionce to the core of my foundation. It has left me at the mercy of my mind. And I battle and battle often. I have pulled my sword and have taken on the battle. I always had my sword. But it seems as if my sword is becoming duller and the blows I give are becoming less than the blows in which I succomb. My armor is mightly, don't get me wrong, but my armor is only as mighty as my mind. And all around have no idea, no clue, no inclination. It is a silent battle. A battle forged on the battlegrounds of my mind. To those around me, I win the battle of perception on a day to day basis, but I often falter on the battle of pain and despair.

 

And it seems tha no matter how I try, what avenue of attack I take, what path I pursue, I am always cut off at the path. I am tired of the pain, the hurt, the despai. I am not that person. I silently bleed to those before me, yet they cannot not see. The illusion of perception hides the pain of reality. But I cannot let them see. It would destroy me. I seek refuge in the confines of their blindness. I do not see myself as depressed. Rather, I see myself as lost. Lost in who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. But none of this probably makes sense. It often does not to me.

[jenny]

i think about you, and the mistakes i made with your posts, often, actually.

 

For some reason I cannot pull myself out of the tailspin. I figured I would be in this state of mind for a duration. But this duration has and continues to eat at my consciounce(sp?). I think it has shocked my conscionce to the core of my foundation. It has left me at the mercy of my mind. And I battle and battle often. I have pulled my sword and have taken on the battle. I always had my sword. But it seems as if my sword is becoming duller and the blows I give are becoming less than the blows in which I succomb. My armor is mightly, don't get me wrong, but my armor is only as mighty as my mind. And all around have no idea, no clue, no inclination. It is a silent battle. A battle forged on the battlegrounds of my mind. To those around me, I win the battle of perception on a day to day basis, but I often falter on the battle of pain and despair.

 

here is the thing: i am a *chump* for good writing. i always will be. i think the real problem with the unabomber is that he did not edit. your posts are so...hurtful. i want to give some glib answer but i know that would not help. i guess i am trying to tell you that writing, simply, might be your path right now. you're a mess. i know how that feels; i have often been a mess. the benefit of being the articulate messes is that they have a hell of a lot to share.

 

so be lost. know that your prose is indicating a certain talent and direction. pain, oddly, is an advantage. i'm asking you to make your abstract *real* because then your post will hurt more. all good art should hurt.

 

this is just my take. dismiss at will; i wish the best for you.

[jenny]

sorry: sick because it is wrong to aestheticize other people's pain. it's not right; but i do pay spine-straight attention when a poster articulates ergonomically. that architeture always said: please help! to me.

 

if you were a IRL friend of mine, i would not let you speak at all; i'd just try to massage and cajole you out of pain. as it is, i worry about you but dwell in your descriptions of angst. i'd make you go out with my hot friends; we'd cook for you.

[kgal]

Do you know Jesus? Just curious. Jesus will help you through your tough times. I know from experience. It's hard to move on and the only One who can truly answer your questions.. that you feel no one has the answer for.. not even yourself.. is Jesus. Seek His love today and find peace.

[jenny]

christ.

[jenny]

dude, sign in. let us PM you.

[zarathustra]

In the span of months you've gotten married, learned of your wife's affair and gotten divorced. That's alot of trauma in a very short time period. You seem almost shell shocked--as if you're experiencing something akin to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Impacted grief over the loss of a particular life that will not be anymore. You seem to be mourning.

 

Your postings resonate with early Existential "dark night of the soul" expression. While well written and darkly fascinating, your anguished posts are no substitute for counseling , real life support and, if necessary, meds.

 

Please seek medical assistance if your grief/mourning lasts longer than is reasonable, causes suicidal ideation or begins to fundamentally affect eating, sleeping, relationships with others.

 

Your despair and anguish may, at the end of the day, have to be treated--not only expressed.

 

Good luck, my friend.

[moimeme]

I would absolutely agree that you should not allow yourself to continue feeling this dreadful. It might make for good prose, but not for a great life. Please, please see your physician and tell your story. It was awful when you first wrote it and it's still very sad. You shouldn't try to soldier this out. Get help, and then you can come back and write from a place of peace rather than from anguish.

[NotaBadGuy]

I totally appreciate the kind and thoughtful comments. I need to hear those things. And if I were around, I probably would take you up on the idea of going out with your hot friends. And I could always use a good home cooked meal. Anyways, don't second guess yourself on the posts you made in the other matter. That was your insight at the time and you are totally entitled to it. I have no hard feelings there.

 

By the way, what is a IRL friend? Maybe I have a way with words and I can make the words appear to have some sort of concrete feeling, I don't know. I speak from the heart. I cannot hide that. I do not try to hide that side of me. So the pain is real. Unnoticable to the naked eye, but almost so real it can be touched. It weighs heavily on my mind. It tugs at my soul and rocks my foundation. It is misery and mayhem all wrapped into one.

 

But I am I fighter. I have to fight. I will never give up. Maybe I am in mourning as another poster mentioned. But I want to mourn no more. I want to feel no more. I want to be free of the chains that hold me back. I know that holding on to the past will always limit the future, but I cannot seem to find the keys to match these locks that bind me. I try over and over to shake the chains but to no avail. The chains tie me down in place. I have nowhere to run and nowhere to go if I could run. So I battle the juggernaut that haunts my mind, body and soul. For each time I am pummeled into the soil of the ground, I stand up again and again. The tranquility of my dreams haunts my reality. As I stand, my face marred by the wounds I have been inflicted, I slowly and fervently take a step at a time.

 

I cannot and will not let myself fail in life. I may have failed relatioship wise, but I will not let myself be a casualty of my own war. Life is one hell of a challenge right now. I am the train that has jumped the tracks. It seems as if I am just spinning the wheels with no motion. And the pure energy it costs to spin continues to take its toll. Like I said, I just cannot figure it out. I am not a bad guy. Am am actually fairly bright and well rounded as a person. I just cannot shake this and that makes me furious.

 

As for signing up, I have seriously thought about it. I just figured no one would realize whether I was or wasn't. I will seriously think about it now.

[NotaBadGuy]

Originally posted by kgal

Do you know Jesus? Just curious. Jesus will help you through your tough times. I know from experience. It's hard to move on and the only One who can truly answer your questions.. that you feel no one has the answer for.. not even yourself.. is Jesus. Seek His love today and find peace.

 

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I do know Jesus. I pray and pray often for the wisdom, strength, and understanding to make it through these times. I attend some studies on Sunday evenings on occasion also. I know I do not have the answers and cannot do it myself. I know He is guiding me, I just cannot see it or feel it. But in the end, the Man upstairs has a plan and a purpose for me. I do believe that. I just have to overcome where I stand at this time. Thanks again.

[kgal]

Well.. keep fighting. Life gets tough.. but there is a reward and you will see the light of day once again.. just keep hoping!

 

Psalms 126:5 - They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.

 

God Bless.

[NotaBadGuy]

Originally posted by zarathustra

 

Your postings resonate with early Existential "dark night of the soul" expression. While well written and darkly fascinating, your anguished posts are no substitute for counseling , real life support and, if necessary, meds.

 

Please seek medical assistance if your grief/mourning lasts longer than is reasonable, causes suicidal ideation or begins to fundamentally affect eating, sleeping, relationships with others.

 

Your despair and anguish may, at the end of the day, have to be treated--not only expressed.

 

I appreciate the reply. What is reasonable in this context? I am nowhere in such a bad state as I was in December and early January. I thought I was begining to finally dig out of the despair, but it has attacked me ten fold here lately. Expression is my release at this point in time.

[Dixiecron]

NotaBadGuy,

 

IRL = In Real Life

 

Keep fighting. If you're doing better than you were in January, then you are winning the war for your heart. You're in another battle now. Here's a quote for you from some old Japanese writings (since you mentioned swords):

 

Hold your sword before you and see hell. Lift your sword above you and move forward into heaven.

[zarathustra]

You express yourself well, too. Just keep an eye on things. If your understandable grief becomes impacted, shows no sign of relenting, then get professional assistance.

 

You are in a dark funk, now. But you appear very bright and your ego, to the extent I can determine from your posts, seems strong.

 

Vent here, but go outside to play, too.

[jenny]

lol - in hokey's link on codependence the other day, they talked about healthy it is to be able to play - i loved that. i hope you get to play again soon, NotaBadGuy.

[NotaBadGuy]

Well, here I am again. Same song, different chorus. But what can I do? Sometimes I wonder if I am being punished for something I did or did not do earlier in life. But who knows. I am the sufferer as of now. I pry at the hand that hold me down, but only to succomb to the fervent grip. I challenge the relaity that illuminates my mind, only to be mesmorized by the lights of darkness. I pull myself along as the chains of despair direct me in the direction of the changing tides of hurt. I want to hurt and feel no more. I want to live once again. I loved to live and breath. I dislike the light of day. I am in the cave that hides my reality. My mind subjects me to the bitter pain as it unfolds the truth. The truth is that I have lost control. Control of myself and who I am to become. But, who knows, the struggle that bestows me will make me into the person I am to become, whoever that may be. So, here I am again as I was once before.