soulseeker Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I recently started dating a coworker of 1.5 yrs. First hitch; he is living in another state for about 6 mos., so we're long distance. Second hitch; most of the times we talk on the phone he's got something critical to say about someone in his family. I had an extremely charmed childhood. It wasn't perfect; my parents fought like any, and we didn't have a lot of money, but I knew I was loved. My bf on the other hand, had a really challenging upbringing. His dad bailed on the family when he was 3 and never looked back. His mom constantly picks men who abuse her in some way. my BF was the father figure to his younger brother and the reliable one to his mother. For periods of time, they didn't even live with their mother. I could go into further detail, but suffice it to say, she was not their for her children for most of their lives. I can try to understand what this would do to a person, but honestly, let's not pretend, I'll never fully understand it. How do I put myself in my bf's shoes when he snaps at his family who still tries to manipulate and control each other? I don't know how to remove myself from my childhood perspective and see things through the lens he does. So, I end up thinking he is being a jerk to them, when really I have no right to judge him this way, or even feel this way about him given what I know. How do I stop? Thanks
Graviton Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 How do I put myself in my bf's shoes when he snaps at his family who still tries to manipulate and control each other? I don't know how to remove myself from my childhood perspective and see things through the lens he does. So, I end up thinking he is being a jerk to them, when really I have no right to judge him this way, or even feel this way about him given what I know. How do I stop? Thanks A child can get traumatized by violence against their mother, child trauma's are tough to deal with, because children do not have a rational perspective on life yet and tend to experience things very directly. So the imprint of that trauma may never fade away or will only diminish slowly over time. A child can end up resenting the attitude of a mother that picks abusive men, as she willingly chooses for her own desires over her own safety and the well-being of her children. Family abuse is generally not merely a single event. In a family situation it can happen every day. In that case a child is exposed to violence, violence against their mother at that, and is exposed to it on a regular basis. The position of the child in such situations is one of defenselessness and helplessness. In order fully grasp such a feeling try imagining a male stranger coming into the house of your mother, beating her up and you having to watch the whole thing, but not being able to stop him or do anything about it. Now imagine that going on nearly every day, then imagine that going on for over a decade. Then imagine it was the choice of your mother to let that man inside the house every time, despite risking her safety and despite you having to watch it in agony. Then imagine how that would affect your perception of your mother. Then imagine how you would feel if she did other things you don't agree with.
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