dispatch3d Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 oh haha I'm clearly venting a bit in that big post. Not that it's incoherent or anything. More that its 6 paragraphs and I'm pulling out big words. When I get upset I generally read and think a bunch (weird?). Gunna just chill a bit on this thread. I'm not playing it aloof and carefree enough, way too invested and the thread is just going to take advantage.
Author daphne Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 dispatch - You didn't really offend me. I think it was more my feeling of impatience that you are projecting onto me and so when I read what your'e writing, it just sounds like your post on your life and nothing to do with me. Which is fine in itself, but you're actually writing about me as if it was accurate. I'm a pretty reasonable and self aware person. As long as someone's not manipulative or too negative & pushing their own agenda I'm not going to be terribly offended. I may ignore it, however, if I don't feel like defending a silly idea. Also, I know nothing I did was awful. This is probably where I feel like your'e projecting the most. I don't flake on guys, cancel dates and sit back waiting for the phone to ring again. I don't use and abuse them either. It's flirtation. That's part of what I think isn't sinking in with you. People do it daily, and with the very same intent. There are no guarantees. Do you think I hate the last guy I dated because he didn't want to move forward? No. Was I disappointed, absolutely. But I liked him as a person and he has the right to change his mind. I would still be his friend even if I felt confused at his mixed signals. It's called being an adult and knowing that you can't always get what you want. The guy that got really mad at me (scandinavian) that threw the temper tantrum showed me what I didn't want to act like. I think he thought he was teaching me a lesson, when in reality he was showing me that I was lucky I didn't end up with him. When I finally came around... I dont' remember if he had stopped pursuing or not to be honest. I don't think so though. I had an epiphany. I went snowboarding in Colorado and I broke my wrist. The first aid guy skiied down and peered down at me and smiled and asked me if I needed him to carry me and it looked just like the guy. White blonde Scandinavian guy. And I woke up and realized that I had always known teh guy liked me and it was time to stop playing and see about it. Weird thing, really. Wish it hadn't happened. We might still be friends. His wife loves me. If I like a guy and the guy acts too interested, it scares me. I am cautious and I watch closely but I don't flake. You don't want to ruin it with the one guy who actually is sincere. There was no strategy before. I was living in the moment and at that moment I did not really want a relationship. I guess in a way I was subconsciously feeling out my options. My guess is that a flaky girl is thinking very little. Perhaps she thinks if you really like her, that despite any reschedules/canceling you'll still come around and keep asking. Perhaps she's young or someone's reinforced that belief. All you can do is set your own boundaries. I have noticed that women tend to be MUUUUCCCH flakier when it comes to sticking to plans. I have lamented on this myself with my own gf's. God forbid they commit to something and see it through on a consistent basis. Very frustrating.
Author daphne Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 oh haha I'm clearly venting a bit in that big post. Not that it's incoherent or anything. More that its 6 paragraphs and I'm pulling out big words. When I get upset I generally read and think a bunch (weird?). Gunna just chill a bit on this thread. I'm not playing it aloof and carefree enough, way too invested and the thread is just going to take advantage. :lmao:
redhead1 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Great comments ev1~ I have been struggling with the whole idea of it. I am NOT aloof lol.. never have been. Coy isn't even in my vocab. If I like a guy, I will text or IM when the feeling strikes me. But do men want that? It's the fine line of showing an interest, showing that I am a woman who knows what she wants, and being too aggressive... or heaven forbid needy! I liked what u all said about reciprocating as he does... It's just hard to wait... lol....
dispatch3d Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I have noticed that women tend to be MUUUUCCCH flakier when it comes to sticking to plans. I have lamented on this myself with my own gf's. God forbid they commit to something and see it through on a consistent basis. Very frustrating. Yeah how do you deal with this? Like do you just not bother making plans but instead invite them when they may be in the mood? Fwiw I've noticed the same thing. Even women I'm friends with are typically flakier. I've also asked women I'm for sure just friends with if they ever don't reply to texts, or just don't bother responding to invites. They said yeah all the time. This, by the way, makes it way harder to be friends with someone.
Author daphne Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 Yeah how do you deal with this? Like do you just not bother making plans but instead invite them when they may be in the mood? Fwiw I've noticed the same thing. Even women I'm friends with are typically flakier. I've also asked women I'm for sure just friends with if they ever don't reply to texts, or just don't bother responding to invites. They said yeah all the time. This, by the way, makes it way harder to be friends with someone. It isn't easy. I had to stop making plans with a couple of them because of it, and they seemed offended. I have a really busy lifestyle and if I'm not making plans that you're going to flake on, I could be getting something else done or spending time with someone else on my list. It's a dealbreaker for me. Everyone has things that come up, and I'm pretty understanding. But if it's a habit, I don't have more time for that person to waste.
Jonno_S Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Oy. You are a broken record. :rolleyes: I think this guy is just trying to get a rise out of you - he posted this on another thread: The only reason women "like" sex is because they like it when the man wants to have sex with them. See it has nothing to do with the sex itself. They want to feel wanted and desired, thats all. If a woman initiates sex, she won't feel wanted or desired. Therefore they don't do it. Theres no point to it.
Author daphne Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 I think this guy is just trying to get a rise out of you - he posted this on another thread: Lol. I saw that somewhere. I guffawed a little. But to be honest, I think he really believes his schtick. That's what makes it funny yet sad at the same time.
Mad Max Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I don't know if waynebrady believes what he says or not, but the only reason he's not on my ignore list is because he's slightly amusing. He's annoying, but never offensive.
Jonno_S Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Lol. I saw that somewhere. I guffawed a little. But to be honest, I think he really believes his schtick. That's what makes it funny yet sad at the same time. I chortled. But that's just me.
Author daphne Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 This may be the most popular thread EVER No way josé. OG's thread is longer and she's been on like an hour. lol I need to rachet it up by mentioning the married men and the trips those guys invited me on. Where's the throwup smiley. Chortle's a good word.
Jannah Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 It's an interesting dynamic.... You've kept your thread going, by being hard to get and flirting. OG posts a thread, and everyone just fights with each other for the duration of it. PS. I just added to your thread count. Yay.
waynebrady Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I think this guy is just trying to get a rise out of you - he posted this on another thread: I was being heavily sarcastic to show how ridicilous the belief's of the women here are. Incase you didn't get it. If what they said was true... people would never get togheter... like ever.
EasyHeart Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 It isn't easy. I had to stop making plans with a couple of them because of it, and they seemed offended. I have a really busy lifestyle and if I'm not making plans that you're going to flake on, I could be getting something else done or spending time with someone else on my list. It's a dealbreaker for me. Everyone has things that come up, and I'm pretty understanding. But if it's a habit, I don't have more time for that person to waste.IME, what you folks are calling "flakiness" is related to impulsiveness, and it usually extends throughout a person's life. In other words, it's usually not just you the person is doing it to. In a dating context, it could mean that the person is impulsive/spontaneous and just doesn't like to make plans OR it could mean they don't like you and you are a last option. For me, either one is a dealbreaker (I'm a planner, dammit!!!). But for some people the former may not be a dealbreaker, so those people need to figure out if that's just the way she is or whether that's just the way she is to YOU.
Author daphne Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 It's an interesting dynamic.... You've kept your thread going, by being hard to get and flirting. OG posts a thread, and everyone just fights with each other for the duration of it. PS. I just added to your thread count. Yay. Lol. Peace and love baby. Peace and love.
Author daphne Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 IME, what you folks are calling "flakiness" is related to impulsiveness, and it usually extends throughout a person's life. In other words, it's usually not just you the person is doing it to. In a dating context, it could mean that the person is impulsive/spontaneous and just doesn't like to make plans OR it could mean they don't like you and you are a last option. For me, either one is a dealbreaker (I'm a planner, dammit!!!). But for some people the former may not be a dealbreaker, so those people need to figure out if that's just the way she is or whether that's just the way she is to YOU. I'm a total planner. We were actually talking about non dating experiences with women. I have just noticed that if you have an event and invite equal #'s of men and women who all say they're going to be there, guess which gender is going to have shorter numbers? I'm a woman but if I say I'm going to be somewhere, most likely I'm going to be there and a lot of women aren't this way. Drives me nuts.
utterer of lies Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 What kills me is that the last guy I went out with was gung ho crazy about me from the first time we met and seemed to be surprised that I still wanted to go out with him. I gave it a chance, despite the lack of challenge (cos I don't really need that), and he's the one that lost interest! Well. An alternative theory might be that you are pretty enough for men to want you, but when they really get to know you, they don't find you interesting enough personality- or intellect-wise.
Author daphne Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 Well. An alternative theory might be that you are pretty enough for men to want you, but when they really get to know you, they don't find you interesting enough personality- or intellect-wise. That's a nice theory, but none of my male friends would agree with you there. Personality is subjective but intellect isn't. I'm smarter than most of the guys I date.
Jonno_S Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I'm a total planner. We were actually talking about non dating experiences with women. I have just noticed that if you have an event and invite equal #'s of men and women who all say they're going to be there, guess which gender is going to have shorter numbers? I'm a woman but if I say I'm going to be somewhere, most likely I'm going to be there and a lot of women aren't this way. Drives me nuts. I think many people say that they'll be there because they intend to do so, but then as the event nears, the mood changes or other things might come up. I think the shorter number is going to be women as they tend to decide more on mood/feelings. My hunch is that the further in advance the event is planned, the greater the attrition. Just a personal note: By contrast, I have a "3 hour rule." I generally don't make plans more than 3 hours in advance (but I do abide by my commitments). It's not a written in stone rule and of course this is said with a smile but I am extremely spontaneous and forgiving of the perpetually late friend. (To me there is almost no concept of "late" except for a movie/show or other engagement that has an appointed time.) While most women might cringe at the very idea of this, it has been very positive - the last girl I dated was kind of controlling/OCD and also late. So when she would take her 1 hour extra to get ready, there I was calmly reading the paper. She really liked that and it brought out a good side of her and reduced a great deal of stress. Dating is supposed to be fun, right? Women have told me, however, that being late is an absolute sign of disrespect to them. Period. No way around that. My response? "Whatever."
Jonno_S Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 No way josé. OG's thread is longer and she's been on like an hour. lol I need to rachet it up by mentioning the married men and the trips those guys invited me on. Where's the throwup smiley. Chortle's a good word. I come from a long line of chortlers. You should see our family reunions! Who's OG?
zengirl Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 To each their own, but to me: Just a personal note: By contrast, I have a "3 hour rule." I generally don't make plans more than 3 hours in advance (but I do abide by my commitments). It's not a written in stone rule and of course this is said with a smile but I am extremely spontaneous and forgiving of the perpetually late friend. (To me there is almost no concept of "late" except for a movie/show or other engagement that has an appointed time.) This would be an absolute deal-breaker. I plan my week pretty carefully, and I almost never have room for spontaneous plans. While most women might cringe at the very idea of this, it has been very positive - the last girl I dated was kind of controlling/OCD and also late. So when she would take her 1 hour extra to get ready, there I was calmly reading the paper. She really liked that and it brought out a good side of her and reduced a great deal of stress. Dating is supposed to be fun, right? Women have told me, however, that being late is an absolute sign of disrespect to them. Period. No way around that. My response? "Whatever." I think this is a 'People who are not late' see it as a sign of disrespect thing. My BF and I were just discussing this with our friends a few nights ago---about people who are always late/flaking. Since neither he, nor I are like that (Sometimes, we will give a window, i.e. "I'll be over between noon and 3," which is fine too, for certain things, though not occasions/shows/anything with a start-time or many people involved generally), we both find it very disrespectful for someone to be more than, say, 15 minutes late. Or even to be 15 minutes late on many occasions.
dispatch3d Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I think this is a 'People who are not late' see it as a sign of disrespect thing. My BF and I were just discussing this with our friends a few nights ago---about people who are always late/flaking. Since neither he, nor I are like that (Sometimes, we will give a window, i.e. "I'll be over between noon and 3," which is fine too, for certain things, though not occasions/shows/anything with a start-time or many people involved generally), we both find it very disrespectful for someone to be more than, say, 15 minutes late. Or even to be 15 minutes late on many occasions. People who are late tend to be big picture thinkers. This is probably because they focus more on the big picture - getting there - than they do the details (showing up on time). I've found the more detail orientated someone is, the more attention they pay to what time a person shows up. I'm usually late unless I make a very very concentrated effort to be on time. But that effort actually takes a lot of energy (for me) so meh. Hard to describe. Flaking is a seperate issue to me. Fwiw I'm not really a planner as far as my social life is concerned. I definitely just go with the flow of whatever is most appealing at the time, rather than making plans with people. Plans to me require too much work, and I prefer my social life to be more about fun (ie. not having to continually plan things and put work in). The idea is a just go with the flow and don't worry or fret, planning makes me do both (and gives anxiety). Soo uhh, yeah I guess I'm kinda acting counter to my natural tendencies. From a practical standpoint though it seems like it would be a lot more annoying to randomly see if some girl I wanted to date was "free". Maybe I should try it though.
Author daphne Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 I think many people say that they'll be there because they intend to do so, but then as the event nears, the mood changes or other things might come up. I think the shorter number is going to be women as they tend to decide more on mood/feelings. My hunch is that the further in advance the event is planned, the greater the attrition. Just a personal note: By contrast, I have a "3 hour rule." I generally don't make plans more than 3 hours in advance (but I do abide by my commitments). It's not a written in stone rule and of course this is said with a smile but I am extremely spontaneous and forgiving of the perpetually late friend. (To me there is almost no concept of "late" except for a movie/show or other engagement that has an appointed time.) While most women might cringe at the very idea of this, it has been very positive - the last girl I dated was kind of controlling/OCD and also late. So when she would take her 1 hour extra to get ready, there I was calmly reading the paper. She really liked that and it brought out a good side of her and reduced a great deal of stress. Dating is supposed to be fun, right? Women have told me, however, that being late is an absolute sign of disrespect to them. Period. No way around that. My response? "Whatever." I agree with a lot of stuff here. Attrition rate is much higher the later out it's planned. A gf of mine, who is terribly flakey, once told ME that she'd never make plans with me because I was better last minute. Which is not true. I just flaked out on her once because she had been consistently flaking out on me so I stopped respecting her time. Funny how people are so blind to their own shortcomings. Yes, I cringed at the 3 hour rule. THat would drive me nutty because I have a lot of things going on in my life at any given moment and so I can't afford spontaneity very often. I'll admit though, that one of the guys I dated last year, porsche guy, knew I was having a stressful time before we first met. I called to let him know in advance I was running a little late. He gave me an hour so I could take my time. I loved his flexibility and I never checked the clock when I was waiting on him to come pick me up. If someone's laid back and I don't have a series of things I need to do, I just go with the flow. but being late and canceling last minute are 2 different things. I just like to know ahead of time if someone's running late. Time is my most precious commodity and one I have the least of. Except this weekend.
Author daphne Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 People who are late tend to be big picture thinkers. This is probably because they focus more on the big picture - getting there - than they do the details (showing up on time). I've found the more detail orientated someone is, the more attention they pay to what time a person shows up. I'm usually late unless I make a very very concentrated effort to be on time. But that effort actually takes a lot of energy (for me) so meh. Hard to describe. Flaking is a seperate issue to me. Fwiw I'm not really a planner as far as my social life is concerned. I definitely just go with the flow of whatever is most appealing at the time, rather than making plans with people. Plans to me require too much work, and I prefer my social life to be more about fun (ie. not having to continually plan things and put work in). The idea is a just go with the flow and don't worry or fret, planning makes me do both (and gives anxiety). Soo uhh, yeah I guess I'm kinda acting counter to my natural tendencies. From a practical standpoint though it seems like it would be a lot more annoying to randomly see if some girl I wanted to date was "free". Maybe I should try it though. dispatch- are you sure you aren't a girl? You tend to circumvent sometimes and it's hard to pin you down to what you actually think. (it's that emotional thing) I thought you hated flakiness? Are you saying here you don't? Making me think too hard. But I like your use of concentrated instead of concerted. Most people make that mistake.
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