Being hard to get - a double edged sword

[EasyHeart]

I'm glad to hear a man admit this. We instinctively know this, but guys will tell us "oh we love when a woman pursues" so we stupidly test that theory only to find out that wow! they really don't like being pursued.

I hate, hate, hate being pursued. Chasing is my job; a woman's job is to enjoy being chased. Of course, I have no interest in chasing a woman who isn't interested in being chased by me. I need to receive signals and positive reinforcement, but I don't want her to take over my role in the relationship. If she does, what am I there for?

 

A female poster in this forum made an interesting comment a few days ago. It was something about many men being too concerned about their bodies (eg, muscles, weight, hairlines) because physical appearance is what THEY value in women, so they assume that women value the same thing. But they don't. I think this women-pursuing thing may be a similar example: women get excited because a man shows interest by pursuing them, so they figure they'll reciprocate by doing the same thing. But it confuses our little male brains!!!

[daphne]

I've already echoed similar sentiments in other threads, but here's how I feel about the whole game-playing and hard-to-get thing.

 

I really do not think guys or girls should be easy to get to begin with. Most people have plenty of options for dating, so they should be selective.

 

In my approach to courting a woman, I do not make it obvious I am interested in her. I'm not exactly playing a game though, because I do not actually become interested until I learn a few things about the woman first. Even if there is an initial attraction, I do not make moves until I know that the woman is compatible. During this period where I am learning about the woman, I do not fall for tricks or pursue the woman's company too heavily-- again, not because I am playing a game, but because I really have not made a decision about the person yet.

 

The funny thing is that on many occasions, after I have gotten to know the woman, she turns things around and starts playing games with me. At this point it's utterly ridiculous to do that because it is obvious to me what is going on, and it's also pointless because if I am pursuing her it means I am genuinely interested. She should know that by that point and she should not feel the need to test my sincerity. So when she does that she essentially shoots herself in the foot and makes herself seem immature to me.

 

Daphne, your worries about letting your guard down are somewhat unwarranted. Guys like me will put in the effort to try to bring that guard down, and if we do, we do not lose respect for you--t's actually the opposite. We feel a sense of accomplishment, and we are thrilled to be with you because we know you are the real deal and can be trusted.

 

I liked your post, mainly because I find it's the kind of guy I'm looking for. I respect how you handle yourself, and it's actually what I am looking for and thought I had on 2 seperate occasions. I prefer when a guy wants to take it slow, as long as he's consistent and lets me know that he's into me. He should be as selective as I am. There are a lot of bad apples out there. Looking for something meaningful and special isn't about rushing in with full guns ablazing. That's what you do when you're 21.

 

Also, the point you made in the end is exactly why I want that in a man. If he's willing to take the time to get to know me beyond the attraction and he's still around, I can trust that he's a keeper and worth the effort of remaining available.

[waynebrady]

#4, right on. We all secretly know it's true.

 

Some men like it, some men don't. I think you women would like to believe all men love to chase and thinks it awesome. When that's simply not the case.

 

How do you feel when people say women like bad guys who treat them badly? That has been said alot and it's not true either, it's kinda a stereotype... Just like the one that all men love to chase.

 

The guys chasing you probably weren't looking for a serious relationship anyway. Guys who are, are less likely to enjoy getting played.

[daphne]

Some men like it, some men don't. I think you women would like to believe all men love to chase and thinks it awesome. When that's simply not the case.

 

How do you feel when people say women like bad guys who treat them badly? That has been said alot and it's not true either, it's kinda a stereotype... Just like the one that all men love to chase.

 

The guys chasing you probably weren't looking for a serious relationship anyway. Guys who are, are less likely to enjoy getting played.

 

Ok Wayne. I hear you loud and clear. You want the harem of women to pile up on your doorstep. You really like it when a woman pursues you? Has it ever happened before?

[Jonno_S]

I'm glad to hear a man admit this. We instinctively know this, but guys will tell us "oh we love when a woman pursues" so we stupidly test that theory only to find out that wow! they really don't like being pursued.

Glad to hear you're glad! I honestly do not like the pursuit. It's funny, because there've been times when I would complain about it to a friend and the reaction I would get was, "That never happens to me!" So much for the empathy of a friend.

 

I used to tell my female friends that it was okay to ask a guy out and I had a rule that I would always say yes when it occurred. I have changed both of those ideas through time. Now I tell females that ask at your risk and only once if you must but the safer course is to just make sure you can say that he knows you exist. If he's interested, you'll know.

 

As a funny footnote, I would say almost entirely, women ask out a guy by saying, "You want to get a drink?" That's always the way.

 

As for the other, if you leave without knowing for sure if she's interested or not, it's possible that you have cut out many potentials due to your misperception that she wasn't interested. Understand that most women will rarely call to pursue a guy because of what you said about the wrench girl.

 

Yes. I understand this. It can be like two ships passing in the night. I also think that there are ways that women can at least let a guy know that they're interested short of asking him out, or knocking on his door. I think that if a woman is so guarded that she can't just let the guy know - by smiling, saying hello, etc. it's her loss. But there are other points of view on this for sure...

[mo mo]

I liked your post, mainly because I find it's the kind of guy I'm looking for. I respect how you handle yourself, and it's actually what I am looking for and thought I had on 2 seperate occasions. I prefer when a guy wants to take it slow, as long as he's consistent and lets me know that he's into me. He should be as selective as I am. There are a lot of bad apples out there. Looking for something meaningful and special isn't about rushing in with full guns ablazing. That's what you do when you're 21.

 

Also, the point you made in the end is exactly why I want that in a man. If he's willing to take the time to get to know me beyond the attraction and he's still around, I can trust that he's a keeper and worth the effort of remaining available.

 

Really?? Hmmm so what are you doing tonight???

 

Hehehe it's funny because I come to this forum and I have gotten to know some of the female users and they have the qualities I am looking for in a woman. I'm not that lucky in the outside world or the online dating world. I think my way of doing things gets misinterpreted a lot and/or women just assume I'm a player and/or snobby.

[WTRanger]

Men are supposed to play it aloof. Women are supposed to also play it aloof and reject any man who is playing it aloof.

 

That means there's a lot of lonely people on this planet.

[daphne]

I hate, hate, hate being pursued. Chasing is my job; a woman's job is to enjoy being chased. Of course, I have no interest in chasing a woman who isn't interested in being chased by me. I need to receive signals and positive reinforcement, but I don't want her to take over my role in the relationship. If she does, what am I there for?

 

A female poster in this forum made an interesting comment a few days ago. It was something about many men being too concerned about their bodies (eg, muscles, weight, hairlines) because physical appearance is what THEY value in women, so they assume that women value the same thing. But they don't. I think this women-pursuing thing may be a similar example: women get excited because a man shows interest by pursuing them, so they figure they'll reciprocate by doing the same thing. But it confuses our little male brains!!!

 

Well, I think it's obvious that I'm in the camp of women who enjoy being chased. It's one of the few areas where I really enjoy the division of genders. I feel like a girl, and it feels really good. The French have the whole thing down to an art form. As a matter of fact, long ago I dated a French guy who started taking me for granted. I was young and heavy handed and I clamped down on him and went out and started dating other guys. It took weeks for us to reconcile but later he told me "I don't know what you did, but I'm glad you did it. It made me fall in love with you." He never again did the goofy things he was doing at the time that made me dump him.

 

Good observations on how men and women try to reciprocate in kind, based on their preferences, only to find that it doesn't work quite the same way in reverse. But hey, I don't mind if a guy works out a little to keep me interested.

[Jonno_S]

#4, right on. We all secretly know it's true.

 

Call me a doofus then.

 

- Jonny Doofus.

[daphne]

Yes. I understand this. It can be like two ships passing in the night. I also think that there are ways that women can at least let a guy know that they're interested short of asking him out, or knocking on his door. I think that if a woman is so guarded that she can't just let the guy know - by smiling, saying hello, etc. it's her loss. But there are other points of view on this for sure...

 

I do smile plenty when I'm interested. And make eye contact. I know my job is to show interest and see if he bites. Unfortunately, I smile at a lot of people, men and women. So it might be confusing. lol.

 

And yes, you're pretty lucky or special if women pursue you. Most of us are once bitten twice shy on that.

[daphne]

Really?? Hmmm so what are you doing tonight???

 

Hehehe it's funny because I come to this forum and I have gotten to know some of the female users and they have the qualities I am looking for in a woman. I'm not that lucky in the outside world or the online dating world. I think my way of doing things gets misinterpreted a lot and/or women just assume I'm a player and/or snobby.

 

Lol. I'm deep conditioning my hair if you must know.

 

I can see how that would happen. There's no pressure in an online forum for anything. You get to see what someone's like outside of the context of a romantic relationship so you are just yourself. Or at least I would assume so.

 

When we date, we have all of these experiences, expectations, fears, and for some deep anxieties on how to market ourself the best, make the best decisions, minimize our risks, most efficiently use our time and it's just too much to think about. It's hard to go with the flow. But I have felt a lot better about dating when I do just that. Perhaps some of my frustration stems from that as well. I feel like I try to put the odds in my favor of finding a healthy relationship in a number of areas, and so far it is not reaping the rewards I thought it would.

 

Regardless, I'm happy overall at how I've handled myself and despite everything, I know there are 2 guys that are probably just as disappointed as I am that things didn't work out.

[tigressA]

2. A few of the women in this thread have noticed that men who are interested in serious dating/LTRs move slowly. Good for you!!!! This is probably the single most important lesson you can learn about dating. People are strangers when they meet. Anyone (male or female) who is interested in a relationship will want to get to know you before jumping into anything.

 

It took me some time to see this, and I still have to remind myself of it. It's still difficult to resist being swept off my feet and seeing the insincerity of the guy's tactics. It's still difficult for me to not assume I'm being friendzoned if there's no kiss on the first date. I'm working on it, though.

[Jonno_S]

I do smile plenty when I'm interested. And make eye contact. I know my job is to show interest and see if he bites. Unfortunately, I smile at a lot of people, men and women. So it might be confusing. lol.

 

Well smiling and eye contact are far better than having that "I was too shy to let him know" regret. It puts you on his radar at least.

 

And yes, you're pretty lucky or special if women pursue you.

 

Maybe, but maybe not. The grass is always greener. I can't say anything significant ever developed in any of the dates/friendships started by the female asking me. Was it because she violated that primal rule? I don't think so, honestly. There was just a reason that I didn't ask them out - I wasn't interested but since they asked, I went anyway.

Edited February 6, 2011 by Jonno_S

[EasyHeart]

It took me some time to see this, and I still have to remind myself of it. It's still difficult to resist being swept off my feet and seeing the insincerity of the guy's tactics. It's still difficult for me to not assume I'm being friendzoned if there's no kiss on the first date. I'm working on it, though.

FWIW, I would never kiss a woman on a first date. Kissing is important to me, and I reserve it for people who are important in my life. There's no way a woman that i just met could be important to me yet. From my perspective, it would make no sense that a woman I ask on a date thinks that I want to be "just friends" with her, but apparently I'm a weirdo!

 

I've been on the receiving-end of this problem, too. In fact, this "friendzone" and "just friends" thing is what sent me to the LoveShack a few years ago. The whole concept (and the increased speed of dating) seems to have developed of the past few years while I was in LTRs. I blame online dating for screwing everything up.

[Jonno_S]

I do smile plenty when I'm interested. And make eye contact. I know my job is to show interest and see if he bites. Unfortunately, I smile at a lot of people, men and women. So it might be confusing. lol.

 

I have noticed that this occurs less (less to me, anyway). I don't mean to high-jack the thread so maybe I'll start one on this. I don't know if it's a function of age - women seem to become more guarded based on being burned? Or as I age am I less attractive so I don't generate that reaction as much? Or is it society? I seem to be able to meet European women much easier in this way. Or are we becoming less interactive with people? Questions!

[mo mo]

Lol. I'm deep conditioning my hair if you must know.

 

I can see how that would happen. There's no pressure in an online forum for anything. You get to see what someone's like outside of the context of a romantic relationship so you are just yourself. Or at least I would assume so.

 

When we date, we have all of these experiences, expectations, fears, and for some deep anxieties on how to market ourself the best, make the best decisions, minimize our risks, most efficiently use our time and it's just too much to think about. It's hard to go with the flow. But I have felt a lot better about dating when I do just that. Perhaps some of my frustration stems from that as well. I feel like I try to put the odds in my favor of finding a healthy relationship in a number of areas, and so far it is not reaping the rewards I thought it would.

 

Regardless, I'm happy overall at how I've handled myself and despite everything, I know there are 2 guys that are probably just as disappointed as I am that things didn't work out.

 

Wow, I think we are on the same page. We already know ourselves and what we have to offer, so we spend less time trying to impress the people we are dating and more time trying to actually learn and appreciate the person (and have some fun in the process). It's just hard for us to find people who think the same way or have the same approach to dating.

 

So what kind of conditioner do you use?? I think Biolage is the best.

[mo mo]

It took me some time to see this, and I still have to remind myself of it. It's still difficult to resist being swept off my feet and seeing the insincerity of the guy's tactics. It's still difficult for me to not assume I'm being friendzoned if there's no kiss on the first date. I'm working on it, though.

 

I don't understand. You get swept off your feet when you see the insincerity of a guy's tactics???

[EasyHeart]

When we date, we have all of these experiences, expectations, fears, and for some deep anxieties on how to market ourself the best, make the best decisions, minimize our risks, most efficiently use our time and it's just too much to think about. It's hard to go with the flow. But I have felt a lot better about dating when I do just that. Perhaps some of my frustration stems from that as well. I feel like I try to put the odds in my favor of finding a healthy relationship in a number of areas, and so far it is not reaping the rewards I thought it would.

That's very interesting, and I think a lot of that pressure is because of the way dating has sped up nowadays. When you have repeated contact with someone (like at work and school) you actually get to know something about another person before you decide to date them. Now it seems like we have 2 hours to convince the other person that we are perfect, and if we don't, we fail. It puts intense pressure on us.

 

I think that's also why we have so many incidents of people falling for their friends or getting crushes on people that we work with -- we have repeated contact with people in low-pressure situations, so we actually get to know them and then realize that we're attracted to them. That's probably a more normal development process than picking a person out of a catalog (which is what online dating effectively is).

[mo mo]

That's very interesting, and I think a lot of that pressure is because of the way dating has sped up nowadays. When you have repeated contact with someone (like at work and school) you actually get to know something about another person before you decide to date them. Now it seems like we have 2 hours to convince the other person that we are perfect, and if we don't, we fail. It puts intense pressure on us.

 

I think that's also why we have so many incidents of people falling for their friends or getting crushes on people that we work with -- we have repeated contact with people in low-pressure situations, so we actually get to know them and then realize that we're attracted to them. That's probably a more normal development process than picking a person out of a catalog (which is what online dating effectively is).

 

I agree with you 10000000% which is why I always argue with people when they say I shouldn't be trying to kick it to women at work. Sure it is riskier in a way, but it is also much more fulfilling.

[tigressA]

I don't understand. You get swept off your feet when you see the insincerity of a guy's tactics???

 

No, I didn't mean that at all. I mean that it's still difficult for me to see the insincerity in a guy's tactics when he means to sweep me off my feet with false intimacy. It's what I'm used to--the whirlwind. I still have to get used to taking things slowly.

[Jonno_S]

When we date, we have all of these experiences, expectations, fears, and for some deep anxieties on how to market ourself the best, make the best decisions, minimize our risks, most efficiently use our time and it's just too much to think about. It's hard to go with the flow. But I have felt a lot better about dating when I do just that. Perhaps some of my frustration stems from that as well. I feel like I try to put the odds in my favor of finding a healthy relationship in a number of areas, and so far it is not reaping the rewards I thought it would.

 

Since I am not w/in your swatting range I will say that I think this is more of a female point of view. I never think in terms of fears and marketing. I just kind of plow ahead, undaunted so to speak. Not without being considerate of the object of my desires, however. I just am not a guarded person. To quote something I said with my last GF - I just open my heart, dump it out and read what it says. Good? Bad? Who knows...

[hydorclops]

I believe men that say they like chasing. I believe women when they say they like being chased.

 

I don't believe this is normal or correct or good. It's not bad either, just wait.

 

If you're good at chasing, you're good at dating. OK, fine.

 

That says nothing about being good at relationships.

 

Many of us hope for close personal intimacy with the opposite sex. The courtship is relatively brief compared to the whole. Why not do what works to get a good relationship?

 

The other problem with one person chasing, is that you have to chase before you know the person. You're chasing because you think you might want a relationship. Why not stop chasing and get to know them?

 

Being good at dating and courtship is fine if you want a lifestyle of dating. Many fine people are awkward at this but are great at relationships.

 

Just my $.02

[waynebrady]

Ok Wayne. I hear you loud and clear. You want the harem of women to pile up on your doorstep. You really like it when a woman pursues you? Has it ever happened before?

 

No and No I don't. Ahh Its getting really tiring seeing women assume I want the exact opposite. I have already made it clear, I will chase a woman if I like her. Not because I like chasing but because I like her get it?

 

I'm fine with initiating contact and chasing. But you women take it way to far sometimes... Flaking, Not calling back, Not picking up at all, Acting disintrested, and you actually have the nerve to think we men enjoy that?

 

I'll chase but when the woman starts playing games by doing the things I mentioned I'm outta there. You don't realise that sometimes you play the game so good that the man honestly don't think you are intrested.

[mo mo]

No, I didn't mean that at all. I mean that it's still difficult for me to see the insincerity in a guy's tactics when he means to sweep me off my feet with false intimacy. It's what I'm used to--the whirlwind. I still have to get used to taking things slowly.

 

Oh ok

 

Well there's always casual sex

[Jonno_S]

What exactly is meant by being/playing hard to get? Say, when I call, not take my call intentionally? Or when I ask out for a date, be not available even when you are? Or is it deeper stuff, like not saying how one feels when one feels something for the other? Can any specifics be offered?