Author daphne Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Someone posted a similar thread not long ago so i'm going to quote myself. "Let me tell you the whole hard to get act will backfire on any guy who has any self respect. He will say "see you later" quicker than you can give him the cold shoulder. I know personally when I notice a girl I'm interested in starts acting cold or playing hard to get I move on very quickly I take it as a sign shes not interested and figure its a waste of my time and hers to continue pursuing her." Yes guys generally like to chase to an extent those been the key words. You start acting cold and they continue to pursue they either have low-self esteem and no self respect (no value for themselves or their time) or both. Playing hard to get is great to boost your ego, not to get a meaningful relationship. If a guy stops showing interest, its not because you didn't play hard to get its because hes not interested. Simple as that. Hules, I'm sure everyone's different but in my experience, most men do really like the chase. When I talk about being hard to get, it's not playing. These are generally people I have liked as friends in the past and we've had concentric social circles where we saw each other often. I was always a little out of reach but we were still friends so it's not quite being cold to someone you went out with a few times. If I was cold, it was more in the sense that whereas I was still friendly (I was friends with most of these guys), I was also somewhat immune to their discomfort.
Author daphne Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 That's also something I noticed--guys who seem more interested in a relationship will want to move slower overall than guys who aren't. Guys who are into casual hookups/dating will want to up the investment quickly so that you feel comfortable enough with them to want to f*ck. They'll talk about the future; they'll call you sweetie or babe, basically act like instant boyfriend--false intimacy. Then they run once they have what they want. Very true. And then they don't understand why you're not signing up for the insta intimacy plan. I think the last guy may have bounced (which for the record I think was my first fader after meeting), because I wasn't letting him sweep me off my feet. Which is another route to insta intimacy. I'm not putting out, so I'm sure he's looking for someone who will.
Author daphne Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 There's more pics of her and me on her Facebook then there are of him. Ouch. That can't be good for his ego. How long did you two date? Maybe that's why you're a risk. Also, did you let her walk all over you like it sounds her fiance did?
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I think online dating adds an extremeness to this whole thing. There's an element that "wow, if I can get her interest, I can possibly get the interest of all of these other women out there too." So they keep hunting. And some circle back when they've hunted them all and found that wasn't the case. I ABSOLUTELY think this is true! I've also been guilty of it myself.
tigressA Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I ABSOLUTELY think this is true! I've also been guilty of it myself. Me too! ---
Hules Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Not disagreeing, most men do like the chase... to a point then it quickly becomes indifference to anyone who values their time. Maybe culture difference I don't know (I'm a Aussie) or I have different values *shrugs*
Author daphne Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 I would also see if you are subconsciously pursuing men like this. Definitely not. If anything, I try to get an idea from their profiles/talking to them if they are solid guys who know what they're looking for. I would say that when I was younger I fell for it a few times. I allowed myself to fall into that chemically induced state of infatuation/lust for a good looking guy who seemed crazy about me. Interestingly, I'm still friends with 2 of them and one still wants a relationship. But I'm over that phase. I look more at the depth of the person and less about the superficial trappings so I'm not prone to falling for the nonsense again.
SmileFace Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 That's also something I noticed--guys who seem more interested in a relationship will want to move slower overall than guys who aren't. Guys who are into casual hookups/dating will want to up the investment quickly so that you feel comfortable enough with them to want to f*ck. They'll talk about the future; they'll call you sweetie or babe, basically act like instant boyfriend--false intimacy. Then they run once they have what they want. This is something I need to remember. It proves to be true each and every time.
waynebrady Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Not disagreeing, most men do like the chase... to a point then it quickly becomes indifference to anyone who values their time. Maybe culture difference I don't know (I'm a Aussie) or I have different values *shrugs* Most women seem to go overboard with the whole playing hard to get thing, to the extent that the man genuinly believes she has no intrest. It's probably hard to tell sometimes... Because women who play hard to get will do everything to make it seem that way.
Author daphne Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 I ABSOLUTELY think this is true! I've also been guilty of it myself. Bad girl. But then again, better to get it out of your system when you're younger so you figure out what you want. Sure wish I had done that!
Nexus One Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 (edited) Problem number 1 with playing hard to get is that the guy could misinterpret it as you not being interested. If that guy then is like me, then my interest fades to near zero if I detect a girl/woman is not interested. Because face it, if you as a man are reasonable, you're not going to push beyond a certain point, because you want the attraction to be mutual. If it's not mutual then what's the point right? So if you give them the idea you're not interested, then they may very well disappear without you ever quite understanding why. So while you're wondering why your hard to get strategy failed, they're already out there looking for greener grass. Also look at this video and watch how men "love" the chase: http://tinyurl.com/4vxrfha Edited February 6, 2011 by Nexus One
Author daphne Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 It seems when things don't work out, you are so quick to say that it's because you didn't play hard to get enough. I disagree. I do understand that people are entitled to and do lost interest for all sorts of reasons, at any time in the process. I'm talking about the situations where a high level of interest has been shown, a lot of pursuing, a lot of talk about the future etc etc. I'm not factoring in all of the guys that were lukewarm to start with.
dispatch3d Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Gotcha. That does make sense. As I get older, I stop asking myself what it is about me and realize that they're just not there yet. I've had to understand that a high interest level does not mean a high interest level in developing and maintaining a relationship. I'd say the guys who really do want a relationship tend to want to take things a bit slower so they know what they're getting into, much like me. I've been doing just that... taking my time and being receptive. It has weeded them all out, if that tells you anything. Most are in an extreme hurry. Most of them talk about the future together. Many of them try to plan trips in the first month of dating. It's kind of funny when I think about how hurried these guys are to move things along to intimacy or an illusion of a relationship. Good luck to you too. It's a grind. Lol this is actually pretty ****ing funny. I'm a little upset because what you described in the OP is basically what I run into in the real world. A bunch of women who spend more time trying to get me to fawn over them, than attempting anything towards "dating". I somewhat think my lack of excitement even when girls are like OMG I love you! May be causing more flaking. Anyhow, back to why this is so hilarious. You notice guys are in a huge hurry to start dating. Yet in the OP you talk about how you have managed to string guys along for 1-2 years, have them proposed love to you, yadayada. Then turn around and wonder why guys want things to start immediately. Probably so they don't run into you. Seriously. If I knew up front a girl was planning on doing what you describe to me, then I would run for the hills immediately. No offence intended, and keep in mind I was offended by your OP. I would like to understand you more though, maybe we can help each other. What kind of guys did you end up seeing?
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Bad girl. But then again, better to get it out of your system when you're younger so you figure out what you want. Sure wish I had done that! Aren't we close in age? I'm 32.
SmileFace Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 If I am reading you OP properly. You seriously can't be mad. These guys are now just doing to you what you have done for years. Sigh ... oh well.
Author daphne Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Problem number 1 with playing hard to get is that the guy could misinterpret it as you not being interested. If that guy then is like me, then my interest fades to near zero if I detect a girl/woman is not interested. Because face it, if you as a man are reasonable, you're not going to push beyond a certain point, because you want the attraction to be mutual. If it's not mutual then what's the point right? So if you give them the idea you're not interested, then they may very well disappear without you ever quite understanding why. So while you're wondering why your hard to get strategy failed, they're already out there looking for greener grass. Also look at this video and watch how men "love" the chase: http://tinyurl.com/4vxrfha That's 4 minutes of my life I'll never get back. I didn't fully appreciate why you attached that video. Was it because she was a bit snarky at any mis step the guys made? I don't think that's playing hard to get. That's stuff out of mean girls kind of. As for the rest, attraction and logic do not always interact and reason with each other. I didn't "play" hard to get. I simply was because I didn't care if I was in a relationship or not. Another datapoint, as carhill might say, is that a couple of guys who totally flaked out before meeting did a 180 when I cut them off completely. I wasn't mean, I just personally don't want someone who's flakey and doesn't know what they want. But they continued to pursue more doggedly after I decided to move on completely.
Lovelybird Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I guess it is life you have to be hard to get until you are 100% sure that he has fallen for you. and you can be hard to get and still be vulnerable and accessible he can think of you as liking him but not sure, or shy, or something else. this is high level of hard to get because you love him you won't let him get it easy, consider it as fun exercise
somedude81 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 That's also something I noticed--guys who seem more interested in a relationship will want to move slower overall than guys who aren't. Guys who are into casual hookups/dating will want to up the investment quickly so that you feel comfortable enough with them to want to f*ck. They'll talk about the future; they'll call you sweetie or babe, basically act like instant boyfriend--false intimacy. Then they run once they have what they want. Interesting that you brought this up. I'm definitely in the move slower camp since I'm not look looking for a quick screw but women often misinterpret my advances as friendship. I may be going a bit off topic, but how do women, actually want men to act?
dispatch3d Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Very true. And then they don't understand why you're not signing up for the insta intimacy plan. I think the last guy may have bounced (which for the record I think was my first fader after meeting), because I wasn't letting him sweep me off my feet. Which is another route to insta intimacy. I'm not putting out, so I'm sure he's looking for someone who will. He's probably looking for someone who wants to be in a relationship. Generally if girls aren't putting out, they are looking to string guys along while they bang "bros" on the weekend.
Author daphne Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Then turn around and wonder why guys want things to start immediately. Probably so they don't run into you. Ok that made me laugh pretty hard even though I don't think it was a completely fair assessment. If I thought for a moment that the last guy was serious in wanting a real relationship, we wouldn't be having this conversation because I'd be with him. Honestly, I think he wanted a little bit of a trophy and a whirlwind romance. I wanted something more down to earth, real and lasting. Seriously. If I knew up front a girl was planning on doing what you describe to me, then I would run for the hills immediately. No offence intended, and keep in mind I was offended by your OP. I would like to understand you more though, maybe we can help each other. What kind of guys did you end up seeing? I didn't plan on doing anything to anyone. It happened after a few relationships that were headed towards marriage didn't work out and I felt completely taken for granted. I just didn't want to let my guard down again and be available and get hurt. And in teh process, found that men responded with much enthusiasm when I wasn't very available. I was young. It was fun. No one got hurt. Ok maybe one guy did, but it wasn't intentional. I'm not sure what you meant by your last question. I've dated a lot since then. After that phase though, to be honest, I went through my good looking loser phase. I think I was a practicing commitmentphobe by that point. I figured if I was going to get hurt by average guys, may as well date the models and it'll be roughly the same but maybe better sex. Yeah I said it.
Author daphne Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 He's probably looking for someone who wants to be in a relationship. Generally if girls aren't putting out, they are looking to string guys along while they bang "bros" on the weekend. Not true. You need to take off that inflexible hardened lens of yours. I'm an old fashioned girl. I want sex with one guy. I want to know what I'm getting into, however, before I go there so I don't get attached to an ***hole.
Nexus One Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I didn't fully appreciate why you attached that video. Was it because she was a bit snarky at any mis step the guys made? I don't think that's playing hard to get. That's stuff out of mean girls kind of. You mentioned men love to chase. Several guys in this thread said they don't enjoy it, but do it because they have to, but you either ignored them or disregarded their opinion. The reason I posted the link was to show that during dating many guys aren't comfortable in their skin at all and dating IS part of the chase. My point was that it isn't a universal truth at all that men like chasing. That's the only reason I attached that video, as supporting evidence. So my actual point is that you might be misinterpreting those men liking the chase.
Author daphne Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Aren't we close in age? I'm 32. I'm in the periphery, but older.
Author daphne Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 If I am reading you OP properly. You seriously can't be mad. These guys are now just doing to you what you have done for years. Sigh ... oh well. I don't think I said I was mad. Disappointed, perhaps.
Author daphne Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Interesting that you brought this up. I'm definitely in the move slower camp since I'm not look looking for a quick screw but women often misinterpret my advances as friendship. I may be going a bit off topic, but how do women, actually want men to act? Some, Depends on where they are in life. If they want a healthy relationship, many will prefer it slow. But it really is individual. I think it can only be good for a guy to take it slow because it kinda drives women crazy. If you feel good in your skin and quiet confidence, moving slow is an aphrodisiac for women because they wonder if they're doing it for you so they'll probably try a little harder.
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