Being hard to get - a double edged sword

[daphne]

I am struggling right now with dualing thoughts on my previous/current patterns of behavior when I date. I learned very early on that being a challenge kept men interested. I learned how to get men to pursue without making an effort. If any effort was involved, it was being detached and friendly. Killing them with cold sweetness. I was in control and to be honest, I could tell that the men enjoyed my aloofness. I felt a little sadistic, but it went along with my anger at men for being so fickle. It was a complete aphrodisiac to these men.

 

It was an interesting time and I found myself stringing along a handful of guys, with no real interest in a relationship. I didn't date any of them, but we were in the same circles and they pursued. Several of these men pursued me FOR YEARS. Two of them still have feelings for me, even though one is married. Last year he got drunk at a company function and told me I was beautiful in front of his wife and our colleagues, much to my embarrassment and chagrin. I understand that unrequited love/lust is a powerful thing.

 

I was jaded and fearful of actually being available. A budding commitmentphobe, perhaps. And now, I found myself wanting a relationship. I have for a while. But I find that, time after time, when I actually give a real guy a chance, one that never would have had it before, he fails to remain interested enough to continue pursuing like he initially did. It's really reinforcing my old beliefs that men really do like a challenge. And boy, do I know how to give one.

 

The problem with this, however, is that i lose respect. I want to be able to continue being available for teh guy who does get it and knows what he wants and isn't just looking for the challenge. But at this rate, I feel like I'm more out to teach a few lessons because I have little patience or respect left. And I'll be honest. I have noticed that the colder I am about rejection, the more desperate the guy is to try to get me. The nicer I am, the more disinterested.

 

So I'm at a loss. If you are always a challenge, you never let anyone in. You never have a relationship. You play a role and you know that the people that pursue you for it, will lose respect if you ever let your guard down. But if you're warm and emotionally available, you're not as highly prized.

[Mad Max]

Forgive me, but I fail to see the point of this thread. What message are you trying to send?

[daphne]

Great. The first person who posts is on my ignore list.

[smudge21]

The way you describe your past is like your reading my current ex's life. She craves that attention, but like you, she will eventually move past this. In fact, you're so like her, I should be asking you how I should deal with her...!

 

Sadly, as I've posted elsewhere, people always want what they can't have and therefore you do still have to play that game. In the past you've not really wanted anything serious so you've been able to play it distant just right. Now that's all changed and you want something more, so now you may be coming across as too keen. You need to find that fine line between keen and distant.

 

My advice would be to get to know the guy first, copy his behavior. Text him as frequent as he does you. Same for phone calls or any other form of contact. Treat him as a friend first and get to know him as you would any friend, male or female. Yes, you will still need to be a bit distant as everyone loves the thrill of the chase.

[Nukulus]

I honestly think you're dating the wrong type of guys. I know it's cliche to say so, but if a guy is legitimately interested in you and a relationship then you being interested and inviting is only going to make them want to move forward, not become fickle and disinterested. This is coming from a guy who at the moment would like to get into a real relationship. I'm at a point now where I'd like to start sharing my life with someone, and if the women I was interested in acted interested in me I would be ecastic.

 

Anyway, all people do this, and I chock it up to them not actually wanting a relationship. I had the exact situation you did but it's reversed. A girl becomes interested in me, I reciprocate, she becomes disinterested.... WTF?

 

Anyways I don't know what to tell you other than to not be aloof and distinterested. Because, coming from a guy, that's just going to piss off the one guy that is legit.

[Mad Max]

Anyways I don't know what to tell you other than to not be aloof and distinterested. Because, coming from a guy, that's just going to piss off the one guy that is legit.

 

 

Agreed. I automatically lose any interest in a woman that acts aloof.

[daphne]

The way you describe your past is like your reading my current ex's life. She craves that attention, but like you, she will eventually move past this. In fact, you're so like her, I should be asking you how I should deal with her...!

 

Sadly, as I've posted elsewhere, people always want what they can't have and therefore you do still have to play that game. In the past you've not really wanted anything serious so you've been able to play it distant just right. Now that's all changed and you want something more, so now you may be coming across as too keen. You need to find that fine line between keen and distant.

 

My advice would be to get to know the guy first, copy his behavior. Text him as frequent as he does you. Same for phone calls or any other form of contact. Treat him as a friend first and get to know him as you would any friend, male or female. Yes, you will still need to be a bit distant as everyone loves the thrill of the chase.

 

How old is she? I know my reasons for behaving that way were because I had been disappointed in a couple of relationships where I had been emotionally available and teh guy took it for granted. It was my way of trying to reset the interest level to high. I hate being taken for granted.

 

She may be doing it as a defense mechanism. That's what I feel I was doing. Attention's great, but I ultimately didn't want to get hurt again.

 

I am never too keen early on. I show interest but don't go gaga. I have learned that until I know someone on a consistent basis, I have no reason to go gaga. I do treat them as a friend. I just don't wear the persona that's evaluating them and watching them squirm. I'm much more down to earth about it.

 

So Smudge, don't you want your ex because you can't have her fully?

[smudge21]

A girl becomes interested in me, I reciprocate, she becomes disinterested.... WTF?

 

You took the words out of my life mate.

[daphne]

I honestly think you're dating the wrong type of guys. I know it's cliche to say so, but if a guy is legitimately interested in you and a relationship then you being interested and inviting is only going to make them want to move forward, not become fickle and disinterested. This is coming from a guy who at the moment would like to get into a real relationship. I'm at a point now where I'd like to start sharing my life with someone, and if the women I was interested in acted interested in me I would be ecastic.

 

Anyway, all people do this, and I chock it up to them not actually wanting a relationship. I had the exact situation you did but it's reversed. A girl becomes interested in me, I reciprocate, she becomes disinterested.... WTF?

 

Anyways I don't know what to tell you other than to not be aloof and distinterested. Because, coming from a guy, that's just going to piss off the one guy that is legit.

 

Nuke,

 

I appreciate your viewpoint. However, I don't think that this is just the wrong guys. I think you did hit on something though. It's when a guy doesn't really want a relationship. Or when he doesn't know what he wants. But women are almost as bad as guys about this. It's universal.

 

I think my fear is going back to the behaviors that kept things from progressing in the past and scaring off the one guy that might really be good for me and is ready to stop playing games and have fun. I don't find teh games to be fun at all.

[daphne]

What kills me is that the last guy I went out with was gung ho crazy about me from the first time we met and seemed to be surprised that I still wanted to go out with him. I gave it a chance, despite the lack of challenge (cos I don't really need that), and he's the one that lost interest!

 

[waynebrady]

The way you describe your past is like your reading my current ex's life. She craves that attention, but like you, she will eventually move past this. In fact, you're so like her, I should be asking you how I should deal with her...!

 

Sadly, as I've posted elsewhere, people always want what they can't have and therefore you do still have to play that game. In the past you've not really wanted anything serious so you've been able to play it distant just right. Now that's all changed and you want something more, so now you may be coming across as too keen. You need to find that fine line between keen and distant.

 

My advice would be to get to know the guy first, copy his behavior. Text him as frequent as he does you. Same for phone calls or any other form of contact. Treat him as a friend first and get to know him as you would any friend, male or female. Yes, you will still need to be a bit distant as everyone loves the thrill of the chase.

 

Everyone loves the thrill of the chase? Everyone as in every man? Thats ridicilous(no offence) alot of men do not like the chase at all. But heres the thing. We chase because we HAVE to, you make us chase you because you like to be chased, if a man doesn't chase he will always be alone because virtually all women play hard to get(as proven in the OP).

 

I used to think I would never ever chase a woman but now I'm thinking I would do it if I liked the woman enough, I would prefer not to have a woman who plays games and makes me chase her. But if thats the way it's gonna be then thats the way it is. I could probably learn to atleast somewhat enjoy it eventually but love it? Eh how about No.

 

We chase because you make us too not because we love it.

[daphne]

A girl becomes interested in me, I reciprocate, she becomes disinterested.... WTF?

 

You took the words out of my life mate.

 

Were you showing full on interest? How long before she lost it?

[smudge21]

How old is she? I know my reasons for behaving that way were because I had been disappointed in a couple of relationships where I had been emotionally available and teh guy took it for granted. It was my way of trying to reset the interest level to high. I hate being taken for granted.

 

She may be doing it as a defense mechanism. That's what I feel I was doing. Attention's great, but I ultimately didn't want to get hurt again.

 

So Smudge, don't you want your ex because you can't have her fully?

 

She is young, only 21, but very mature for her age (very smart, intelligent and we do have a great connection mentally). She loves attention, partly due to not getting it as child, but I do also know that she has dated the sort of guys who were pretty much only interested in the trophy-lay, if you get my meaning. Her previous bf just used her for sex, but she kept going back (probably because he was playing her very well). I met her a month afterwards, over a month later we were together. So yeah, what you say about being taken for granted could be it.

 

She has since gone back with her live-in friend/boyfriend (now fiance) that she's known since school and has been on and off with for ages. He's a nice guy, and pretty much a puppy dog for her. He does everything for her (even though she's left him four times previously). I see him as the safety net, whereas I'm the risk. It's sad too as to everyone who know's us, they all say we should get together due to how good we are together. Sadly, I can't see it happening. She goes hot and cold with me and at the moment I'm going NC with her, which will lead to her getting in touch. My one regret is never telling her how I truly feel, even though I'm sure she knows.

[Nukulus]

Well I didn't mean the wrong "type" of guys as suggesting you're attracted to a type of guy that inherently suck. I suppose I mean that these guys doing this are not where you need them to be for whatever reason (maturity, just not ready, likes playing games, etc) for a relationship to continue.

 

So you are absolutely right when you say it's a double edged sword. You either deal with the games, wear your heart on your sleeve and risk being hurt/finding a good guy. So that's high risk/high reward.

 

Or alternatively you put up walls and never let yourself become too interested and you potentially miss out on a genuine guy.

 

I think that a happy medium, if one even exists in this case, is the place to be. Being kind and receptive to those who show interest, while also just taking your time. It may take a bit of time, but hopefully in the process you'll weed out any "game players" before you develop actual feeling for them...

 

It's a **** situation really. Part of the reason why I loathe dating... Best of Luck!

[tigressA]

I've been going through this nonstop since breaking up with my ex in November. All but 1 guy (who I rejected) in my multi-dating log flaked out on me after either one or two dates. I hadn't chased, but I was receptive to all contact, expressed interest in seeing them again...then they disappeared. I'm convinced that the guy I went out with a couple days ago is going to do the exact same thing even though we made plans for tomorrow while still on our date.

 

The problem is, as you stated earlier, that there are so many people out there dating who have no clue what they want and just like the attention they get. Now that I think about it, all the guys who flaked on me were a bit too open-minded, if you know what I mean. They talked about "meeting new people", "whatever happens", etc--nothing explicit about what they wanted relationship-wise. That's probably the first big warning sign of an attention-whoring flake. If you continue to express interest appropriately (without going overboard) and just reciprocating on the same level as the guy, one will come along who will see your interest as a positive thing and want to move forward with you.

[Hules]

Someone posted a similar thread not long ago so i'm going to quote myself.

 

"Let me tell you the whole hard to get act will backfire on any guy who has any self respect. He will say "see you later" quicker than you can give him the cold shoulder.

 

I know personally when I notice a girl I'm interested in starts acting cold or playing hard to get I move on very quickly I take it as a sign shes not interested and figure its a waste of my time and hers to continue pursuing her."

 

Yes guys generally like to chase to an extent those been the key words. You start acting cold and they continue to pursue they either have low-self esteem and no self respect (no value for themselves or their time) or both.

 

Playing hard to get is great to boost your ego, not to get a meaningful relationship. If a guy stops showing interest, its not because you didn't play hard to get its because hes not interested. Simple as that.

[daphne]

She is young, only 21, but very mature for her age (very smart, intelligent and we do have a great connection mentally). She loves attention, partly due to not getting it as child, but I do also know that she has dated the sort of guys who were pretty much only interested in the trophy-lay, if you get my meaning. Her previous bf just used her for sex, but she kept going back (probably because he was playing her very well). I met her a month afterwards, over a month later we were together. So yeah, what you say about being taken for granted could be it.

 

She has since gone back with her live-in friend/boyfriend (now fiance) that she's known since school and has been on and off with for ages. He's a nice guy, and pretty much a puppy dog for her. He does everything for her (even though she's left him four times previously). I see him as the safety net, whereas I'm the risk. It's sad too as to everyone who know's us, they all say we should get together due to how good we are together. Sadly, I can't see it happening. She goes hot and cold with me and at the moment I'm going NC with her, which will lead to her getting in touch. My one regret is never telling her how I truly feel, even though I'm sure she knows.

 

I got married young. I'll go out on a limb and say that's most likely not going to last.

 

I'm not sure if you're saying that you took her for granted, or her ex before you. She's awful young so she hasn't worked out the kinks from her past. It sounds more like she's trying to squeeze blood from a turnip with the guys she's dated in the past. I didn't do that. My challenge was in getting, not being obtained. Different motivations, I believe. Hers seems a bit more masochistic, mine was a bit more of teh opposite.

 

How are you the risk? You don't let her treat you poorly? I would suggest that if she does require a challenge, telling her how you feel might not be a good idea. That's a W for her..

[Nukulus]

Were you showing full on interest? How long before she lost it?

 

 

Well I found out through the grape vine she had a crush on me ( for how long I don't know). So over the course of a three weeks maybe we started hanging out and getting to know each other. Culminating in a night out where we had our first kiss (awww) and such. Everything was great. We had fun, we could talk, no awkward pauses, good attraction levels, her friends loved me. I thought I was golden.

 

However after that night she went on vacation with her roommate for a week to the beach. She came back and told me she was getting back together with her ex (they had dated for 6 months and then had been broken up for 7 months). Everything I heard about this guys indicated he was a douche.... But what can you do. They only lasted like 2-3 months before she dumped him again... With her I think it was a combination of three things. 1. Poor timing ( I just happened to start seeing her right when he confesses his love for her ). 2. I think she is one of those girls who likes drama, and in that respect I'm pretty boring. 3. She's a flake and doesn't know what the hell she wants.

 

For what it's worth she was 22 and me 24, we're both in grad school.

[waynebrady]

If a guy stops showing interest, its not because you didn't play hard to get its because hes not interested.

 

Exactly. The guy can lose intrest for all kinds of reasons just as the woman can lose intrest too.

 

OP: How many men don't you think have experienced that the woman lost intrest and they eventually got rejected?

 

It seems when things don't work out, you are so quick to say that it's because you didn't play hard to get enough. When in fact, not every person you date is gonna turn into a relationship anyway... People lose intrest all the time for all kinds of reasons. Thats life.

 

It's really just an excuse so you can play hard to get because its YOU who infact enjoys playing it. Thats what I think. And when I say you I'm also talking about most women and not just you.

[daphne]

I've been going through this nonstop since breaking up with my ex in November. All but 1 guy (who I rejected) in my multi-dating log flaked out on me after either one or two dates. I hadn't chased, but I was receptive to all contact, expressed interest in seeing them again...then they disappeared. I'm convinced that the guy I went out with a couple days ago is going to do the exact same thing even though we made plans for tomorrow while still on our date.

 

The problem is, as you stated earlier, that there are so many people out there dating who have no clue what they want and just like the attention they get. Now that I think about it, all the guys who flaked on me were a bit too open-minded, if you know what I mean. They talked about "meeting new people", "whatever happens", etc--nothing explicit about what they wanted relationship-wise. That's probably the first big warning sign of an attention-whoring flake. If you continue to express interest appropriately (without going overboard) and just reciprocating on the same level as the guy, one will come along who will see your interest as a positive thing and want to move forward with you.

 

Ahhhh... you do feel my pain. I think online dating adds an extremeness to this whole thing. There's an element that "wow, if I can get her interest, I can possibly get the interest of all of these other women out there too." So they keep hunting. And some circle back when they've hunted them all and found that wasn't the case.

 

Very observant on the flakey talk. There has only been one guy that didn't talk about "if it happens it happens" and was fairly clear on what he wanted and to be honest, on paper I was IT with some whipped cream on top. Unfortunately, he didn't pass the relationship skills test and we were at a stand off so he clearly didn't want a relationship badly enough. I do feel that we were both very disappointed though.

 

The thing is, I do know what I want at the core. I think I'm a rare thing online though!

 

Oh, and like you I was receptive not overly keen. I gotta go back and read your whole thread. Are you still multi-dating?

[smudge21]

I got married young. I'll go out on a limb and say that's most likely not going to last.

 

How are you the risk? You don't let her treat you poorly? I would suggest that if she does require a challenge, telling her how you feel might not be a good idea. That's a W for her..

 

Yeah I can't see it lasting. She can't surely respect him for taking her back 4 times and if you were to see them together - well, you wouldn't actually. There's more pics of her and me on her Facebook then there are of him.

 

I'm just the risk by being something new and different. She did say I was not like other guys she's been with, probably because I love her and they didn't. So I just meant risk as in unknown.

[Mad Max]

It's really just an excuse so you can play hard to get because its YOU who infact enjoys playing it.

 

 

I've been here six months and I think this is the first time I agree with you. But then you come back with this:

 

 

Thats what I think. And when I say you I'm also talking about most women and not just you.

[daphne]

Well I didn't mean the wrong "type" of guys as suggesting you're attracted to a type of guy that inherently suck. I suppose I mean that these guys doing this are not where you need them to be for whatever reason (maturity, just not ready, likes playing games, etc) for a relationship to continue.

 

So you are absolutely right when you say it's a double edged sword. You either deal with the games, wear your heart on your sleeve and risk being hurt/finding a good guy. So that's high risk/high reward.

 

Or alternatively you put up walls and never let yourself become too interested and you potentially miss out on a genuine guy.

 

I think that a happy medium, if one even exists in this case, is the place to be. Being kind and receptive to those who show interest, while also just taking your time. It may take a bit of time, but hopefully in the process you'll weed out any "game players" before you develop actual feeling for them...

 

It's a **** situation really. Part of the reason why I loathe dating... Best of Luck!

 

Gotcha. That does make sense. As I get older, I stop asking myself what it is about me and realize that they're just not there yet. I've had to understand that a high interest level does not mean a high interest level in developing and maintaining a relationship. I'd say the guys who really do want a relationship tend to want to take things a bit slower so they know what they're getting into, much like me.

 

I've been doing just that... taking my time and being receptive. It has weeded them all out, if that tells you anything. Most are in an extreme hurry. Most of them talk about the future together. Many of them try to plan trips in the first month of dating. It's kind of funny when I think about how hurried these guys are to move things along to intimacy or an illusion of a relationship.

 

Good luck to you too. It's a grind.

[Woggle]

Plenty of men go through the same thing with women so it is not just a gender thing. It seems that with many women if you truly do care she runs the other way but when you string her along and act cold and aloof she is all over you. I know between marriages I had no interest in a relationship and I had the player mentality which made the women just come back for more.

 

If you truly want a relationship playing these games won't work and quite honestly holding this kind of power over insecure drama freaks gets old very fast. I met a woman who doesn't run the other way when you love her back but if I never did I probably would have just enjoyed singlehood instead of playing these games.

 

I would also see if you are subconsciously pursuing men like this.

[tigressA]

Oh, and like you I was receptive not overly keen. I gotta go back and read your whole thread. Are you still multi-dating?

 

No, I'm not multi-dating anymore. I quit that by New Year's. Since then I had just decided to lay back and see who would come to me, go one at a time. There have been two. I went out with one guy twice but I just wasn't attracted enough, so I ended that. Then there's a guy I went out with Thursday who I'd like to see again but I'm wondering if he'll flake out like all the others who I expressed interest in seeing.

 

That's also something I noticed--guys who seem more interested in a relationship will want to move slower overall than guys who aren't. Guys who are into casual hookups/dating will want to up the investment quickly so that you feel comfortable enough with them to want to f*ck. They'll talk about the future; they'll call you sweetie or babe, basically act like instant boyfriend--false intimacy. Then they run once they have what they want.