flowergirl77 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Hi all, As I am working through another layer of the mess of my life..I am wondering. How long can I blame the "affair fog" for my feelings not returning for my H? I have been away from OM for almost 3 months now, and nothing has really changed, I am still thinking of leaving, and can't imagine staying with my H after all that has happened. I am here mainly b/c of our children right now, and if I had the means financially, I would leave to take us all out of this misery and move on. How long should I wait "to see" if my feelings change for my H? Or is it just over? I am so messed up, and can't see straight!
carhill Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 For myself, as a MM, it was around a year, but that was with MC. When the fog lifted, I discovered that both relationships were incompatible and unhealthy. YMMV on that one. The counseling helped a lot. As an OM, untreated, it went on for a number of years, even with NC. That's likely anomalous, being a male datapoint. A woman would more likely move on to other R's and not remain 'stuck'. I've seen some commonalities with the OM's who've posted on LS over the years. If/when we do bond elementally, we don't give it up easily. The ones who do it for sexual gratification have it easier. IMO, not knowing your details, job one should be clarifying the 'state of the marriage' irrespective of the affair, and then fit the affair dynamic into that mix. Does your H want to recover the M? Why?
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Flower, I can't remember, but are you seeking one on one counselling as well as marriage counselling? (make sure it's the same person for both) If you feel this messed up and after 3 months the affair fog is still there, you can't see straight, then maybe a trial separation is necessary. Maybe you need to be by yourself to figure this out. NO contact with the OM and minimal contact with your H, only stuff about the kids, the house, finances etc.. I don't know how long it takes, it all depends on if you truly are remorseful and willing to stick this out, do your absolute best to dig down deep and bring up those buried feelings for your H. Can you live with yourself in a year or two, you realize you didn't try your best and then you have so much regret? After being on your own, living life without your kids 24/7, your house, your husband, the life you had.. All of it gone, then once real consquences are felt, and you realize you're alone, what then? Will you feel happy or relieved to be on your own? With your kids for part of the time, different house, different life. Don't give up out of frustration or fear. This takes time. If your H is willing to work with you, then for your kids sake, his sake and the fact that you DID love him and had kids with him, married him, its' worth giving it your best before walking away. What are you doing to be pro active about gettting out of the affair fog?
issohard Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Flower.. The fog might go away and might not. In my situation I don't think that A would change my decision of leaving. I still want to leave my H and even I try so hard I don't think we meant to be together.I wish I was financially stable so I could walk away today. I am not happy with my H and I would probably never be. I am lucky we don't have kids yet so it makes this less complicated. I give myself few more months ... And for you my luv you need to be strong and be happy with what you have not you cannot. Best wishes I wish you the best
fooled once Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Hi all, As I am working through another layer of the mess of my life..I am wondering. How long can I blame the "affair fog" for my feelings not returning for my H? I have been away from OM for almost 3 months now, and nothing has really changed, I am still thinking of leaving, and can't imagine staying with my H after all that has happened. I am here mainly b/c of our children right now, and if I had the means financially, I would leave to take us all out of this misery and move on. How long should I wait "to see" if my feelings change for my H? Or is it just over? I am so messed up, and can't see straight! It is different for each person. If you truly have no feelings of love left for your H (and you can't compare the "love" you feel/felt for the MM with the love for your H because it is like comparing apples and wagons) - then it is time to leave. So really, from what I am reading in your post, if you had the money, you would leave. So are you working? Are you trying to gather the means to leave? Can you go stay with a friend for a bit to truly see if divorce is what you want? You have to want to be with your spouse. Your feelings won't just change unless you are actively working on them changing. And it sounds more like you are still to invested in the xMM. Have you spoken openly and honestly with your H about your feelings?
jwi71 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Hi all, As I am working through another layer of the mess of my life..I am wondering. How long can I blame the "affair fog" for my feelings not returning for my H? I have been away from OM for almost 3 months now, and nothing has really changed, I am still thinking of leaving, and can't imagine staying with my H after all that has happened. I am here mainly b/c of our children right now, and if I had the means financially, I would leave to take us all out of this misery and move on. How long should I wait "to see" if my feelings change for my H? Or is it just over? I am so messed up, and can't see straight! I think you have answered your own question with phrases such as "blame the fog", "still thinking of leaving" and "can't imagine staying". No way you can reinvest in your H - not with that attitude. So file NOW. As far as financially, you will get CS and maybe alimony too. If you don't have a job - get one. Go one welfare if you must while you pick up the pieces of your life. Simplify your life in terms of material goods and LEAVE. If you must, end whatever therapy you are in to save money. What is the BARE minimum you need to live (rent, power, water, food, transportation)? Can you earn that amount from CS, alimony, your job, friends, family, OM(?), welfare systems? Its your life so its up to you but I would leave.
East7 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 How long can I blame the "affair fog" for my feelings not returning for my H? How long should I wait "to see" if my feelings change for my H? Or is it just over? I am so messed up, and can't see straight! Hi Flower, This is a situation that dissipates gradually after the A has ended. IME it lasted about 3 months, but it depends on personality / situation. You don't sound remorseful about the A otherwise the fog would have been lifted faster. Also, if you ever had real love for you H it is sometimes possible to fuel it again but if you feel really miserable the best is to let him free to find someone that loves him and you start a new life. He is not responsible for your limbo state. If it is really a finances issue, I suggest that you make a plan with all the practical adjustments, new job, moving in another area, whatever...and you stick with it. No miracle solution is going to fall in front of you if you don't work on a plan.
Summer Breeze Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Hi all, As I am working through another layer of the mess of my life..I am wondering. How long can I blame the "affair fog" for my feelings not returning for my H? I have been away from OM for almost 3 months now, and nothing has really changed, I am still thinking of leaving, and can't imagine staying with my H after all that has happened. I am here mainly b/c of our children right now, and if I had the means financially, I would leave to take us all out of this misery and move on. How long should I wait "to see" if my feelings change for my H? Or is it just over? I am so messed up, and can't see straight! I asked my xMM this several years ago and he shot back 'how long does it take to fall out of love'.
Owl Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Hi all, As I am working through another layer of the mess of my life..I am wondering. How long can I blame the "affair fog" for my feelings not returning for my H? I have been away from OM for almost 3 months now, and nothing has really changed, I am still thinking of leaving, and can't imagine staying with my H after all that has happened. I am here mainly b/c of our children right now, and if I had the means financially, I would leave to take us all out of this misery and move on. How long should I wait "to see" if my feelings change for my H? Or is it just over? I am so messed up, and can't see straight! I think I've asked you this before in another thread, and I don't recall your answer...so if you've already answered and I've missed it, I apologize. What are you actively doing to rebuild/recover your marriage? What are you and your H doing to fix things/reconcile? Marriage counseling? Individual counseling? Are you 'courting'? What active steps are the two of you taking? From my experience...that is one of the key factors in determining how long the fog lasts. The more effort you put into reconciliation/rebuilding...the faster the fog clears.
UntoldStory Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I'm not bringing any new insight to the table here, but IME the "fog" lasted until xMM went abruptly NC for 3 months without giving me a great answer for why. However, then there was the pain of the sudden withdrawal symptoms, and then the ongoing, deeper, even more troubling pain of having lost a good friend. When he reappeared, I would say the fog had definitely lifted, and/but we continued the EA in a much more laid back way for another 6 months until I found out his W was preg with their 3rd child..... LOL! It really has been quite a year. BTW, that pain of having lost a friend continues. It probably always will. But that won't stop me from moving on. Back to the point, however -- my realization that something was terribly wrong with my marriage hit me immediately after I recognized how strong my feelings were for this other man. Unfortunately I had never felt anything close to that for my H because i hadn't realized it was possible. So we went to MC for a few months, but that only clarified my position that I needed to get out. Hope that helps!
MrWondering Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Hi all, As I am working through another layer of the mess of my life..I am wondering. How long can I blame the "affair fog" for my feelings not returning for my H? I have been away from OM for almost 3 months now, and nothing has really changed, I am still thinking of leaving, and can't imagine staying with my H after all that has happened. I am here mainly b/c of our children right now, and if I had the means financially, I would leave to take us all out of this misery and move on. How long should I wait "to see" if my feelings change for my H? Or is it just over? I am so messed up, and can't see straight! Yes you are quite messed up. Where else are you going to find a man that would be willing to stand by and endure all that you have put your husband through in the last few months? Your feelings won't just magically change for your husband...the two of you need to work a infidelity recovery program TOGETHER. You didn't fall in lust with your MM overnight...I presume you spent time with him (maybe lots of time), had endless thoughts and dreams of MM and exchanged countless text messages, emails and phone calls over the course of several weeks/months before arriving at the conclusion he was your true assoulmate. Thus...your feelings for MM followed your actions. Likewise, your new feelings for your husband (the same feelings you had for your BH originally only DOUBLED because now you KNOW he loves you completely b/c how else can you explain him still being there wanting to recover) can come back if you take a series of prescribed actions that will result in eventual renewed feelings. It starts with spending 15-20 hours a week together meeting your most important emotional needs (which are specifically identified using an emotional needs worksheet) with particular emphasis on the most intimate emotional needs (sex, conversation, admiration). Fake it until you make it. Your "feelings" will follow your actions. My wife and I used Dr. Harley's marriage builders program to save and restore our marriage. Our marriage is ten times better than it ever was prior to her affair in 2005. She felt hopeless at around the 3 month mark too, but we persevered and made it out the other side. I encourage you to become PROACTIVE and find a plan and WORK IT...TOGETHER. Again...it won't happen on it's own. On the other hand, IF you do choose to throw in the towel, I think it's only fair that you leave with your personal items and give your husband primary custody of the children. He didn't quit on the marriage. He didn't cheat. He didn't sign up to be an every other weekend visitor in his children's lives. You move out and get a job. He may not have been perfect but cheating is NEVER justified. Accept the consequences of your poor choices and let him go without any fight whatsoever (maybe ask for a settlement the size of the attorney fees you'll otherwise save by not fighting him for anything). Mr. W
Author flowergirl77 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 I think I've asked you this before in another thread, and I don't recall your answer...so if you've already answered and I've missed it, I apologize. What are you actively doing to rebuild/recover your marriage? What are you and your H doing to fix things/reconcile? Marriage counseling? Individual counseling? Are you 'courting'? What active steps are the two of you taking? From my experience...that is one of the key factors in determining how long the fog lasts. The more effort you put into reconciliation/rebuilding...the faster the fog clears. Thanks for inquiring OWL: We are in a financial nightmare right now with either of us working (H has been laid of and is looking for work, as am I) so affording IC/MC is an issue, but it is in the plan once things stabilize a bit. We are working through the book His Needs, Her Needs, as well as the website marriagebuilders.com (awesome site for affair/marriage recovery) We are doing a marriage workshop called Love & Respect through a church in town. We are making more efforts to communicate as well. We are going away together this Saturday..on a day trip while a friend has the kids for a sleepover..we haven't been away together alone in almost a year..so that should be a positive. Problem has been I have been to wrapped up in my affair feelings to be able to put much into the M, just being honest here..I am feeling a little more ready to work on things, and consider my H needs..when I was just coming out of my A, I didn't even want to look at what I needed to do because I wanted to leave, not work on things. Now I feel more like I CAN put effort into it..but the OM is still on my mind, and I wish he wasn't. In everything I do, he pops into my head. It drives me crazy. But I have NOT acted on these feelings, and have remained NC. My H got an accidental glimpse of my journal today, and he saw i wrote that I am still 'obsessing' over OM...so we got into it again. I explained that while I am not over it all yet, I am making the necessary steps to get over it, and am trying to do the right thing here, and it will take time. He says he just doesn't understand why I can't just get over it, and why OM seems to mean more to me than he does. I explained that is not the case. This has been very difficult to see my way out of...I almost left my H, but something told me to stay. Now we have agreed to actively work on building our M..if I still feel this way after an honest attempt to rekindle some good feelings (give it a few months) I will make plans to leave. I don't want to put him through anymore hurt-and I do feel remorseful that I have been the cause of his pain.
MrWondering Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 So glad to see you working MB. Most of the information is free on the website and the books are cheap. My wife and I listened to HNHN on a cd/audio version on a roadtrip back in 2005. Since you have the book I suggest reading it OUT LOUD to each other. It was one of our first break-throughs. Tell me/us about your husband 1. What made you fall in love with him back when you got married? 2. Tell me/us about your wedding day? 3. What would you consider the perfect marriage? Mr. Wondering
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 You're in NC mode with exOM, but are you doing NC in your head as well? Meaning, do you allow yourself to miss, reminise, fantasize, about exOM? Sexually or otherwise? Or, are you pushing thoughts of him OUT of your head immediately? How pro active are you in that sense? I would hope you'd give things more than 2-3 months, even more so when the fog FINALLY does lift. What if you leave and divorce proceedings start, then all of a sudden those feelings you've buried for your H come rushing back? And you're full of regret?
MrWondering Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 oh yeah...I did have a long response above you may have missed while preparing your response to my friend Owl (he's an MB veteran as well).
anne1707 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Since you have the book I suggest reading it OUT LOUD to each other. It was one of our first break-throughs. Or you could do what my H and I did. We had two copies of the book. We would both read a chapter at the same time (and same room!) and then talk about it - how we felt, thoughts, how we saw each other in that context. It really helped us open up and talk about what mattered most.
MrWondering Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Or you could do what my H and I did. We had two copies of the book. We would both read a chapter at the same time (and same room!) and then talk about it - how we felt, thoughts, how we saw each other in that context. It really helped us open up and talk about what mattered most. Precisely....doing it TOGETHER and processing the information TOGETHER. In fact, the conversations were more important (and memorable) than the content of the book at that time. However, I like recommending car discussions because men feel much more comfortable speaking about emotional issues in an car while driving. They are trapped but don't feel trapped and there is minimal non-verbal communication. Men are more comfortable side to side than face to face. Also...emotional conversations are often tedious to men...but on a roadtrip they don't mind them because they kill time (while they are otherwise being productive making time on the roadtrip). Although in this situation....he is the one that is likely pushing the emotional conversations and SHE is the one that would benefit the most from face to face, eye to eye communication. So do whichever. Mr. W
JaneyAmazed Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 The more effort you put into reconciliation/rebuilding...the faster the fog clears. This is true. I put as much effort as possible into rebuilding and the fog lifted fast. I've mentioned before that once in a while I do miss xOM, but I am not in the fog anymore. It's still a daily process of rebuilding and focusing my marriage. It works. The more I work on my marriage, the less xOM takes up my thoughts.
JaneyAmazed Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I'm not bringing any new insight to the table here, but IME the "fog" lasted until xMM went abruptly NC for 3 months without giving me a great answer for why. However, then there was the pain of the sudden withdrawal symptoms, and then the ongoing, deeper, even more troubling pain of having lost a good friend. When he reappeared, I would say the fog had definitely lifted, and/but we continued the EA in a much more laid back way for another 6 months until I found out his W was preg with their 3rd child..... LOL! It really has been quite a year. BTW, that pain of having lost a friend continues. It probably always will. But that won't stop me from moving on. Back to the point, however -- my realization that something was terribly wrong with my marriage hit me immediately after I recognized how strong my feelings were for this other man. Unfortunately I had never felt anything close to that for my H because i hadn't realized it was possible. So we went to MC for a few months, but that only clarified my position that I needed to get out. Hope that helps! It's funny but I do miss the friendship I had with xOM more than the romantic stuff, but not as much as I did right at first. I've become more of a friend to my H and I share with him the things I would have shared with xOM. I think I'm lucky that I realize that my H is a better man, friend, and lover than xOM so it's not as painful for me. The pain I feel now is mostly for my H and what I've done to him. xOM helped me betray my H so now that I'm out of the fog and my rose colored glasses are off, I see him crystal clear...and it's he's not as "rosey" as I thought.
Albertan Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 You don't sound remorseful about the A otherwise the fog would have been lifted faster. This question intrigues me. Are you sorry?
Author flowergirl77 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 To answer the Q, am I sorry? I wasn't at first, but I am starting to see how much hell I have put my H through..and it is starting to sink in that I have been very selfish, and disrespectful of him. We are reading the HNHN book by Harley, and working through all of the questionares and material on the website. This is a start anyways! I really appreciate all of your advise everyone..I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. All we can do is make the efforts and see where this leads us...if it is meant to end, nothing we do is going to work, but we have to try everything possible before giving up. As I said, It would be easier if I didn't have OM in my head..and yes i do try NOT to think of him, and rem,ind myself of why we wouldn't have worked as a couple anyways. I just miss the friendship as some of you have mentioned. It is like I just immediately cut off a very close friendship-with no closure. Just have to act as if it never happened, and move on.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 It is like I just immediately cut off a very close friendship-with no closure. Just have to act as if it never happened, and move on. All you have to do is read the below and keep on remembering what you put your H through. That in itself hopefully will help you focus on your H and not what you miss about exOM. but I am starting to see how much hell I have put my H through..and it is starting to sink in that I have been very selfish, and disrespectful of him. Another thing, the closure you are looking for is inside of "you". The friendship and the OM are a poison to your marriage. The friendship was self serving and not a healthy one for you or your marriage, your connection to your H. That's how you can try to see it now.
Author flowergirl77 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 All you have to do is read the below and keep on remembering what you put your H through. That in itself hopefully will help you focus on your H and not what you miss about exOM. Another thing, the closure you are looking for is inside of "you". The friendship and the OM are a poison to your marriage. The friendship was self serving and not a healthy one for you or your marriage, your connection to your H. That's how you can try to see it now. I see your point, however; even though it may have been self serving and unhealthy, it was a part of my life that I miss. Keeping those perspectives you mention in mind IS what is keeping me from C OM. That and breaking my H heart all over again. What do you mean by "the closure I am looking for is inside"? How do I find this closure "inside" if I feel I need to get it with OM. I keep thinking of how a final goodbye would play out, and all the things I have not said but would like to. I know this would serve no healthy purpose, so I have not initiated this, but I do feel like it is something that would help me move on...maybe not.
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