It all lines up, but I can't do it

[glues]

Hello good people,

 

This is my first time looking to the internet for relationship advice but I'm too poor to pay for proper counseling and there seem to be some legitimately well versed members on here.

 

I'm 25 years old. I've done a handful of things with my life, but I haven't completed much.

 

I've never been happy in a relationship for more then 3 weeks.

Being a very sensitive and overly-analytical person, I generally know if I don't want to be with someone fairly early on.

 

So with that said, I recently met a girl for the first time in years and she's really gotten under my skin. I should clarify that I have met other girls in the past few years, but this is the first time (since I was 21 or so) I have met someone who I feel there is the potential for a healthy relationship with.

 

So now the issues.

 

My biggest limitation is myself at this moment. We have had 3 dates, kept lots of communication and have phenominal sexual chemistry.

Unfortunately it's the sexual chemistry that started spinning this all out of control for me. Not the story you may expect though.

 

I find meeting a potential partner somewhat terrifying. Because I've never been in a relationship the prospect of fitting someone into my life seems both logically and emotionally impossible. I believe a lot of these feelings stem from my lack of accomplishing much and feeling like a bit of a flat character. Where as she is the most stunning girl I've ever met, hyper intelligent and a social butterfly. Plus she's well connected in many social circles which just adds to my anxiety.

 

So up until yesterday (our 3rd date) I had been dealing with it really well.

Keeping my mind busy with other things, and trying to throw away illogical/immature/insecure thoughts.

 

What happen was that for the past 5 years I've had the equivilent off on and off E.D. It comes and goes. So basically, it's not ED, it's all psychological. However when I start getting heated with a partner I'm already shutting my brain down because I feel as if I already will fail them sexually. Even though I'm very comfortable in foreplay and oral sex.

 

Since she's a very open and straight-to-the-point kind of girl I could tell she was kind of bothered by the fact I wouldn't have sex with her.

And last night I sent her a text at like 3am that was a flirty joke saying I'm going to **** her, and she responded by saying 'pffft, yeah, believe it when I see it'.

 

So now I can't stop thinking about her, I'm ****ing obsessing. I couldn't get to bed last night, and it was the first thing I thought about when I woke up.

Usually i can push it out of my mind, but when it gets like this I start feeling like I'm on the road to destruction.

If I can't get a hold of my thoughts soon then it'll ruin any chance for a potential relationship.

 

And I just ****ing like this girl a lot. Please help.

[Jonno_S]

Help with what, you want us to hold your hand next to you while you're in bed with her? Come on dude, chill out. Just be yourself. Don't make the problems up in your head. It's like being afraid to leave your house because you'll get hit by lightning and it's a sunny day. Just invite her over and see what happens. Don't plan it all out and get bogged down in your not living up to your own imaginary standards. And so what if you screw it up? Lot's of people take a few times to get it right. There are so many real things to worry about in life, why make up more problems?

 

Stop thinking so much about E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

 

If you have ED, tell her. She might know just what to do. But if not, she'll appreciate your honesty. Just talk. Tell her what you said in the post. She'll either think your nutty in a cool way and stay or nutty in a cool way and leave.

[glues]

solid advice Jonno,

 

you are totally right about just trying to level it out. You have to understand though, that this isn't just drama. I'm dealing with significant anxiety and mental 'congestion' here.

 

I'll try to just calm down and keep it cool though.

 

Thanks man.

[Jonno_S]

I know it's not just drama. But remember, it's all between your ears. If 5 billion other people can figure it out, you can too. I swear you can - just stop trying to be and just be. You see?

 

Listen, we all hate ourselves at some point - maybe some don't. But we don't let it interfere with our game face. You're probably a good guy, decent enough. Just be yourself, don't lie, don't abuse, don't treat people as means to an end, listen to her when she talks. Make a joke, laugh at hers. Just have some fun. A little booze will help too - not too much. Just CTFO.

 

Part of the problem is that you think you're out of your league and you've shot the whole relationship down before it even occurred. So, maybe you are out of your league. Does she know that you are? That's her decision, not yours. So go with it dude, follow your heart. Stop thinking.

Edited February 5, 2011 by Jonno_S

[glues]

I know it's not just drama. But remember, it's all between your ears. If 5 billion other people can figure it out, you can too. I swear you can - just stop trying to be and just be. You see?

 

Listen, we all hate ourselves at some point - maybe some don't. But we don't let it interfere with our game face. You're probably a good guy, decent enough. Just be yourself, don't lie, don't abuse, don't treat people as means to an end, listen to her when she talks. Make a joke, laugh at hers. Just have some fun. A little booze will help too - not too much. Just CTFO.

 

Part of the problem is that you think you're out of your league and you've shot the whole relationship down before it even occurred. So, maybe you are out of your league. Does she know that you are? That's her decision, not yours. So go with it dude, follow your heart. Stop thinking.

 

 

Thanks again. That actually helped a bit today. I had a huge anxiety attack, but I got it out of my system and kind of focused on what i CAN do.

Your advice kicked in a bit there.

 

So I'm going to try and just chill and move forward. How would I go about dealing with introducing her to my 'dark' side.

 

To respond to the 'league' part. I don't think I'm out of her league because I don't really believe in leagues.

 

She's a gorgeous sharp minded independant photographer/dj/artist. I'm a street wise/wierd casual photographer/carpenter/gardener.

We're a very unlikely match on paper but it's our different perspectives that actually inspire love and affection between us.

It's healthy.

 

So anyways, how do I ease her into knowing about my anxiety/depression issues? I mean for all I know she struggles with the same things, but she's full of life and I'm just...not. In that sense, I may be out of her league.

I love life and we share many common interests, but my poorly wired brain takes over and I really struggle with connecting to positive emotions (trust me I try, i don't sit around in my apartment winging about it).

 

So even tonight, she wants to go out dancing and I can barely breath i'm so anxious and already had a mini-breakdown today.

I thought I'd just tell her I was feeling sick, but now she wants to take care of me. It's so sweet, but I feel so trapped and don't want to scare her away!

 

I welcome another CTFO.

[Jonno_S]

Thanks again. That actually helped a bit today. I had a huge anxiety attack, but I got it out of my system and kind of focused on what i CAN do.

Your advice kicked in a bit there.

 

So I'm going to try and just chill and move forward. How would I go about dealing with introducing her to my 'dark' side.

 

To respond to the 'league' part. I don't think I'm out of her league because I don't really believe in leagues.

 

She's a gorgeous sharp minded independant photographer/dj/artist. I'm a street wise/wierd casual photographer/carpenter/gardener.

We're a very unlikely match on paper but it's our different perspectives that actually inspire love and affection between us.

It's healthy.

 

So anyways, how do I ease her into knowing about my anxiety/depression issues? I mean for all I know she struggles with the same things, but she's full of life and I'm just...not. In that sense, I may be out of her league.

I love life and we share many common interests, but my poorly wired brain takes over and I really struggle with connecting to positive emotions (trust me I try, i don't sit around in my apartment winging about it).

 

So even tonight, she wants to go out dancing and I can barely breath i'm so anxious and already had a mini-breakdown today.

I thought I'd just tell her I was feeling sick, but now she wants to take care of me. It's so sweet, but I feel so trapped and don't want to scare her away!

 

I welcome another CTFO.

 

See see see? Strengths man - I underlined them. You already know that she likes you so you're not as bad as you think. You already are recognizing your strengths and qualities and you did that amid a freak out session. Think of what you can do when you're on, really on. You can do this. All the pain is between your two ears but so are all the solutions. No where else. You have them - the strengths, the qualities. I like you because you're real and I don't even know you. You are Neo in the first Matrix starting to believe. That is a great sign! Focus there. Ignore weaknesses. They don't exist. Dark side? Oh, yeah, that...later...not now...in time....when necessary...IF necessary. Courtship is your best game face. It gets them into your court when you can show your dark side. But it's not a dark side, everyone has flaws, faults. Don't let them be your story. Your story is cool, carpenter, gardener, you create, you fix, you build with your hands, you grow with your heart. That is you. The other stuff is there too but your strengths outshine the dark. When you eat a steak what do you focus on? The fat? No, you cut it away and eat the good stuff. Just because there's fat, do you toss the steak out? No way man. You are strong, good, great. You can do this. You can do this without thinking. Dating is not a thinking exercise. It's heart, feeling, passion, running in a direction you didn't even know was there until you look down at your feet and realize you're running faster than you've ever run before. Go man go. Go dancing. Slam a shot if you need to. Dancing is the metaphor for you two because you and she will be dancing and having fun and the music is loud but so what and your surrounded by sweaty bumping people but so what because it's just you and her right then in that moment and nothing else! What happens next, later? Who knows, who cares? Because right now is too perfect to think even a second in advance. Tell her she's beautiful, gorgeous. Watch her bloom into you. She will if you chill. Watch her smile when she sees you. Smile back and watch her react. When you see that you'll know. Watch her eyes when you connect with her, when you do something that she thinks is so cool and that you didn't even know existed. Show her what you know, not what you fear. THAT is your story.

Edited February 6, 2011 by Jonno_S

[glues]

That's super positive man.

 

I want to go for it, and I just might, but another part of me is cautious. Plus there is the element to account for that I don't have a game face.

 

I've always been very transparent with how I feel.

 

Both of us are very in-tune with energy. I don't mean that it's something that takes a big concious role in our lives, but definitely a major subconcious role.

 

She said once my energy was very dominant, scarry but exciting. (This was during a more intimate skin on skin interaction)

 

Right now dude, I'm buzzing with anxiousness. I'm fighting the negativity, and you've been super helpful.

 

A part of me wants to let her come over, take care of me and not worry about explaining my blatantly obvious anxious/depressed nature.

 

Part of me is over-thinking and is (I think justly) terrified. Of A. Giving her too much to chew so early into a courtship. and B. Being to emotionally unstable to think clearly and therefor sharing too much(yes I think there is such a thing).

She is definitely the kind of woman who wants a strong man. And I am definitely traditional (Polish heritage) and want to conquer my own demons and be strong for my friends/family/lover.

 

It's a gentle balance, and I WILL find it. Right now though, it's extremely difficult to think. Literally feels like there is beer fuzz in the front of my brain when i get anxiety attacks. This doesn't seem like just a self-perpetuated symptom.

 

Then again, stress can cause a lot of stupid **** that goes away with some strong positive thinking.

 

I do want you to know, as this person trying to help a down and out guy, I do take your advice to heart. Even when i feel numb and awful I look into her eyes and listen to her intently. I focus on that pinch of good I can find and channel it.

 

but I can't down a shot, put a face on and move forward.

Trust me, i've tried to just suck it up and GO.

 

But if I can get a general idea of how to tackle an issue, I can then deal with the physical manifestations enough to be around that person.

[Jonno_S]

You're 1,000 times better than you give yourself credit for. You'll be fine. All will fit in time and place. And even if not, you will have lived, loved and learned. Welcome to the human race, right? You'll do fine. I feel it. Fight the good fight and keep us posted. Your understanding and view of it is far better than many others.

 

Have you looked into meds? I recall you saying you don't have $$ for a psychiatriast. Maybe meds would help.

 

But your resolve is strong. I feel it. You have strength more than most. Look what you're dealing with and not giving up - forcing yourself through it. My words are the truth and you feel it. You have a beautiful mind, you just haven't unearthed it yet.

 

I loved a girl dearly - she was like you. I wanted her to see all these good things in her things but she didn't know, refused to go there. Don't be her. I loved her and I knew her dark side. I loved it all.

[Jonno_S]

So how's it going, Glues? Any good news? I was thinking about your situation - ED. Maybe that is part of your subconscious telling your conscious that you are not ready to have sex. No big deal at all. I remember in college having a girl stay over. She was really cool. When we got in bed I felt all this pressure to jump her bones, but I just really didn't want to. I don't recall exactly why. She was really cool, really intuitive and coaxed out of me what was wrong and I basically said that - she responded with no big deal, and that she wasn't into it anyway. So after that, things were chill. Just be yourself and true to yourself.

 

Lesson I learned: Know your boundaries. Don't go where you don't want to go and don't think that there are external pressures putting you there.

[glues]

Sad to say, not so good man.

 

I kept myself busy, hung out with friends, went out and fought the anxiety to the best of my ability.

 

Basically two events occurred and it's just about over now.

 

First she was supposed to come by after work, which was her idea, and then she flaked on me. However she did apologize sincerely shortly after, maybe realizing her free-spirited ways might have annoyed me (i played it cool on the phone).

 

The next day I was going to drop by and see her before she went to work. She said she would really like to see me. Then she said she better not because she doesn't want to be late for work again(I played a part in that before). So I told her I could drop by, give her a kiss and be on my way.

She didn't respond for a good hour, and then at the exact time I suggested I drop by, she asked me if I'm coming? So I came by. Her neighbors buzzed me, she wasn't expecting, no affection and a awkward hello kiss.

Hung out at her apartment, walked her to work (she had a huge stack of vinyl's to carry).

 

And basically, the whole walk my head was so congested with anxiety I couldn't think so I was totally quiet and she probably took it as passive aggressiveness.

 

Then she gave me two kisses goodbye, which I found wierd as I thought it was strange enough.

 

And now , 24 hours later, she sends me the 20 bucks she owed me via online banking. Feels like a weird way of saying 'lets not do this anymore'.

 

So now I went to gently talk about the other day. Mention it was wierd.

She responds that she's in the middle of a movie...and can we talk later?

 

So what? She's either totally insensitive, or there is no issue in her mind?

 

I can't tell what i'm overthinking and what is actually awkward anymore.

 

 

On a positive note, after yesterdays somewhat ackward exchange I decided to stick up for myself and I just kind of said '**** it'. Went over to a friends place, pushed myself and got myself feeling pretty good.

 

The anxiety creeped back here and there but it was big progress.

[Jonno_S]

I kept myself busy, hung out with friends, went out and fought the anxiety to the best of my ability.

Good!

 

First she was supposed to come by after work, which was her idea, and then she flaked on me. However she did apologize sincerely shortly after, maybe realizing her free-spirited ways might have annoyed me (i played it cool on the phone).

People do this. Women do this. Don't take it as any reflection on you. This happens all the time. Don't put yourself in the center of her world and then think that everything she does is directly related to you. People flake for whatever reasons. Once I flaked on someone because I had a major zit. You get it?

 

The next day I was going to drop by and see her before she went to work. She said she would really like to see me. Then she said she better not because she doesn't want to be late for work again(I played a part in that before). So I told her I could drop by, give her a kiss and be on my way. She didn't respond for a good hour, and then at the exact time I suggested I drop by, she asked me if I'm coming? So I came by. Her neighbors buzzed me, she wasn't expecting, no affection and a awkward hello kiss.

Women are afraid when the appear to eager. Maybe she was playing hard to get. Women think about EVERYTHING. For every one of your thoughts, she had 30. I see nothing wrong. I see good here.

Hung out at her apartment, walked her to work (she had a huge stack of vinyl's to carry).

Very cool.

 

And basically, the whole walk my head was so congested with anxiety I couldn't think so I was totally quiet and she probably took it as passive aggressiveness.

Or shyness, or feeling nervous around her...no problem...

 

Then she gave me two kisses goodbye, which I found wierd as I thought it was strange enough.

Not strange at all dude, she likes you as I said and you said before. Totally normal behavior if you keep it in that context.

 

And now , 24 hours later, she sends me the 20 bucks she owed me via online banking. Feels like a weird way of saying 'lets not do this anymore'.

Dude, no offense, that's you being paranoid. Again, she's being up and up. So maybe you'd rather have had it in person or not at all. That's a great sign. She's a quality girl and repays her debts. Don't create a problem out of good behavior.

 

So now I went to gently talk about the other day. Mention it was wierd.

She responds that she's in the middle of a movie...and can we talk later?

 

So what? She's either totally insensitive, or there is no issue in her mind?

Or maybe, just maybe, she likes that movie and it was a great spot in the movie and she likes to watch movies in their entirety (as I do). How about the fact that what she didn't do when you called was roll her eyes, think him again and ignore it an let it go to voice mail. Good point, eh?

 

I can't tell what i'm overthinking and what is actually awkward anymore.

 

Well...

 

 

On a positive note, after yesterdays somewhat ackward exchange I decided to stick up for myself and I just kind of said '**** it'. Went over to a friends place, pushed myself and got myself feeling pretty good.

 

The anxiety creeped back here and there but it was big progress.

Keep focusing on the positive. I am very glad that you can do so. I give you a lot of credit. I really mean that.

[glues]

i talked to her.

 

Told her I felt like it was wierd, she agreed.

Told her I felt like we moved to fast, she said she felt similarily.

Then she said 'I like you very much, but I'm unsure of what I want'.

 

What do I do with that?

[Jonno_S]

Well, since you told her that. That might have stung her a little bit. She told you that she likes you - did you tell her that you liked her? If not, here's a suggestion: Promise yourself that you will talk to her but think about nothing in advance nothing other than that you want her to know that you like her and you think she's awesome/gorgeous. You just want her to know that and expect nothing in return. In person is better but if not, on the phone. But you must tell her. Tell her that you expect nothing from her in response to this in either emotions or words, you just want her to know what you think of her. Tell her it's okay that she doesn't know what she wants. Tell her that you are happy to give her space, time or whatever she needs. Maybe she'll figure it out, maybe she won't. That's not the point. If she's at all insecure or if you're as weird as you think she might be taking your apprehension as rejection. You don't want that do you? Surely not.

 

Let's just say she runs away screaming yelling EWWWWWW. So what? Better that you told her than to scratch your head for the rest of your life thinking about her.

Edited February 7, 2011 by Jonno_S

[Jonno_S]

I wanted to add a few things further

First she was supposed to come by after work, which was her idea, and then she flaked on me. However she did apologize sincerely shortly after, maybe realizing her free-spirited ways might have annoyed me (i played it cool on the phone).

People do this. Women do this. Don't take it as any reflection on you. This happens all the time. Don't put yourself in the center of her world and then think that everything she does is directly related to you. People flake for whatever reasons. Once I flaked on someone because I had a major zit. You get it? (not zits, my point.) There's a thread here started by Daphne - read that (it's kind of long and not all pertains to the flaking. But she did make the point that females do that a lot.

The next day I was going to drop by and see her before she went to work. She said she would really like to see me. Then she said she better not because she doesn't want to be late for work again(I played a part in that before). So I told her I could drop by, give her a kiss and be on my way. She didn't respond for a good hour, and then at the exact time I suggested I drop by, she asked me if I'm coming? So I came by. Her neighbors buzzed me, she wasn't expecting, no affection and a awkward hello kiss.

Women are afraid to appear too eager. Maybe she was playing hard to get (also discussed in Daphne's thread), maybe she felt awkward. Remember her "I'll believe it when I see it" comment? Maybe she's thinking he's not that into me...Women think about EVERYTHING. For every one of your thoughts, she had 30. I see nothing wrong. I see good here.

[Jonno_S]

Remember when you talk to her, breath deep, exhale, relax, smile. Maybe take some Yoga classes. Have you done that? Could be great for you pal. Tell me where you live and maybe I'll send you a gift card if money is the issue.

[glues]

Well, I think you've taught me well!

 

I told her I needed to think, and that's when she opened up.

 

She said it's very intense energy when we're together, and that can be very difficult too handle for people like us. But that it's also nice but maybe more invasive then we're used too.

 

I totally agree and explained to her that we're equal 'opponents' (har har) and it exposes us.

 

She said 'uh huh' and said she agreed with my thinking.

 

So now I know if i can just keep it cool and live my own life, the rest will come naturally. Controlling my anxiety will be the real differentiating factor in that though.

[Jonno_S]

Yoga Yoga Yoga

[glues]

yah, i've been putting off going back to Yoga for like 3 years now.

 

I like the idea, but lack commitment. Mainly due to the fact that it can be difficult to find the right type of Yoga for the right progression.

 

I did yoga that was way to fluffy (channeling energy and all that hoeey) or yoga that I could barely keep my hands on the mat I was so sweaty.

 

I'll look into it after a I get a job (just got laid off..brooohoooo).