If she says she doesn't think she feels as strongly as I do.. should I walk away?

[nepheton]

Well the title says it all.. I've been with a girl for only 6 months, we've had what I can only describe as a stormy ride, stretched over 6 countries and only been together (in the same continent) maybe half of that time.. she is the most amazing woman, really smart, stunning, vivacious and (perhaps unfortunately) I really love her, and whatever the problems we've had so far I didn't doubt that she loved me too until about a month ago when we were travelling together, i asked her why she didn't tell me often that she loved me, she told me she couldn't say if it she didn't feel it, that she thought I loved her a lot but she didn't think she felt as strongly about me as I did about her.

 

I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.. like the rug had been pulled from under me and had the overpowering urge to get away. I have to say it was unexpected because we have had a very passionate relationship, yes there have been many issues, not least of which is that her work takes her all over the world without a permanent home but i thought that if we loved each other then we would find a way to make it work somehow

 

I reacted badly, saying it was over and I was leaving, with no real idea of where I was going to go I started packing.. as you do in these situations lol. She followed me, it was clear that I was upset so she tried to talk to me, saying that its never going to be 100% equal in a relationship between 2 people, but I guess what really hurt me was that she said she loved me but was not in love with me.

 

I asked her what being 'in love' meant to her, because it can mean so many different things to different people, she replied that it would feel like you would do anything, sacrifice anything for someone, follow them anywhere in the world and that she'd only felt that way once in her life (she's mid thirties).. I said that to me that was not being in love that was infatuation which never lasts anyway.. by that measure then i am not 'in love' with her either.

 

i know she finds it difficult to trust men, to allow herself to be vulnerable with someone and she told me that she has put her trust in me, that she even moved in with me when she had never lived with anyone before.. she is fiercely independent so i understand that was not easy for her but i'm still finding it hard to come to terms with, part of it maybe is ego, in truth i'm used to being the one in the position of caring less..

 

not that i think thats a better position to be in, my last relationship ended because i wasn't in love with a woman who really loved me a lot and though i tried hard i just didn't feel that way about her. It doesn't make me feel good to have that 'control' in the relationship, in fact I felt guilty a lot of the time that I couldn't give her what she needed and deserved, but the difference here I think is that with my ex I couldn't say I loved her, it just didn't feel like it was true whereas with my current gf she says she does love me, she could never be with me if she didn't but that she needs to see how things go between us.

 

She said that in the past when she had followed her heart it had always ended badly and that for her this relationship was different and was an experiment with a different kind of love that maybe was the real kind of love that could last, but in the moment I heard that as saying being with me means not having passion or following her heart.. which I know is not what she meant but she is not the most diplomatic person.. (well english is like her 5th language so that doesn't help!). There's no shortage of passion in the physical relationship thats for sure and I know thats not just my perspective

 

Anyway I realise this is getting really long now.. so to finish, when I had calmed down I said that I would stay, we should finish the trip together as we still had another 2 weeks and then when we went our separate ways that would be the end of it. After that ironically she became much more loving and affectionate to me, I suppose because I was pulling away and we had a really wonderful time together for the rest of the trip, although I often felt sadness, but I also felt more hope because since that day I felt much more from her.. and in the end when the time came I reconsidered my decision because she asked me to.

 

Now we are apart though, she is in the states, i'm in europe and its been only a couple of weeks and of course all the doubts are back in my mind, when I don't hear from her for a couple of days I start feeling anxious and I really hate this situation, it seemed so clearcut when we were together. I know full well that if I start getting needy and pathetic it will turn her off so I just try and throw myself into work and stay positive but the truth is I don't even know when we will see each other again, it will be a couple of months at least and after what she told me that day I question whether this stress is even worth it. Honestly if she wasn't so special it would be an easy decision to end it, but I suppose I wouldn't feel the way I do in that case either..

 

I need some perspective please people! Help a brother out!

[spiderowl]

I can see why it bothers you. In the past, when I guy said he thought I felt more strongly about him than he did about me, it basically meant 'I'm about to finish with you'. I know this is not reassuring. It doesn't sound as if your girlfriend was about to finish with you but acknowledging the difference in strength of feeling is significant. I don't think it's significant because she does feel less strongly than you but because she said it. She gave a reason why she doesn't say she loves you as much as you say it. If she thought it wasn't a problem, then I think most women would have refrained from saying that. They would know it wasn't worth worrying you because they detected a difference. The fact that she has acknowledged it publicly can't be ignored. I suspect this is why it has bothered you so much.

 

The positive thing about all this is that if you start to withdraw as a result of her admitting this, she may suddenly realise just how much you do matter to her. Love is a strange thing and sometimes we don't know what we've got until it's less certain. It may well help to clarify things for her. The down side is that she may find her feelings don't change and you are stuck with this uncertainty. I have a feeling that it will be determined one way or the other without any effort on your part. See how you both feel when you meet again. If she doesn't get in touch as much as in the past, then I think you'll know she's withdrawing too.

[waynebrady]

In all relationships, all marriages. It's the man who loves the woman more than the woman loves the man. That's biology, women were not meant to feel as strongly about the man as vice versa.