niptuckfan Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 BF of 3 yrs and I broke up, I guess officially 3 weeks ago. But things had not been good since before xmas and he did move out at that time, but we spent the holidays together. I have been NC for about 2 weeks. Is it too soon to put myself out there to have coffee and chat with other singles? I have been thinking of joining my local On-Line dating site, but don't know if I am doing it so that he may see it(beleive me he would look...that is where we met 3 years ago) and feel like he is missing something or if I really do want to just dip my toes in the water and get over this faster. Any suggestions?
january2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Yes, it's too soon to date. I suggest spending time with yourself first before getting someone else involved. This is so that you minimise the likelihood of just looking for someone, anyone, to slot into the hole that your ex left. In my experience, there are no shortcuts or fast-forward buttons. If you don't heal adequately from the previous relationship, you're not giving the next one a fair chance to succeed.
Author niptuckfan Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Thanks Jan, but I am not really looking for a relationship. More of a time out with the opposite sex for coffee or a drink. I am apprehensive about it though which makes me wonder if it is worth my while. I am on my own with my kids with limited family and more limited friends so it was just a thought.
Albertan Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Totally agree with January here....take this from a man who knows, it is too soon!! Take some time for yourself. Grieve for the loss of your relationship. If you jump into the dating scene too quickly you won't have had time to do the things you need to do to heal properly and you'll carry emotional baggage into another relationship.
Author niptuckfan Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 when exactly does one ever feel healed? And the emotional baggage ever really go away? Especially if you were hurt beyond your wildest imagination. Wouldn't it be better to get out and talk with people and at least have something to look forward to? Getting dressed nice and anticipating a good time and good company? Just asking...
Duckduckgoose Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Take some time for a hobby or passion of yours, meet up with males and females, married and single. Like a church group for example. Lots of churches have daycare too so when you do meet someone you will be able to drop the kids off in a safe environment and be out by yourself. If your kids are young that is... if they are older then I guess its not much of a problem to let them hang out by themselves. Maybe what you are looking for is an ego boost? I've been getting a lot of looks and attentions from males that I haven't got in a while (in the process of divorce). I know I am not ready to date, but just going out and men are looking at men or hitting on me is flattering. Is that what you are wanting? Some mojo back? Its fine to feel like that, everyone does and handles it differently. Everyone's healing process is different... I dunno how far along you are in healing... it's taken me this long (a lil over 2 months since stbxH left) to feel like I need an ego boost. Right now I just want to make some new friends, maybe a few mountain biker guys that can help me get to the trails, and get re-involved with the SCA. What are some things you had to give up or didn't have so much time for in your old relationship? Look into those again? These probably sound like commonsense things you already thought of, but I seriously had to sit and PLOW through my emotions when my stbxH left me and get things done, and rekindle my interests. Sorry for writing a book... I hope this helps you a bit. It is kind of theraputic to write it.
willpower Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Watch Nip / Tuck season 1 episode 5 - Christian Troys "this is the truth" speach to the sex addict girl. I say get out there, but dont expect anything from it. I'm still in hell of a state (4 months in) but I'll tell you one thing for certain, Friday night is way better spend taking a girl out for a cup of tea than sat alone or with a bunch of guy freinds. Even if they dont compare to my ex in my mind, it makes passing the time more pleasurable and the more people you meet then the more good you'll see in new people and maybe one will even come along that is worth giving it a shot with. Grieve, cry, talk - these will all help but ultimately you have to move on, be strong and force yourself to take steps to get you where you want to be.
willpower Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 "Everything dissapears, love, trees, rocks, steel, plastic, human beings none of us get out alive. Now you can huddle in a group and face it one day at a time or you can be grateful that when your body rubs against someone elses it explodes with enough pleasure to make you forget even for a minute that your a walking pile of ashes. That is the truth, If your strong it'll make you free."
january2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Thanks Jan, but I am not really looking for a relationship. More of a time out with the opposite sex for coffee or a drink. I am apprehensive about it though which makes me wonder if it is worth my while. I am on my own with my kids with limited family and more limited friends so it was just a thought. Why do you want to date if you're not looking for a relationship? when exactly does one ever feel healed? And the emotional baggage ever really go away? Especially if you were hurt beyond your wildest imagination. Wouldn't it be better to get out and talk with people and at least have something to look forward to? Getting dressed nice and anticipating a good time and good company? Just asking... I don't think we ever know when we are truly healed - it's a continuous process as far as I'm concerned. But I anticipate a day that I will realise that I actually feel really good and have done so for a long time barring the occasional irksome incident. I do agree with getting out to talk to people - but does it have to be single men? What about just socialising in mixed groups or making more friends whether they be male or female?
willpower Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I do agree with getting out to talk to people - but does it have to be single men? What about just socialising in mixed groups or making more friends whether they be male or female? I guess my belief is that the true test of being healed is to be dating someone else and feel love towards them. If you are there, and it's real, then you are probably over the last one. The only way you"ll find that is by "dating" again. Even if you are not interested in anyone for a while you get to see a cross section of what's out there.
Albertan Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 when exactly does one ever feel healed? And the emotional baggage ever really go away? Especially if you were hurt beyond your wildest imagination. Wouldn't it be better to get out and talk with people and at least have something to look forward to? Getting dressed nice and anticipating a good time and good company? Just asking... Okay.....I totally understand where you're coming from and sure it's nice to be flattered by someone new and get glammed up and feel good about yourself. The problem is you are emotionally vulnerable! One date becomes two, and two becomes 4 and before you know it you are in a relationship with someone else and all is rosy for a short time because it always is at the beginning but eventually the baggage will have an impact. You can and will feel healed but using someone else to fill that emotional need never works out well. I say this from experience and from watching plenty of other people make the same mistake as I. You will lose the baggage, you'll always carry the scars make no mistake but when you say yourself you were hurt beyond your wildest imagination that smacks of someone still in the early processes of splitting up. One day, you will be doing something and realize you haven't thought about your ex for a long time. That's a pretty big step in the healing process. When you can imagine or even see your ex with someone else, without wanting to breakdown into a big mess of tears - then you can probably say you are healing. When you can look back on events and accept accountability for the things you did as well as your ex and objectively find reasons for why things happened, then you are healing. That's not for everyone though I guess and I am probably too much of a "thinker" myself.
Author niptuckfan Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 Thanks albertan: I do appreciate ur point of view and perhaps u r correct that the baggage will continue. I am desperately trying to look for new memories. I took the kiddies to the movies last night and sat and recalled the last time I was there was with x. I took kiddies to dinner days before and worried he would walk through the door with a date or something. I spent the last twO days debating in my head about going on pof just to chat and talk with other single guys. But thanks to u guys and ur wisdom I have refrained and may just be better off for it. I miss him Terribly and check my phone every few hours to see if he has tried to reach me. I don't coil in pain and feel tears behind my eyes so much these days but the pain is still there and I don't think that pof is a healthy coping mechanism. I think I may take an art class or something. ??!!
Recommended Posts