collegekid491 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Hey all, its been a while since I've been on here, mainly cause I stopped dating. Recently though I have found an amazing girl and we have completely hit it off. We flow together perfectly, incredibly spontaneous, have lots of little fun, and share the same backgrounds (which is a huge thing, cause we have tons of things we really don't have to explain growing up in that culture). But my question is this. We both are Christians and she told me on the first day she wants to wait till marriage for sex. I'm fine with that, we both aren't virgins and I know its a good thing to an extent. But I'm really struggling with the fact her previous bf she dated for 2 years and she gave it up the first night... and like most people think of there ex's, she says he treated her like ****. My mind runs this endless loop of it and the more I give my reasons why it shouldn't be a big deal, the more I end up seeing through that and seeing myself as having a defect in comparison to this guy. That I do so much more, treat her so much better... yet shes holding hostage what she gave so freely previously. I am not looking for a way to have sex or coax her into it... what I'm looking for is the thought process behind this. Having sisters I know that its generally a good sign when a girl does that... it means she's serious... but my head is twisting this on me a lot. So I just need someone to explain it, cause I can't comprehend a lot of it and am liable to ask her about it when I'm pissed and can't intelligently assess any answer she gives me.
carhill Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 What actions does she perform to cause you to feel that this is a romantic rather than platonic relationship? What does she mean by 'sex'?
musemaj11 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Ha ha, you are paying the gentleman's tax buddy.
waynebrady Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Sex should only be had for reproduction and that only. You two shouldn't have sex until you want to have children. This is for the best for her, sex is a filthy act and degrading for the woman. Offcourse she doesn't want to have sex until it's an absolute must.
phineas Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 dude, she is playing you or messed up in the head. She let the last guy do things to her you can only imagine & won't do anything with you? that isn't romantic. That is her getting a free ride until someone she wants to have sex with somes along.
musemaj11 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 dude, she is playing you or messed up in the head. She let the last guy do things to her you can only imagine & won't do anything with you? that isn't romantic. That is her getting a free ride until someone she wants to have sex with somes along. Yup, the gentleman's tax. Since he is so nice to her, so she withholds something he wants because she doesnt want to risk him stop giving her what she wants. Its an ancient trick that a lot of women have done for ages.
carhill Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 OP, another few questions: Was she a Christian when she 'gave it up' to her prior BF on their first date? Also, since the faith embraces forgiveness and acceptance, and she apparently has yet to forgive and accept the dynamic with her exBF, what is her rationale for that divergence from faith? How long ago did her R with the ex end?
alethean Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Sex should only be had for reproduction and that only. You two shouldn't have sex until you want to have children. This is for the best for her, sex is a filthy act and degrading for the woman. Offcourse she doesn't want to have sex until it's an absolute must. Yes. Sex is for procreation, not recreation. Was she a Christian when she was dating her last man?
seibert253 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 If she wasn't a Christian prior to "Being" with the other dude, then you have your answer as to why she's waiting. If she professed to be a Christian, gave it freely to the other guy, but won't for you, hummm? Why not just ask her?
yongyong Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 If I were you, I wouldn't wait till she is ready (just like a puppy looking at the bowl in owner's hand. are you a dog?) why do you wanna put yourself in that position? you treat her nice for long time, hoping you will marry to her someday but what if she breaks up with you and fxxk other guys?? just date her casually, go out and fxxk other chicks. you don't have to feel guilty for this.
lois_80 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I've heard of the "Christians not having sex before marriage thing" (I don't get it, but whatever) but I always thought that was all about preserving virginity? If she's already had sex with other guys, I don't see why she wouldn't with you.
spiderowl Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I don't know about the religious thing or how long she has been a Christian. It seems to me she learnt a hard lesson from the previous guy, that she had sex with him and he dumped her. It's not surprising that she'd want to do things differently this time. She has decided this is the way to filter out the guys who are only after sex. Firstly, I think you need to establish whether she sees you romantically or as just a friend. If you don't know the answer to this, then ask her. If she sees you romantically, then it would be reasonable to ask her why she has made this decision to abstain although she had sex with this other guy. You could ask her if this was because she thought he was more special than you. I think she'd realise then how you were thinking. I think if you reassure her that you are not the same guy and you are thinking of a long-term relationship with her not just a fling, she may reconsider. Alternatively, you could just rely on nature taking its course. If you two get on as well as you say and you have fun and get closer, then if you allow trust to build between you and kiss and cuddle her without pushing it further forward, then gradually I think you will get indications that she's finding it hard to restrain herself too. Don't assume these, but wait until you see definite signs like pulling you close, taking the initiative, getting all hot under the collar, etc. I don't think you'll end up waiting too long if she does fall for you and you get warm and cosy often enough. If you force it though and try to manouevre her into physical situations when she's avoiding them, you could end up being slapped down.
daphne Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I get the impression that the guy did a number on her and she wanted to try something different to weed out any guys that could be like her ex. It sounds like she made this decision before she met you, so I wouldn't take it personally. If it's not something you want to wait for, then don't compromise. Most people want to know that they're sexually compatible if they're going in it for the long haul. But if it's something you respect and believe in, more power to you. But do what you want to do, not just for her. You'll resent her for it otherwise.
january2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 (edited) I do so much more, treat her so much better... yet shes holding hostage what she gave so freely previously. Sex isn't payment for services rendered unless one of you is part of a certain profession. If she has sex with you out of guilt because she feels she owes you, it doesn't seem conducive to a healthy relationship. You've both agreed to wait until marriage, I suggest focusing on other ways of demonstrating your feelings rather than this one aspect. Otherwise, if you decide that you can't get past this, it does indicate a fundamental incompatibility. Edited February 6, 2011 by january2011
Author collegekid491 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 (edited) I get the impression that the guy did a number on her and she wanted to try something different to weed out any guys that could be like her ex. It sounds like she made this decision before she met you, so I wouldn't take it personally. This is exactly what I was looking for. Thank you. And I did end up bringing it up in a conversation and ironically this was the same thought process. I know a lot of people here don't understand it, and most responses are calling me and her idiots. I personally just didn't want to end up having a huge list of girls, or ending up having to keep a vengeful ex in my life if I should suddenly knock one up. Although its still a hang up for me to think about her with other guys, so thats what this post was mostly about. Appreciate the input though, so thanks all. Edited February 7, 2011 by collegekid491
waynebrady Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Sex isn't payment for services rendered unless one of you is part of a certain profession Then what is it? The man gives the woman love, and the woman gives the man sex in return. It's kinda a payment. Men get sex... Women give sex.
oaks Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Men get sex... Women give sex. I'm really sorry that all your relationships have been this bad.
waynebrady Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 (edited) I'm really sorry that all your relationships have been this bad. I haven't had any relationships. Infact I haven't even tried to get a girl(yet). And I haven't tried to have sex with a woman either(yet). You might think I'm a looser but I'm still pretty much fresh out of highschool, I haven't even TRIED yet But I do know thats how it is. And let me explain why... Men are the ones who initiate sex and the woman agrees to do it if she wants. Therefore the man gets it and the woman gives it. Its kinda like if I ask you to idk help change tires. If you do it you are giving me your help and I am getting your help. Got it? It's the same with sex. Edited February 7, 2011 by waynebrady
oaks Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I haven't had any relationships. That's what I thought. In that case you really aren't qualified to hold your opinion, but you're entitled to it.
waynebrady Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 That's what I thought. In that case you really aren't qualified to hold your opinion, but you're entitled to it. I base my oppinions on what I see on here, what I see on tv shows/movies and common stereotypes which I believe to be true until proven otherwise. So my oppinion really ain't that strange. In tv shows/movies men are almost always portrayed as the more sexual gender and it's almost always the man who initiate it and try to get it, not the woman.
oaks Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 (edited) I base my oppinions on what I see on here, Ok. Here's a statement from me that you may use to modify your opinion as you see fit: I have had sex with a woman in which the woman initiated it. what I see on tv shows/movies and common stereotypes which I believe to be true until proven otherwise. So my oppinion really ain't that strange. In tv shows/movies men are almost always portrayed as the more sexual gender and it's almost always the man who initiate it and try to get it, not the woman. You probably believe in aliens, too. Afterall, they feature heavily in tv shows and the movies. The stereotypical ones have short bodies, almond-shaped eyes on large heads, are grey and generally humanoid in external appearance although lacking external genitalia. Edited February 7, 2011 by oaks Typo
waynebrady Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Ok. Here's a statement from me that you may use to modify your opinion as you see fit: I have had sex with a woman in which the woman initiated it. You probably believe in aliens, too. Afterall, they feature heavily in tv shows and the movies. The stereotypical ones have short bodies, almond-shaped eyes on large heads, are grey and generally humanoid in external appearance although lacking external genitalia. I'm talking more about normal tv shows and movies not science fiction ones.
oaks Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I'm talking more about normal tv shows and movies not science fiction ones. Fair enough, but you're missing a great seduction scene in Ghostbusters. Tell me who's initiating that? More great movie sex here: http://www.thevine.com.au/entertainment/news/weirdest-hollywood-sex-scenes20081204.aspx
waynebrady Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Fair enough, but you're missing a great seduction scene in Ghostbusters. Tell me who's initiating that? More great movie sex here: http://www.thevine.com.au/entertainment/news/weirdest-hollywood-sex-scenes20081204.aspx I loved ghostbusters when I first saw it, but I don't remember that scene. Anyway if it was infact a woman initiating(which i doubt) it was fiction, just like aliens. Women don't know the defeniton of initating sex anyway so it probably wasn't.
oaks Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I loved ghostbusters when I first saw it, but I don't remember that scene. Anyway if it was infact a woman initiating(which i doubt) it was fiction, just like aliens. It was Dana, Sigourney Weaver's character, although she did appear to be possessed by Zuul at the time so who knows what she was thinking. Women don't know the defeniton of initating sex anyway so it probably wasn't. Oh dear. You were doing so well, but we're back to the bit where I tell you "You don't know what you're talking about".
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