humanracer25 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Let me start by saying for some reason I always seem to get the line "I really like you but can only see you as a friend" on every date I go on. This is the same for dates which consist of relaxing activities such as having a laid back drink in a bar or even the more physical ones where we make out on the first or second date. The girls always say they cannot tell me exactly why they don't feel that way about me and they say I have many attractive qualities. I use internet dating mostly so perhaps this is the issue as all the courting beforehand is done online, usually taking the magic out of it. Anyway with my latest date we talked online for a month and we seemed to have lots in common. We agreed to meet. There is an agegap here as I am 29 and she is 19. We met and enjoyed each others company and ended up making out. When I held her I asked her if she felt safe, and she said "more than I have ever felt with anyone". On the second date I was unable to go home due to transport problems so she let me stay over and we ended up sleeping in the same bed. It was very relaxed and we kissed a lot and she said she felt very comfortable. She also changed into her PJs in front of me, another sign that she is relaxed. She also did things like randomly tickle me and stroke my hair and my face. Anyway she told me that she only views me as a friend as she is unsure if she wants to meet me again. She said with other guys she knew right away that she didn't want to meet them again but with me she is unsure. She told me she didn't feel any "butterflies" when she is with me. I explained to her that real love starts off as being good friends and that is the "butterflies in the stomach" thing is just crushes that usually wear off quite quickly. Was I right? If she says that she cannot think of me as more than a friend, does that mean she will always feel that way or is there a chance?. Don't you think it is crazy for her to totally cut me off after only a few dates when we go on so well and felt comfortable around each other?. Also is the fact that I never seem to instigate that instant "butterflies" feeling in women a reflection on me or them?. I think perhaps I am just a guy you have to get to know first. Who knows?
Eddie Edirol Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Dude you have NO idea what youre talking about. The butterflies thing is a big deal and you have to learn the knowledge of reasons a woman falls for a man. BTW, when a woman tells you she only likes you as a friend, they ALWAYS know why, they just dont want to deal with trying to teach you what you did wrong. Look up PUA books online to check out the psychology of how women are attracted to men. You dont want to part that tells you how to manipulate women into quick sex, you just want the part that tells you how to act so that women dont think youre too nice, and then you will understand what you have been doing wrong in the past, and how to continue to give women butterflies. Women also go on dates with you when they arent really attracted to you to pass the time, keep that in mind. BTW there will be alot of people ion this board that will tell you not to go with the PUA stuff, dont listen to them. Just read the stuff to find out what youre doing wrong. Women do not like to admit the tactics that work with them.
somedude81 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Uh dude, how come you didn't try to sleep with her? You made out, where in her bed, she changed in-front of you. And you didn't try anything? Seems like she was expecting you to be a man and when you didn't, she got confused and now thinks of you as just a friend. Strike when the iron's hot!
collegekid491 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 In these cases you really have to take emotion out of the equation, stand back and assess the situation. 1) Age gap: she hasn't matured, yet she thinks she has. The whole mixed signals is always a game... in my experiences, when they are unsure, it means you aren't the priority. 2) Differences in opinion: To you making out and her stripping into her PJ's is a big step, but she may be comfortable with herself, and even dated enough guys to just do it by nature. Or she feels like shes giving you incentive to stick around without really giving you anything. 3) You thinking there was something: From what you wrote, it sounds like your a nice guy and she just didn't want to hurt you. No butterflies was just easier then 'I don't like you that way'. 4) You can never force it: The sooner you realize this, the better. Love isn't a single player game. The whole thrill of it comes from 2 people choose to be together, not when one tricks another. It's a lot like how guys become bitter and resentful when a girl constantly has them by the balls..
carhill Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 IMO: 1. Date women your own age. 19 y/o's, in general are not LTR material for a man your age. 2. Read and learn some of the PUA techniques for 'how' but don't confuse 'how' with 'why'. IOW, don't lose yourself in the 'tricks'. Remain true to your sincere desire for a healthy relationship. 3. Never climb into a woman's bed (nor admit her into your own) unless you're ready, willing and able to f*ck. Just don't do it. More so on the first meeting/date. 4. If a woman interests you, don't spend a month of electrons 'getting to know her', presuming she isn't 10,000 miles away. Press flesh, ASAP. This serves to limit investment and pedestal building and promote a healthier balance. Good luck
Feelin Frisky Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 The real dynamic is how do you get a woman to "want" you. Asking "how do you "make" her fall in love with you" has you barking up the wrong tree. Consider the following scenario I used in a similar discussion on another thread. Let's look at human beings as just mammals, say, lions for instance. A female lion will have two choices--one, she'll yield to the prevailing order of accepting the safety on being the harem of the dominant male. The other is that she'll risk the uncertainty of sneaking away from the dominant male and going with a loner/maverick. When she chooses the maverick we can assume it's because she "loves" the maverick. But she didn't know the maverick yet when she made her choice. What she actually "loved" was the feeling of exploring her own "wants". She stated out by not knowing what she wanted, she only knew what she didn't "want" at that point. Then when an alternative presented itself, she started to feel the draw not of him but the draw of finally feeling her own "wants" and fulfilling them. Whether or not she actually "wants" that particular maverick male above all others forever is another stage of wanting. So, when we apply this to ourselves the important thing to get right is the "want" dynamic and separate it from the "love" dynamic. If we try to rush things we take way or under-serve the "want" dynamic. Sure, we have our own "wants" but our wants can not be fulfilled unless we consider that a relationship is an equal partnership of two people's wants being served. So, we have to subdue our own wants to figure out how to facilitate the wants of someone else. She won't even know that there is a difference between a "wanting" dynamic and a "love" dynamic. Human beings often perceive intense wants as being "in love" with someone. We often lose appetite, lose sleep and go through lots of changes when we realize we want someone so badly. "Having" that person begins a whole new theater of feelings. It's the "wanting" stage that is the most intense. So, you have to do what it takes to lead a female to want you and you can't "make" her love you. Perhaps you should trade in some of your predictability to establish some mystique she will "want" to understand about you. If you spill too much about yourself in your manner and what you do, she will likely just find that sense of knowing only what she doesn't want. She doesn't want to yield to the safety of just having you. She wants to want--she wants to experience what it's like to want. "Love" comes well after all this. Start working on the "want" dynamic first.
Author humanracer25 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 thanks for the advice so far
Eeyore79 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 When I'm attracted to a guy, it's mostly about his personality and behavior, not his looks. Obviously he has to meet a minimum standard looks-wise, but that standard is fairly low; I'm more interested in a man's other qualities. I'm attracted to men who seem high value, confident and ambitious; i.e. men who you might call "a good catch". That feeling of him being high value and desirable is what causes the butterflies; if a man doesn't come across in this way, I'll think of him as just a friend. My boyfriend tells me that he's had the "friend" line from a lot of women, probably because he's shy and quiet, and doesn't usually act in a strong and confident way. However I met him through a shared hobby, and in that context he appeared confident and talented and high value, which attracted me. For a woman to want you, you have to inspire the feeling of "He's desirable and a good catch, I want him!".
Author humanracer25 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 When I'm attracted to a guy, it's mostly about his personality and behavior, not his looks. Obviously he has to meet a minimum standard looks-wise, but that standard is fairly low; I'm more interested in a man's other qualities. I'm attracted to men who seem high value, confident and ambitious; i.e. men who you might call "a good catch". That feeling of him being high value and desirable is what causes the butterflies; if a man doesn't come across in this way, I'll think of him as just a friend. My boyfriend tells me that he's had the "friend" line from a lot of women, probably because he's shy and quiet, and doesn't usually act in a strong and confident way. However I met him through a shared hobby, and in that context he appeared confident and talented and high value, which attracted me. For a woman to want you, you have to inspire the feeling of "He's desirable and a good catch, I want him!". Yeah well I think I am a good catch. I have a degree and I am going for a masters and I have never been without a job, although very average office jobs. I am confident and in fact she said she sees me as the protective big brother figure that she always wanted but never had. She loves the fact I am protective and caring but how do I turn that into something romantic. Is it possible? But of course I am shy and quiet but actually on that date I was quite talkative and very relaxed around her. Maybe she is just too young..
somedude81 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 how do I turn that into something romantic. Is it possible? Uh dude, how come you didn't try to sleep with her? Well? You had a perfect opportunity. And it now it looks like the only opportunity.
bac Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 (edited) You are 29 and you have no idea that making out and sleeping with girls has nothing to do with friendship. She is 19 and that is why she might believe that it is just friendship when she takes her clothes off in front of a man. She might be too young and innocent to know that the activities are kind of sex. When you are with a girl, 19, who thinks that sleeping with a man and making out in the bed is just a friendship, you should not let her to direct events. Because she does not know what she is doing. She expects you to be the one who knows what to do with girls in bed. As for falling in love, there are the age gape in your situation, therefore 'sugar daddy' thing might do well. Edited February 6, 2011 by bac
Eeyore79 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Yshe said she sees me as the protective big brother figure that she always wanted but never had. She loves the fact I am protective and caring but how do I turn that into something romantic. Is it possible? Being seen as the "big brother" is not a good thing! She sees you as protective and caring, but not as sexually attractive, hence why you are the brother instead of the boyfriend. You need to act more flirtatious, express your sexual interest in her a bit more, and make sure she sees you as an attractive man rather than as a non-sexual brother type.
Author humanracer25 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 ok well I know that 1.She really cares about me (she told me this yesterday) 2.She admitted that she finds it hard to accept that a guy would care about her so much as she thinks it might be just acting 3.She is huge procrastinator and struggles to finish essays and says she wanted a guy to help with that and her motivation. I offered to proof read her stuff (english is not her first language,she is scandinavian) etc but then it seemed like she was treating it like a game and then she apologised and said she didn't realise that I really cared that much about her studies. 4.She did she was looking at the other messages send to her by guys on the personals site but was not replying to them....yet 5.She admitted she is pushing me away and wants to stop somehow stop doing it 6.She said she regretted nothing we did physically. I could tell however she was very new when we were being intimate. It seemed she didn't know what to do at all. I was the first guy she kissed. I am moving to her city in the next month or so. Right now I live quite far away. But I would like to keep her as a friend and maybe something more in the end. But I just would like to know if it is possible that after a while our friendship might turn to love or if there is no spark at the start then it means she just isn't interested ine me like that ever. I would hate to think she would waste time with other guys who probably don't care about her and just want sex but then it is her life.
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