InquisitiveOne Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I just found this site a few days ago, and have starting reading different threads, and I do apologize if this topic might have been posted already, but I really was hoping to get some opinions from people who may have been in a similar situation, or know of others who have. I recently came into contact with a man who I knew when we were 15 years old. 25 years have passed, and it was nice hearing from him again. I think at 15 it is safe to say we had a mutual crush, but it never went further than that. We live in 2 different states, I am divorced, he is on a second marriage with 4 kids total. In conversation you can tell by speaking with him, his marriage isn't so hot, and the wife walks all over him. In general, he isn't happy. We started talking on a regular basis and he told me he didn't think his marriage would last, it was just a matter of time to run it's course etc. I never in any way encouraged him to get up and go, etc, but it talking to him, I knew when he was "down" and I knew this was something he thought about on a daily basis. We never really spoke about a future together because 1. I live in another state, 2. I wouldn't want the drama of 2 ex wives, etc etc., but he did say some things to me that got me thinking, and this is what made me come here for opinions. In several conversations he said "when I get divorced, I am coming for you", "It isn't fair to ask, but I want you to wait", "you will be the first call I make when I get divorced". Flattered as I was, again, my intelligence told me I was probably a nice unexpected distraction in his miserable situation. I certainly have no intentions of waiting for any man to get a divorce, because the likelihood of that happening is really an unknown. I am not the type of person to take a number and wait in line, nor am I the type to carry on a relationship with a married man. When I was married, my ex cheated on me, and I wouldn;t want to be the cause of another woman's hurt. So it's been about 3 weeks now since I have heard from him, and that is ok. But....here is my question that is opened for all opinions: 1. Is it possible for a married man in a miserable situation, whether he remains married or not, to be taken as honest in the things he says to another woman? I mean...i actually did believe the things he told me, but again, I wasn't nor am i today holding my breath that he was getting a divorce. I just want to crawl in his head and know that his feelings he claims he has for me were legit......or just a game? 2. If supposedly let's say in 5 years he does get divorced, is it possible he would make contact or "come get me as he claims"? or..............is my trust in men, thanks to my ex, so non-existant, that anything a man tells me is bull to me??? Could a married miserable man, actually have legit feelings for someone else, and actually mean it??? Please give me your opinions.....I am looking forward to it!!!
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 You haven't seen or spoken to this guy in 25 years, you had a mutual crush on eachother when you were 15 years old, he's been married twice and now has four children..You live in different States, he's telling you he's unhappy and it's only a matter of time before he walks out on his wife and four children, divorces them, and wants you to "wait" 5 years or so for that day to come? You barely know this man. It's long distance and it seems he's filling your head with "wishful thinking and getting your hopes up". Also, fact that you are abit gunshy overall with men due to bad experiences, trust issues, that's a red flag that you are considering what he's telling you to be an actual possibility, scares me for you. I wouldn't wait around for this guy. Live your life, and if 5 years from now he does divorce and looks you up, then date him. Until then, don't start an affair with him. Also, if he is serious about divorcing he'll do it with or without you waiting.
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Could a married miserable man, actually have legit feelings for someone else, and actually mean it??? It's possible but those feelings may not be enough for him to divorce and leave his wife and four kids, to be with you. Take a step back and ask yourself if a friend of yours was in this exact situation, what advice would you give her?
Eddie Edirol Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 It's possible but those feelings may not be enough for him to divorce and leave his wife and four kids, to be with you. Take a step back and ask yourself if a friend of yours was in this exact situation, what advice would you give her? They barely know each other, he cant be expected to drop everything to be with her at this stage. Guess what IO, he said "in 5 years, when I am divorced, Im coming for you" This means this: "My wife has no idea I am checking out of the relationship yet, it will take some time to work out the money issues of this divorce...I might come looking for you in the meantime, and I might not get divorced if it will cost me too much money" Usually with a married man, you treat him as GUILTY until proven INNOCENT. Everything he says is bullshyt until the truth can be proven. It usually cannot be proven, so its all bullshyt. You will never know what he truly thinks inside his head, so you will have to depend on his actions.
BB07 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 InquisitiveOne posted......I just found this site a few days ago, and have starting reading different threads, and I do apologize if this topic might have been posted already, but I really was hoping to get some opinions from people who may have been in a similar situation, or know of others who have. Your story isn't that different from others you will find on here and that should be a warning flag for you. I recently came into contact with a man who I knew when we were 15 years old. 25 years have passed, and it was nice hearing from him again. I think at 15 it is safe to say we had a mutual crush, but it never went further than that. We live in 2 different states, I am divorced, he is on a second marriage with 4 kids total. In conversation you can tell by speaking with him, his marriage isn't so hot, and the wife walks all over him. In general, he isn't happy. I see a lot of red flags here, don't you? You don't know him NOW, he was a boy back then and you were a girl, now you both have grown up. For all intents and purposes, he is a stranger to you. 2 marriages and 4 kids.......that's a lot of baggage and a lot of complications if you did get into a relationship down the road. So he is telling you his marriage is bad.......maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but the question you should ask yourself is why is he telling you stuff like that and how would his wife feel if she knew that he was telling you intimate details about THEIR life. We started talking on a regular basis and he told me he didn't think his marriage would last, it was just a matter of time to run it's course etc. I never in any way encouraged him to get up and go, etc, but it talking to him, I knew when he was "down" and I knew this was something he thought about on a daily basis. We never really spoke about a future together because 1. I live in another state, 2. I wouldn't want the drama of 2 ex wives, etc etc., but he did say some things to me that got me thinking, and this is what made me come here for opinions. Obviously you already know on some level that you are crossing lines, having inappropriate contact with a MM or else you wouldn't be here on the OW forum, right? Most people consider it cheating if you are doing something behind your spouses back and his conversations with you are hidden, behind her back, right? Also........you say you wouldn't want the drama, but you are already in it to some extent, is that healthy for you? In several conversations he said "when I get divorced, I am coming for you", "It isn't fair to ask, but I want you to wait", "you will be the first call I make when I get divorced". Flattered as I was, again, my intelligence told me I was probably a nice unexpected distraction in his miserable situation. I certainly have no intentions of waiting for any man to get a divorce, because the likelihood of that happening is really an unknown. I am not the type of person to take a number and wait in line, nor am I the type to carry on a relationship with a married man. When I was married, my ex cheated on me, and I wouldn;t want to be the cause of another woman's hurt. Your head is already giving you the answers but your heart wants to believe in something else. Listen to your head because yes you are a distraction and come on, what sane man would ask you to wait in a situation like this? It doesn't compute and it should cause you some fear as that is NOT normal behavior. Ok.......you were cheated on and you know how that hurts, but you get that what you are doing RIGHT NOW would hurt his wife, right? You are participating in intimate conversations with her husband about their marriage. How would you feel if you were her? So it's been about 3 weeks now since I have heard from him, and that is ok. But....here is my question that is opened for all opinions: 1. Is it possible for a married man in a miserable situation, whether he remains married or not, to be taken as honest in the things he says to another woman? I mean...i actually did believe the things he told me, but again, I wasn't nor am i today holding my breath that he was getting a divorce. I just want to crawl in his head and know that his feelings he claims he has for me were legit......or just a game? It doesn't matter if he is full of ****e or telling you the truth, he is still MARRIED. You are already obsessing about getting in his head, do you get that you are already emotionally involved and yes you are already in a emotional affair with him?? 2. If supposedly let's say in 5 years he does get divorced, is it possible he would make contact or "come get me as he claims"? 5 years is a very long time away and the best thing you can do is live your life and cut contact with him. Tell him......that you won't be his crutch or his lifeline nor his drama coach, because if you get more deeply involved you are going to be swimming in a whole lot of ****e. Why do that to yourself? On some far away unlikely vague possibility. or..............is my trust in men, thanks to my ex, so non-existant, that anything a man tells me is bull to me??? Could a married miserable man, actually have legit feelings for someone else, and actually mean it??? Please give me your opinions.....I am looking forward to it!!! I think you are vulnerable and this man senses that in you and he is going to play it up to his advantage. He may not be malicious with his intent, but malicious or not doesn't matter in the big picture. Don't waste your time or your effort or your love and don't fool yourself thinking you can be his friend. Remember that a man or a woman who has a good sense of himself/herself and what is right or wrong, wouldn't be discussing their intimate marriage problems with someone else. He is using you for his sounding board and for sympathy, how would you feel about that if you were his wife?
fooled once Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 InquisitiveOne posted...... Your story isn't that different from others you will find on here and that should be a warning flag for you. I see a lot of red flags here, don't you? You don't know him NOW, he was a boy back then and you were a girl, now you both have grown up. For all intents and purposes, he is a stranger to you. 2 marriages and 4 kids.......that's a lot of baggage and a lot of complications if you did get into a relationship down the road. So he is telling you his marriage is bad.......maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but the question you should ask yourself is why is he telling you stuff like that and how would his wife feel if she knew that he was telling you intimate details about THEIR life. Obviously you already know on some level that you are crossing lines, having inappropriate contact with a MM or else you wouldn't be here on the OW forum, right? Most people consider it cheating if you are doing something behind your spouses back and his conversations with you are hidden, behind her back, right? Also........you say you wouldn't want the drama, but you are already in it to some extent, is that healthy for you? Your head is already giving you the answers but your heart wants to believe in something else. Listen to your head because yes you are a distraction and come on, what sane man would ask you to wait in a situation like this? It doesn't compute and it should cause you some fear as that is NOT normal behavior. Ok.......you were cheated on and you know how that hurts, but you get that what you are doing RIGHT NOW would hurt his wife, right? You are participating in intimate conversations with her husband about their marriage. How would you feel if you were her? It doesn't matter if he is full of ****e or telling you the truth, he is still MARRIED. You are already obsessing about getting in his head, do you get that you are already emotionally involved and yes you are already in a emotional affair with him?? 5 years is a very long time away and the best thing you can do is live your life and cut contact with him. Tell him......that you won't be his crutch or his lifeline nor his drama coach, because if you get more deeply involved you are going to be swimming in a whole lot of ****e. Why do that to yourself? On some far away unlikely vague possibility. I think you are vulnerable and this man senses that in you and he is going to play it up to his advantage. He may not be malicious with his intent, but malicious or not doesn't matter in the big picture. Don't waste your time or your effort or your love and don't fool yourself thinking you can be his friend. Remember that a man or a woman who has a good sense of himself/herself and what is right or wrong, wouldn't be discussing their intimate marriage problems with someone else. He is using you for his sounding board and for sympathy, how would you feel about that if you were his wife? Completely agree with everything BB07 wrote.
Heather1 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Do you know his W? Very skeptical of the man that says "troubles in the M." This connection @ 15 & who he is now may be VERY different. It's a standard BS line by men to reel you in, don't buy it.
Spark1111 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Another huge red flag: Why isn't he telling HIS WIFE how miserable he is, how he thinks she walks all over him, how he is waiting for the marriage to run its course and then he is done. If you were his spouse, how would you feel to know your Husband was telling a re-acquaintance from childhood those feelings? Hugely disrespectful! And if he treats the primary woman in his life this way, how do you think he will treat you down the road? Your character doesn't change unless you want it too!
Hazyhead Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 InquisitiveOne posted...... Your story isn't that different from others you will find on here and that should be a warning flag for you. I see a lot of red flags here, don't you? You don't know him NOW, he was a boy back then and you were a girl, now you both have grown up. For all intents and purposes, he is a stranger to you. 2 marriages and 4 kids.......that's a lot of baggage and a lot of complications if you did get into a relationship down the road. So he is telling you his marriage is bad.......maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but the question you should ask yourself is why is he telling you stuff like that and how would his wife feel if she knew that he was telling you intimate details about THEIR life. Obviously you already know on some level that you are crossing lines, having inappropriate contact with a MM or else you wouldn't be here on the OW forum, right? Most people consider it cheating if you are doing something behind your spouses back and his conversations with you are hidden, behind her back, right? Also........you say you wouldn't want the drama, but you are already in it to some extent, is that healthy for you? Your head is already giving you the answers but your heart wants to believe in something else. Listen to your head because yes you are a distraction and come on, what sane man would ask you to wait in a situation like this? It doesn't compute and it should cause you some fear as that is NOT normal behavior. Ok.......you were cheated on and you know how that hurts, but you get that what you are doing RIGHT NOW would hurt his wife, right? You are participating in intimate conversations with her husband about their marriage. How would you feel if you were her? It doesn't matter if he is full of ****e or telling you the truth, he is still MARRIED. You are already obsessing about getting in his head, do you get that you are already emotionally involved and yes you are already in a emotional affair with him?? 5 years is a very long time away and the best thing you can do is live your life and cut contact with him. Tell him......that you won't be his crutch or his lifeline nor his drama coach, because if you get more deeply involved you are going to be swimming in a whole lot of ****e. Why do that to yourself? On some far away unlikely vague possibility. I think you are vulnerable and this man senses that in you and he is going to play it up to his advantage. He may not be malicious with his intent, but malicious or not doesn't matter in the big picture. Don't waste your time or your effort or your love and don't fool yourself thinking you can be his friend. Remember that a man or a woman who has a good sense of himself/herself and what is right or wrong, wouldn't be discussing their intimate marriage problems with someone else. He is using you for his sounding board and for sympathy, how would you feel about that if you were his wife? Also completely agree with BB. I fear for you here, IO. It's all very familiar - be very careful.
carhill Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 In several conversations he said "when I get divorced, I am coming for you", "It isn't fair to ask, but I want you to wait", "you will be the first call I make when I get divorced". Hmm.... is my trust in men, thanks to my ex, so non-extant, that anything a man tells me is bull to me??? In this case, your ex deserves a big fat wet one for teaching you an important life lesson. Hope you make use of it. Welcome to LS
Recommended Posts