Just s.......not seeking .

[InquisitiveOne]

I just found this site a few days ago, and have starting reading different threads, and I do apologize if this topic might have been posted already, but I really was hoping to get some opinions from people who may have been in a similar situation, or know of others who have.

 

I recently came into contact with a man who I knew when we were 15 years old. 25 years have passed, and it was nice hearing from him again. I think at 15 it is safe to say we had a mutual crush, but it never went further than that. We live in 2 different states, I am divorced, he is on a second marriage with 4 kids total. In conversation you can tell by speaking with him, his marriage isn't so hot, and the wife walks all over him. In general, he isn't happy.

 

We started talking on a regular basis and he told me he didn't think his marriage would last, it was just a matter of time to run it's course etc. I never in any way encouraged him to get up and go, etc, but it talking to him, I knew when he was "down" and I knew this was something he thought about on a daily basis. We never really spoke about a future together because 1. I live in another state, 2. I wouldn't want the drama of 2 ex wives, etc etc., but he did say some things to me that got me thinking, and this is what made me come here for opinions.

 

In several conversations he said "when I get divorced, I am coming for you", "It isn't fair to ask, but I want you to wait", "you will be the first call I make when I get divorced". Flattered as I was, again, my intelligence told me I was probably a nice unexpected distraction in his miserable situation. I certainly have no intentions of waiting for any man to get a divorce, because the likelihood of that happening is really an unknown. I am not the type of person to take a number and wait in line, nor am I the type to carry on a relationship with a married man. When I was married, my ex cheated on me, and I wouldn;t want to be the cause of another woman's hurt.

 

So it's been about 3 weeks now since I have heard from him, and that is ok. But....here is my question that is opened for all opinions:

 

1. Is it possible for a married man in a miserable situation, whether he remains married or not, to be taken as honest in the things he says to another woman? I mean...i actually did believe the things he told me, but again, I wasn't nor am i today holding my breath that he was getting a divorce. I just want to crawl in his head and know that his feelings he claims he has for me were legit......or just a game?

 

2. If supposedly let's say in 5 years he does get divorced, is it possible he would make contact or "come get me as he claims"?

 

or..............is my trust in men, thanks to my ex, so non-existant, that anything a man tells me is bull to me??? Could a married miserable man, actually have legit feelings for someone else, and actually mean it???

 

Please give me your opinions.....I am looking forward to it!!!

[alexandria35]

I think it's possible that he's telling you the truth about his feelings. But so what? The measure of a man is in the action he takes not in what he says. He says his marriage is over and he's just waiting for it to run it's course? How lame it that? Marriages don't end themselves, someone has to make take some action. I don't understand how women become attracted to men who's whole schtik seems to be whining about their marriages and acting like they are victims of their wives. What is attractive about that? How is that manly?

 

What is he investing in his relationship with you? He flatters you on the phone and tell you his problems. Big deal. He's been married twice and he has 4 kids. That sounds like a big mess to me and if he's serious about being with you he should be doing the hard work of dealing with the situation at hand. Firstly by telling his wife that he wants a divorce and then seeing to it that everyone (especially his children) suffer as little as possible. Maybe by getting everyone into family counselling or what have you. Is he taking any action? nope not by the sounds of it. He's just sitting around waiting for his marriage to end itself, all the while using you to listen to his problems and stroke his ego.

[InquisitiveOne]

I hear ya!! and again, I am not sitting here waiting for him to take any action, etc. If anything I wanted to try and remain a friend to him. My main curiosity is....can a man in a situation like his, really be honest to other people. I am the type of person that believes actions speak way louder than words, but while I wish him well in his "life", I wonder if he will be back one day...that's all. It has been 25 years, so it was just boggling that he can say things like that, and since I am jaded to begin with, I wanted opinion's of others. A twice divorced man with 4 kids and 2 ex's..isn't exactly a catch for me....just wanted insight. Thanks for the reply.

[Duckduckgoose]

Alexandria hit the nail on the head. And also... by remaining a friend with him it could be an emotional affair kind of deal. The man has already said he wants to come to you first when his 2nd marriage has run its course... and he has 4 kids...

 

Two marriages, 4 kids... at least one ex-Wife and maybe another soon... it makes me wonder about this person who walks around thinking he's a man. He waits for marriage to run its course... as if a marriage was a creek or river that eventually dumps out in the ocean and its all over. It seems like his marriages are just conquests to him?

 

Oh... this marriage has run its course, time to move on to the next... that sort of perspective bothers me

[Woman In Blue]

Honestly, if I had a nickel for every married man online who complained he was bored, or misunderstood, or not happy, or dying a slow death, I'd be a rich woman.

 

So many of these guys get caught up in the fantasy of online romance that it isn't even funny. It's actually kind of pathetic.

 

He can sit there at his computer all he wants and tell you pretty things - while his kids are in the next room watching TV or playing with their Wii and his wife is washing the dishes from dinner. In the end, he'll do like he does every night - kiss the kids goodnight, take out the garbage, jump in the shower, set his alarm, and go to bed with his wife so he can get up the next morning and start another day doing what he's done for umpteen years.

 

Yes, the romance is probably gone and they've set into a predicable, probably mundane routine, so carrying on with you online gives him a spark, an escape to an otherwise somewhat boring existence. He can dream all he wants about a happily ever after with you but that's all it is, just a dream. There are millions just like him in the world. He's not unique in any way.

 

Reading your post, one thought kept going through my mind when you'd repeat his statements about "when I'm divorced," and "when I'm free, I'm coming to you..." and that is, if wishes were horses...

[JaneyAmazed]

Alexandria hit the nail on the head. And also... by remaining a friend with him it could be an emotional affair kind of deal. The man has already said he wants to come to you first when his 2nd marriage has run its course... and he has 4 kids...

 

Two marriages, 4 kids... at least one ex-Wife and maybe another soon... it makes me wonder about this person who walks around thinking he's a man. He waits for marriage to run its course... as if a marriage was a creek or river that eventually dumps out in the ocean and its all over. It seems like his marriages are just conquests to him?

 

Oh... this marriage has run its course, time to move on to the next... that sort of perspective bothers me

 

 

Wow... I would RUN from this guy. Even if he left his W for you, sooner or later he'll be online with another woman waiting for YOUR marriage to "run its course... "

[whichwayisup]

I hear ya!! and again, I am not sitting here waiting for him to take any action, etc. If anything I wanted to try and remain a friend to him. My main curiosity is....can a man in a situation like his, really be honest to other people. I am the type of person that believes actions speak way louder than words, but while I wish him well in his "life", I wonder if he will be back one day...that's all. It has been 25 years, so it was just boggling that he can say things like that, and since I am jaded to begin with, I wanted opinion's of others. A twice divorced man with 4 kids and 2 ex's..isn't exactly a catch for me....just wanted insight. Thanks for the reply.

Well, I hope between this thread and the other thread you started, you did get the advice you needed to make you walk away and don't bother with this guy.

 

You obviously have feelings for him, so don't fool yourself into thinking a 'casual' friendship can happen either. It's good you see him for who he is.

[pureinheart]

I just found this site a few days ago, and have starting reading different threads, and I do apologize if this topic might have been posted already, but I really was hoping to get some opinions from people who may have been in a similar situation, or know of others who have.

 

I recently came into contact with a man who I knew when we were 15 years old. 25 years have passed, and it was nice hearing from him again. I think at 15 it is safe to say we had a mutual crush, but it never went further than that. We live in 2 different states, I am divorced, he is on a second marriage with 4 kids total. In conversation you can tell by speaking with him, his marriage isn't so hot, and the wife walks all over him. In general, he isn't happy.

 

We started talking on a regular basis and he told me he didn't think his marriage would last, it was just a matter of time to run it's course etc. I never in any way encouraged him to get up and go, etc, but it talking to him, I knew when he was "down" and I knew this was something he thought about on a daily basis. We never really spoke about a future together because 1. I live in another state, 2. I wouldn't want the drama of 2 ex wives, etc etc., but he did say some things to me that got me thinking, and this is what made me come here for opinions.

 

In several conversations he said "when I get divorced, I am coming for you", "It isn't fair to ask, but I want you to wait", "you will be the first call I make when I get divorced". Flattered as I was, again, my intelligence told me I was probably a nice unexpected distraction in his miserable situation. I certainly have no intentions of waiting for any man to get a divorce, because the likelihood of that happening is really an unknown. I am not the type of person to take a number and wait in line, nor am I the type to carry on a relationship with a married man. When I was married, my ex cheated on me, and I wouldn;t want to be the cause of another woman's hurt.

 

So it's been about 3 weeks now since I have heard from him, and that is ok. But....here is my question that is opened for all opinions:

 

1. Is it possible for a married man in a miserable situation, whether he remains married or not, to be taken as honest in the things he says to another woman? I mean...i actually did believe the things he told me, but again, I wasn't nor am i today holding my breath that he was getting a divorce. I just want to crawl in his head and know that his feelings he claims he has for me were legit......or just a game?

 

2. If supposedly let's say in 5 years he does get divorced, is it possible he would make contact or "come get me as he claims"?

 

or..............is my trust in men, thanks to my ex, so non-existant, that anything a man tells me is bull to me??? Could a married miserable man, actually have legit feelings for someone else, and actually mean it???

 

Please give me your opinions.....I am looking forward to it!!!

 

Every situation is different, all I can give you is my own personal experience. I am of the opinion that any person who has an A is not happy in the M. Some recover after the A, some don't. I don't believe the A to be the problem, but the M.

 

In my case the M was very miserable, in fact that is an understatement. We were friends more than anything in the beginning, that grew into a very emotional relationship. For many reasons I went NC about a year after we got serious.

 

A few months after NC, he had his friend call me to test the waters letting me know the he and his W had split.

 

During his D it was very hard, he promised a future, although his D was so rocky that we both distanced ourselves. I finally went NC again in Nov of last year.

 

Do I hate him. No. I made the choice to cease contact because I think he needs time and our "polite" R was just too hard. If he does have real feelings for me, he is unable to show them. That is ok. It was a miserable M for him (30 yrs), and the kicker was a grueling D, he is tramatised and so am I, so I don't take it personal.

 

Am I sitting around waiting for that "knight in shinning armour"? No. I am living life and dealing with the trauma.

 

My advice would be to live your life, and I would say this for any R. If he gets his act together, great, provided YOUR available. ALSO, and I want to really drive this one home...PLEASE do not let one person (or more) taint your perception of people in general. learn from the areas that you may have perceived wrong...BUT no two men are alike, there are similarities, but observe each person according to their own merit..

 

(((((((((((Hugs IO))))))))))))