elastica Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 About my super lovely bf of 1+ year: 1. I have accidentally seen that he sent a "how are you" email to his ex about 2 months ago. This is a fact. I was very much hurt by this, because it is something I would never do, and it was ahuge shock that he thinks about her at all. Is this a common thing? To contact your ex just for fun? I do contact my ex bf, but the reason is that he still lives at my old place (as a tenant), so we need to be in contact. Would I contact him otherwise? Honestly, I don't think so. 2. Just a few months ago, my BF started to learn a new language - the native language of his ex. I can't decide if he has started it just for fun, or because he really wants to learn it (genuine interest in this culture), or because of his ex. He never told me he was taking language courses. But the truth is, it is not very unusual that he does a new hobby without telling me. Actually, we do many things without discussing it with each other. I have my own life and he has his, and I like it this way. You know when sometimes it happens that you really admire soemone, and this person constantly surprises you, and you say "wow, I had no idea you have been doing this / you know how to do this"... It happens with us all the time. But I still find it odd that suddenly he does this. 3. Fact: the ex got engaged not so long ago. Source: FB. My BF has been extra super affectionate with me recently, making extra effort to do quality time together etc. He told me jokingly a few times in past weeks that we have to take our relationship to the next level. Am I being PARANOID??????????? Im thinking she MUST be on his mind, because of the language thing, and because of the email. Background: We started dating about 2 months after they broke up. I didn't know this at that point. The reason for the break up was that she had to move back home (so no big fights or anything). So we stared dating, became intimate and realized we are super attracted to each other and get along so well. He asked me to be exclusive to which I didn't say yes or no. But 2 months later I said, if he still feels like that, lets be exclusive. We have had a few minor conversations about exes. He told me about a few former relationships, but hasn't mentioned this particular girl to me at all, not even once. So this is not the case of him constantly talking about / comparing me to her. But all these things that happened make me so paranoid!! Can he secretly be still in love with her? Can a person stay in a rebound relationship for so long? Guys, please enlighten me, I am really confused.
poorguy Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 If you two have been togther for a year now and she's engaged I really wouldn't worry too much. I didn't see anything about them professing their love for each other. Does he still love her? I'm sure he has all sorts of fond memories of her, but it really doesn't sound to me lie your in danger of him leaving. I do understand how you feel though. I wouyld just talk to him about how you feel-he'll understand I'm sure. IMO rebounds I don't think usually last a year anyway
Duckduckgoose Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Ask him about her, ask him to come completely clean about their relationship and how he feels about her now. If you are not satisfied with what he says, leave.
zengirl Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Rebounds don't generally last a year, and all of that sounds pretty innocent to me.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Contacting her, and learning her language, and trying to one up her by pushing your relationship forward? I thought only women got engaged as competition to other women.... Yeah, you started dating 2 months after she broke up with him, youre a rebound. Wait for more signs. Dont take the relationship any further yet, just wait for more signs. he might wisen up.
Leeway Harris Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Ask him about her, ask him to come completely clean about their relationship and how he feels about her now. This is a good idea. You need to ask in a way that makes him feel safe telling you the truth, or he might get scared and hold back. Let him know that whatever he tells you is okay, and you're willing to work on the issue if he is (assuming that you are willing to work on it) but nothing can be gained by denying the feelings if they are there. Even if he does have residual feelings for the ex-girlfriend, it doesn't mean things can't work between the two of you. Regarding his behavior, I think it's a little strange that he's learning a new language and didn't tell you about it. Only because that's an activity that takes a lot of commitment, time, and enthusiasm, and it seems weird to do something like that without telling your significant other. It strikes me as unusual, even though you say it's not.
Author elastica Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Thank you guys, I really appreciate your answers. However, I am surprised by some answers saying that even if this is a case of rebound, he can still fall in love and forget about her?? Also, I don't think I can talk to him about this. I know it would be the best, but he is extremely private and very slow in opening up, so comfronting him like this would lead to him going completely quiet. Maybe I should do it indirectly, just ask a few questions about past relationships. But yes, my gut feeling is telling me his mind is with her. It is so sad I thought my relationship was perfect, and then I have to find out all this in one week.
Author elastica Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Rebounds don't generally last a year, and all of that sounds pretty innocent to me. Thanks zengirl. I would also like to believe that, but then I remember somebody once told me they almost married their rebound...
Alma Mobley Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Rebounds can last more than a year, trust me.
mo mo Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I think you are being paranoid. Considering the circumstances, it is not unusual that he still thinks about her. In fact, it's not unusual for anyone to have memories of their exes. It's perfectly natural for him to wonder what she is up to. You have to realize that even if he is very happy with you he cannot change what happened in his past and he can't just completely shut himself off emotionally to exes just because he has a new girl. He's been with you for a year, that's a long way for a guy to come along in a relationship.
Author elastica Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Rebounds can last more than a year, trust me. Alma, have you been in a relationship like this? How long did it last (if you don't mind me aksing, of course)? And how did you realize it was rebound?
mo mo Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Alma, have you been in a relationship like this? How long did it last (if you don't mind me aksing, of course)? And how did you realize it was rebound? OMG chill out. He said he wants to take the relationship to the next level. He cares about you. Now that his ex is getting married something clicked inside of him and he knows he has to leave that in the past now and concentrate on the present: you. You should be happy, not paranoid.
Author elastica Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 I think you are being paranoid. Considering the circumstances, it is not unusual that he still thinks about her. In fact, it's not unusual for anyone to have memories of their exes. It's perfectly natural for him to wonder what she is up to. You have to realize that even if he is very happy with you he cannot change what happened in his past and he can't just completely shut himself off emotionally to exes just because he has a new girl. He's been with you for a year, that's a long way for a guy to come along in a relationship. Thanks mo mo. Not only am I being paranoid, but today I am also constantly thinking of secretly looking into his phone and mailbox. I really don't think I will do it (I realize it would be a horrible thing to do), but right now I am pretty close to it. I understand what you are saying, that he has memories etc. I also have nice things to remember about my exes, but I still don't (and wouldn't) message them out of the blue (unless I wanted something). I am not just saying this, I really mean it. But maybe that is just my thing, and I shouldn't see it as something unusual.
Author elastica Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 OMG chill out. He said he wants to take the relationship to the next level. He cares about you. Now that his ex is getting married something clicked inside of him and he knows he has to leave that in the past now and concentrate on the present: you. You should be happy, not paranoid. Actually, that makes sense. Really.
Author elastica Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 OMG chill out. He said he wants to take the relationship to the next level. He cares about you. Now that his ex is getting married something clicked inside of him and he knows he has to leave that in the past now and concentrate on the present: you. You should be happy, not paranoid. I mean, my happy side is telling me he wants to be with me, but my paranoid side keeps reminding me that some people are miserable and capable of staying in a relationship, even if they are attached to somebody else. But my BF is not stupid, so I don't think he would do that (I hope..).
mo mo Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I mean, my happy side is telling me he wants to be with me, but my paranoid side keeps reminding me that some people are miserable and capable of staying in a relationship, even if they are attached to somebody else. But my BF is not stupid, so I don't think he would do that (I hope..). He's made it a year. That should tell you something. A year is a pretty big deal. Trust me on that.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Even though I am wary of your situation, as I can see myself in your shoes I will say that when I was dating my stbxH and while we were married I would still dream about exes or guys I crushed on in the past. I also from time to time would think about one particular exbf that I had been on and off with for 4 years. I told the stbxH this and also made it clear that I would never contact the exbf again, and if the exbf made any attempt to contact me I would ignore it... as the old exbf had a habit of contacting my brother or my parents to get ahold of me. Now that I am in the process of divorce I have thought about reconnecting with the old exbf, but have stopped myself. It didn't work then and probably won't work now. I have a lot of curiosity though. I imagine I will feel the same when my stbxH becomes my exH. I will end up with another man eventually, and married. I will still wonder about exH and hope he straightened his life out. I doubt I will go so far as to contact him... nor would I respond to any contact unless my future SO knew exactly what was going on. I would keep no secrets, especially about something volatile like exes. I expect the future SO to do the same for me. If future SO wants to ask me anything about my former marriage and former husband I would respond 100% truthfully even if it makes me look bad. Rather him know the truth then have me live a lie.
Alma Mobley Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Alma, have you been in a relationship like this? How long did it last (if you don't mind me aksing, of course)? And how did you realize it was rebound? This happened when I was younger and dumber, and it was I who was still in love with the ex. Like your guy, we didn't have a falling out and break up. He was from another country and his visa expired, so he left. It was very painful. After a few months, I met someone else. I wanted to move on, and he really liked me and wanted to be exclusive, so I agreed. I really did like this guy -- a lot -- but I had very strong feelings for the ex. Thought about him every day. Every time I felt like I might be getting over him, he would contact me -- phone call, email -- and all the old feelings came rushing back. I stayed with the other guy because we were such a good match, and I think in other circumstances, we would have been a wonderful couple. We did have a lot of good times together, but I knew my heart was still with the ex. I eventually broke it off (after a year) because I knew what I was doing was wrong. My heart should have been with this awesome new guy, but it wasn't, and it seemed unfair. He deserved someone who gave him her full attention. If I had wanted, we could have continued on like that because he was very much in love with me. I don't know if you are a rebound, elastica. You say you are being paranoid, but earlier you said you felt it in your gut. Obviously, you are feeling this way for a reason. You may have to come out and ask him about her. You could bring up past relationships, see if he mentions her, and then casually ask if they have spoken since the break up. I don't know. You know your guy best, so devise a way you think will work best on him. Or you could snoop, which you already said you don't want to do. I said what I did because I don't know why people say rebounds don't last for a year. Of course they can. There was a thread here not that long ago by a woman whose boyfriend dropped her after two years because his ex wanted to get back together. He dropped her that day!
yah Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 After 1yr+ together, shouldn't you know if you could trust him by now? And let's say you were a rebound, so what? Even if 2 months post-breakup he wasn't looking for a full-fledged relationship but he is still with you now; take that into consideration. Sometimes, not knowing what happened 10mo+ ago is better. Cherish what you have in front of you and what is real instead of wondering about the past and "what ifs."
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