The Female Fight Mode

[paddington bear]

Mine:

 

ENPF

100% Extroverted

38% Observant

19% Logical

0% Structured

 

To answer your question, perhaps it means that...you have no personality kidding. Gosh, we would so probably not get on well in reality if these tests are any way accurate.

 

0% structured is pretty true for me and the logical bit...however, that means I'm 81% illogical...that is slightly worrying.

[Jonno_S]

I find that the thinking of 1% odd, but I don't know enough about the test. I may have 'overthought' some of the questions. For example, when the question asks an absolute, like "You always..." I have to disagree because I take that word literally.

[Seamless74]

well I mean to from the first post to the last the whole thing seems rather vague but that aside.. No sense beating yourself up about these type of exchanges or "communication breakdowns" usually when your having lots of these situations with a SO its just an issue of compatibility u know? like being in a bad relationship with someone whos temperament is really not a good fit for your own.. She just sounds like an oversensitive nightmare,, and you might be a little too vague or fall victim to overanalysis..

[Jonno_S]

To me, this does sound like a criticism implying that she is currently useless and has no control over the things that bother her and also that she should not be letting those things bother her in the first place.

 

In short: When you get to school you can get your life under control because your life and you are a mess right now.

 

See how easily my woman's mind did that?

 

Not sure if anyone will read this but I feel a small amount of vindication. I have for the most part broken up with this girl but we're still talking a bit and e-mailing. Sometimes it's nice, sometimes not (mostly not). But last night we had yet another misunderstanding to which I replied in a way to clear up her misinterpretation yet again. And this, THIS is one of the things she said back: "so you know..not mad at you...I am under extreme stress and pressure right now...I only have time for rainbows and unicorns, anything outside of that I'm pushing away"

 

That is pretty close to what I said to her, which was "And you can control some of the things that you let bother you," except when I said it to her, it was a 15 minute argument. So is it me? I see this as clearly a person who wants to just fight for the sake of fighting or just a very contrary person.

Edited February 14, 2011 by Jonno_S

[zengirl]

Not sure if anyone will read this but I feel a small amount of vindication. I have for the most part broken up with this girl but we're still talking a bit and e-mailing. Sometimes it's nice, sometimes not (mostly not). But last night we had yet another misunderstanding to which I replied in a way to clear up her misinterpretation yet again. And this, THIS is one of the things she said back: "so you know..not mad at you...I am under extreme stress and pressure right now...I only have time for rainbows and unicorns, anything outside of that I'm pushing away"

 

That is pretty close to what I said to her, which was "And you can control some of the things that you let bother you," except when I said it to her, it was a 15 minute argument. So is it me? I see this as clearly a person who wants to just fight for the sake of fighting or just a very contrary person.

 

I don't think the issue was ever the idea; it was the sense that you were judging or blaming her for not controlling the things she let bother her. There's a difference between thinking that thought/reading that thought/learning that thought somewhere and having it presented by a partner, and perhaps that difference there is the key to communication. YMMV.

[Jonno_S]

I don't think the issue was ever the idea; it was the sense that you were judging or blaming her for not controlling the things she let bother her. There's a difference between thinking that thought/reading that thought/learning that thought somewhere and having it presented by a partner, and perhaps that difference there is the key to communication. YMMV.

But that sense of being judged or blamed was from her interpretation of what was intended to be a relatively innocuous statement - an idea she in fact echoed herself in so many words because that was far from my thoughts at the time. It was meant more as an encouragement for her while she was under pressure - I was hoping that she would agree and say something much like what she said in her e-mail. And shouldn't "what I mean" be considered or at least have merit? I tend to interpret things on the brighter side rather than automatically descend into fight mode.

 

And if you're right, then she read something into it far beyond what I would ever think or intend because that's something I never thought or implied (and obviously didn't expressly say it). And if that's the case, that is kind of the point of this thread - I say something intended to be one way and it is taken (and responded to) as fighting words by imputing that into it.

 

I'll also say that this is a fair source of consternation with me - because I try to take things lightly and fun rather than be serious or fighting. I think relationships should be like that. If I were saying things to friends who mistook things all the time I would just not be their friend and I am sure they'd think the same thing. I mean, who wants to live in the battle trench? Some may, certainly not me. Friendships and relationships are meant to be fun and rewarding, not heavy and depressing.

Edited February 14, 2011 by Jonno_S

[Untouchable_Fire]

But that sense of being judged or blamed was from her interpretation of what was intended to be a relatively innocuous statement - an idea she in fact echoed herself in so many words because that was far from my thoughts at the time. It was meant more as an encouragement for her while she was under pressure - I was hoping that she would agree and say something much like what she said in her e-mail. And shouldn't "what I mean" be considered or at least have merit? I tend to interpret things on the brighter side rather than automatically descend into fight mode.

And if you're right, then she read something into it far beyond what I would ever think or intend because that's something I never thought or implied (and obviously didn't expressly say it). And if that's the case, that is kind of the point of this thread - I say something intended to be one way and it is taken (and responded to) as fighting words by imputing that into it.

 

I suffered a woman like that when I was younger. I came out of the relationship with something like relationship PTSD.

 

I believe that some people are very self centered. They can't understand you or where your coming from at all. So, they easily take offense to things you didn't say because it fits their self critical internal monologue.

 

No matter what you say to her, she will always find a way to interpret it poorly, because she cannot believe you can see her any differently than she sees herself.

 

The advice of Zengirl in this thread has been fantastic. Make sure to remember it moving forward. It's very good advice for relationships.

[Jonno_S]

I suffered a woman like that when I was younger. I came out of the relationship with something like relationship PTSD.

 

I believe that some people are very self centered. They can't understand you or where your coming from at all. So, they easily take offense to things you didn't say because it fits their self critical internal monologue.

 

No matter what you say to her, she will always find a way to interpret it poorly, because she cannot believe you can see her any differently than she sees herself.

 

The advice of Zengirl in this thread has been fantastic. Make sure to remember it moving forward. It's very good advice for relationships.

 

Thanks. I get what you're saying about the self-centered type person. She is not largely that way and I think she has fairly high self esteem. Two things:

 

1) There is additional information that I have since learned about her which I intentionally did not post today because I didn't want to shade things worse against her - trying to be fair or objective, I guess. I have since learned that she is a very jaded person. She has been "ruined" (to use her word) by at least one other guy (- far too much to go into here.) But it turns out that something I did in December - relatively small and for which I was immediately and unequivocally contrite became the opening of the dam-gate for her to unleash so much of her cynicism on me at just about every turn since then.

 

2) Can we agree that what she said in the e-mail was on its face pretty close to my original statement or am I not seeing things clearly?

Edited February 14, 2011 by Jonno_S

[Ay Diesel T]

The most annoying is when your mother does this crap to you. It must be a trait common among women no?

[Star Gazer]

This thread puzzles me, as in many ways in contradicts the thread you started in the Questions & Comments forum. There, you got angry about something you misunderstood, and yet you never apologized for over-reacting to what you misunderstood.

 

ZenGirl has given amazing advice so far, per her usual. But it also seems (from what I've observed, and I haven't read it all yet) that you're applying certain standards of communication to your GF that you may be faultering on yourself.

Edited February 14, 2011 by Star Gazer

[Jonno_S]

This thread puzzles me, as in many ways in contradicts the thread you started in the Questions & Comments forum. There, you got angry about something you misunderstood, and yet you never apologized for over-reacting to what you misunderstood.

 

ZenGirl has given amazing advice so far, per her usual. But it also seems (from what I've observed, and I haven't read it all yet) that you're applying certain standards of communication to your GF that you may be faultering on yourself.

 

You seem to have a little of the Female Fight Mode yourself, SG. I was never mad and I will post on that thread since it's off topic here.

[Star Gazer]

You seem to have a little of the Female Fight Mode yourself, SG.

 

Really? How so? I haven't misunderstood anything you've said, JS. It was YOU who misunderstood ME, and got upset about it to the point of starting an entire thread about it after arguing with me about it over multiple PMs. I repeatedly told you that your interpretation/takeaway was totally misconstruing what I said, but you just refused to see it through my eyes until multiple posters responded to your inquiry.

 

In fact, I can relate to your GF's comments about feeling like she was dealing with a scolding father. I experienced that with you, over an innocuous comment. I can only imagine how much worse it would feel if the comments involved something of more substance with someone I was romantically involved with (as in her case).

 

In short, your communication filter seems...off. You misunderstand others' clear comments, and also do not filter your own, thereby saying the wrong thing at the wrong time (as pointed out by ZG). If you can work on YOUR filter, you might be able to discontinue the gender bias blame game you're playing here.

 

I also find it a little concerning that you're able to flip the love switch to the off position so quickly. I'd venture to guess it wasn't really love you felt if you can just turn off so easily.

 

It isn't a FEMALE thing, JS. You are just as guilty here as your GF.

[zengirl]

But that sense of being judged or blamed was from her interpretation of what was intended to be a relatively innocuous statement - an idea she in fact echoed herself in so many words because that was far from my thoughts at the time.

 

Not really. I mean, she probably amplified it, but I'm pretty sure you were judging her and wishing she would have better control over what made her upset. Do you really disagree with that? There's NO reason to say something like that to someone, in closing at the opportunity you did so, if you are not seeking to alter their behavior. It was a suggestion for new behavior, and those should always be treated rather delicately, particularly if someone is already stressed and upset. I think you're a good guy and have heard you talk about it here, and I don't believe judgment was far from your mind.

 

It was meant more as an encouragement for her while she was under pressure - I was hoping that she would agree and say something much like what she said in her e-mail.

 

There's a big difference between HER evaluating her own behavior and finding ways to make herself happier and YOU suggesting different behavior, in a phone call, when she's already stressed, and things have already been strained between you. I'm not saying it makes you a jerk or anything, but if you could see the difference, that'd be half the battle, really.

 

If she's not already on that track, it's not an 'encouragement.' You weren't cheering her on; you were trying to change her course. Which is fine, in some cases, but generally has to be handled with care. Saying, "You can change this thing you haven't yet considered changing but SHOULD consider changing because I think it would make you happier!" (which is a version of what you said, though you filled it in with a good point - whether or not I agree with your point is simply irrelevant to the emotional undertone) is not supportive or encouraging. It is not an attack either, but when you bring up the notion of someone changing, you are naturally criticizing them.

 

Now, there are people who take criticism well and people who take it poorly, and it's a spectrum. Personally, the people who are too sensitive? I cannot deal with it, but this was uninvited criticism from a romantic partner, albeit very mild and well-meaning in nature. A lot of people, especially when under stress, aren't going to take that well. That's simply human nature. They may not amplify it to the degree this woman did, but understanding the kernel of normalcy in the dissonance she felt would do you some good. That's all I'm saying.

 

And shouldn't "what I mean" be considered or at least have merit? I tend to interpret things on the brighter side rather than automatically descend into fight mode.

 

Of course, what you mean has merit. That said, there is no way to interpert your words that DOESN'T suggest that (at least in your eyes) she was not presently controlling what bothered her and that this was an issue for you, enough so that you brought it up as 'encouragement' for her. I believe you were likely well-meaning and constructive in your criticism, but if you think there is no criticism there, I think you do not understand human nature, is all.

 

I'll also say that this is a fair source of consternation with me - because I try to take things lightly and fun rather than be serious or fighting. I think relationships should be like that.

 

Sure. And this girl seems to amplify things. I wouldn't want random, unprovoked critical advice from my boyfriend at the end of a phone call either is all I'm saying. It wouldn't be a fight, but if it were a habit of his, there'd be a discussion or he wouldn't be my boyfriend. There are times, places, and ways to bring up things that provoke change in a partner --- and there is no way your statement was not intended to provoke change --- and I think yours was poor in this case. That does not mean her response was also poor, more so in fact, and amplified beyond what's normal. In fact, she sounds exhausting, and I agree with UF a bit too self-focused at the very least. But you're also still missing something crucial about human behavior, I think. As I said in the response yesterday, YMMV.

[dispatch3d]

Doesn't sound like she handles criticism well. In general if they say something that sounds like the start of an argument, and you identify it as such, just take their side of it (especially if it is a silly argument).

 

Some girls also like to have a guy who doesn't always agree with her. If the argument is about something of substance, you can just say well this is my opinion, I guess we will have to learn to agree. ie. don't just roll over to her side everytime just because she always gets angry, you have some needs too .

[Banker Chick]

This is a very timely thread for me since my boyfriend and I are dealing with the EXACT same thing. He's a great guy but has a very small filter coupled with the fact he's an easy going and laid back guy. I, on the other hand, take things WAY too personally, am very thin skinned and don't always handle criticism well (I am a perfectionist). The one positive is we both realize these things about ourselves. It's taken almost a year and 1/2 to finally get to the point where we are figuring out our "hot buttons" and the ways to deliver our message to each other in a way that's going to be well-received. In doing this, we are also feeling more secure with each other so the things that bother us are lessening.

 

For me, I see some of the comments my bf makes as being critical, patronizing and "scolding". I even told him once that I already had a dad because it seemed he was almost chastizing me about something. He was completely baffled! I also admit if my friends made some of the same comments he did, I would probably take no issue with them or at least let them just roll off. It's ultimately that I care about his opinion of me that causes those same comments to be received differently.

 

In my case, I've learned to just communicate to him (not in an argumentative way) if something is hurtful or rubs me the wrong way and he'll just basically respond that he's sorry I took it that way but that's not what he meant ... blah blah blah and that's enough to appease me and the matter is dropped and we move on. Frankly, there's nothing left to argue about because he made the comment, I questioned it, he responded and it's put to rest.

 

I do know that he loves me because he shows me in a ton of other ways but there's still that little voice that thinks "But what if he really did mean it? Does he really think that?" I also feel it's important to bring these things to his attention because there are times when he could deliver the message a little better and realize that he can't always just say what he wants or joke about whatever he wants...whether he's talking to me or someone else.

 

He's also a fixer so sometimes he tries to make what he deems are helpful suggestions and they come out at the most inopportune time. He's finally understanding that sometimes when I'm venting or stressed I just simply would like him to listen, let me know it sucks and that he's there if I need him.

Edited March 3, 2011 by Banker Chick