ChrisMc Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 (edited) The short history is after 2 years, my ex broke up with me in July. She was 19 when we started dating, I was 25, and we had been fighting a lot. We were in love with each other, talked about marriage, kids, etc, but she said she didn't want to be in a relationship. She still loved me but wanted to find herself and get herself back. She said she still had hope for us but it wouldn't work right now. She asked for space. I did the opposite, smothered her with my emotions, tried to tell her why it would. This pushed her away further, of course, and eventually we stopped talking. Since July I have run into her a few times, wrote her several long, drawn out sappy emails and letters. She would say she does miss me but doesn't want to be with me. She would never say it was 100% over, that if we were meant to be together we will be. I've spent time in therapy, tried being with other girls. I have been drinking and drugging quite heavily lately, and last Saturday I was flying high at a club. She was there apparently, saw we running wild and out of control, and called Thursday to tell me she is worried about me. She told me I need to move on and find someone new. She said she knows for certain we will never get back together, so it's time I accept it. She told me she was never "in love" with me. Not once for the 2 years. She said she loved me as a person and tried to make it work, but the more she got to know me, the more she realized, I was not the person she wanted to be with. She stayed with me hoping I would change, but she realized she couldn't change me and had to get out. She said she was unhappy for at least 6 months towards the end. These are things she never said before. Up to now, it was always "I love you, but it just wouldn't work". I don't know if this is the truth and she's no longer sugar coating things, or if she is being harsh so I will hate her and move on. I don't know. While I am relieved on the one hand to finally hear her say it's 100% done, she will never come back, to hear her say these things burns my soul. I feel so betrayed. I knew things weren't good for either of us at the end, but the idea that she never loved me, when she was the one who took things to that level, rips my heart out. I don't know what to do with myself. I have been severely depressed for months now, trying to cope, and this is pushing me over the edge. Accepting that she is gone is killing me. Edited February 5, 2011 by ChrisMc
stopthemadness Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 First I want say So Sorry for your pain. As far as the time line, our break ups are the same. In July he said he needed a BREAK from our relationship. By Oct he said he was dating smone else. I was devastated! I was waiting for him, REALLY! I thought he'd come back. I too had a very hard time accepting the break up. I put myself in therapy and started going back to church. The first few months were VERY rough.We were 2gether 8+ years. I kept a journal and wrote down all the hurt I was feeling. It helped to write it all down. Just last week I burned that journal it was very sad and dark, and I had to let it all go. Watching it burn was letting go of all that pain. I had kept it for 3 months. So we never went n/c because I guess he thought he could help me through my pain. I hope thats what he thought? But it was very hard hearing about all the women he was dating. But i kept doing it cause i thought i needed the contact. Well I was wrong!! Its been 16 days of No Contact And iam feeling really good. Sure i think of him from time to time(lie) often. But Iam accepting that its over and am trying to move on, just like he is. See the way i see it is. We have no choice!!We have to move on and thats ok. I have a date 2nite(smile) I too am trying to get back out there. I have no doubt that we will one day fall in love again and all this will be in the past.Sure I have bad days, but Am in charge of my thoughts and so are you and am just soo tired of the hurt from this whole thing.Its like my brain just cant process this anymore. I came across this book its called "The Secret" maybe you could check it out? It has alot of good stuff in it. And you know what I think? They did us a favor by leaving us!! Who needs smones with so many issues? So when we think of them we should send them Love and Light and forget about it. Hang in there..it gets better just let it...
wbr4p Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 stopped reading when u said she was 19. i remember when i was 19..had a guy left to right wanting to be with me. i did not know what i want. my mom and dad sat me down one day and told me i might get killed one day cause of my string of boyfriends. (yeah they were srs) i thought it was just me, turns out..majority of very young girls dont know what they want yet, regardless of what she said or planned. dont take it to personally when she said she was never in love with u, she'd never say that unless she wants to prove a point. maybe she just really wants u to move on. the smothering of emotions, i suppose u need to tone it down a bit. we all get hurt, nobody is immune.
cerridwen Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 (edited) I don't know what to do with myself. I have been severely depressed for months now, trying to cope, and this is pushing me over the edge. Accepting that she is gone is killing me. ^^This maybe in part why she chose to delay telling you the whole truth. You're not wrong to feel this way; but my interpretation is she didn't purposely mislead you. At 20, I entered into relationships without understanding their seriousness for others. Talk of marriage, kids, when she doesn't even know herself? She was 19 when you got together. She was still a teenager. You mention betrayal. Betrayal like she purposely lied to you? Betrayal that she strung you along? I'm not sure that's all together fair--unless she had a pattern of manipulation/dishonesty. IMO, it'd be helpful to work toward understanding. Rather than vilify her, recognize she's still developing. And no, she didn't say this so you'd hate her. I believe it's the whole truth. Best to you. (BTW, thanks for including your ages. It was important information.) Edited February 5, 2011 by cerridwen
Author ChrisMc Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 ^^This maybe in part why she chose to delay telling you the whole truth. You're not wrong to feel this way; but my interpretation is she didn't purposely mislead you. At 20, I entered into relationships without understanding their seriousness for others. Talk of marriage, kids, when she doesn't even know herself? She was 19 when you got together. She was still a teenager. You mention betrayal. Betrayal like she purposely lied to you? Betrayal that she strung you along? I'm not sure that's all together fair--unless she had a pattern of manipulation/dishonesty. IMO, it'd be helpful to work toward understanding. Rather than vilify her, recognize she's still developing. And no, she didn't say this so you'd hate her. I believe it's the whole truth. Best to you. (BTW, thanks for including your ages. It was important information.) Thank you for your insight. By betrayal, I am refering to the fact that she made me feel like she did love me. I mean, she said she did as much, if not more than I did. The marriage and kids talk was initiated by her. She was the one who wanted to look at wedding rings. I could go on and on. I realize now, she was playing "grown up". I suspect part of the reason she began dating me was because I was older, had my life together (at least, more than most guys her age who are still quite immature emotionally). So when she spoke of marriage, it wasn't to the same extent that I did. And you're right, anger towards her is not good. Or it should not be my dominant emotion. Because she wasn't bad to me in the classic sense of the word, and she helped me grow up a lot as well. I'm just hurt that it took her this long to tell me these things. If, when we broke up, she had been this honest, I would have been spared a lot of heart ache. And I recognize it would have been hard for her, but it still would have been the right thing to do.
cerridwen Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Thank you for your insight. By betrayal, I am refering to the fact that she made me feel like she did love me. I mean, she said she did as much, if not more than I did. The marriage and kids talk was initiated by her. She was the one who wanted to look at wedding rings. I could go on and on. I realize now, she was playing "grown up". I suspect part of the reason she began dating me was because I was older, had my life together (at least, more than most guys her age who are still quite immature emotionally). So when she spoke of marriage, it wasn't to the same extent that I did. And you're right, anger towards her is not good. Or it should not be my dominant emotion. Because she wasn't bad to me in the classic sense of the word, and she helped me grow up a lot as well. I'm just hurt that it took her this long to tell me these things. If, when we broke up, she had been this honest, I would have been spared a lot of heart ache. And I recognize it would have been hard for her, but it still would have been the right thing to do. All of what you just said is very fair, spot on, and understandable. Thanks for clarifying the part where SHE was initiating marriage talk. Sounds like she was mentally playing house. You sound like an extremely nice person with a lot to offer someone as mature as you. I agree especially with your last paragraph. For that, I'm sorry. Please keep posting if you need support.
Recommended Posts