he freaking told me to read first corinthians 13

[enchantedbird]

:(Btw* I am 25 and the man in question is 29.

 

I went on a date on new years eve that quickly spirled into a passionate whirl wind romance. We fell instantly for eachother and the mintue we first lay eyes on eachother we both started shaking. We both got swept up and emotionally invested and spent every day together for two weeks since new years. On the third day he gave me a ring and told me that when I was ready he would give me a real one, basically proposing to me. I firmly believe that at this time he had feelings for me. And we decided to be in a relationship. Everything felt like a dream.

 

Here is where it all began to unravel...

He wouldn't update his facebook status because his "friends and family would have been worried about him and they may not like me and he would have to introduce me to them slowly".

 

He also lives with his ex, his exs new finance, and his exs mother. His ex likes him around as a backup plan when her other relationships fail. He told me this. But he said he's over her...but she obviously was not prepaired for him to get involved with someone because while we were together she kept sending him texts and calls saying that he's being reckless.

 

The day he went home...I went out with a friend of mine and drank way more than I should have. All my insecurities about this new love interest just sort of exploded. I felt like things were to good to be true and that maybe I would get incredibly hurt knowing how things were going so fast and my feelings were becomming too strong. I just didn't feel like I was on solid ground anymore and it scared the living daylights out of me. I broke down, cried and texted him that I couldn't do this anymore because I didn't feel safe or secure.

He replied with... "I knew it was too good to be true"

 

Well sufficet to say, when I woke up the next morning I called him and told him I was scared but didn't want things to end. He told me " I'm sorry, I still love you but you should have talked to me about your fears before breaking up with me. What's done is done. You hurt me and I can never trust you again.

 

Well I told him...look this is all very new to me and overwhelming and things were going so fast it made me feel insecure and you mean a lot to me...ect.

 

He still said no to being with me, that I broke his heart and what's done is done. Then he said I was playing games with him by breaking up with him and he didn't want to get hurt again. Then....he posted a bunch of sad songs to his facebook. Over 30 of them.

 

A week later after we met up so he could give me back a book I lent him. Needless to say we agreed to date eachother and take things slowly. We then went to my place and had sex as if we were together again.

 

Well.....a week goes by. No call. A few texts here and there, but nothing planning a date. I invite him to art walk, and he says oh sorry I'm going with my ex. I say oh....I see.

We get in a big fight over text where I pour my heart out and he tells me that when someone burns him he grows cold forever and that he thought by dating it would give him time to focus on himself and healing. That he would never make me happy and that he loves and cares about me but he's scared of me.

 

Anyway I go to artwalk alone, come home call him and beg for him to come over to talk. He does...he said he doesn't want a commitment, he's very scared, and if he ever got back together with me he would always be afraid of me breaking up with him. I ended up crying and then he ran after me and told me to cry in his arms and that he was there for me.

 

Then we had passionate sex and in the morning things were very quiet and awkward.

He kept saying things like..."oh what am I going to do with you"

Then he said that he would call me later tonight (which he didn't) and that he wanted things to develop slowly but it didn't garentee a relationship.

He would see I was sad by the look in my eyes and he brushed my hair aside while I lay in bed and he asked me if I had a bible. I said no..

He told me that I should read first corinthians 13; the part in the bible that talks about what love is.

 

Love is patient...love is kind...not selfish, ect.

 

After he left I had this very weird feeling of emptiness. My heart feels very heavy and I am kind of afraid to talk to him or see him again. I miss the intimacy and wonderful maddness of our first two weeks together. I know in my heart those times are clearly over. Or should I be patient like he's asking in a subtle way and see if he decides to even give me the time of day?

 

I do not like being the one pursuing the man, he is kind of a sensitive person but his sensitivity seems to get in the way of his ...um I don't know how to put it into words...but basically maybe he's using the guise of being "hurt" as a way to let me down easy.

 

I don't know what to do, I feel horrible about the whole situation. We were so in love and I blew it. I feel like I ruined everything. I really thought he was the one. Help.

 

(Sorry about the typos, I am writing this from my phone)

Edited February 5, 2011 by enchantedbird

[enchantedbird]

My chest hurts right now from heartache, if anyone has any advice or clarity I would really be grateful.

[enchantedbird]

I have no idea what to do about this...

[cerridwen]

Hi enchantedbird,

 

There is a lot wrong here. So much it's kind of overwhelming.

That maybe why you haven't received any responses.

 

Firstly, you had every right to pull away.

I would have run for the hills.

He moved SO fast! A ring on the 3rd day?

It all comes across as immature and unstable.

Understandable why you'd react as you did.

 

Secondly, his living situation is absurd and unhealthy.

At 29, he should be out on his own.

Instead, he's living with his ex and her mother?! Seriously?

There's some weird codependency going on between him and the ex.

Do you really want to get wrapped up in that?

 

Thirdly, it's HIS reaction that's worrisome, not yours.

Instead of saying, "Ok. You're right. We're moving too fast. Let's slow down. " he melodramatically starts playing the victim.

This just shows the same immaturity and instability.

I believe part of you recognizes that, no?

Or are you falling for his b.s. that YOU'RE the problem.

I'm not seeing that.

 

Lastly, I worry that you're addicted to the high drama of his antics.

You wrote "I miss the intimacy and wonderful madness of our first two weeks together." Missing the intimacy is understandable; the madness, not so much.

[cerridwen]

Double post. Sorry.

Edited February 6, 2011 by cerridwen

[Duckduckgoose]

I would run from that "man" like my ass was on fire.

 

Maybe he should read the Bible. Or talk to a psychologist.

[cerridwen]

It also makes me mad that he gave you homework.

He gave you an assignment to read what love is all about.

Do you think you deserve that?

[enchantedbird]

Thank you Cerridwen for your thoughtful reply. I can imagine looking at all this it looks very wrong.

 

People who also know him told me there are a lot more stable guys out there and his actions have been known to be immature.

 

What hurts is loosing what we had when things were really good, I'm sure now he doesn't feel the same. I still feel as though I'm in love and I feel kind of sick about it.

 

His friends also told me that the relationship between him and his ex was codependant even though she has a fiance. He seemed to be "free of her" until I broke down and said I couldn't do this anymore.

 

Instead of working things out he called me a dramaqueen and ran to her for support. From what he told me, she told him he shouldn't try to work things out with me and apparently he is listening to her.

 

But really the thing that affected me most about what you said, which I didn't even think of was...you're right! He had the audacity to give me homework on love. The nerve. I know plenty about love and even though he tells me he loves me ...this ain't love. Maybe he hates me because I called him out on it.

 

He did call me last night and sounded really cold and distant. He said the only reason he called was because he promised me he would and didn't want to be rude.

He also called me kiddo.

 

Is this abusive, or is it just me?

 

*on a side note...he is really obsessed with BDSM and I am wondering if he is using the guise of being the victim as an excuse to mess with me psycologically to break me down...because this is what its beginning to feel like

[cerridwen]

This is definitely meant to be punishment.

At a minimum, he's manipulative beyond belief.

But, he seems much more like a controller.

 

Remember, it's when you asserted yourself that he lost it.

He's been punishing you ever since.

 

Check out the signs of a controller:

 

Quick Attachment and Expression: The Controller has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to a Controller is how quickly he or she says, “I Love You,” or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the “honeymoon phase” - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying, “If it’s too good to be true, it probably is (too good to be true)!” You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point - it doesn’t make sense!!

 

Breakup Panic: A Controller panics at the idea of breaking up, unless it’s totally their idea, then you’re dropped like a hot rock.

 

Discounted Feelings/Opinions: A Controller is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don’t make sense, they’re silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. A Controller has no interest in your opinion or your feelings, but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior.

 

It’s Always Your Fault: A Controller blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect.. A Controller tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. A Controller never, repeat “never,” takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it’s always the fault of someone else.

 

The Reputation: Mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. A Controller may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble...Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual’s behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, a Controller will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with Controllers that treat others so badly.

 

(From Warning Signs You’re Dating a Loser. Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist).

 

Calling you "kiddo", saying "What am I going to do with you", giving you a reading assignment, patronizing you like a child, it's all positioning himself as the adult. Making you feel lucky he called; discussing your fate with his ex; having you asking yourself "Will he give me another chance?!" He's playing head games. And it's working.

Edited February 6, 2011 by cerridwen

[wbr4p]

very big mistake sleeping with him after the break up. u forgive urself for 1 slip, but u kept doing it.

 

i guess i'd feel the same way too, i wouldnt go back even if he begged me. no more trust.

[worlybear]

He's poison.

Get rid.

[enchantedbird]

Cerridiwen, thanks so much for the info. I can't deny the facts that he is a controller.

 

When he patronizes me and positions himself as an adult, what on earth does he have to gain from that?

 

I don't understand why people play games like this and I don't understand why he acts in this manner. Why would anyone *choose* to treat someone this way? Other than power what does he actually hope to achieve?

 

I feel sorry for him and pity...and that's what's leaving me sick. I wish he could see the light that loving at treating people with respect is actually more forfilling and rewarding. If he didn't want a relationship he could have just said so without all the abusive mind games. He knew damn well I was vulnerable to him.

 

Maybe I shouldn't even bother to figure it out but all this is leaving me with a bitter taste in my mouth that's hard to shake.

 

I wrote this limerick this morning...lol

 

A poison is what a poison is and you have run your course.

Before I lay me down ill purgue you with full discourse.

A poison does what a poison does and doesn't have any remorse.

 

Before you go, just remember my foe, that a bit of you is made to heal

But too much can make one ill.

And through the pain I've gained and gained and gained

But you my dear must must find another host.

 

You'll trick and tease with promise of sweet

But lay a pungent dose.

 

A poison is, what a poison is and doesn't have any remorse.

[D-Lish]

he tells me that when someone burns him he grows cold forever

 

This obviously isn't true if he is LIVING WITH HIS EX and her new bf! That line sounds like a load of BS.

 

This guy has so much baggage on his plate, the thought of getting involved with him should be the last thing on your mind!

 

You've barely been together a month, and he's exhibited so many red flags in such a short amount of time.

 

The healthiest thing you can do for yourself is walk away from this guy. Take back control of the situation and tell him you're done instead of letting him pull your strings like a puppet!