giraffegirl Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 (edited) I am pretty desperate for anyones help. I started *seeing* a guy a little over 3 years ago, after we met online. He is 39 and divorced after marrying very young. It fell into the realm of booty call and has remained that way the whole time. We had a lot of chemistry (which i know is no excuse) Over that time I asked him to go to the movies, dinner, just normal things and each time he would freak out and say it was "over" . Over the three years he has freaked out and ended things about 5 times. Somehow we always fell back in though. So by this time i was pretty hung up on him, and even after i found him online on a sex site searching for women i STILL kept seeing him. He has always come to my house, and i have never been invited to his. About 6 months ago i was in his suburb and i texted asking if i could come over and basically the brunt of it was that i wasnt welcome at his house, and it was his way or the highway. Even after that i kept seeing him. I am a well known artist and recently i did a portrait for him of his dog. He has two dogs, and i said i would do both. As i am also a photographer i asked if i could come over and take photos of the other... dog for a second portrait. He flipped out, and came over and we had a big argument about why i cant go to his house. He used the excuse of having shiftworker flatmates. You are all thinking he is married, but i do know enough details to know its not that. So basically my dog portrait is welcom in the house but i am not. Just lately i somehow convinced him to go on a 2 days getaway to the beach. But then he freaked out saying that he thinks i think it will *mean something* if we go. Last week i also asked him to dinner to which he said yes but that he didnt know "when" So this week i cracked and said that i am not sleeping with him anymore unless he gets rid of the other women and wants a relatuonship with me. I know now though i am the slut booty call and he cant see me as being worthy of that. Before him, i had never been anyones sex toy or amything of the sort I have said a few times before that i want him to give up the 3 or 4 other women he has, but he always says no and stupidly somehow i have always relented and gone back to accepting scraps. So he is doing the silent treatment on me, which is his usual routine when we go through this issue of him being promiscuous. Yesterday i sent a text saying "is there any chance you are going to give me what i need and deserve or is it over now after 3 years" He replied telling me that it was "very over if you feel like you need and deserve" Also said he wasnt going away with me , but then texted later and said that he would come and see me next week to talk about it. In three years we have had one meal together, never spent more than 4 hours at a time together and never overnight What this guy wants from women is basically a free hooker, and i need to get away but i dont know how to do it permanently, and i just want to stop feeling so bad. Edited February 5, 2011 by giraffegirl
Duckduckgoose Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Part of me is really curious why he got divorced... if he is into sleeping with several women at once and playing games his ex-Wife might have left him after he cheated.
onetoughkitty Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Change phone number, email, delete Facebook and other social media and move out of town or the country. OMG. Gain your self-respect back. Wow, three years? Really? You know you can do better, you know this. All you need to do is take that one step to getting away.
Author giraffegirl Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Part of me is really curious why he got divorced... if he is into sleeping with several women at once and playing games his ex-Wife might have left him after he cheated. ********** Apparently she slept with his best friend who lived next door. She left him, and wanted the divorce. Obviously there was more to it, i have no idea what he did wrong in the marriage or anything, its hard to ask him stuff about his past, he just gives snippets
Author giraffegirl Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Change phone number, email, delete Facebook and other social media and move out of town or the country. OMG. Gain your self-respect back. Wow, three years? Really? You know you can do better, you know this. All you need to do is take that one step to getting away. He had agreed to go away, and thsi week i start carrying on with all this "get rid of your other women" and now he doesnt want to go at all. So i feel like its all my fault. I just dont feel safe sleeping with someone who sleeps with other people, god only knows hwo many he has. He says its 4 but that could mean 8. Who the hell knows. And now he says he is coming on Tuesday to talk. I feel liek i cannot see this situation for what it is anymore. I cant move out of town, it would mean selling my house lol Im tossing up destroying my sim card this afternoon though. I dont know where do i start to get myself back?
onetoughkitty Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 You know what you have to do. This guy really does not care about you. He's getting his kicks because you let him and you don't think that you'll find someone who will love you any better than that. As hard as it may seem to you to get him out of your system, you will but you've got to learn to run away and DO NOT LOOK BACK. I say do yourself a favor and go on that trip without him. Take a friend or just extend the trip but go. You will have your up and down days and you make feel the need to contact him but if you wait, it passes and you just feel so much better when you don't stoop to that level. Spend your time reading these posts, read CNN, go shopping, chat with friends or strangers, browse online dating profiles, whatever gets your mind off of him and his shady ways.
Author giraffegirl Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Thats great advice, i just have to do things that make me feel good. Half the problem is i text him too much. I am a communicator, and he isnt. I just keep blaming myself for everything. You know, if i just shut up about his other women then he would go away with me. I'm not sure what he wants to talk about on tuesday, maybe he will just rant at me for wanting "more".
onetoughkitty Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I think you giving him 3 minutes let alone 3 years of what he wants is too much. You want a committed, monogamous relationship. He CLEARLY does not. Do you realize that there are plenty of men out there who can give you this without stringing you along? Who will be happy to receive a text from you and be devoted to only you, if you give them a chance? So what if he did go away with you? Do you really, in your heart of hearts, believe he would change his tune once you got back? More than likely, you would have had a horrible trip doing what he wanted... LAME.
Author giraffegirl Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 I think you giving him 3 minutes let alone 3 years of what he wants is too much. You want a committed, monogamous relationship. He CLEARLY does not. Do you realize that there are plenty of men out there who can give you this without stringing you along? Who will be happy to receive a text from you and be devoted to only you, if you give them a chance? So what if he did go away with you? Do you really, in your heart of hearts, believe he would change his tune once you got back? More than likely, you would have had a horrible trip doing what he wanted... LAME. yeah ive never spent a whole day with him, so i was a teeny bit worried about what that would be like to be honest. or just really nervous about it. And i recently found him on that "my yearbook" site a few weeks ago (and i told him) and he's there saying he is "horny" and "looking for fun". Most likely we would have got back from the trip, he would have gone home and logged on, chatting to some skank with her breasts out.
onetoughkitty Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Exactly, and do you really think you deserve that? This is one of those guys who will string you along until you stop it. Oh, and when you do, he'll start with the "why are you ignoring me?", why do you hate me, blah blah blah. He might call you a bitch or something unsavory like that or he'll use things you said to him against you. He will say anything to get you to see him. Do not, I repeat, do not give in. It's a game to him. Trust me, I've been there, done that. You can do soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better.
Author giraffegirl Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 (edited) He said yesterday that he wasnt going away with me so im half thinking its over from his point of view anyway. Except for the fact that he is coming over to talk. Most probably if i just drop of the face of teh planet he wont do anything. One time though when i said i wasnt sleeping with him again he started calling sounding a bit desperate. One time i didnt reply to an email straight away and he turned up on my doorstep asking why. but that was a while ago, dont know what he would do now Also i really feel like my main problem is i cant see this for what it really is. Like i have been so lowered over the three years that i cant see it anymore. You know what i mean? So it helps me if people are reading this and they type a comment if they think this is a bad situation. It will help me escape. Edited February 5, 2011 by giraffegirl
Author giraffegirl Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Exactly, and do you really think you deserve that? This is one of those guys who will string you along until you stop it. Oh, and when you do, he'll start with the "why are you ignoring me?", why do you hate me, blah blah blah. He might call you a bitch or something unsavory like that or he'll use things you said to him against you. He will say anything to get you to see him. Do not, I repeat, do not give in. It's a game to him. Trust me, I've been there, done that. You can do soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better. ******** the my yearbook thing is so fricken gross. My god.
Author giraffegirl Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 his technique or *game* is more about acting like he doesnt give a ****. He'd never call me a bitch or anything like that
onetoughkitty Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Of course he comes looking for you... god forbid YOU would actually reject him. How long do you want to play the game when there is someone out there who won't? I don't know how you guys met and it doesn't matter. What matters is you are not getting what you deserve and need. You're like a back-up and that's not cool.
Author giraffegirl Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 that comment he texted "very over if you feel like you need and deserve" does that mean that i shouldnt *dare* to have needs? i had told him i need and deserve someone monogamous
onetoughkitty Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 It means he does not care what you want. It's all about him. Apparently, he thinks the world revolves around him and you let him think that every time you back down. Find what you need. Go after what you deserve. Leave him in the dust.
Author giraffegirl Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 im scared about what he will say when he comes over on tuesday "to talk". That it will make me feel worse it was his idea to come over
onetoughkitty Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I don't know. What do you REALLY think it will be about?
Author giraffegirl Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 probably him telling me that he's not giving up his other women
onetoughkitty Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Then why bother having him over? Cancel it. Boot him to the curb and go out for the night (get a hotel room if necessary) so you don't have to listen to him at your door whining or whatever game he wants to play.
TLCbear Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I really don't understand this at all. This man has clearly told you where you stand, however, you are constantly holding on hoping he's going to change his mind. Why? What is so special about this man? He is in no way stringing you along, you are stringing yourself along and practially hanging yourself. I know it's hard to do, but you have to go cold turkey, stop all contact and take it one day at a time. This is just so sad to me. You have this man being straight up with you, but, you don't want to hear it...at least he didn't lie to you about it like quiet alot of men do. I find it refreshing. Good luck!
Graceful Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Also i really feel like my main problem is i cant see this for what it really is. Like i have been so lowered over the three years that i cant see it anymore. You know what i mean? So it helps me if people are reading this and they type a comment if they think this is a bad situation. It will help me escape. I don't care about him. I care about you. We already know he is a sex addict, which is like calling him a "user" - and he has been using you, the way any addict would use the "drug" of choice. So it's clear who and what he is. His behavior is pathological, and you have fallen into your own addiction along with it. So let's focus on you, the most important person in your life. Right? You are co-dependent on him. You have wrapped all of your self-worth into this warped relationship, which is what happens to someone who "enables" an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship. As you continued to comply to his wishes over the course of three years (never going out, never going to his house, never spending time with him, never have anything even CLOSE to a NORMAL relationship), you have enabled his sick and unhealthy habits to run the relationship. You abandoned all of your values, your self-esteem, your self-worth, your sense of identity, and you lowered the bar so low on your life and your own worth, that what you are now doing is literally "bottoming out" --- that is what an addict does when they HIT ROCK BOTTOM. You are crying out for help because you are finally in such pain you cannot take it any more. So I see you as someone in immense pain right now, who does not know how to stop the pain, because for three years, all you do to stop the pain is go back to him, since you are trying to get something from him and have blinded yourself from the fact you cannot get what you need or want from him. So you have taken anything, crumbs, ill treatment, disrespect, anything at all, because it has become your lifeline. You need to get help with letting go here, and with the host of issues that got you into this situation in the first place. There have been red flags flying at you since the beginning, and yet, for what are your own issues, you allowed this ill treatment to persist. Please get into therapy, have your therapist recommend a support group (perhaps a sex addiction support group) and get to the bottom of your own issues. Stop putting your entire focus on this man. And do not see him next week. I repeat, cancel his visit to you, tell him the relationship is finally over for you, and that you are moving on. I don't care what he does or says, tell him it's over and you do not want to see him ever again. You need help and I implore you to stay away form this man and get help as soon as possible. You need to find a way to turn a corner, and you can begin when you cut this man out of your life for good. Call your physician asap and get into therapy. Do not allow this to persist further. You deserve so much more than this, but you need to figure out why you ever allowed this in the first place in order to grow and never let this happen again. Take care.
Author giraffegirl Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Thanks Graceful for that very insightful and truthful post. Everything you have said is true. After a while i recognised that he was a sex addict , and especially after recently he told me that it wouldnt matter how many times a day he had sex he would still want more. I am addicted too, but i dont think its sex addiction, more an addiction to him. My sex drive runs in the middle, nothing out of the ordinary. Lately, probably in the last 2 months i havent wanted it at all, because of how he treats me. I have to go and see some kind of counsellor, I did see a grief counsellor once but found it didnt work because its so hard to find thr right one. Rather than contacting him to tell him not to come over Tuesday i am just going to become uncontactable. Would his set up work with any other girl? he says he has 3 or 4 others, and said that they dont go to his house either. Is this situation acceptable to other people? Is this how casual sex works???
Graceful Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Thanks Graceful for that very insightful and truthful post. Everything you have said is true. After a while i recognised that he was a sex addict , and especially after recently he told me that it wouldnt matter how many times a day he had sex he would still want more. I am addicted too, but i dont think its sex addiction, more an addiction to him. My sex drive runs in the middle, nothing out of the ordinary. Lately, probably in the last 2 months i havent wanted it at all, because of how he treats me. GG, I apologize, I didn't mean to call you a sex addict, I think I just got caught up in it, as we both know he is a sex addict. Again, sorry. A grief counselor is not appropriate for what you need. I don't know what type of healthcare you have, but do you have a PCP (primary care physician) you can call to ask? Usually, your main physician can tell you and give you names and numbers of counselors that are covered in your health care plan. The reason it is critical for you to get into counseling and perhaps find a support group of some kind, is that I don't think you can do this alone. You not only have to understand more fully why you allowed this man to control you the way he did, but you have to get some help with exploring what you need and deserve, raise your self-esteem and figure out how to navigate your way into a healthy life again. Rather than contacting him to tell him not to come over Tuesday i am just going to become uncontactable. Excellent idea, and I totally endorse getting on that immediately. Go NC as of right now. I mean it when I say you should write him off and never speak to him again. He is poison to you. Would his set up work with any other girl? he says he has 3 or 4 others, and said that they dont go to his house either. Is this situation acceptable to other people? Is this how casual sex works? There is no telling how many other women are out there who would allow this man into their lives and let him stay there. For some, a NSA relationship is all they may want, too. There are also many other women who have co-dependent personalities and who suffer from low self-esteem. The thing is that for a man who is a sex addict, he knows how to "target" the right women, that is what he does as a manipulative, diabolical person. Think of him like a bird or animal going out to prey on his victims. Or a vampire. Seriously, he knows how to find women. They are no better than you, they are just objects to him, he objectifies every woman he meets, and his pathology runs very deep. I don't want to dwell on him, though, because you are the one who came to this board for help, and you are the one who knows she needs to make some changes. I commend you for putting yourself on the line, and I want you to succeed this time, because this r/l has persisted far too long. It is like an addiction for you, and with the right tools and the help you need, you can break it. Stay on the board and get the help you need. Wishing you all the best. Take care.
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