Trying to cope

[CSU]

I post on here a few days ago about a guy I was talking to. We had met back in '08 while I was going to school in Alabama. He lived in Ohio. Things were going great he helped me through my experience in Alabama even though we were miles apart. We were alike in so many ways and I could picture myself falling for him. Fast forward to '09 I was going through a lot with my family and I didn't know how to cope so one night I did a bunch of drugs and drank a lot of alcohol and ended up blacking out. Woke up in a hospital and then got sent to a clinic where I had no contact with anyone except family. I really wanted to talk to him to let him know what happened but couldn't. Skip to February/ March of 2010 I had finally gotten out of the place I was at and when I got my phone back I saw he had sent me a text message asking if I was busy. That was sent in November and it was his last message to me. I wanted to respond but I wasn't ready to tell what had happened at least not through a text or phone call so I decided to send a message on myspace. When I got to his page his status was ' I'm going to be a daddy and a husband'. I was torn and heartbroken. I didn't know what to do so I cried. I cried because I was hurt and heartbroken because even though we talked on and off we always talked about a future. He would always ask me what kind of wedding I wanted and he told me for my birthday he was going to buy me a necklace or a ring. We talked about all those things and he told his family about me his friends practically everyone. So when I decided to congratulate him I did through a text and he ended up calling me. We talked for 2 hours and I had told what had happened to me and he told me he still talked to his friends about me and that he still cares and that he envied me and then he told me how it happened. Apparently he had met some girl who had a crush on him but never did anything because he was constantly on the phone with me or texting me after I hadn't responded and after about two weeks of dating they found out she was pregnant. A few weeks later he proposed to her. So within a month they were expecting a child and engaged. He told me that things just fell into the right place and that he didn't want to have a child out wedlock. Which I guess is understandable but at the same time I'm thinking that he's contradicting himself because he would always say that he couldn't marry or get a girl pregnant in less than a year of dating her. I mean even before this girl his ex girlfriend got pregnant after being with him for 2 or 3 years but she ended up getting an abortion behind his back.Fast forward to this time and this point I'm still hurt and heartbroken. I thought I had gotten over this but when I was talking to my ex boyfriend we got on this subject and it had opened up feelings that I had bottled up. I ended crying in his lap because I'm still hurt and even as I'm writing this I'm hurt. He's constantly telling me that this guy a shotgun wedding and those things never last but it hurts because I still have feelings for this guy and I can't do anything about I can't tell him as much as I want to I can't. I've learned to put up a front and act like everything is okay when its not, because at the end of the day when I'm in my room I find crying myself to sleep. I'm stuck with all these emotions that are for him but I can't do anything about it but keep it to myself. Yes I'm trying to keep myself occupied by traveling, dancing, and all that stuff but right now is proving to be hard because I gotta sing and make up a dance to a song that reminds me of him and every time work on it I cry. I'm just tired and I wish I could just tell him how I feel but I can't because its not in my place to. Yes they say time heals all wounds but I'm at my breaking point and I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to rewind time and go back to the point where I messed up and relive it again and not make that mistake again. I just want him back in my life but that can't happen...