Author Hurtbunny Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 I think you came on too hard. been there, done that. You can keep wondering "oh what if"s as much in you'd like. Nothing indicates that he was interested as you as much as you were. LIke my father says: "A guy who keeps talking on fb/IM whatever, and nothing more, is just not interested. there're no ifs and no buts!!!!" learned it the hard way. For all you know, maybe he just sees you as a friend? or maybe he's just loooking for some casual sex? or maybe he's even emotionally blocked, like thinking of another girl? maybe trying to make her jealous by talking to you? my point is: YOU CAN NEVER KNOW FOR SURE UNLESS YOU ASK. mu personal advice to you: seems like you're both looking for different stuff. Don't know what it is he's looking for, but my guess would be - not the same as you. So move on. There're lots of fish in the water. Good luclk. I like this advice. I will move on, don't you worry about that. I did ask him though - outright - what was going on. I feel cheated in the fact that if he isn't looking for anything serious why was he texting me multiple times a day. Not fair really. I completely agree, I think he is blocked somehow. Ie. he wants it but he doesn't want it, and he can't make up his mind. I prob did come on too strong and he thought I was definitely highly interested therefore giving him confidence to sit back and enjoy the ride.
Kissbang Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I swear, it's as if I'm reading my life right now and not yours.. But you know what, hon.. everything's for the best. Distract yourself. Don't think of valentine's!!!!!! Be strong and independent! I forbid you from sitting and waiting for him to figure out his feelings! Leave it as it is. continue. move on. Don't wanna cause you false hopes BUT maybe one day he'll make up his mind and decide that he wants you. Maybe yes and then there's this chance that you'll no longer want him, and maybe not. Doesn't even matter actually. coz you're going to move on as of now!
Jannah Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I mean come on you guys, how many 'how has your day beens' and 'what are you doing todays' can you take EVERY day from a girl/guy you like without wondering what the fk is going on!? Well, that was a poor choice of action on his part, because it creates a false sense of intimacy. But you as the recipient, can limit your interaction by not responding to the numerous texts he sent you throughout the day. It obviously caused mixed signals for you, so there is nothing wrong with putting your foot down in that regard. I could have suggested that - I know - but as I addressed this issue earlier it really isn't up for debate in terms of me taking the initiative. I am sure guys would LIKE for girls to ask them out, but it doesn't happen in the real world. Men still want the chase and the hunt when it comes to dating and girls still want to be the hunted. Thats nature. There is nothing wrong with a female suggesting a meet and greet to a man she is interested in. Now if you've suggested it a few times, and he hasn't followed through with taking you up on your offer, that is a different story. You suggested it, and his response was for you to "come over" to his house in the evening and at the last minute.... And yeah exactly Jannah - you are quite right - I didn't take the texting as SERIOUS indicator of interest at all - I mean he was interested enough to text but not enough to move onto anything else, so that is why I sent the text I did and deleted him, I wasn't prepared to make up excuses for him in my head just because I liked the look of him. There was no dating involved, just casual text communication so if anything, you've made a friend. So, just try to look it that way and enjoy the texting for what it was/is.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 You said you met him at work ... how are your ftf interactions with him through this whole textfest?
Cee Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I read the entire thread with all of your added information and I say... You did the right thing. How I draw that conclusion: -You offered multiple times to meet up and he declined. The ball was in his court and he never suggested you two hang out. -You both are too shy at work to talk to each other. If people are too shy to talk or flirt, face to face, then they probably can't survive a first date. -He mentioned in a text that he was out with friends. This guy has a social life, but has no interest in including you in it. -Him suggesting the last minute drop in was an invitation for casual sex. Shy guys like NSA sex and booty calls too. They may not want girlfriends, but they can have high sex drives. You may be looking for an LTR, but he may be looking for something else. I don't suggest you test that theory though. My hunch is that if you had texted something racy to him, he would have set up a "date" in a heart beat. You both want different things. You- LTR. Him - FB. So I repeat, you did the right thing.
dispatch3d Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 meh, you both kinda fail. Not sure how your recent actions are going to help building a friendship, relationship, etc. They seem kinda counter to anything productive. So uhhh that's my take
daphne Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I think you were harsh, which is why you're second guessing yourself. You don't really know what his reaction might have been if you hadn't completely slammed the door in his face. Perhaps next time, don't react so hastily or so harshly. You can move on in peace. There's no reason to shut the door if you liked the guy. You could have ended up as decent friends at some point down the road. I don't look at things not working out as always a no contact sentence. If you liked someone enough to want to date them, why wouldn't you want them as a friend? Last year I dated someone who sounds a lot like this guy. He texted and called all of the time, as if we were already in a relationship. It took about 3 weeks to meet. He never really put any effort into making things happen. He tried to invite himself over as a booty call, much like your guy did. I got fed up with it. I ended it and he started crying. I tried to be gentle, however, as I was very confident that I was making the right decision. Something was off, and I wasn't going to sit around wondering how the guy felt when I was no longer feeling it for this guy. I wanted a relationship, but not that badly. The whole thing was a turn off and I would have been settling had I not ended it. I think you did the right thing, but perhaps could use a little softening in your approach. I understand your ego was bruised, but he's human too and does have feelings. Just an opinion.
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 I think you were harsh, which is why you're second guessing yourself. You don't really know what his reaction might have been if you hadn't completely slammed the door in his face. Perhaps next time, don't react so hastily or so harshly. You can move on in peace. There's no reason to shut the door if you liked the guy. You could have ended up as decent friends at some point down the road. I don't look at things not working out as always a no contact sentence. If you liked someone enough to want to date them, why wouldn't you want them as a friend? Last year I dated someone who sounds a lot like this guy. He texted and called all of the time, as if we were already in a relationship. It took about 3 weeks to meet. He never really put any effort into making things happen. He tried to invite himself over as a booty call, much like your guy did. I got fed up with it. I ended it and he started crying. I tried to be gentle, however, as I was very confident that I was making the right decision. Something was off, and I wasn't going to sit around wondering how the guy felt when I was no longer feeling it for this guy. I wanted a relationship, but not that badly. The whole thing was a turn off and I would have been settling had I not ended it. I think you did the right thing, but perhaps could use a little softening in your approach. I understand your ego was bruised, but he's human too and does have feelings. Just an opinion. Good point, however I seem to have now completely scared off anyone that had an interest in me..... I think to be honest my feeling was that he would have just stopped contacting me or never asked me out (both of which I would take as a rejection tbh) so maybe this way I effectively slammed the door in his face before he had a chance to do either of those.. I am pretty sure that he wouldn't have but because of what I've done I guess I'll never find out. And oh god, I saw him at work yesterday and got a proper chance to see how he was with other people - he is really confident, so I kinda despise him now. I feel as if I'M the one who has been rejected here, he could easily have come back and said sorry you've got me all wrong or something but he hasn't, he could have tried to change my mind about him. Ahhhh ****, gone and screwed another one up again.
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 I read the entire thread with all of your added information and I say... You did the right thing. How I draw that conclusion: -You offered multiple times to meet up and he declined. The ball was in his court and he never suggested you two hang out. -You both are too shy at work to talk to each other. If people are too shy to talk or flirt, face to face, then they probably can't survive a first date. -He mentioned in a text that he was out with friends. This guy has a social life, but has no interest in including you in it. -Him suggesting the last minute drop in was an invitation for casual sex. Shy guys like NSA sex and booty calls too. They may not want girlfriends, but they can have high sex drives. You may be looking for an LTR, but he may be looking for something else. I don't suggest you test that theory though. My hunch is that if you had texted something racy to him, he would have set up a "date" in a heart beat. You both want different things. You- LTR. Him - FB. So I repeat, you did the right thing. -------- Tankyou, this was my original thinking too, but now I am second guessing myself. I mean, all the evidence DOES point to that he wasn't that interested, the fact I've heard nothing since I sent the text is leading me to think I was right all along. I kind of wish I didn't send the trumped up text now, felt good at the time. I kind of think the NOT knowing is worse than him just messing me around, should have let it play out and let him mess me around if he wanted, i know that is not ideal but better than what I am feeling now i.e that I slammed the door before he had a chance. ..but IMO at the point I said look, whats going on? he could have arranged something then, or then when I sent the text back. He had already had chances and its like - a mark of low self esteem to keep giving 'em out. After seeing him interact with people at work he seems like a flirt around other women and extremely self confident - which doesn't tie in to how nervous he was around me (i;m attractive but he deals with super attractive women on a daily basis because of his job) so got no fricking clue what has gone on. arghhh. :(
LexiB Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Maybe he's separated... Seriously, if not for the fact that you don't live in the US, I'd swear we'd both fallen for the same guy. Only difference is I caved after abt a week of incessant texting to ask him wtf was going on; the above came out later.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I think you did the right thing - but I don't agree with your choice of words. Who really knows "exactly what they want"? Not too many of us. In any case, it's time to stop thinking and talking about him. Next time, absolutely do NOT participate in a long drawn out "relationship" over text, IM, or whatever with anyone you could possibly see in person. I am still wondering how it goes when you see this guy at your workplace, where you originally met??
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 I think you did the right thing - but I don't agree with your choice of words. Who really knows "exactly what they want"? Not too many of us. In any case, it's time to stop thinking and talking about him. Next time, absolutely do NOT participate in a long drawn out "relationship" over text, IM, or whatever with anyone you could possibly see in person. I am still wondering how it goes when you see this guy at your workplace, where you originally met?? I kind of have given up thinking about it to be honest. And yes, I do realise part of the blame is on myself for allowing all of this texting to occur without a meet up ever being set. Well I saw him at work on Monday and it was mega awkward, he said 'Hiya <my name> and smiled like absolutely nothing had happened. This is just going to get worse and worse since this monday EVENING (which is valentines day night) we are scheduled to be working together <yes this is fricking unlucky> until 8.30om at night and I just know I am going to bump into him. Damn, I was so sure he wasn't a timewaster and a genuine person as well. Or maybe I just needed him to be. I felt livid when I saw him by the way which surprised me, its almost like a feeling of anger that he failed to live up to any of my expectations at all. And I do feel rejected in the sense that I don't even feel good enough for him to meet up with in person so how low does that make me?!!? I know that is just negative thinking and the problem could all be with him but I guess I am feeling pretty low at the moment. I just feel like avoiding him until I can get another job (and I love that job which is a shame) because I feel THAT messed around by him. Its like a hige dent in my ego and I guess I felt low anyway so then having this amazing guy showing such interest in me made me think I wasn't such a waste of time, now having him totally not commit to meeting up makes me think I was prob right about the whole thing. Argh, just depressive talk. And before you guys say it, I know he hasn't done anything wrong really more like a misunderstanding but I always seem to get the flakes, fakes, cheats and liars. And to be honest, anyone that ever got into a relationship with anyone 'knew exactly what they wanted' hence them giving up their wild oats to be with that one person. You know when you meet the right person thats exactly what you want, and I am fed up of not being the right person I guess. I had CBT today and told my therapist all of the above and she thinks I am dealing with everything pretty well considering my horrible past history with men.
Nexus One Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 (edited) I had CBT today and told my therapist all of the above and she thinks I am dealing with everything pretty well considering my horrible past history with men. Well then in the name of all men, let me apologize for our asinine behavior. Sorry Hurtbunny, some of us really suck, no excuse will make up what we have done to you and other women. PS: What the hell is that jumping thing with the flappy ears? It doesn't have any arms or legs. That poor thing. Edited February 9, 2011 by Nexus One
xpaperxcutx Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Well then in the name of all men, let me apologize for our asinine behavior. Sorry Hurtbunny, some of us really suck, no excuse will make up what we have done to you and other women. PS: What the hell is that jumping thing with the flappy ears? It doesn't have any arms or legs. That poor thing. That's the LS bunny. It's only used for " shacking" references HS, I think you did the right thing. The first thing to recognizing you have a problem with flakey men is accepting that you attract them like flies only this time around you're ready with a flyswatter. So swat away!
dispatch3d Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I think you were harsh, which is why you're second guessing yourself. You don't really know what his reaction might have been if you hadn't completely slammed the door in his face. Perhaps next time, don't react so hastily or so harshly. You can move on in peace. There's no reason to shut the door if you liked the guy. You could have ended up as decent friends at some point down the road. I don't look at things not working out as always a no contact sentence. If you liked someone enough to want to date them, why wouldn't you want them as a friend? Last year I dated someone who sounds a lot like this guy. He texted and called all of the time, as if we were already in a relationship. It took about 3 weeks to meet. He never really put any effort into making things happen. He tried to invite himself over as a booty call, much like your guy did. I got fed up with it. I ended it and he started crying. I tried to be gentle, however, as I was very confident that I was making the right decision. Something was off, and I wasn't going to sit around wondering how the guy felt when I was no longer feeling it for this guy. I wanted a relationship, but not that badly. The whole thing was a turn off and I would have been settling had I not ended it. I think you did the right thing, but perhaps could use a little softening in your approach. I understand your ego was bruised, but he's human too and does have feelings. Just an opinion. Three weeks? Lol mannnnn I feel sorry for this guy. I seriously figure if me and a girl can't get together for a coffee in 1 week I should just move on.
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 I stand corrected, and I accept your apology on behalf of all men, haha thanks
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 That's the LS bunny. It's only used for " shacking" references HS, I think you did the right thing. The first thing to recognizing you have a problem with flakey men is accepting that you attract them like flies only this time around you're ready with a flyswatter. So swat away! I seriously do don't I?!?!!! <get the flakes> I wonder why.. I am certainly not externalizing all of the blame here... he reminded me a lot of my ex in terms of his getting in touch with me and keeping me hanging and his general demeanour with people. I guess this sounds awful but on a base level I was just attracted to him in terms of looks and body and went from there instead of looking for personality and similar life expectations and then working UP an attraction from there, if that makes sense. I guess for ages I have holding out for that person who has a bit of both ie. highly attractive to me and great personality but I guess if I hold onto that I will keep getting burned!
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Three weeks? Lol mannnnn I feel sorry for this guy. I seriously figure if me and a girl can't get together for a coffee in 1 week I should just move on. Exactly, because YOU have some balls to either ask them out or move on, and you don't have the time nor patience to mess around either. I seriously question how sad his life must have been to be texting me morning noon and night and yet not be able to ask me out for a drink or anything. I mean surely after all of that texting and flirting back and forth he KNEW i was interested to a level where he could ask me out. Or like OP has said there are other factors involved here that we don't know about yet that might make more sense. I am actually pretty happy today though because I feel like my flyswatter (haha:P) was justified in its use and I am glad I sniffed this out before it got any worse. His loss basically.
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 thanks for all your posts guys, I really appreciate it. So useful to have different perspectives, each one of you has been really helpful, thankyou... I guess I will have to update on Monday after the shift from hell... lol... I seem to go bright red and lose it whenever I am around him, i think with it being valentine's day and me being single I am not going to feel too happy by the end of it.... I try and not feel angry when I'm around him but I just can't help it... seeing him walk around so cocky like he owns the place... ARGHHH!!!
Author Hurtbunny Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Sorry for the large gap, it was around valentine's day i last posted. I felt I should update you since it has been quite a long thread and everyone has been so helpful, articulate and supportive. I really appreciate all of the constructive advice. I ended up leaving that job as I was offered a better one but I didn't say goodbye to him so I'm not even aware if he knew i'd left (maybe he found out from somebody else). So its been 4 maybe 5 weeks with no contact and I thought I would never hear from him again, and I took everyone's advice and moved on and forgot all about him. I had already deleted his number, deleted him from facebook and then about a week ago I deleted him from Twitter as well. Up until then he was still able to see my newsfeeds and what I was getting up to. Anyway, earlier tonight I got a text saying 'Hi (my name ), how is it going? How is the (specific hobby of mine I told him about) coming along?x So anyway, I didn't know who it was, and I just got a new BB recently and I've had trouble storing legitimate friends numbers... so i replied saying 'sorry got a new phone.. who is this.' anyway he replies and puts 'its (his name) from (the place we worked) x So first of this was a huge shock to hear from him again. My instinct was that he had heard about the better job that I'd got and become more interested, my second thought was that he's clearly going through some lull or gap in his lovelife and got bored and thought 'Hey, lets text that girl again, see if she's an option still or whether I fully blew it.' In a way it was nice to know that he hadn't given up on it, but why should I give him a chance now, he's made no apology, and for all I know he's leading me down the garden path of text city 24-7 again. If he wants to apologise or sort something out he can always try again as he DOES have ny number (I know he probably won't but I'm just saying.) Its the whole 'is the interest high enough' thing which I keep coming back to again and again; none of this is unrealistic if the guy is into you. So, without asking anyone for advice first, I just deleted the whole thread. So I don't have his number, again. There was no witty reply I could think of that was better than just plain out and out ignoring him. Guys: in the future, don't mess around. If you're juggling a set of options please note that we aren't stupid, and if you get in touch with us 5 weeks later we know that you're scraping the barrell for scraps. Realistically - he would have to stand outside right now, reciting shakespeare and thowing stones at my bedroom window before I would give him an opening again. I'm feeling rather empowered. H x
Von Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Well I didn't have time to read this whole thread, but I wanted to post to give you a different opinion on what this guy "might" have been thinking. Btw, this gave me alot of insight into what I've done in the past. Anyways, Im a guy that knows what I want, I'm pretty dam confident, but I still with some women that I like alot act aloof and dance around directly asking them out. Why? Because I'm too nervous to from fear. I wouldn't call it insecurity, or wussiness on my part. It's usually because I like the girl alot and dont want to get rejected. AGAIN. So many guys get rejected so many times, especially "shy nice ones" like you described him, that there can be a deep fear of being rejected. It screws with your ego pretty bad. (if women didn't reject so many guys all the time, these scenarious wouldn't happen) 2 months ago this exact thing happened to me. She eventually had to to tell me "so when are you taking me on a date?". She was the first girl I had liked in About 10 months. So I was nervous about getting my ego bruised by a rejector. But I did ask her out after that, had a great date. But afterwards I didn't chase her. So she disappeared on me. Anyways, she ended up being a flakey girl that played way too hard to get so in the end I rejected her when she tried to friendzone me. The last girl though, made alot of first contact and SHOWED alot of interest in me, and there was so much chemistry, that I had no problem asking her on a date within a week of first contact. She put in enough effort that I felt comfortable enough to know I wouldn't get rejected. Something to think about....
Author Hurtbunny Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 for that reply, hmm yes I see what you mean, but a lot of me feels that in this case it is wishful thinking. Even if he is shy he has had ample opportunity now; I green lighted him in the fact I flirted with him <obviously>, replied back to hundreds of his texts (geez, how much more confirmation do u need?!?!) I feel like for him to not know that I wasn't interested in him is unrealistic.. what kind of 30 year old man doesn't know this? More likely than not, he understood it perfectly well but was either juggling other options or some unfinished business elsewhere. Now there is a 'lull' or an opening I come back into the frame. Guys, am I just being a cynic? Or am I being realistic? (If we are able to juggle people around as options then what makes us so arrogant as to think that the OTHER sex do exactly the same??) I still don't understand why he was texting me all the damn time though... I've never had anyone text me so .... aggressively only for it to come to no conclusion. IMO he overestimated how interested I was in him, or had me pegged down as someone he could return to at a later date. He was wrong.
Author Hurtbunny Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 The last girl though, made alot of first contact and SHOWED alot of interest in me, and there was so much chemistry, that I had no problem asking her on a date within a week of first contact. She put in enough effort that I felt comfortable enough to know I wouldn't get rejected. Something to think about.... I get that you should show enough interest to let the other person know that you are interested, but come on.. there has to be a LIMIT. I had told I thought he was 'nice' in 1 of my text msgs, but I didn't really have a lot else to say.... because I dodn't know anything about him, only what he told me in text (not much) and in the few minutes when we actually physically spoke to each other. So all that I had to hang my interest on was the fact he was physically attractive to me. But still, after the first week of texts and still not knowing anything concrete about him I was ready to next him. I know guys can stay interested simply due to how highly they rate your attractiveness but it isn't enough for me. The worst of it is he made me feel like I was being stupid for getting impatient and saying that 'he hadn't realised he had had chances and not taken them.' A large part of me thinks that this is nonsense. If I wanted to make myself believe he was genuine I would have text him back immediately and fallen into the same trap again. As it is, I have a rational head on and make my decisions using logic rather than what I desperately want - which is a LTR. I really don't understand men.
Nexus One Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 (edited) My instinct was that he had heard about the better job that I'd got and become more interested I'm fairly sure, that when it comes to women, most guys don't give a rats ass about a woman's income or wealth. This might sound a bit silly, but if a woman who was a multi-billionaire would ask me if I would date her, then I'd make the decision based on whether I think I can fall in love with her or not. If I think that would not be the case, then I would respectfully decline. So personally I think your instinct might have been off there, although there could of course be exceptions. Guys: in the future, don't mess around. If you're juggling a set of options please note that we aren't stupid, and if you get in touch with us 5 weeks later we know that you're scraping the barrell for scraps. How do you know he was juggling options? Do you have proof for that or are you merely jumping to a conclusion? Realistically - he would have to stand outside right now, reciting shakespeare and thowing stones at my bedroom window before I would give him an opening again. Girls really dig that? I should buy myself a new acoustic guitar then, as my current one is broken. Edited March 27, 2011 by Nexus One
Author Hurtbunny Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 Really good post, I completely agree that men don't really care about how much money a woman makes. But... in this case the job I left to the job I have now is a pretty unbelievable betterment, hence my rationalisation. I am slim and what society deems as 'attractive' so I really don't get what what made him not follow through. I think you can drive yourself nuts with this kind of analysis since there will never be one answer - however for me it is kind of a big deal since I've been single for so long and nobody ever gets past 'my barriers' like this. Whats really driving me nuts is the thought that I was in a group of 'options' that he was texting (while giving his attention to his Number '1' and keeping the rest in text land.) OP - I'm pretty thorough with my research, even though he doesn't use his real name I found him lurking on match.com stating that he is available and ready to find the love of his life. What is even more annoying is that I fit all of his criteria and I found out a bunch of other stuff about him that makes him even more eligible to me. And no I don't use it - I set up a fake profile, because I was so certain I was right. He's playing the field.
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