Nexus One Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I thought the invitation was for her to go see him at his flat and made at an unreasonable time. It does make a difference. Seems a little forward for someone who is a nice, shy guy regardless of his intentions. If it was at an unreasonable time that would be somewhat weird yes. Some people are completely clueless about etiquette though.
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 I know, right? When I replied and said 'definitely another time though at a reasonable hour'... and I thought maybe he would regret being so bold and then invite me sometime in the day the following week.. but no invite... but yet still the texting day in, day out, so weird....
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 lol i'm not from the USA.. well thats the thing... because we work together he has a clear and easy opportunity to get me on my own (i work in a place where I am on my own a lot and no one comes in to check) so it makes NO sense as to why he wouldn't want to come and do some flirting with the girl he is texting 20 times a day, right? then again the two times we did speak in person he went bright red and was like totally stuttering and everything (so was I) and it was really embarrasing for both of us which is why I have given him so much leeway.... (this is not me making excuses for him he genuinely seemed to be at a loss for words with me)
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 even factoring in how shy we both are, why hadn't he just invited me over to his place, he could down a glass of wine for courage or whatever. Or just straight up say 'I'm really shy and thats why I have acted like this.' Instead of explaining himself he replied with 'sorry didn't realise i had had that many chances. sorry' but in his reply there was room for him to make a comeback in my eyes which he didn't take! and he also said he had no explaining to do as he isn't seeing anyone at all! whether this is true or not I do not know!
Nexus One Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 (edited) I know, right? When I replied and said 'definitely another time though at a reasonable hour'... and I thought maybe he would regret being so bold and then invite me sometime in the day the following week.. but no invite... but yet still the texting day in, day out, so weird.... Well you know what it is about texting. Many men don't really like it and also don't take it seriously. I know guys who don't even take e-mailing seriously, not even when there is money/business involved with said e-mails, they either just don't read them, don't care about them or not even see it as a serious form of communication. They generally care only for actually talking face to face or by phone. But you mentioned he started texting you 20 times a day, so he probably does like it, but perhaps he still doesn't take that form of communication very seriously. So I suggest to you that if you guys ever talk again and you're interested that you keep communication face to face and set a time, date and place in one of those conversations and make sure he puts it in his paper agenda or the agenda in his phone and on top of that remind him of the date. Edited February 4, 2011 by Nexus One
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 Thats a really good point, some people don't take texts seriously. Sadly I don't think he will as he can't even man up enough to ask me out via text so I seriously doubt he would make concrete plans in person. Thanks again for all your replies...I am just so frustrated and upset about it because I had gotten so excited about the whole fricking thing, dating etc, been single for so long now, and we had texted SO much it had just seemed inevitable to me that he would ask me out... I mean I just assumed he would ask me out and that would be that. Now I know a lot of you will think why didn't YOU just ask him out, but to me, I would always always feel like he had said yes because it was available and not because he really liked me, and I have never asked a guy out in my life. I know he is chronically shy especially with me but he has my facebook etc so he could have asked me out via text or online or anything, there were ways around it everything about him was so perfect as well, gutted
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Re: texting mania,I know, my exes all HATED texting and I was lucky to get as many texts out of them in a week as this guy gives in a day! One ex I had text me 3 times a week in the early stages, always when we were going to meet up and anything else he had no time for! I was upset of course but I got the logic behind it! As I told this guy, 'you need to explain yourself because I was just going to stop repyling you today. The texting thing has gotten a little weird since we haven't properly met up in person yet, and you don't seem to want to meet up, whats the deal??' and all he had to comeback with was as I've already said, the many chances thing. NOT 'Yeah I do really wana meet up with you' or 'Next wednesday? Meet me at x bar, don't be late' WHY don't men themselves take the initiative? How could he be so scared that he couldn't ask me out when I had already said a few times that I would like to see him (albeit I was already out with other friends but this hints enough that I am interested surely) I fully believe he would still be texting me 20 times a day if i hadn't have called him on it, and he wouldn't have asked me on a date either!
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 The very last text i sent him in full: 'Here is the deal. Your last msg indicated you realise you DID have 1 or more chances with me, correct? Well, in my world when you get ONE chance you act on it, and perhaps do a geeky dance in private - lol! I might be single for the rest of my life for that is what I am holding out for! I have absolutely no time for people that don't know exactly what they want!x' Not heard from him since.
Nexus One Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 The very last text i sent him in full: 'Here is the deal. Your last msg indicated you realise you DID have 1 or more chances with me, correct? Well, in my world when you get ONE chance you act on it, and perhaps do a geeky dance in private - lol! I might be single for the rest of my life for that is what I am holding out for! I have absolutely no time for people that don't know exactly what they want!x' Not heard from him since. That last line could have (possibly) scared him away. I don't know what his mindset is or was, but if he's a reasonable guy and has the idea you have no time for "people like him", then perhaps he's calling it quits, because he doesn't want to bother you anymore and hence is leaving you alone to respect your wish. Not sure though.
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 lol. yeah I know, seemed like a great idea at the time, but my frustration was growing ten fold with every day that went by that he didn't ask me out so something had to be done. I mean for all he knew I was HAPPY to be texted like that - I had not indicated otherwise and he isn't a mind reader is he? Now he knows the score and knows that I want something and not just texting I haven't heard from him again. By the way - even if he did ask me out now I think I would say no on the basis that no one should feel forced into doing something which is what I feel like I am doing - but it is HIM who made all the moves here with giving me his number etc so why isn't he following through with that?!! I think another thing could be that he doesn't like to be told what to do or how to feel ie. he was going to do things in his own sweet time and my little outburst has made him requestion the whole thing bigtime. I mean, he can't text me anymore and he knows I think its pointless without a meet up, and he hasn't turned around and asked me on a date either, so I guess thats that! :(
Nexus One Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 lol. yeah I know, seemed like a great idea at the time, but my frustration was growing ten fold with every day that went by that he didn't ask me out so something had to be done. I mean for all he knew I was HAPPY to be texted like that - I had not indicated otherwise and he isn't a mind reader is he? Now he knows the score and knows that I want something and not just texting I haven't heard from him again. By the way - even if he did ask me out now I think I would say no on the basis that no one should feel forced into doing something which is what I feel like I am doing - but it is HIM who made all the moves here with giving me his number etc so why isn't he following through with that?!! I think another thing could be that he doesn't like to be told what to do or how to feel ie. he was going to do things in his own sweet time and my little outburst has made him requestion the whole thing bigtime. I mean, he can't text me anymore and he knows I think its pointless without a meet up, and he hasn't turned around and asked me on a date either, so I guess thats that! :( Will you not see him again at work and talk?
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 It sounds to me like you wanted your guy to read between the lines of your actions and words. Men generally don't do that, they only understand clear and direct tactful language. That's probably why he said what he said about not realizing he had so many chances to meet up. Describe them to me. Will you not see him again at work and talk? Well I think it would take me walking up to him and making convo, because this guy is so shy around me, seriously. We are both shy around each other. We work in different depts but there is always the opportunity for him to come down and see me on his breaks and I normally walk past him / see him in the communal areas once a week. All I can think is how awkward it is actually going to be considering the last text i sent but then again a grown man shouldn't be texting a woman 20 times a day for 4 weeks and then getting confused as to why she has lost patience!
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Oh and now I have helpfully deleted him on fb and all internet comms so when he finds this out he will probably realise how hacked off I am. I mean, should I even talk to him after this??? Why should I, he never explained himself properly and the onus is on him to have asked me out as the guy which he never did...
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 don't think this is like a normal courtship where I have gone all skitzo on him for not asking me out... sometimes he would text me like 10 times in an HOUR... it was really full on and I am not much of a texter but it was just far too intense to say we hadn't met up in person... I was starting to get attached to the texting and constant attention and I realised that I had to pull away since I don't even know him properly and a 10 minute chat over a coffee might prove to us both that we have absolutely nothing in common!
Nexus One Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I was starting to get attached to the texting and constant attention and I realised that I had to pull away since I don't even know him properly and a 10 minute chat over a coffee might prove to us both that we have absolutely nothing in common! Well perhaps that 10 minute conversation is what should happen then, to find out if you really like him and to find out what went wrong exactly. Having not much in common doesn't necessarily have to be bad though, sometimes a person can add to your life and personality and be a complete blast to be with, regardless of some major differences.
Jannah Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 OP try to avoid texting back and forth for three weeks straight when you first meet someone. You're not expected to respond to excessive texts that are friendly/flirty in nature with no real interest on his part for the two of you going out and spending time together getting to know each other in person. Inviting you to come over to his house at night, does not cut it. On the flip side, you could have also suggested going out on such and such a day. Regardless, I think given he was the initiator as far as daily communication goes, to such an extent but not showing a genuine interest in anything but "texting", you can't really take seriously at this juncture.
yellowhibiscus Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 The only thing I can think of is maybe he has social anxiety or something like that in which it is easier for him to text than to meet in person...
oaks Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 And yes I desperately want a LTR! Yes I got that impression. Maybe he did, too, and it put him off.
oaks Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 The very last text i sent him in full: 'Here is the deal. Your last msg indicated you realise you DID have 1 or more chances with me, correct? Well, in my world when you get ONE chance you act on it, and perhaps do a geeky dance in private - lol! I might be single for the rest of my life for that is what I am holding out for! I have absolutely no time for people that don't know exactly what they want!x' Not heard from him since. You didn't really expect to hear from him after that, did you? Those words arrive in my brain as "you had chances and you know it. you didn't take them. you've blown it. goodbye."
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Yep, social anxiety could be one - and this would fit with how nervous he was the whole time. But as I pointed out to my friend he has a job where he has to be highly confident at all times so that doesn't really make sense. She said it is different types of confidence which I get but i find it unlikely someone could be THAT shy... And yes, i think I do realise that I have probably scared him off since the title of the thread is did I do the right thing....
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 You didn't really expect to hear from him after that, did you? Those words arrive in my brain as "you had chances and you know it. you didn't take them. you've blown it. goodbye." But he has blown it, hasn't he? Even if he asked me out now I wouldn't say yes because I think people should take their chances. The question I am asking is did I do the right thing?
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Well perhaps that 10 minute conversation is what should happen then, to find out if you really like him and to find out what went wrong exactly. Having not much in common doesn't necessarily have to be bad though, sometimes a person can add to your life and personality and be a complete blast to be with, regardless of some major differences. The way I am feeling now he would have to explain himself better than he already has for me to want to converse with him any further. The text I sent I still feel 50-50 that I was right and the other half of me thinks I was harsh but at least I put closure to something that was bugging the hell out of me EVERY day.
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 OP try to avoid texting back and forth for three weeks straight when you first meet someone. You're not expected to respond to excessive texts that are friendly/flirty in nature with no real interest on his part for the two of you going out and spending time together getting to know each other in person. Inviting you to come over to his house at night, does not cut it. On the flip side, you could have also suggested going out on such and such a day. Regardless, I think given he was the initiator as far as daily communication goes, to such an extent but not showing a genuine interest in anything but "texting", you can't really take seriously at this juncture. good constructive advice.. I like. Yeah I get that I am partly to blame for replying to them all but I guess I got excited and I never thought we would just stay in a text zone, I thought there was going to be a purpose to it all. So I thought it was a little weird but convinced myself he would ask me out any way now and the texting would calm down... I mean come on you guys, how many 'how has your day beens' and 'what are you doing todays' can you take EVERY day from a girl/guy you like without wondering what the fk is going on!? I could have suggested that - I know - but as I addressed this issue earlier it really isn't up for debate in terms of me taking the initiative. I am sure guys would LIKE for girls to ask them out, but it doesn't happen in the real world. Men still want the chase and the hunt when it comes to dating and girls still want to be the hunted. Thats nature. And how pathetic would i feel asking him on a date anyway when I had given him chances to meet me and he hadn't taken them. He DID understand he had had chances, he only said sorry because he wasn't aware that 'he has had THAT many chances' How many did he want? Was he thinking I would keep giving -em out or what? I mean come on ladies is this what you want from mr. right? How many chances do most guys need when anything above an 8 out of 10 walks into their life? Lets be honest in the fact that the lower the interest level the longer you sit around and wait. You are effectively wighing up your options because the option in question is not good ENOUGH! And that is how I feel right now. Not good enough for the guy in question to be honest. The only inconsistency in this is that you would expect the texting to have tailed off but it never did, but again that might be loneliness or whatever. Sheer boredom. I refuse to lie to myself when evidence points to the fact he just wasn't that into me. It would make me look desperate to have done the asking .IMO the onus was on him to ask me a on a date to make sure I didn't lose interest myself And yeah exactly Jannah - you are quite right - I didn't take the texting as SERIOUS indicator of interest at all - I mean he was interested enough to text but not enough to move onto anything else, so that is why I sent the text I did and deleted him, I wasn't prepared to make up excuses for him in my head just because I liked the look of him. IMO he thought he had caught my interest sufficiently enough to keep me on the backburner and as text entertainment until he decided exactly what he wanted. He <mistakenly> thought I would wait around for him to weigh up his options and decide, not realising that even thought I did like him I have no time for people who don't know what they want. I would do it all again next month if it happens with someone who seems an even better match than this one, the question is did I do the right thing? Like I said I agree with the OP who earlier said that if I guy likes you he will ask you out and there will be less waiting, it is as simple as that. And I hate all of this overanalysing when I have only ever met him in person twice briefly, but again, whos fault is that???!!
Kissbang Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I think you came on too hard. been there, done that. You can keep wondering "oh what if"s as much in you'd like. Nothing indicates that he was interested as you as much as you were. LIke my father says: "A guy who keeps talking on fb/IM whatever, and nothing more, is just not interested. there're no ifs and no buts!!!!" learned it the hard way. For all you know, maybe he just sees you as a friend? or maybe he's just loooking for some casual sex? or maybe he's even emotionally blocked, like thinking of another girl? maybe trying to make her jealous by talking to you? my point is: YOU CAN NEVER KNOW FOR SURE UNLESS YOU ASK. mu personal advice to you: seems like you're both looking for different stuff. Don't know what it is he's looking for, but my guess would be - not the same as you. So move on. There're lots of fish in the water. Good luclk.
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 I think there IS someone else to be honest, either someone he is getting over or someone he was going to be getting with and then he started texting me which threw a bag of spanners in the works. But if he was biding his time he had to expect for me to lose interest depending on a) how messed around I have been in dating (high!) and b) how desperate I am for a LTR (again, very high! but no way I am going to let him mess me around because of that) This has all come to a head because I haven't dated properly for over a year and I am fed up of being single. I am in my early twenties and ALL of my close friends are in rships (this is just the way it has turned out) . Last week I showed up for a date to a guy that had badgered me for months (I hadn't said yes because he is LOT younger than me) and he was a complete no show. No apology or anything. So I guess the anger from that has bled into this in the fact that I haven't got time for people who cannot decide what they want, and any wishy washyness of the other persons part now makes me head for the hills. You LET people treat you a certain way, and you always how the power to REMOVE them or the way they are treating you which is exactly what I have done here. How many of you would be saying how stupid I am if I had let it carry on for 6 months? You would be saying I was deluded and desperate probably, and probably that after a month I should have smelt the coffee and got rid of him. Well I saved myself some time and did get rid! I get compliments from people ALL the time about how smart and beautiful I am and yet this never translates to my love life, I always seem to be the second person or the person waiting around. I had counted my eggs before they had hatched with this guy which is why I am so upset, I thought i would finally have someone and with valentine's day around the corner it rubs salt in the wound. I mean, when someone is texting you stuff like 'I'm in bed now, sweet dreams, blah blah,' you DO think that they are into you!?! I was SO sure he was going to ask me out, and I think he was SO sure I was going to wait around. Both of us found something out about each other then I guess?! Not to sound like a complete desperado but he was SO perfect for me on paper as well, same interests+ hobbies, same life experience, right age, right family location, right job, i just liked everything about him on paper and was so disappointed when this did not translate to real life. Gutted.
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