Hurtbunny Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 >Met this guy at work, had instant connection, flirted a lot, but we are both really shy. Added him to my twitter+facebook and stuff and got really excited about it as I was certain something was gonna happen and I have been single for a helluva long time. So he texts ME straight away after asking for my number and proceeds to text me like.. 20 times a day for about 3 weeks. Was great at first but then started to wonder if he was ever going to ask me out. Text content: he would ask stuff like 'when are u free' and 'do u have plans this weekend' but when I say no he NEVER asks me out. He would text me first thing in morning and at night, almost like a bf-gf kinda thing. Started to get really fed up with him just not asking me out and PLEASE don't say you should have asked him out cos 99% of guys know that girls like to be asked. We want independance but we are still old fashioned in that way, lets be honest. Now I gave him about a month to ask me out cos I know he is shy and acted really shy around me. But I am also chronically shy... I am sorry but I told the guy I was FREE and had NO plans... GREEN LIGHT ANYONE!?!?! how much more obvious do I have to make it? It feels like he has loads of possible girls in rotation he is texting, and last night I text him calling him out on it (yep, hard to believe but I actually TOLD him exactly what I thought and said what is the point of texting me 20 times a day but yet you never seem to want to meet up... and i asked him outright are you seeing anyone) he replied and said 'no not seeing anyone and sorry I didn't realise I had had that many chances to meet up with you. Sorry.' so I replied and said well if you realised you had one chance with me you should have taken it, I don't have any time for people who don't know exactly what they want. Anyway tonight I got so fed up I deleted him completely on fb and twitter and am now regretting it. He hasn't replied to the text I sent. but even if he asked me out now I would wonder whether it is cos he is stuck for a date on valentine's day and I would feel bad that he took so long to get around to asking me about it. On the one hand I might have stuffed up a really shy guy who was building up courage to ask me out, on the other, I gave him numerous clear opportunities to meet up with me and he took none of them so maybe I was saving myself some time. WHO thinks I am right for speaking my mind and who thinks I have been too harsh? Thankyou sorry it is long xx
Jazzari Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I think you were overly harsh. I don't have any time for people who don't know exactly what they want. This especially was out of line. It may have been the truth, but you came off as a stone cold b*.
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 I think a lot of people will probably agree with you. In my defence I kind of said it in a jokey way and added a kiss at the end, so it wasn't meant to be taken as me being a bitch. This is the problem with sms, you can never get the right context I guess. I guess when I sent the text I wanted to cut through the crap basically. I realise I may have completely alienated him now, but if he really wanted to ask me out, he would have.
tigressA Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I think you certainly did the right thing. You were more than clear in giving him a green light to ask you out, multiple times, and he never did so. If he had been truly interested, no matter how shy he is he would've asked you. I had a date with a shy guy once; I was his first date ever. His shyness didn't stop him from asking me out in a matter of days--and we met online. You met this guy at work; you were texting and otherwise corresponding for WEEKS, and still nothing. Forget him. When you meet someone who's really interested in you, you'll know because they will waste very little to no time in asking you out.
Nexus One Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 (edited) It sounds to me like you wanted your guy to read between the lines of your actions and words. Men generally don't do that, they only understand clear and direct tactful language. That's probably why he said what he said about not realizing he had so many chances to meet up. I gave him numerous clear opportunities to meet up with meDescribe them to me. Edited February 4, 2011 by Nexus One
musemaj11 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Good u stop contact with him. The guy deserves someone better. He sounds like a nice but really shy guy.
O'Malley Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 If taking some initiative (asking him to a specific time and place, instead of waiting around for him to do so) isn't your style, then likely you are not compatible with this guy. On his side of the equation, overly texting someone, then not taking initiative to ask you out when you replied to his question, can come across as uncertainty and insecurity. It's possible that, as with some shy people, it's harder for him to gauge signs of interest, and proceed simply on that.
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 I see. You think that I didn't make it clear ENOUGH to him, right? interesting... How about the saturday night when I text 'it would be great if you came down to have a few drinks with me at some point, we r in such and such a bar' <gave him a running commentary as we moved from bar to bar). I even said to him not to be shy or nervous and I would look after him as I was only out with 2 girlfriends + he had previously said he was free this evening I ended up getting a very apologetic text at 1am saying he sorry but had gone to a friends instead and it had ran over. but asking did i have a nice night blah blah. am i right in thinking if his interest level was high enough he would have been over to see me in a flash??? OR 'Come down and talk to me, I am really bored need entertainment' <we work at the same place but he can easily come talk to me on his breaks) and I tried this a couple of times but he either said he was busy OR said he tried and couldn't find me i put this down to shyness at first) plus MORE! about a handful of times basically but all the while he is happy to text me 20 times a day which shows enough interest but again for the life of me I have no idea why he wouldn't want to meet up with me in person. So perplexed and I have no time for timewasters. the ONLY time he wanted to meet me or even suggested anything to that effect was when i had finished work and he text saying something to the effect of drop by my flat if you are in the area type of thing. I immediately thought wtf? Do I look like a booty call or what? and declined but I said 'definitely another time at a reasonable hour'..... he never asked me to come over again!!! Now I know this will lead you to think he is a player or whatever but like I said he THEN continued to text me ALL the time so it does seem he hasn't got a clue what he wants¬!!
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 in response to the OP, he is nice, and shy. But like I said he has no clue what he wants
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 I did take intiative and gave him as much hints as I could possibly take in terms of showing him I was interested. Heck, he knew I was interested, he just wasn't interested enough himself. I have had people tell me that I am harsh for deleting him completely after 4 weeks but like I said if you have once chance, you take it!
Nexus One Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 in response to the OP, he is nice, and shy. But like I said he has no clue what he wants Well he did offer to drop by your flat. What makes you think he wanted to screw you straight away? That's an assumption you made on your side. Besides, have you asked him what he wants? Perhaps he thought you two were just friends that flirted a bit in a teasing way, but not much else. Always assume that guys are completely clueless and oblivious. If it's not spoon fed to them, then whatever you implied to get across to them is quite likely completely non-existent in their perception of reality. I'm not saying that THAT is what's going on here, but it's possible.
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 Nexus - i appreciate your post - was very helpful. I get that you have to make things very clear to men which is why I made it as clear as I could that I wanted to see him or meet up with him... If I am to believe what he is saying then he really didn't realise he had had that many chances with me. But like I said, he said it himself 'that many chances.' He knew he had had 1 or 2 at least, and I called him on it! Tigress- Thankyou, and this is what most of my female friends have said. That when a guy likes a girl, he asks her out. Its a simple as that. There is no thinking, or waiting, or messing around. I asked all the successful couples I know and their stories go something like this >>>Boy meets girl Boy and girl like each other Boy asks girl out within a short period of time Girl says yes Boy and Girl are together, yay! Don't you guys even try and lie that this isn't the case a MOST of the time! And I mean successful couples! There never seems to be a 'gap' either - IMHO gaps or breaks in contact mean you are being reshuffled and rejigged around their priorities to a lower position - you are in rotation effectively!!! And yes I desperately want a LTR! So frustrated!
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 It was the other way around - he wanted ME to drop by HIS flat - red flag IMO... Nexus I truly want to believe that he just didn't understand that I wanted to go out with him, but my instinct tells me he understood perfectly well. I did give him 1 last chance after that. My gut instinct tells me that he was telling the truth and that he isn't seeing anyone, but I think he is texting multiple 'potentials' and I have no time to be assessed like a bag of mushrooms in a supermarket.
Jazzari Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I think a lot of people will probably agree with you. In my defence I kind of said it in a jokey way and added a kiss at the end, so it wasn't meant to be taken as me being a bitch. This is the problem with sms, you can never get the right context I guess. I guess when I sent the text I wanted to cut through the crap basically. I realise I may have completely alienated him now, but if he really wanted to ask me out, he would have. That makes a huge difference. Sorry for the misunderstanding. After reading some of the other stuff he's done, I'm with you in being confused. He sounds like a nice shy guy, but the invitation to drop by his flat is really odd. It doesn't go with the shy persona and it's borderline offensive. I dunno. Something seems off about this guy.
Nexus One Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Perhaps he doesn't want to do the whole dating thing and go straight to a boyfriend & girlfriend status. Just throwing in a suggestion here.
SmileFace Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Ask him to take you off of his mailing list. It does seems as he is just making his rounds. Yet this it is very weird since it isn't someone you met online.
Jannah Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 It was the other way around - he wanted ME to drop by HIS flat - red flag IMO... Nexus I truly want to believe that he just didn't understand that I wanted to go out with him, but my instinct tells me he understood perfectly well. I did give him 1 last chance after that. My gut instinct tells me that he was telling the truth and that he isn't seeing anyone, but I think he is texting multiple 'potentials' and I have no time to be assessed like a bag of mushrooms in a supermarket. I think you meant to say a bag of oranges. Mushrooms come in styrofoam containers with plastic wrapped around it.
Jazzari Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Well he did offer to drop by your flat. What makes you think he wanted to screw you straight away? That's an assumption you made on your side. Besides, have you asked him what he wants? Perhaps he thought you two were just friends that flirted a bit in a teasing way, but not much else. Always assume that guys are completely clueless and oblivious. If it's not spoon fed to them, then whatever you implied to get across to them is quite likely completely non-existent in their perception of reality. I'm not saying that THAT is what's going on here, but it's possible.I thought the invitation was for her to go see him at his flat and made at an unreasonable time. It does make a difference. Seems a little forward for someone who is a nice, shy guy regardless of his intentions.
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 Yeah. I mean I did think this. It is really weird, I mean I have had boyfriends that don't even text me as much as that. I have never had someone text me so much and it not lead up to them asking me out to be honest. And stuff like 'wish u were here for hugs' 'how has ur day gone' and giving me little cute nicknames and stuff. I mean, it is nice but I have only met him twice for like 2 minutes each time so pretty creepy considering we haven't even had a proper chat in person. I thought maybe he is chronically shy or whatever which is why I made sure he knew I was free and available. And up until last night I was almost positive he had a wife of girlfriend and was just using me as his emotional whore. Thanks you guys for helping me on this xx
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 Jazzari - I was like 9.30pm at night, I get off work at 8.30. I thought it was unnaceptable cos we haven't even met up in person properly yet - I mean how weird would that be?!
Author Hurtbunny Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 I thought it was very forward considering he couldn't even spend 5 minutes to come see me at work or whatever. But it wasn't a clear invititation, more of a 'if you're in the area drop by my flat.' maybe he was testing me to see if I am that sort of girl and was relieved when I turned HIM down, you never know!!
Jannah Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I think you did the right thing OP. Constantly texting you for weeks straight + asking you to come by his house in the evening as a first date, not good...
Jazzari Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 He works in the same place right? Is there any reason he can't ask you to lunch? That would seem like a good place for him to start. No pressure and friendly.
Jannah Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 lol not in my supermarket Really? I've never seen mushrooms in a bag, do you live in Amsterdam or something?
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