Byren Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Hey guys, Quick back story - We'd dated for just over two years and lived with each other for the entirety of that time. Were great friends for another two years previously and broke off our relationship about two months ago for a variety of reasons, the main reason being that I had a hard time talking about the future. Basically, I think I was one of these man-children that people keep talking about on here. The reason I had a hard time talking about the future was that I didn't know what my future held and with that in mind I didn't want to commit to anything, the major influence on me not thinking about the future was getting a very specific job I wanted. We'd been broken up for a month when I got an interview for a job I'd applied for back in November, which I subsequently managed to land and have been working for the past week. The job is awesome and everything that I wanted from a career but all can think about right now is her, which is sending me into a pit of depression. For this job I had to move several hours away from where she is now and so asking if we can get together again because 'I can talk about that stuff now!' is probably out of the question. She's currently back at college in preparation for going back to university later this year, but she hasn't chosen which one yet - one of the unis she's applied for is just down the road and so I can't help but thinking that we COULD get together again at some point. We both love(ed) each other so much, and I personally can't see myself with anyone else. We broke up on great terms with neither of us really wanting to end it but a few issues had become so much that our relationship was suffering quite badly towards the end... it made everything so much harder knowing that we both wanted to be together but there was an invisible barrier in the way, one I feel so stupid for. I've attempted to get back with her again a couple of times, the last time I sent her a letter and mix-cd. The letter wasn't needy and didn't beg her to come back, amongst other things it simply told her that I still want her very much and if she wants to come back then she can, but there will be no pressure for her to do anything if she doesn't want to. She thought the letter was very romantic and thanked me very much, but I got the job soon after so we didn't really talk about it too much besides her telling me that she'll miss me so much when I move. I don't know what to do. I don't WANT to move on. I want her.
D78 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 How old are you both? It's okay to not be ready to talk about the future. Different people are ready at different times. Are you really ready now? Is this the job you wanted that was preventing you from talking about the future? Could you really talk about a future with her because that's what you want, or would it be just to get her back? Does she do anything to indicate whether she wants to get back together? (Sorry for all the questions.)
Author Byren Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Thanks for replying D78. In answer to your questions: - I'm 24 in a few weeks, and she'll be 23 a couple of weeks later. She's always been really mature for her age, like REALLY mature - she's all about dinner parties and stuff. It doesn't really float my boat, but it kept her happy to host them and I liked the social aspect. Being with her is what I want. The job I wanted was 3d character artist for a games company, and I've managed to get a junior character artist role, something that doesn't really exist - usually companies are after senior people so this was a one in a million opportunity. in terms of talking about a future with her... it's all I've thought about for the past two weeks or so; I've been thinking about the children we'd have together, the things we'd do on weekends, everything. It's not JUST to get her back. Obviously I'd like her back, but I want her to be more than that, I want her to be the person I spend my life with. I don't know what she really wants from me, although I did invite her to my leaving party last Friday (it felt right, and I'm glad I invited her.. and although I was very drunk, a reliable friend told me she had said that she had a good time), at the beginning of the night she was telling me about her interview at the university nearby where I'm working. She then mentioned that we could still see each other if she moved there (I assume she meant either as friends or as a plausible deniability act?), to which I casually said 'sure, we could still hang out if you were to go there' - at which point a big, warm smile appeared on her face. Good sign, right? One more thing that she's been doing since we've broken up is smoking loads more, she used to only smoke when drinking but she's mentioned to me that she's really picked up the numbers since we split. (and so have I if I'm honest, but that's another story)
D78 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 ...The job I wanted was 3d character artist for a games company, and I've managed to get a junior character artist role, something that doesn't really exist - usually companies are after senior people so this was a one in a million opportunity... Oh - that makes sense now. At first the job thing made no sense to me. Congrats on creating an entry level job in a field that's nearly impossible to break into! ...at the beginning of the night she was telling me about her interview at the university nearby where I'm working. She then mentioned that we could still see each other if she moved there... a big, warm smile appeared on her face. Good sign, right?... You have lots of good signs: (1) you broke up on good terms, and it seems like a timing break up; (2) she is thinking of attending a university near where you now live (I avoid my ex); (3) she came to your party; (4) she's open to a future with you in her life in some capacity... I've never had a timing break up - my break ups have all been for good cause Maybe someone who has had one of these break ups can give better advice. It seems like you have a chance if she ends up attending the university down the road from you. If she moves to your town, I think you should be open (if you haven't already) in explaining why you were not able to discuss the future before, and what you are thinking now. Good luck
giveittofate Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I feel ya man I also am going through a VERY similar breakup...and ha, a huge portion of it was being a man-child. I'm 24 and she's 21 and she like your ex, was more mature than me...to me it sounds good that you guys ended on good terms, and still have civil communication...I'd suggest giving it time, concentrate on your new job, and if it's meant to be then she will be back in your life. good for you for not begging or being a needy doormat...trust me that only pushes them farther away, i learned that the hard way...i went NC for a month and she finally contacted me and made me aware she wasn't doing too good...it seems unlikely we'll get back together, but if it's truly meant, we'll find a way...just keep up doing good at work and holding your head high. isn't it funny how all along while we were in relationships we had no idea about the future and when it all comes crashing down things can become so clear and our love for them really shows?...either way regardless of what happens for us and our ex's...we took a positive step in maturing out of our peter pan stage.....good luck man
Author Byren Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Thanks for the responses guys, they're much appreciated Congrats on creating an entry level job in a field that's nearly impossible to break into! Cheers, it does feel really good to have finally made it, but I'd always wanted her by my side when I did. She was always really supportive of what I wanted to do, even though she never really 'got' it. It seems like you have a chance if she ends up attending the university down the road from you. If she moves to your town, I think you should be open (if you haven't already) in explaining why you were not able to discuss the future before, and what you are thinking now. I explained to her during the breakup that was financial instability that was preventing me from discussing the future, and obviously I wanted a job that I could enjoy too (life isn't all about relationships after all!). If you can't visualize being with anyone but her, then ask her to marry you. I really can't imagine anyone else, but we've been apart for a while now, I'm afraid that she doesn't love me nearly as much as she did. People often say that the dumper mentally splits up with the other party long before the actual breakup, and this is no different here - she even told me that she'd been mentally distancing herself so that it wouldn't be so hard. either way regardless of what happens for us and our ex's...we took a positive step in maturing out of our peter pan stage That's very true! I'm sorry that things aren't working out between you and your ex but I hope you recover quickly. Another thing... my ex will be travelling up here on the 23rd for her interview at the university. At the party she asked if she could pop in and say hi, have a cup of coffee etc. I told her that'd be nice, though I'm wondering if I should mention anything about this to her then? or should I perhaps just hold off and not mention the subject?
D78 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 ...Another thing... my ex will be travelling up here on the 23rd for her interview at the university. At the party she asked if she could pop in and say hi, have a cup of coffee etc. I told her that'd be nice, though I'm wondering if I should mention anything about this to her then? or should I perhaps just hold off and not mention the subject? I think you should hold off for a bit. If she doesn't attend that university, are you going to pursue a long distance relationship with her? If you tell her all this, and then she doesn't move to your town, there's no point. Also, actions speak louder than words. There's no point in talking about the subject if you could figure out how to show her with your actions. If you could show her, it would take away any fear that your words are meaningless claims meant only to get her back. Practical and kinda unromantic, but that's my advice
Author Byren Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Yeah, you're probably right, and I know that she'd need to be closer in order for things to really work between us again... and if she were to move up here then it wouldn't be until August or September. I guess I'm worried that she'll be completely over me by then
sammyd Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I think you'd be mad not to tell her!! You've worked out what you want, and i think you let her know that you're commited to a future together. What have you got to lose?? (Except her if you don't tell her!). You also need to tell her, you'll work on the communication thing, it all takes time, but come on!! This sounds like it could have a real happy ending:) Don't end up regretting not letting her know. You never know;)
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