POHODON Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I have a situation where I do not know what to do with myself. My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years, two kids together, GIRLS 2/5, and a Step-Son who is 12. I have raised him since he was a baby and plan on being his father regardless of how things work out for my wife and I. We separated a couple years ago, we were both still in love but argued quite often and a break was needed, this was more my decision then hers at the time. We were separated for a few months but reconciled and I fell more in love with her then I had ever been in my life. I found out what I stood to lose. I look at my wife in different ways now, she is definitely the love of my life. Problem is, I never made sure she knew this and I was blind to that fact. I was recently off work for 1 1/2 years due to a back injury. We have experienced financial hardships like never before but we survived. I am now back to work. Meanwhile, a month ago, a few days before x-mas, I found out she was talking to a co-worker online and texting, quite provocatively. I at this point feel like due to the failure on my part to be her husband and convey my feelings to her, she looked at this as an out. She has admitted she knows it was wrong and does not talk to him except for business reasons. I do believe her at this point. I made sure she knew this and how much I love her. My wife brought up our first separation and how I broke her heart. That she no longer is in love with me, but she does love and care for me. We are still living together, sleeping in separate beds. We are actually talking more openly and it seems nice, I wish this was our situation a couple months ago. She has made it clear that right now, she is 99% sure we cannot make it as a couple, just as friends. I differ greatly, This was a major gut check and a smack of reality. I look at my wife and just know how much I lover her and our family. I would never separate again, unless it was her wish. I am willing to do anything to prove to her that I will do all it takes for us to be happy. I am trying to keep my cool, and not break down all the time. There is no question, I see pictures of us together, or with the children and I get emotional very quickly. I am doing all I can to make sure that lines of communication stay open and that she knows how I feel, and that I want to work on our marriage and be the husband I always wanted to be, if that means counseling or medication, I am ok with any type of resolution we can agree on at this point. I simply cannot see myself without her, or being a part-time father. I have begun a journal which helps me get my feelings out, I do not want to drown her with everything on my mind right now. There is alot of unresolved issues between us, I am well pass the initial break up, but this was hard to hear her say she was not. She stated " WE PUT A BAND AID ON OUR MARRIAGE". I never did that, I fell back in love with my wife more then when we were on our wedding day. Is this a dead situation? I hear professionals discuss that people who say the things she is saying are just hurt, or they would tell you to get out. She has said she is in no hurry for me to move out. Am I dealing correctly? i am trying to show her I am willing to do anything, regardless of what she asks, because I feel I owe her that right now. I would love to have her come to me and tell me she is in love with me and wants to work on this marriage and family. Pipe Dream? or can this be reality?
hopesndreams Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 She has an OM, but the plans of blissfully being with him are not set in place yet. Can you deal with that being a possibility? Or would you rather beat yourself up for being a sh*tty H? She has made it clear that right now, she is 99% sure we cannot make it as a couple, just as friends. Pack her bags, NOW.
robf1971 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I have a situation where I do not know what to do with myself. My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years, two kids together, GIRLS 2/5, and a Step-Son who is 12. I have raised him since he was a baby and plan on being his father regardless of how things work out for my wife and I. We separated a couple years ago, we were both still in love but argued quite often and a break was needed, this was more my decision then hers at the time. We were separated for a few months but reconciled and I fell more in love with her then I had ever been in my life. I found out what I stood to lose. I look at my wife in different ways now, she is definitely the love of my life. Problem is, I never made sure she knew this and I was blind to that fact. I was recently off work for 1 1/2 years due to a back injury. We have experienced financial hardships like never before but we survived. I am now back to work. Meanwhile, a month ago, a few days before x-mas, I found out she was talking to a co-worker online and texting, quite provocatively. I at this point feel like due to the failure on my part to be her husband and convey my feelings to her, she looked at this as an out. She has admitted she knows it was wrong and does not talk to him except for business reasons. I do believe her at this point. I made sure she knew this and how much I love her. My wife brought up our first separation and how I broke her heart. That she no longer is in love with me, but she does love and care for me. We are still living together, sleeping in separate beds. We are actually talking more openly and it seems nice, I wish this was our situation a couple months ago. She has made it clear that right now, she is 99% sure we cannot make it as a couple, just as friends. I differ greatly, This was a major gut check and a smack of reality. I look at my wife and just know how much I lover her and our family. I would never separate again, unless it was her wish. I am willing to do anything to prove to her that I will do all it takes for us to be happy. I am trying to keep my cool, and not break down all the time. There is no question, I see pictures of us together, or with the children and I get emotional very quickly. I am doing all I can to make sure that lines of communication stay open and that she knows how I feel, and that I want to work on our marriage and be the husband I always wanted to be, if that means counseling or medication, I am ok with any type of resolution we can agree on at this point. I simply cannot see myself without her, or being a part-time father. I have begun a journal which helps me get my feelings out, I do not want to drown her with everything on my mind right now. There is alot of unresolved issues between us, I am well pass the initial break up, but this was hard to hear her say she was not. She stated " WE PUT A BAND AID ON OUR MARRIAGE". I never did that, I fell back in love with my wife more then when we were on our wedding day. Is this a dead situation? I hear professionals discuss that people who say the things she is saying are just hurt, or they would tell you to get out. She has said she is in no hurry for me to move out. Am I dealing correctly? i am trying to show her I am willing to do anything, regardless of what she asks, because I feel I owe her that right now. I would love to have her come to me and tell me she is in love with me and wants to work on this marriage and family. Pipe Dream? or can this be reality? You have a chance to turn this around but you need to change your behaviour RAPIDLY. Yes the marriage breakdown was both your faults, she's lost repsect for you probably tied into the financial situation and your job. However the fact that she is having an affair is 100% her fault. Before you HAVE ANY CHANCE of turning this around the affair needs to be stopped. Get the proof you need, Your conversation to her "I know all about your affair with XYZ" AT which point she will start denying eg saying "we are just friends". At this point raise your hand to stop her "We both know you are lying so please don't insult my intelligence" "Wife I will not live in an open marriage, either commit to cutting off contact with OM, with full transparency and us attending marriage counselling or I will pack you things up for you to move out, What will it be? Anything less than a yes. Get some boxes, start packing her stuff, put the boxes in the garage or downstairs. You do not leave the family home, I don't understand why so many men do this. She wants out, she is having the affair? she can leave.
Steadfast Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 (edited) The advice given above is solid, and I agree with it. That said, ultimatums rarely work. Here's why: Happy, healthy marriages are based on love given freely. That's the magic of romance actually; two people focusing on each other, each loving and caring only for that special someone. The reality of 'he/she loves me for me' is the foundation for any love affair. In these cases, monogamy is almost an afterthought. It certainly can't be insisted upon. The right to freewill is basic. People cannot be forced into sexual attraction. So yes, use the above advice to take your stand of intolerance. Do it today. But, until you hear the words "I'm sorry. I love you and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage and keep our family together" than your marriage is over. Marriage is not a dictatorship. Unless the union is happy and filled with willing participants, it will not survive. Focus on doing what is best for you and your children. Keep us posted. Lots of willing souls here to help you- Edited February 5, 2011 by Steadfast
worldgonewrong Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I agree with most of the advice above, except I always find it questionable and paranoid when people are quick to say, "Oh my god, she's got another man!" Sometimes it's somebody just "needing space" -- no other person in the picture needed.
Goldenspoon Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Your wife is having an affair with her co-worker. She is sleeping with him and falling in love with him. You need to break up the affair. Affair survies on secretcy. Once it's been exposed, it's no longer fun and exciting, but dirty. YOU NEED TO EXPOSE IT AND DO IT WITHOUT ANY WARNING TO YOUR WIFE. Expose it to her boss. Expose it to his boss. Expose it to your wife's family. Expose it to this other man's family and friends. Tell them that they are having an affair and you want to save your marriage and ask these people to help convince them to end the affair.
Albertan Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I disagree with Golden, exposing the affair will do nothing good especially if the only proof you have is a few text messages. Sometimes you have to take the moral high ground. The problem is, depending on what exactly her relationship is with OM is that she has "affair fog" to borrow a phrase that I have seen on this board. I would say trust your instinct and if you think there is more going on then there probably is. Dealing with a spouse who is involved with someone else is difficult unless they are willing to cut all contact. If your wife is unwilling to do this then you are going to be screwed while she has the fantasy of everything being better and perfect with OM (it won't be by the way). Right now she is holding all the cards, and you're letting her. You cannot force her to want to be with you and if she is being negative and is not willing to work on the marriage then you only have one option left. You or her need to move out and you need to start repairing yourself emotionally.
worldgonewrong Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I apologize for not having read more closely apparently. (honestly I read the original post twice) Yes, an affair here is apparent, sad to say. My general reply though does apply to people who are quick to jump on affairs as the cause when it might not BE the cause, as I've witnessed in other threads. Again, sorry.
Author POHODON Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 I appreciate the advice very much, the exact reason I posted this was to try and understand where I stand and what my chances of reconnecting with my wife. As far as the "AFFAIR", this was not an affair, he is married, lives in another state, and they have only seen each other once, at a work event in a suite at a Sporting event surrounded by people. There was no sex, or anything along those lines, mainly flirting by text and e-mails. I am trying to not be blind here, and understand that from looking at this other ways will open my eyes. As hard as it may be, I may have to accept it is simply over. Move on with my life, it is just that the part-time father thing is so horrible! I see my kids every day, and to only see them a couple days a week if that will be the worse part. Thank you all for your advice, some good, some not so good : ), but helpful none the less!
Eye of Hourus Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 POHODON, Your wife may have not had a Physical Affair (PA) with co-worker, more likely a Emotional Affair (EA), either way I think you need to delve into her activities. More than likely she has continued her relationship with co-worker or has started something a little more local. Check her phone, get a key logger onto her computer etc. The Eye “There is, indeed, nothing that so much seduces reason from vigilance, as the thought of passing life with an amiable woman.” - Samuel Johnson
robf1971 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 As far as the "AFFAIR", this was not an affair, he is married, lives in another state, and they have only seen each other once, at a work event in a suite at a Sporting event surrounded by people. There was no sex, or anything along those lines, mainly flirting by text and e-mails. ! Sorry your wife has been pouring her heart out and telling this guy she loves him. It's an affair and it needs to be busted. If you have ANY chance of saving your marriage.
robf1971 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 and what my chances of reconnecting with my wife. Ohh good the OM is married. Get your proof, keylog her computer, dig out cell records, confront your wife. You want this affair to end fast, tell this OM's wife and watch him run for the hills. You need to man up, your wife will start to respect you also. At the moment you are heartbroken and are acting like a lovesick puppy, this is understandable and I was there 5 months ago. You need to start putting on the act of your life, acting happy and upbeat. Do not try and engage your wife in relationship talks. Do not pursue her, by that I mean " I love you's", do not text, email or write to her. When she calls you let it go to voicemail. This happy upbeat thing was a massive struggle for me, but then I started to get my own life apart from my wife, then the hapiness wasn't an act anymore. Guess what, just about that time she started warming back to me. Now we are both working hard on our marriage, so take heed of what actually works. It's counter intuitive. Every bone in your body is telling you to beg, plead and reason with her, it simply won't work.
flowergirl77 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Your wife is having an affair with her co-worker. She is sleeping with him and falling in love with him. You need to break up the affair. Affair survies on secretcy. Once it's been exposed, it's no longer fun and exciting, but dirty. YOU NEED TO EXPOSE IT AND DO IT WITHOUT ANY WARNING TO YOUR WIFE. Expose it to her boss. Expose it to his boss. Expose it to your wife's family. Expose it to this other man's family and friends. Tell them that they are having an affair and you want to save your marriage and ask these people to help convince them to end the affair. My jaw dropped for a second when I started reading your post..as I thought it was my H posting it! We are going through a VERY similar situation b/c of my emotional A. we have 3 kids close in ages as well as my son who is 13 and is the stepson of my H.. That out of the way I can only ad my 2 cents from the womans side: I agree she is likely caught in the "fog" of AN affair. This does not mean she is having sex with this other guy, it could be a strictly emotional connection...I did not cheat sexually, but I was caught in the emotions of it in a very intense way...it has destroyed what was left of out 10 year marriage. We are holding on by a thread..and my feelings have not returned for my H. My H has done everything but hang the moon to get me back...but I am feeling just as your W..99% out the door. I am still here because of our children mainly. Unless she feels love and wants to make it work, I can tell you it doesn't work. I am seeing that if I don't get on the bus, real quick-my MG is over. My H has done all he can to fix this, but it is no longer about him, it is about me and weather I can re-commit to our MG. Does she want things to work..is she motivated to go to MC and work together to rebuild things? If she is still IN her affair (and I suspect this is what may be driving this change in her you re seeing), or even seeing and talking to this OM, she will never be able to commit fully to you if her feelings are divided-I know from experience.
Albertan Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Nice to get perspective from the 'other side' flower. As far as the difference between an EA and PA, I actually think Emotional Affairs are actually worse and cause longer lasting damage. There's something about the act of sharing intimate details and all the lies and betrayal that goes along with that than is so much worse than simple sex in a lot of ways. Don't get me wrong, the physical side is bad and hard to deal with but I found (and have read others thoughts) that her emotional "connection" with the OM hurt even more. My first thought when I read the OP was that it is a template for just about every marriage breakdown where the wife is leaving. H doesn't show enough emotion, distant, lack of sex, cold etc.. etc..= W seeks "connection" outside of marriage. So many stories on here and other forums are like this. I don't know what the answer it and clearly there is a divide in how men and women view what they perceive is a healthy marriage. I think a lot of men once their married feel like "job done" and in many ways, stop trying, stop chasing and making the woman feeling loved. It's sad that I think that too many times men and women alike are too ready to give up and look outside their marriage to "fix" things. Also want to agree - if she is in contact with OM in anyway then unless something drastic happens then she will not be able to be honest with herself about her feelings and commit to the marriage in anyway.
Author POHODON Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 thanks for the input from the other side, it was very good to hear from a woman who is going through the same situation. We are getting along great right now, talking alot, and thats about it right now. I am not down right now on the outside, I broke down once in front of her a couple weeks ago, and I have also told myself that I need to just put it out there, move out, cut off most communication and see how she reacts. I am not the sad sap around the house, I am playing with the kids and doing my regular duties around the home. I am actually doing the brakes on her car tomorrow. I guess I did not make that clear, but although I have made it clear I want to stay together, I have not been pushing her, telling her anything, except talking about the kids and work. I am not begging, or crying all the time, and if I do feel like I am close to doing that, I head out, to the garage, or for a drive. I do know this, writing this stuff down and talking to people has been a great help and is very good for my soul searching. I may one day be a single dad, but I wont let it kill me. I will continue as best as I can, I definitely wont allow myself to be that guy who is putting in 100% while she sits back and does nothing. That is unfair, and I will not let my kids see me down! ever!
Author POHODON Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Plus, I found all the e-mails, and confronted her already. and FLOWERGIRL77, I dont know ya, but if the situation is that similar, I hope it works out for ya and you get what you need to be happy in your life and your family. I have realized how I messed up, and am working on me, very hard.
Goldenspoon Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Plus, I found all the e-mails, and confronted her already. and FLOWERGIRL77, I dont know ya, but if the situation is that similar, I hope it works out for ya and you get what you need to be happy in your life and your family. I have realized how I messed up, and am working on me, very hard. Tell your wife she is immature and selfish, hopefully she'll wake up someday. She choose her own freedom to flirt and sleep with other men over an intact family by breaking up her own children's home.
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