c57dood Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I don't understand this. In my real life experiences, the whole "friend zone" thing that guys talk about being so frustrated with, I don't understand. Why do people always want to rush things? This isn't just a problem for guys either. I've met many girls who seem to think I'm gay because I don't want to have sex with them right away. I don't find it an intelligent thing to do to have sex with someone who you don't know very well. Heck, I'm comfortable being friends with women, sometimes I just want another friend. That does not mean that I'm gay, I just feel like all the mystery of love is being thrown out the window. There just seems to be no mystery or intrigue anymore. No one takes the time to go out and do fun things with the opposite sex. It's really just a matter of 2 things: 1. Do you LIKE this person, meaning, do you have good communication and trust like friends do, and can you do activities together outside of sex which you both enjoy and experience together. 2. If you both are PHYSICALLY attracted to each other as well, then you can have intimate relations AND a best friend. Why is it that society looks down upon friends turning into something more? I don't get it. Sex comes with a lot of responsibility and consequences, and I feel like rushing this experience ruins everything and denies the existence of a higher type of love between two people. What do you think?
fishtaco Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I'm friends with a bunch of women. So much that when it's time to the spill the beans when dating gets serious, I have to bring this up and talk about it. Women prone to jealousy won't do well with me at all. It's one of the things I have to constantly work on even when I find a woman with average tendency for jealousy... I have to keep reassuring her, be extra open, and prove to her time after time, that they are still all platonic and there's nothing to worry about. But that's the price I pay for having a lot of friends that are female. I do have a lot of friends that are male too, I say probably 60-40, more women than men. But to my past girlfriends, they act like it's 90-10. That's just how it is. I used to get mad about it, I thought there are women out there that would understand, I just have to find them. Until I realized I was asking for the impossible, and in the process of the search I let go of good women. Now I know it's just something I have to deal with. Oh and I have a lot of friends because my family is dysfunctional. Basically, I have no family. So I have a lot of friends instead. So I do have a valid reason for being very social. I'm not sure why I ended up with more female friends. Maybe because I have a nice ass.
laRubiaBonita Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I'm not sure why I ended up with more female friends. Maybe because I have a nice ass. you are right- it is your ass! i have plenty of male friends- and yes, some may have had other motives for befriending me- but i can say i have only experienced having to tell a guy friend- we were JUST friends 4 or so times. the other guys i think we truely are just frinds and they seem to think that too.
EasyHeart Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 There are lots of men and women who are truly friends. There are lots of men and women who use the word "friend" to play games. There's big difference between being "Just Friends" and being "Friends First". Maybe you're thinking of the latter, but using the terminology of the former?
Jazzari Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 All my single male friends would prefer it to be something more. So maybe that is why girls don't trust when a man has girl "friends". They are going with their own experience. I wasn't aware that society looked down on friends turning into something more. I don't see a problem with it.
Ross PK Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 There's nothing wrong with casual sex, as long as you use protection. But, it's obviously not for everybody.
deebeechrisyo Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I'm friends with a lot of girls as well. I think there exists a social stigma where guys who are friends with women are considered cowards who are too afraid to ask said women out. If I meet a woman I find attractive I'll generally ask her out first and then if they end up having a boyfriend or don't seem very interested, I'll remain strictly friends with them. I think this helps negate the uneasy feelings women have about their guy "friends" wanting to get into their pants. Guys who can't be just friends with women have some rejection issues, or they are stuck in the shallow end of the dating pool.
snuggles302 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Depends on chemistry, attractiveness and personality in the two people involved or group. If you click and get on well there is no reason why a guy and girl can be friends but its when the friendship turns into a mutual or one sided feeling of love unrequited that is where the problem arises which could make or break the friendship/relationship.
SteveC80 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I rarely have much in common with women so if i approach its with the physical aspect in mind im friendly wit my friends wives theyre like my sisters thats about it,single women no
fishtaco Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 All my single male friends would prefer it to be something more. So maybe that is why girls don't trust when a man has girl "friends". They are going with their own experience. Possibly. I don't know the reason, I just know generally a woman that is romantically interested in me doesn't like the fact that I have a lot of female friends. Some of my female friends are interested in me, some are not. But the good thing about being a guy is traditionally, we call the shots. So all I have to do is play dumb like I didn't know, and they won't make the move to come after me. I wasn't aware that society looked down on friends turning into something more. I don't see a problem with it. I don't think it's "looking down", it's just that it creates complications. My personal preference is to meet someone I'm interested in, and hit on her right from the start. So she knows exactly what I want. I don't believe in using friendship to get close first. But sometimes, things do change after a friendship has been developed. I don't think it's a bad thing, but you have to be more cautious about your approach, and there's more to lose when things don't work out.
zengirl Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I have male friends. It's really not ever been an issue. But it doesn't sound like you're talking about a friendship, OP. Your description sounds more "Friends first," which to me is just how I do dating, but I call it dating. I just don't sleep with the guy right away. I don't dig people who call it "Friends first" for too long because it seems kind of cowardly. A date or two wouldn't bother me, but after that, if a guy isn't calling it dating, I'd assume he would drag out the whole thing beyond my comfort and have issues with other labels such as "relationship" and (eventually) "marriage." Possibly. I don't know the reason, I just know generally a woman that is romantically interested in me doesn't like the fact that I have a lot of female friends. Really? I always like a guy with female friends, so long as they're not all exes, but seem to be real friends. Is it major or minor? I mean, every once and awhile you get the initial jealousy moments with a new SO. I remember my BF was a bit worried when he saw me having a beer with a guy friend when we were first dating. He thought I might be on a date or something (he told me later), so it could've been awkward. My solution was to wave him over and introduce the two. After that, there was no issue. Transparency is key, I think.
sumdude Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Having been through a divorce I didn't want I know now that if I ever consider marriage or a lifetime commitment I want her to be my best friend. I love sex, it's great, it's amazing when it's good. But it's a terrible foundation for a long term relationship. It should be the icing on the cake.
fishtaco Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Is it major or minor? I mean, every once and awhile you get the initial jealousy moments with a new SO. It was just general, not necessarily girlfriend. It could be just someone I started dating casually, and see me hanging out with all these women on facebook or whatever, and would make comments. They don't necessarily stir up trouble, sometimes I've just started seeing them so everyone is on their best behavior. But I can tell they don't like it by the comments they make. But I can say I've never had the "wow, I'm so glad you have so many female friends" reaction.
zengirl Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 But I can say I've never had the "wow, I'm so glad you have so many female friends" reaction. I mean, I only care about real friends, not FB friends, but yes, if a man doesn't have a few good female friends (or sisters; they work, too), he tends not to be as empathetic or good at communicating with women because he hasn't had the practice outside of relationships. However, perhaps it's because you have primarily female friends; I've never dated a guy who had mostly female friends (not saying I wouldn't) either. My BF has several good female friends, but several good male friends, too.
40 Fonzarelli Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I have male friends. It's really not ever been an issue. But it doesn't sound like you're talking about a friendship, OP. Your description sounds more "Friends first," which to me is just how I do dating, but I call it dating. I just don't sleep with the guy right away. I don't dig people who call it "Friends first" for too long because it seems kind of cowardly. A date or two wouldn't bother me, but after that, if a guy isn't calling it dating, I'd assume he would drag out the whole thing beyond my comfort and have issues with other labels such as "relationship" and (eventually) "marriage." Really? I always like a guy with female friends, so long as they're not all exes, but seem to be real friends. Is it major or minor? I mean, every once and awhile you get the initial jealousy moments with a new SO. I remember my BF was a bit worried when he saw me having a beer with a guy friend when we were first dating. He thought I might be on a date or something (he told me later), so it could've been awkward. My solution was to wave him over and introduce the two. After that, there was no issue. Transparency is key, I think. Do you think its ok to spend time with your guy friend without your SO? Im talking about things like dinner, watching the game, going bowling, watching movies, etc
zengirl Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Do you think its ok to spend time with your guy friend without your SO? Im talking about things like dinner, watching the game, going bowling, watching movies, etc Yes, and so does my SO. To be fair, most of the time I spend time with a friend, it's in a group (even the getting a beer example, more people were coming later; we just happened to be off work first and go together---the guy friend and I---ahead of them), just because I have large groups of friends and I see most of my friends in groups, rather than one on one. But I've gone to the movies with a male friend, the same as a female friend. My BF wouldn't have an issue with it. And, frankly, he's always welcome to almost anything social I do, including stuff like that. But he doesn't hang out with me 24/7. And this SO isn't an exception. I've never had a BF who was as paranoid about male friends as described on LS. As I said, in the beginning, there can be misunderstandings (like the beer thing), but with openness and transparency, they've never become issues. Of course, if I'm dating a man, I give him every reason to be secure. Perhaps the issue is some women use male friends, or other things, to make men insecure (and men with women friends perhaps do this too), just as men and women sometimes use silly contact rules to make people insecure.
Soxfaninfl Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I only have one female friend. When I met her I wanted more, but she didn't want to throw away our friendship if it didn't work out. I was disappointed. I still care about her. I eventually met my wife. I won't be friends with another women because I will eventually developed feelings for her and want more. I won't be friends with ex's either because of our past and the risk of old feelings coming back and wanting to get back together if I start to feel something again for that person.
40 Fonzarelli Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Yes, and so does my SO. To be fair, most of the time I spend time with a friend, it's in a group (even the getting a beer example, more people were coming later; we just happened to be off work first and go together---the guy friend and I---ahead of them), just because I have large groups of friends and I see most of my friends in groups, rather than one on one. But I've gone to the movies with a male friend, the same as a female friend. My BF wouldn't have an issue with it. And, frankly, he's always welcome to almost anything social I do, including stuff like that. But he doesn't hang out with me 24/7. And this SO isn't an exception. I've never had a BF who was as paranoid about male friends as described on LS. As I said, in the beginning, there can be misunderstandings (like the beer thing), but with openness and transparency, they've never become issues. Of course, if I'm dating a man, I give him every reason to be secure. Perhaps the issue is some women use male friends, or other things, to make men insecure (and men with women friends perhaps do this too), just as men and women sometimes use silly contact rules to make people insecure. But that is how cheating starts. Spending alone time with someone of the opposite gender is a breeding ground for feelings to develop. Im not saying you cant have friends of the opposite sex, but excessive time together, dinners, or anything that sounds like a date isnt good imo. Its inconsiderate to your SO as well.
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