surreal123 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I’ve been divorced for almost 2 years now. In this 2 years I met 16 woman. I had a relationship with two of them. All in all I was in a relationship about 5 months of the two years. Both these woman dumped me. My ex-wife left me as well. (for another man) I didn’t want to be divorced and maybe I was delusional but enjoyed being married to my ex-wife. Nowadays I do crazy things to meet new woman. In general a lot of rejection won’t get to me, but lately it really gets me down. I’m 36 now and getting older and it makes me desperate as I really don’t want to grow old alone. After two years I have the theory that people don’t like dating divorced people and if they date them they are very cautious. Is it true that people don’t like dating divorced people? Maybe it’s all in my head. Before I was married it was easier to get a girlfriend but now I’m having a hard time finding and staying with someone special. I honestly think I didn’t mess things up in my 2 previous relationships but the thing that kept popping up for me was an unwillingness to get too serious. Maybe this happens when you get older? Maybe they were just not into me that much. I think both women that I had a relationship with dumped me because they didn’t want to be with some one that was divorced. So my question would be. Do you refrain from dating divorced people and if you date them is it a red light for you?
sumdude Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I'm in the same boat man. 42 and divorced 4 years. My ex left for another man. Since then I've had only one relationship that lasted at all which she ended and a couple little ones. There may be some women who are a little wary of divorced men but it's not a huge factor. It's just that you and I were used to being married and liked it. I forgot how hard it is to be back out there dating. It's common to go through a few little relationships over time before finding one that lasts. Back to my 20's all over again. Just try to relax and enjoy life as a single guy until that right one comes along.
sally4sara Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I think maybe men do kinda get the shaft in the dating arean when they've gone through a divorce. I had no trouble finding dates or guys willing to give me a chance but men seem to be up against a stigma with this. I think the most common assumption is that they cheated and their wife divorced them over it or they're the adult version of a problem child the wife gave up on. While I've met a few men this holds true for, I think its not longer as relevant as it once was. I've met a few women who's personalities had me wondering the same causation for their own divorced status.
EasyHeart Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I don't refuse to date divorced women, but I'm very cautious. The reasons are: (1) divorced people are more likely to have emotional problems, so I want to be sure they are really, truly over their divorce; (2) many divorced people go through a second adolescence during which they are, frankly, real jackasses; (3) many divorced people have children, angry exes, financial issues, etc. that complicated dating and relationships; (4) many divorced people (especially the ones that were married a long time) are anxious to quickly find someone to fill the slot of husband or wife, and don't seem too picky as long as they get that slot filled; and (5) many divorced people don't know how to date, so it can make dating more awkward and difficult. Those are the things I can think of off the top of my head.
hopesndreams Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Do you refrain from dating divorced people and if you date them is it a red light for you? Depends on why they got divorced. You have a fear of rejection and because of this, you won't let anyone in. Let your guard down, be open and sharing, otherwise, this will just keep happening with you. A woman does not want to be with a man that isn't open. You are like a book, if one can't turn the pages coz the pages are glued together, the book gets put down, unread.
alexlakeman Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Don't worry about the "divorced" , you will notice more and more and more women in your age range are divorced.. so you'll blend in.. If a woman is in her 30's and hasn't been married, THEN there's a problem... I was divorced in my mid 30's and no problem... lots of divorced women around..
sumdude Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I think maybe men do kinda get the shaft in the dating arean when they've gone through a divorce. I had no trouble finding dates or guys willing to give me a chance but men seem to be up against a stigma with this. I think the most common assumption is that they cheated and their wife divorced them over it or they're the adult version of a problem child the wife gave up on. While I've met a few men this holds true for, I think its not longer as relevant as it once was. I've met a few women who's personalities had me wondering the same causation for their own divorced status. I think that divorced men who didn't want the divorce also take it really hard. Sometimes harder than a woman in the same boat. There is some statistical correlation. The suicide rate for divorced men is far higher than for women. An attractive woman can feel terrible about herself yet still have plenty of suitors. A man in the same position has to rebuild his self esteem to get back into approaching and courting a woman. I'm not asking for any violins to play. But this is the way of the world.
Eeyore79 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Do you refrain from dating divorced people and if you date them is it a red light for you? I personally prefer not to date divorced people. I see it as a red light that they made a poor choice of partner and actually got married before they realized the relationship didn't work. It makes me think the person is either impulsive (got married too soon) or just really bad at choosing partners for themselves (in which case, how do I know they're not making a mistake by being with me?). It also makes me think that they don't know how to handle a committed LTR, which doesn't bode well for me having a lasting relationship with them. I realize this is not necessarily true of every divorced person, but it's easier just to avoid all divorced people who may potentially have these issues. I've never been married, so it would bother me if my partner had been married before, because I want my wedding to be a special first-time thing for both of us. Also there's more risk that a divorced man might have kids or an ex-wife hanging around, and I don't get involved with men who have either kids or exes in their lives. OP, how old were the women you were dating, and were they divorced themselves? I'd expect that younger women or women who've never been married would be more judgemental and cautious about divorced men, and you might find an older and/or divorced woman to be more understanding.
sumdude Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I personally prefer not to date divorced people. I see it as a red light that they made a poor choice of partner and actually got married before they realized the relationship didn't work. It makes me think the person is either impulsive (got married too soon) or just really bad at choosing partners for themselves (in which case, how do I know they're not making a mistake by being with me?). It also makes me think that they don't know how to handle a committed LTR, which doesn't bode well for me having a lasting relationship with them. I realize this is not necessarily true of every divorced person, but it's easier just to avoid all divorced people who may potentially have these issues. I've never been married, so it would bother me if my partner had been married before, because I want my wedding to be a special first-time thing for both of us. Also there's more risk that a divorced man might have kids or an ex-wife hanging around, and I don't get involved with men who have either kids or exes in their lives. OP, how old were the women you were dating, and were they divorced themselves? I'd expect that younger women or women who've never been married would be more judgemental and cautious about divorced men, and you might find an older and/or divorced woman to be more understanding. Seems a bit judgmental. Just because someone made one poor choice in life doesn't mean they're not worthy. Besides, every marriage and divorce is unique. Things change, life is nothing but change and surprises. Something that was the right idea at the time can suddenly turn into something else. Hey it's Ok to make your choices based on what you think is right. However you might miss out on something great by painting with such a broad brush.
Distant78 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I personally prefer not to date divorced people. I see it as a red light that they made a poor choice of partner and actually got married before they realized the relationship didn't work. It makes me think the person is either impulsive (got married too soon) or just really bad at choosing partners for themselves (in which case, how do I know they're not making a mistake by being with me?). It also makes me think that they don't know how to handle a committed LTR, which doesn't bode well for me having a lasting relationship with them. I realize this is not necessarily true of every divorced person, but it's easier just to avoid all divorced people who may potentially have these issues. I've never been married, so it would bother me if my partner had been married before, because I want my wedding to be a special first-time thing for both of us. Also there's more risk that a divorced man might have kids or an ex-wife hanging around, and I don't get involved with men who have either kids or exes in their lives. OP, how old were the women you were dating, and were they divorced themselves? I'd expect that younger women or women who've never been married would be more judgemental and cautious about divorced men, and you might find an older and/or divorced woman to be more understanding. It's understandable that you want the "innocence" and "first-time" feeling for your first marriage but remember, that will fade eventually. Speaking from experience, marriage is hard work and some people divorce because their partner changed into someone else they didn't like and some don't know if they married a bad partner or not. Lots of folks put on their best face until the 4th of 5th year of marriage. Sometimes it's not their fault. Anyway I'm not trying to knock your view, because I do understand why you feel that way, but I just wanted to give you a different perspective.
Eeyore79 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Tbh I think the issue is more that I'd be jealous of his ex-wife and the fact that he had a wedding/marriage before, than about all the other stuff. The other stuff could be judged on a case-by-case basis, but if someone has been married before there will always be those jealousy issues, so I prefer to date someone who has never been married.
zengirl Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 (edited) I don't avoid divorced men, but men with kids from a previous marriage, I would. Just not at that stage yet. I dated a man who was divorced (I had a serious LTR with him) before. Probably dated others as well. I wouldn't date a recently divorced guy, or anyone recently out of a living together type LTR for that matter, but that's just because I think people need some time to recooperate. Also, I wouldn't date someone who couldn't tell me WHY they divorced. (Not talking about asking about it on Date #1, but I want him to be able to reflect on the proceedings of his emotional life, and this is a biggie.) I don't see it as a strike against anyone. My mother and step-father have the best relationship I've ever seen, and it's a 2nd marriage for both. Both were jilted and verbally abused---my Mom filed the papers, but she was cheated on for years, and my step-father was abandoned---and both used those experiences to reflect on what a good partner was, how to better their own lives, and how to make a marriage work. It's all about what you do with your past and your pain that matters to me. Everyone has baggage, in different shapes and colours; it's really more about how self-aware someone is of what baggage they bring in. For me, at least. YMMV. Edited February 5, 2011 by zengirl
Eeyore79 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I've dated three men who were divorced and/or had kids. My negative experiences are the major reason I'd never do it again. I couldn't stand the drama and hassle, and I found that their previous experiences had a negative effect on our relationship. They were too broke from paying child support and alimony and other expenses/debts to build a life with me, and the guys with kids were often busy and couldn't prioritize our relationship. All of them still maintained contact with their exes (which annoyed me immensely), and I found I was extremely jealous. That's before you even consider any emotional issues surrounding the divorce. I realized I want a man who can dedicate 100% of his time and resources to our relationship and our future family; I'm offering 100% commitment so I don't think it's unreasonable to want a partner who can offer the same. Why would I date a guy who's paying alimony, debt, or child support when I can date one who isn't? Plus the whole "first time for both of us" thing actually means a lot to me.
january2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Having dated one divorced guy, I'm leaning towards Eeyore79 on this one. It doesn't mean that I will never date another divorced guy again, but I'm going to be a lot more wary.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Hmm... as a soon-to-be-divorced person it hurts to hear people to make blanket statements about not dating divorced people. We don't have a disease you know. Would I consider dating someone who has been divorced. Well... I guess I would have to since I am about to be divorced too... I am not one to have a double standard. Are there issues that would have to be resolved, questions to be asked, things to be made clear upfront? Yes to all three. I would want the person I am with to know why I got divorced, what I have learned from it and how I have grown from it. I did not cheat, I was faithful to the end. I tried to make it work, I got counselling... I did not abuse, get violent, yell, etc. I would even give them my stbxH's phone number if they wished to call him. Honesty is my best policy... mostly cause I can't remember lies very well. So I tell the truth whether it hurts me or not. I wasn't perfect in my marriage and I will say so. I did try though, and stayed very loyal although I was unhappy toward the end. I am working on my issues and will say that too. I would expect at least the same from a person I would date who might be divorced. I would probably not date a man who has children or is paying child support or alimony. I would probably also request his exW's phone number. If a person is date worthy, it shouldn't matter if they have been divorced or not. They should be honest about their past anyway. I can't say I want someone who has never been married because they are pure or special. I want a person who will stay with me through thick and thin, like I will for them... a good lover, and a good husband. That beats the hell out of passing over a man who is divorced for someone who has never been married any day.
january2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 (edited) I want a person who will stay with me through thick and thin, like I will for them... a good lover, and a good husband. I'd want this too at some point in my future. However, a guy who is divorced has already been through that. If he was the one who initiated the divorce it would indicate that there was a limit to his "thick and thin" despite his vows. If his ex-wife initiated it, it would make me wonder if he was truly over her. I realise that means he "can't win" either way and thus seems rather unfair. However, it's a personal preference (not quite a dealbreaker yet) and we're allowed to have those when we date even if those preferences might seem irrational to others. I apologise if my post offends those who are divorced - since, we're not in the same dating pool it's unlikely that my individual preferences will impact upon your dating success. Edited February 5, 2011 by january2011
LittleTiger Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I'm divorced and when I started 'dating' again, I was actually looking for a man who was divorced. I'm in my 40s and my reasoning was pretty simple: 1. A man in his 40s who has never been married, or at least in a significant length LTR, is probably too choosy, afraid of commitment, not a good catch or has lots of 'issues'. I realise this is a gross generalisation but it's my experience of older unmarried men. 2. A man who has been married (or in a LTR) before: a) Probably genuinely wants a lifelong partner (even if he says otherwise straight after divorce) and isn't afraid of commitment (with the right woman). b) Understands how difficult LTRs can be and has probably learnt a few lessons along the way. c) Knows a little more about his compatible partner than he did when he committed to someone previously. d) Knows a little more about what he wants and needs to be happy. e) Understands more about his own good/bad qualities and what he has to offer. e) Has 'staying power' (assuming he wasn't the one who walked - or, if he did, it was for good reason). Of course, none of these are a given just because someone is divorced, and most will only be true if the man is prepared to do a little soul-searching and become more self-aware. I tend to be attacted to men who are deep thinkers and want to become the best they can be and I find the above qualities go along with that. A good man can find himself suddenly single because he hooked up with the wrong woman when he was young and naive - and he shouldn't be overlooked because of that. I won't say, through no fault of his own, because I believe it takes two to make and break a relationship. We all make mistakes - the important thing is that we learn from them. Just to clarity, I'd be wary of dating anyone who has been divorced more than once - that speaks volumes on it's own. On the other hand - when we meet the right person, we don't get to choose their background or relationship history. In my own case, I'm getting married again to an awesome man. He had a 15 year relationship with a woman that his entire family vehemently disliked and he has a 6 year old child to this woman. His daughter's a gem but we could both do without the existence of his ex - c'est la vie. What happened in the past has made him who he is now - and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Eeyore79 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I would probably not date a man who has children or is paying child support or alimony. Those of us who prefer not to date divorced people base our preference at least partly on the fact that a divorced guy is extremely likely to have those deal breakers. I'd be more likely to at least consider dating a divorced man if he had no children, no contact with his ex, and didn't pay alimony or debt from the marriage. However, stipulating those things rules out the vast majority of divorced men.
EasyHeart Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 There are different kinds of divorce, too. Some "divorced" people got married at 22 and realized at 24 that they made a mistake. No kids, no assets, no drama. In my mind, there's no difference between a divorce of that kind and just breaking up after a LTR. Generally, to me divorced people usually bring along kids, exes, houses, chlid support, bitterness, etc. That certainly doesn't mean they don't have the potential to be great partners; it just means that things are more complicated and you have to be more cautious. And that's sometimes hard because, IME, a lot of divorced women are super-aggressive and want things to move super-fast. And it seems that divorced men are even worse. I think some divorced people use the experience to look inward and become better people and better partners. But a lot of divorced people seem to be primarily interested in obtaining the status of being married, rather than finding the right partner. One interesting thing I've heard from many divorced women is that they feel ostracized from their social circle after a divorce. Other women don't want the divorced women around their husbands!!!
zengirl Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 1. A man in his 40s who has never been married, or at least in a significant length LTR, is probably too choosy, afraid of commitment, not a good catch or has lots of 'issues'. I realise this is a gross generalisation but it's my experience of older unmarried men. I think this is a very good point. And if I were in your age group, I'd prefer a divorced man to a never-been-married as well. It's another reason why I'm always perplexed when girls my age (26) date much older, never-been-married men. I've never seen that end well. Your generalization fits my observations as well.
phineas Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 (edited) The women's comments really don't help with the topic unless we know their age. When you are in your late 30's early 40's you are going to find very few men never married. Less men divorced with no kids. The majority of us have child support payments. Don't blame us, blame the laws & the women we divorced who use those laws to suck every penny they can out of us. I actually came out fairly well. I got my kids half the time so child support isn't exorbitant. Day care isn't too bad also. I can pay my bills & support myself. I just can't afford to wine & dine women on a weekly basis. I'm in no hurry to re-marry however after a month or so of going out women seem to pull the "I don't want a relationship" card & disappear when they realize i'm not going to keep giving them attention if their not going to have sex with me. I'm not needy, i'm desperate, I don't care who their with or what their doing when i'm not with them. I'm in a good place with lots to keep me busy so I don't understand the problem. Especially when these women have told me the last guy they dated was non-serious & there was sex & I tell them i'm cool with that. It makes no sense, they don't want serious, they don't want non-serious & they don't want sex. They just want me to hang out with them? Hanging out is cool for about a month but when I don't start seeing something more than a kiss here & there I start loosing interest. I'm 39. This is highschool virgin stuff that i'm seeing. Edited February 5, 2011 by phineas
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I was divorced in my 40's. When I was ready to start dating, I found a guy in my age range who had never been married (or in a long term marriage -like relationship) to be the biggest red flag. My concern was that a never married man over 40 might have really undeveloped relationship skills. OP, at the age of 36 I don't think that your status should affect the majority of women. When you encounter those who won't date divorced men, you'll just have to accept that as a preference like many other preferences, and move along. Just from your OP, I suspect that one of your problems might be that you are looking for a person to fill the empty space that you've been left with since your divorce, and women you meet may not be getting the impression that you are paying attention and interested in them as individuals. Could that be?
Soxfaninfl Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I realized I want a man who can dedicate 100% of his time and resources to our relationship and our future family; I'm offering 100% commitment so I don't think it's unreasonable to want a partner who can offer the same. I hate to tell you, but you will never have 100% commitment from him once you have children with him. He will have to dedicate time to your children, and you will have to do the same. You won't have his constant attention and neither will he from you. The more children you have the less and less time you will have for each other.
Author surreal123 Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Just from your OP, I suspect that one of your problems might be that you are looking for a person to fill the empty space that you've been left with since your divorce, and women you meet may not be getting the impression that you are paying attention and interested in them as individuals. Could that be? That may be true in some aspects or I might come across that way - Something I know about myself is that I'll never be needy. I'll do what is exepected of what is to be done in my position. I won't call 10 times a day. I'll only do special things for her if she gives me a reason to or if I get the idea she's into me and wants me.. or I'll go with what I can read from her to see what she's ready for. I think from a man's perspective it's all about timing. If you press the wrong buttons it can be very easy to get disconnected.. In my mind romantic relationships is a woman's turf.. I cannot confess undying love (even if I'm crazy about her) if she's not ready for it or if the feeling isn't mutual. I can only ask her out on a date. Make her feel good and special.. give her a great time and wait for the clues as to how she feels about me to take things further or to get more serious. I think it works differently for both sexes. Woman do the choosing.. Put an attractive woman infront of a man. Make him believe he has a chance with her and the ods are high that she will have his undying attention. He'll fall in love on the spot. But the decission if she'll take him and keep him rests solely on the her.. with woman in general it normally works differently.. they fall in love with the person.. Men as well but that is only part of the package for men.. for a starters anyway. There is a reason woman have been wearing make-up for thousands of years. That is how I see things. My internal map if you will. My phillosophy always worked well before I got married.. but now.. I'm stumped. I seem to be pressing the wrong buttons but I'm unable to pinpoint what I'm doing wrong.. Maybe I'm too cautious.. the 2 failed relationships I had I really liked the woman. Found them very interesting as people.. they were beautifull .. I actually feel regret writing this that it didn't work out with each. I have no children with my ex wife. Have no contact with her. She kind of hurt the crap out of me. Got pregnant with her bosses child.. could not take that and started the divorce proceedings. Many woman ask why I'm divorced. Happened a lot on a first date. Probably because I'm very easy to get a long with. I don't know what to tell them. I don't like getting pity from people and I don't think it goes off well on a first date telling them this... so I'm kind of screwed regarding that.. If I tell them I'll tell them when I know them better their guards go up. If I tell them what really happened they pity me and I give them a bad impression of me..
zengirl Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I think it's fine to give a general answer and tell the real story. My step-father was mistreated horribly by his 1st wife, and it doesn't make my mother think any less of him. I think he told her fairly soon-in, too. Just as long as you don't do it in a self-pitying way, I think it's fine. Though you can give an overview and save the nuts and bolts for when you know someone better.
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