giveittofate Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 After being the dumpee and going through the most devastating month of my life (december)..i decided to go NC with my ex gf (I spent a month straight doing all the wrong things begging, pleading, crying, say the future will be brighter to no avail) went NC for the whole Month of January, to which a week ago she called me out of the blue (i didnt pick up or respond)..then she texted the next day saying "i can't go on knowing there's bad blood between us and I just want to bury the hatchet"...to which i was brief and said no bad blood, it was a part of life that happened and wishing her the best the next day i get a text asking to grab drinks as just 2 ppl...i turn it down very nicely, just saying it would push me back on my progression of healing....later that night i get a massive text of her spilling her guts to me saying how she's lonely, sad, depressed, and just can't get better....nothing about wanting to get back, but with all she said its hard for me to not think she might want to give it another shot. we talked once on the phone the next night...the first 45 mins were just catching up and talking about what we've been up too...the last 45 were reminiscing, laughing, and just being in good spirits...since then there has been nothing of substance said. my question to all you LS people with all your wisdom is do i take her up on the offer to meet up? I still am in love with her, and with all she said, is there any sign of hope of a reconciliation? or do you think she just wanted to talk to me to make sure i'm not over her?...i can't get her off my mind since our talk and it's eating away at me on what i should do...any pointers are truly appreciated. THANKS!
Eddie Edirol Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 NO NO NO!! DONT DO IT! it is false hope. You see an opening, but what is happening is that she fell hard for the guy she dumped you for, and he prolly dumped her for someone else and she is devastated. You know what that means? That means she is now just thinking of you as a buddy, to vent to so she feels better and nothing else. She is avoiding the subject of you and her because she doesnt think of you that way anymore. Plus you cant develop any kind of attraction from her when you are SO available and let her use you as an emotional tampon. Thats not the way it was when you first dated, it wont work that way now. Stop talking to her entirely, she roped you in with pity, you fell for it, get out of this now. You know that you will be devastated if you bring up the topic of you and her and she blows it off, or tells you the truth, which is that she doesnt see you that way. So either get it over with or cut her off, but dont drag this out anymore.
Author giveittofate Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 Thanks eddie, that makes sense...although there was never another guy involved, I feel like it's just hitting her now since she was the dumper and she needs a shoulder to cry on....and I 100% don't want to be in the friend zone...it's all or nothing for me.....so I don't plan to contact her again anytime soon, but if she does try to make contact again soon and seems to be legit with her feelings and all, should I consider a meeting with us?....or really make her work at it?....i just don't want to come across as not caring at all, because deep down i do
0hpenelope Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 (edited) After being the dumpee and going through the most devastating month of my life (december)..i decided to go NC with my ex gf (I spent a month straight doing all the wrong things begging, pleading, crying, say the future will be brighter to no avail) Augh. later that night i get a massive text of her spilling her guts to me saying how she's lonely, sad, depressed, and just can't get better....nothing about wanting to get back, but with all she said its hard for me to not think she might want to give it another shot. Does she not have anyone else to talk to? No other friends in the world at all? You need to heal too you know, and she needs to give you the space so you can get over her. What is up with all of these dumpers wanting to be friends right away? She's feeling withdrawals from your presence, too. You know... it's exactly what she wanted, to not have you around anymore. She wants you as a friend, but you're not ready right now. Maybe your feelings will change about it, maybe you'll never want her as just a friend at all. Break off contact w/ her. She really should be more understanding of you, she's fortunate that you didn't just drop out of her life as some dumpees do and disappear. You actually gave her an explanation. I don't subscribe to the idea that there's such a thing as false hope. It's hope, it's neither false nor true. Hope is a good thing, but is sorely misappropriated and misunderstood especially when people are bitter about things. I empathize with them too, having been in their position. I think you're in the same situation as many of us here in that we should not dwell on the possibility of a reconciliation that may not happen. Edited February 4, 2011 by 0hpenelope
Author giveittofate Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 oh, she has friends, but she explained to me that she pretends to be such a hardass around them to come across as fine, yet deep down she's quite messed up. I love the idea of what's meant to be will always be....but easier said than done to just live each day without "hoping" for a reconciliation for the future...I know it's not healthy but I don't seem to have that much mind control yet....hopefully with more time I'll be able to live and not wish for anything....and if she really wants to prove something to me like there could be a future, she'd have to really make a good effort...i just got to not jump at every text she sends and get excited...keep my cool for sure
Eddie Edirol Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Thanks eddie, that makes sense...although there was never another guy involved, I feel like it's just hitting her now since she was the dumper and she needs a shoulder to cry on....and I 100% don't want to be in the friend zone...it's all or nothing for me.....so I don't plan to contact her again anytime soon, but if she does try to make contact again soon and seems to be legit with her feelings and all, should I consider a meeting with us?....or really make her work at it?....i just don't want to come across as not caring at all, because deep down i do You WANT to make her work REALLY hard for it, if she doesnt, she doesnt really want you. And you have to come off as if you dont care, because if you show her you do care, theres nothing for her to work for, and she will want to have to earn your trust and care again when she trampled you like she did. Act like you dont need her and that she is the ugly girl that isnt your type.
Author giveittofate Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 haha, act like she is the ugly girl...but yeah, I'm pretty certain she knows im still head over heals for her, but i've been doing a good job at not contacting her or anything...and it's been a week since she asked me to grab drinks or something, and i've yet to take her up on that offer, so all in all I'm doing a good job in my opinion of not seeming too weak...I want to see more effort out of her to show she cares before I agree to anything....everyday there has been some sort of small text sent between us, so it seems the lines of communication are slowly opening up again, but I can't get my hopes up too much and just feel like a useless p.o.s. if things never transpire.
gator12 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Look I did the exact same thing as you. I spent two weeks NC, followed by two weeks begging my ex. Then a solid month of no contact. And now she's back begging in a sense. The fact is you need to stay in NC. She is trying to get your attention and forgiveness, to get rid of her guilt. She did not bring up the relationship intentionally. Trust me on that. You need to continue to ignore any texts or calls she sends unless they speciffically say I want to get back together/miss you etc. She cannot know you still love her, that does not matter, she needs to know your life is not dependant on her. That you are "moving on" which you need to do. Nothing else will help her come back other than that. And nothing else will help you. You cannot break contact again if she wants you back nothing will stop her, I promise you that. If she ever gets to this point then ask for advice on your next move because I've got plenty of it. Right now do not let her get your hopes up, do not let her have power over you. Show her you're not second to anyone by not breaking contact again. If she wants you back she will be back, and I mean really back. Not these weak texts she's sending you. Stay stong -Gator
Author giveittofate Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Gator- that is some wonderful insight...I mean the texts she's sending me are quite weak for the most part, and I'm really trying to not get my hopes up at all, to just be crushed in the end...i've done good by going NC for a whole month, and i think that shows her I CAN survive without her (although let me tell you it's quite hard to get by at times) let me ask you...one of her initial texts she explained to me how she missed sharing things with me, felt like half a person, and was so lonely and broken...yet those magical words of "I want you back" or "I want to try again" have yet to surface...until I hear those words keep my distance right? even though she explained she's clearly not coping too well. it's crazy how when I get a text from her my heart seriously gets a little jolt and makes me feel so alive, and i could so easliy write back a novel to her, yet i'm keeping it short...she was my first love, so I guess that's why this is so confusing and hard on me, yet i'm 24 and she's 21, and i guess there's no need to rush anything...like you said and what i must remember, if she really wants to show me she wants me back, she'll prove it...thanks man for the good advice
Eddie Edirol Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Gator- that is some wonderful insight...I mean the texts she's sending me are quite weak for the most part, and I'm really trying to not get my hopes up at all, to just be crushed in the end...i've done good by going NC for a whole month, and i think that shows her I CAN survive without her (although let me tell you it's quite hard to get by at times) let me ask you...one of her initial texts she explained to me how she missed sharing things with me, felt like half a person, and was so lonely and broken...yet those magical words of "I want you back" or "I want to try again" have yet to surface...until I hear those words keep my distance right? even though she explained she's clearly not coping too well. it's crazy how when I get a text from her my heart seriously gets a little jolt and makes me feel so alive, and i could so easliy write back a novel to her, yet i'm keeping it short...she was my first love, so I guess that's why this is so confusing and hard on me, yet i'm 24 and she's 21, and i guess there's no need to rush anything...like you said and what i must remember, if she really wants to show me she wants me back, she'll prove it...thanks man for the good advice Ive been through these feelings. Here is how to avoid writing back a novel and keeping yourself on edge waiting for her texts. She will NEVER want you back. She just wants to know shes not a bad person in your eyes, thats what the texts are for. She doesnt like thinking that you DONT want to talk to her. So its a waste of your energy to think she will come back, she wont. I waited for my ex to change her mind, and she had moved on, and she never did. Women dont move backwards, thats all there is to it.
Author giveittofate Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Ive been through these feelings. Here is how to avoid writing back a novel and keeping yourself on edge waiting for her texts. She will NEVER want you back. She just wants to know shes not a bad person in your eyes, thats what the texts are for. She doesnt like thinking that you DONT want to talk to her. So its a waste of your energy to think she will come back, she wont. I waited for my ex to change her mind, and she had moved on, and she never did. Women dont move backwards, thats all there is to it. -I hear what you're saying eddie, and I truly am trying to tell myself to not expect anything in the future and to move on realizing it's completely over...and I'd be lying if I said i'm there now...my head and heart aren't on the same page, and as pissed as I am to say it part of still longs and fantasizes hearing those words "I want you back, let's try again"...trust me logically thinking I know it's very unlikely that will be the case, but my damn heart gets the best of me at times and holds on to that hope (stupid and unhealthy, but I'm human) let me ask you eddie, how long did it take you to finally realize it was over and to truly 100% give up all hope of a second chance?...just curious...it's been 2 months for me and my break up and I'm still pinning away at times, not nearly as bad as the first month, but none the less i'm pinning. thanks for your honesty and input.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 let me ask you eddie, how long did it take you to finally realize it was over and to truly 100% give up all hope of a second chance?...just curious...it's been 2 months for me and my break up and I'm still pinning away at times, not nearly as bad as the first month, but none the less i'm pinning. thanks for your honesty and input. Well when it happened to me, i didnt have this site, and my ex did the slow breakup with me, and I let her keep me on backup for like 4 months. I was taking crumbs, and it was a looong 4 months hoping for "that" text from her. We also hung out a few times then, and after I found this site in the 4th month, I finally ignored her texts and she went away. After that, it still took almost a year to stop thinking about her alot. I had no consistent support base to help me forget about her. I dated a rebound that didnt work. It will take some time, but its all about how you retrain your brain to get her out of your head. I kept thoughts in my head of why I WOULDNT want her back. After like 2 months of hibernating, I started working on
gator12 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Well it's not always the case that they never want you back. The fact is until they are terrorizing your phone with phone calls saying they miss you, etc and want you back then they are not worth responding too. It's hard to stay strong. My only advice is to stay in no contact, if she wants you back nothing will keep her from coming back. And you will be the one in the position of power, the one who decides where to take it from there. You need to honestly think about the relationship from an objective point of view and go into nc thinking she will never come back. I did that and my ex is on the verge of coming back, I myself am not cling to the hope she might not come back. You need to go into nc to heal, and you need to do it for yourself. If she comes back there will be no mistaking it. She will come back begging, but don't wait for it. Live your life, and a caution about second chances if it ever comes your way. You need to spend your nc working on any flaws you may have that could have contributed to the breakup in the first place. That way if you should ever gett back together the same issues don't ruin your next chance which is usually the case. And if you never get back together well then those issues are solved for your next relationship.
Author giveittofate Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 gator- I must say, that if it wasn't for you making the very valid point that if she wants me back nothing will stop her from making that apparent, I'd probably be texting her and asking her to meet up as we speak...but that is one thing with this whole break up that ACTUALLY makes sense to me...I mean her spilling her guts to me, and telling me how depressed she is and trying to make some contact is something, yet it doesn't mean anything in terms of her wanting to make things work again....You are 100% correct when you say that the only way to consider hope is to see her actually come back to me with 100% certainty that she wants to try again...it's soooo easy to get all excited about a few small meaningless texts like eddie said, yet that will just set you back more and more, waiting for something that will possibly never come. Honestly though coming on here and checking your guy's wisdom and insight keeps me sane though and reminds me of how important NC really is...if we were really meant to be, i'll see a good attempt from her that is meaningful...if not, well it'll sting and hurt not hearing from her, but atleast i'll know and go out with dignity, rather than a begging doormat. also, i don't know about you guys, but i recently had a one night stand with a pretty attractive girl, yet in the end , i felt worse...i thought that might help make me get my mind off my ex, yet it just made me want her more...any suggestions on healthy ways to get them from controlling your mind the majority of the day? or any other tips you guys implemented to move on? i really do appreciate the insight and tips...thanks guys.
gator12 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 gator- I must say, that if it wasn't for you making the very valid point that if she wants me back nothing will stop her from making that apparent, I'd probably be texting her and asking her to meet up as we speak...but that is one thing with this whole break up that ACTUALLY makes sense to me...I mean her spilling her guts to me, and telling me how depressed she is and trying to make some contact is something, yet it doesn't mean anything in terms of her wanting to make things work again....You are 100% correct when you say that the only way to consider hope is to see her actually come back to me with 100% certainty that she wants to try again...it's soooo easy to get all excited about a few small meaningless texts like eddie said, yet that will just set you back more and more, waiting for something that will possibly never come. Honestly though coming on here and checking your guy's wisdom and insight keeps me sane though and reminds me of how important NC really is...if we were really meant to be, i'll see a good attempt from her that is meaningful...if not, well it'll sting and hurt not hearing from her, but atleast i'll know and go out with dignity, rather than a begging doormat. also, i don't know about you guys, but i recently had a one night stand with a pretty attractive girl, yet in the end , i felt worse...i thought that might help make me get my mind off my ex, yet it just made me want her more...any suggestions on healthy ways to get them from controlling your mind the majority of the day? or any other tips you guys implemented to move on? i really do appreciate the insight and tips...thanks guys. You are doing very well with NC, so you should definitley be proud of yourself. I mean we may seem wise, but most of it is having made those mistakes before and then learning from them. And then just watching my current ex come back like she did just validates how true it is. Idk. Advice for getting over them, is to go out with friends, your guy friends and just have a good time. Go to the gym, I'd avoid one night stands because they still give off that emotional aspect that you had with your ex so they will usually leave you feeling miserable. It's fine to flirt with girls and have fun by all means, but be careful if it leaves you feeling like how it did the other day. -Gator
Graceful Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Giveit, What I'm getting from you is that you don't seem to have your focus on the fact that you were dumped. Remember? So with your ex contacting you like this, it's a little backwards, wouldn't you say? Just contacting you, trying to act like she didn't do anything to hurt you, not even acknowledging she dumped you. Did she forget? I mean, she's acting like you dumped her. It should be of no concern to you how she feels, let alone that she's lonely, depressed, has no one to talk to? Why is that your problem? It's not. She's hurt you, she caused you lots of pain. So she's got you all tangled up in her pain now, and that's pretty darn manipulative if you ask me. I mean her spilling her guts to me, and telling me how depressed she is and trying to make some contact is something, yet it doesn't mean anything in terms of her wanting to make things work again...Seriously, dude, you should tell her to call her mother. She doesn't own your shoulder, does she? So why is she crying all over it? You are 100% correct when you say that the only way to consider hope is to see her actually come back to me with 100% certainty that she wants to try again...it's soooo easy to get all excited about a few small meaningless texts I've said this before and I'll say it until I am blue in the face, but it takes nothing, absolutely nothing to send a text. You don't have to inconvenience yourself, it takes no time, it takes no thought, it takes no commitment, it takes no courage, it takes no emotion, it takes, well ... see where I'm going? It takes NO effort at all!! None!!! Someone wants you? They make an effort. They come forward. They have the guts to say what they want. They start with an apology for hurting you, not pretending things are normal and that they have your friendship. If your friendship is worth something, then she needs to earn it. And she's not doing anything of the kind right now. Just acting very immature if you ask me. You're going to have to ride this out. If you are serious about feeling better, then stay NC and mean business. This girl dumped you. Plain and simple. If you go back, we'll expect to see you back here in worse shape in a month or maybe two. Nothing has changed. She hasn't changed. No one changes in a month. Whatever was wrong in December is still wrong now. She's the same. Don't forget that. Now don't make your shoulder available anymore, do you hear me? Take care.
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