Author East7 Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 Careful East...next thing you know, you'll be considered a "reformed" OM, and have your sincerity and advice questioned! :) Glad to hear that you're being smart and cautious, my friend! I don't intend telling about my past. 'Officially' I was single Juts enjoying 'my girls', having drinks and talking. It's not the first time, I hang out often with them, they are cute, fancy and smart. It sounds like that was pretty obvious given what he described of their interactions. That doesn't mean that she's a psychopath or fantasist...but it IS a pretty good indicator that she's pretty self-centered. Yes, yes and yes.
Author East7 Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 I can think of an awful lot of reasons for xMOW to have got in touch in this way. The above ones paint her quite black, but when we are assessing the motives of others we are pretty much in the dark. I think your friends here on LS are helping you with dealing with the facts, but I'm not sure the paint it black musings on motive are ultimately in reality any more than an A is. Unless you suspect she is a complete fantasist, or worse a psychopath? Believe me, I've been there. First of all xMOW is not accurate, she is not an OW, I'm single. I don't think anyone here painted her "in black". Yes she has feelings but she doesn't want to do anything with them other than having a little dirty secret. I can tell her feelings are genuine but that is not making me happy, there was a time I would just be happy with her ILY-s but not now. Love without actions means nothing to me.
steelknife Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 So, knock, knock....xMW is back ! Fast forward now. This week surprise long e-mail with innocent "Hi, I wonder how are you, etc etc" like nothing ever happened..., I didn't answer which drove her nuts. Telephone call. I was happy to hear her voice so I was polite. I never wanted to block her because I though we could stick with our decisions and I never contacted her again. She did though.. Since then talking on IM like 10+ times a day. She says she still loves me and wants "to save our relationship" .She takes every single little moment she has to IM me. I expect you to say "Oh you're too weak dude", but the reason I let her resume communication was really to see what are her intentions/hidden agenda even if I don't trust her anymore. All i'm wondering is a big WHY? Why doing this if she decided to stay married? What is she doing to her H ? They never went MC, this i know, so maybe she is seeking f'king attention-validation-admiration again. I'm really mad the reason you allow her, even if you dont trust her anymore is; you want to see if she has changed. she has made a decision to be with you. and see if she wants to make it work. i know you dont trust her. like me, i didnt. but i was still there prior to a major event. but please east. its not worth it. despite saying and believing you dont trust her. she is still capable of hurting you. when she stops communicating, you wont ask why. but deep inside you will, and deep inside, it hurts. just dont go through this road again. just dont.
BB07 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I can think of an awful lot of reasons for xMOW to have got in touch in this way. The above ones paint her quite black, but when we are assessing the motives of others we are pretty much in the dark. I think your friends here on LS are helping you with dealing with the facts, but I'm not sure the paint it black musings on motive are ultimately in reality any more than an A is. Unless you suspect she is a complete fantasist, or worse a psychopath? Believe me, I've been there. No matter what the reasons, what good can come of it if East wants more than "just an affair"? When all is said and done, the reasons don't seem to matter. The FACT is that she is STAYING married and EAST wants MORE, so reasons nor excuses make any difference.
wheelwright Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 No matter what the reasons, what good can come of it if East wants more than "just an affair"? When all is said and done, the reasons don't seem to matter. The FACT is that she is STAYING married and EAST wants MORE, so reasons nor excuses make any difference. I agree with above. And I also think musing about why his x is in touch is probably silly.
Author East7 Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 And I also think musing about why his x is in touch is probably silly. Who are you to tell me that my concerns are silly ? You know nothing about my A with my xMW.
Gotti25 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Funny I am in the same situation just opposite !! NC is the best way to go East!!
JaneyAmazed Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 So, knock, knock....xMW is back ! Background : Me (single) and xMW, 1.5yr long distance PA/EA ended 5 months ago. She claimed she confessed the A to her H, he forgave her (I don't think she confessed the PA part..). She really went through pain and withdrawal breaking NC a couple of times and I grieved too. Fast forward now. This week surprise long e-mail with innocent "Hi, I wonder how are you, etc etc" like nothing ever happened..., I didn't answer which drove her nuts. Telephone call. I was happy to hear her voice so I was polite. I never wanted to block her because I though we could stick with our decisions and I never contacted her again. She did though.. Since then talking on IM like 10+ times a day. She says she still loves me and wants "to save our relationship" .She takes every single little moment she has to IM me. I expect you to say "Oh you're too weak dude", but the reason I let her resume communication was really to see what are her intentions/hidden agenda even if I don't trust her anymore. All i'm wondering is a big WHY? Why doing this if she decided to stay married? What is she doing to her H ? They never went MC, this i know, so maybe she is seeking f'king attention-validation-admiration again. I'm really mad I haven't read this thread yet, this makes me sick on my stomach. The fact that she's doing this means she does not need to be married. I can't imagine if I just went back to my xOM like nothing happened. I know it's too late, but the worst thing you could have done was reply to her or answer her calls at all. Why is she doing this to her H? Because she wasn't serious in the first place about staying with him or she's a real live cake-eater. Either way, I feel sorry for her H. He should know what's going on.
Author East7 Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Funny I am in the same situation just opposite !! NC is the best way to go East!! Yes I remember but your situation is very different, you wanted simply to get laid with OM (as you said it yourself), nothing more.
JaneyAmazed Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I haven't read this thread yet, this makes me sick on my stomach. The fact that she's doing this means she does not need to be married. I can't imagine if I just went back to my xOM like nothing happened. I know it's too late, but the worst thing you could have done was reply to her or answer her calls at all. Why is she doing this to her H? Because she wasn't serious in the first place about staying with him or she's a real live cake-eater. Either way, I feel sorry for her H. He should know what's going on. Ok East, I read the thread. Sorry, what I said you already knew! Good for you for turning her down.
Gotti25 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 How do you know that? Maybe why don't you just accept being used by this women lol!!!
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I agree with above. And I also think musing about why his x is in touch is probably silly. How is this different than anybody else who's gone through a break up, whether it be affair related or not. I think anyone who's done NC and one person breaks NC, it's an instinctual and obvious reaction to wonder why. The key though is to not obsess with it. think about it, then let it go, get back into NC mode.
Spark1111 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I think during the affair it is normal to believe this is the one and only great love of your life. When it ends, many continue to believe that. But some do learn how selfish the AP is/was when it hits them like a brick between the eyes that their wants and feelings mattered little to this "love of their life." That to many an AP, it was how you made them feel --and your own feelings be damned. East, I am sorry you had to go through this. East, I am happy you had to go through this and came away MAD! MAD is how one should feel when they are being used to alleviate boredom.
Heather1 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Kinda like ripping open the wound huh? Well...All I can tell you is leaving a M is turning out for me to be REALLY hard!! My H also knows, and wants to stay M. We have kids, our families get along great, I stayed home w/ them for 15 years before going back to work. There's practical things women think about, especially now. Health insurance, retirement, college costs, etc. that all evaporate in a divorce no matter what the law says. In my real life, seeing friends D has been financial suicide. My son's best friend & siblings suffered from depression for a year after their mom left w/ OM & haven't talked to her since. I know you're hurting over this, but it really is not as easy as it seems. Her loyalty is w/ her family, her heart is w/ you. I'm there myself, but my situation is different, xOM isn't in love w/ me.
bentnotbroken Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Kinda like ripping open the wound huh? Well...All I can tell you is leaving a M is turning out for me to be REALLY hard!! My H also knows, and wants to stay M. We have kids, our families get along great, I stayed home w/ them for 15 years before going back to work. There's practical things women think about, especially now. Health insurance, retirement, college costs, etc. that all evaporate in a divorce no matter what the law says. In my real life, seeing friends D has been financial suicide. My son's best friend & siblings suffered from depression for a year after their mom left w/ OM & haven't talked to her since. I know you're hurting over this, but it really is not as easy as it seems. Her loyalty is w/ her family, her heart is w/ you. I'm there myself, but my situation is different, xOM isn't in love w/ me. Depends on the state and the reasons for the divorce. It didn't evaporate for all of us.
Heather1 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 My point is, there's a lot to consider in a D & that East should not think it's lack of love for him.
bentnotbroken Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 My point is, there's a lot to consider in a D & that East should not think it's lack of love for him. Why shouldn't he think that? It is entirely possible that is exactly why she hasn't left. Or she could just be a pretty big coward. Or she could..... He certainly should think it is a lack of love for him along other things.
fooled once Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 So, knock, knock....xMW is back ! Background : Me (single) and xMW, 1.5yr long distance PA/EA ended 5 months ago. She claimed she confessed the A to her H, he forgave her (I don't think she confessed the PA part..). She really went through pain and withdrawal breaking NC a couple of times and I grieved too. Fast forward now. This week surprise long e-mail with innocent "Hi, I wonder how are you, etc etc" like nothing ever happened..., I didn't answer which drove her nuts. Telephone call. I was happy to hear her voice so I was polite. I never wanted to block her because I though we could stick with our decisions and I never contacted her again. She did though.. Since then talking on IM like 10+ times a day. She says she still loves me and wants "to save our relationship" .She takes every single little moment she has to IM me. I expect you to say "Oh you're too weak dude", but the reason I let her resume communication was really to see what are her intentions/hidden agenda even if I don't trust her anymore. All i'm wondering is a big WHY? Why doing this if she decided to stay married? What is she doing to her H ? They never went MC, this i know, so maybe she is seeking f'king attention-validation-admiration again. I'm really mad She thinks that enough time has passed that you calmed down with your "crazy ideas" about wanting her for yourself I don't think anything changed at all, she's just hoping that enough time passed and she can get back with you to where you were. Yep. I agree with TC. Why is simple. She enjoyed the affair. She didn't care about the costs to her M, to her H, nor to you. And she's convinced that when she reaches out to you...you'll be there. She hasn't been proven wrong yet. She knows that if she reaches out enough times/in enough ways...you'll respond. The affair will resume in some fashion, and probably escalate back to what it once was if she takes all the right steps. She knows how to manipulate the situation and the players to get what she wants, regardless of what they've stated that they need. It works for her too...so why would you expect anything different from her? Totally agree with Owl! Yes I head some stirred feelings the first time she contacted me but now I'm more detached, I feel very different from the person I was during the A's fog. There is no fog anymore, I was just nostalgic about the times we spent together, now the more I talk with her the more I get disappointed of the person she actually is. Sometimes, oddly, breaking NC and looking at the person from a different perspective, breaks all the lingering feelings. I agree East. Sometimes breaking NC and really seeing things (after the fog has cleared) does truly help to end things once and for all. Careful East...next thing you know, you'll be considered a "reformed" OM, and have your sincerity and advice questioned! :) Glad to hear that you're being smart and cautious, my friend! :laugh: I feel like Bent right now because I just about spit out my iced tea! :laugh: Heather, I have to respectfully disagree. As someone who had a small child and no job, I had no problems filing for divorce. Sometimes, people use all the obstacles of a divorce as a reason to stay married - it is "easier" than divorcing. And like Bent said, many times health insurance is carried on a former spouse until xx amount of time (such as when the former spouse gets a job). Personally, I firmly believe each person should support themselves - if only to have extra spending money. I don't believe in being financially dependent upon anyone but myself.
Heather1 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I'm going to maintain it's not an easy decision as OP make it out to be. There's a lot of variables & it's not a matter of picking one person over another. I'm not her, so I can't say her rationale or her situation. Splitting a family over a M that isn't working is one thing, leaving for OP is another. I think I wrote this before, but I ran into this guy who M his AP & left his W & kids. He & former AP were getting divorced because his whole family hated her & they were never able to make it work. If East wants to marry this W, I agree, stay away unless/until she's D & the dust settles. xOM & I never even considered leaving spouses for eachother, so I don't know how East feels either. I don't know why everything's so black & white on this board? Wants to continue being M & not splitting up family = cake eater. Getting D & being w/ AP = the right thing?? It's absurd. The right thing would be to know the signs BEFORE & not get into this mess in the first place. & yet here we all are, so let's just deal w/ the reality & see what we need to do to move on?
half_ofa_heart Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I don't know why everything's so black & white on this board? Wants to continue being M & not splitting up family = cake eater. Getting D & being w/ AP = the right thing?? It's absurd. The right thing would be to know the signs BEFORE & not get into this mess in the first place. & yet here we all are, so let's just deal w/ the reality & see what we need to do to move on? AMEN Sister!
Spark1111 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I'm going to maintain it's not an easy decision as OP make it out to be. There's a lot of variables & it's not a matter of picking one person over another. I'm not her, so I can't say her rationale or her situation. Splitting a family over a M that isn't working is one thing, leaving for OP is another. I think I wrote this before, but I ran into this guy who M his AP & left his W & kids. He & former AP were getting divorced because his whole family hated her & they were never able to make it work. If East wants to marry this W, I agree, stay away unless/until she's D & the dust settles. xOM & I never even considered leaving spouses for eachother, so I don't know how East feels either. I don't know why everything's so black & white on this board? Wants to continue being M & not splitting up family = cake eater. Getting D & being w/ AP = the right thing?? It's absurd. The right thing would be to know the signs BEFORE & not get into this mess in the first place. & yet here we all are, so let's just deal w/ the reality & see what we need to do to move on? East is single and wanted a full-time relationship with this woman. She would not leave her H. They mutually agreed to NC. She broke it. She is still not leaving her H, and now grows upset with East that he is not interested in re-opening the Affair door. He is angry at her lack of respect for his feelings, as he should be. His xMOW is upset that they cannot go back to what was. With NC has come a lot of clarity for East7, and he should be proud of himself!
woinlove Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I don't know why everything's so black & white on this board? Wants to continue being M & not splitting up family = cake eater. Getting D & being w/ AP = the right thing?? It's absurd. The right thing would be to know the signs BEFORE & not get into this mess in the first place. & yet here we all are, so let's just deal w/ the reality & see what we need to do to move on? "everything's so black & white"??? I'm not sure which posts you are referring to, as the ones posting who divorced are speaking of their own experience, and East has said he doesn't see the feedback as "black" and he knows a lot more about this MW than any of us do. Even in your own case, maybe you would be considering divorce if the MM wanted to leave his W and marry you. I don't know, maybe not, but just tossing that out since I don't understand where your comment is coming from and you seem overly sensitive to suggestions that other people should consider divorce if they love someone else. As to doing "the right thing" you refer to, for this thread doing the right thing is East doing what works best for him. And, from this thread and others, it seems he is doing the right thing in recognizing MW's actions are not good enough for him and not letting her hurt him more.
Heather1 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 & I totally agree that East is doing the right thing!! For what he wants & his situation, he's absolutely doing what he needs to do. I'm just trying to present a MOW's perspective to show that she does have more than just cake eating feelings for him. But if he wants "more," he needs to stay NC for his own sanity. I don't disagree w/ that at all. I think he's doing great!!
woinlove Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 & I totally agree that East is doing the right thing!! For what he wants & his situation, he's absolutely doing what he needs to do. I'm just trying to present a MOW's perspective to show that she does have more than just cake eating feelings for him. But if he wants "more," he needs to stay NC for his own sanity. I don't disagree w/ that at all. I think he's doing great!! Thanks for the clarification, Heather. I'm still learning the lingo, so I could be wrong, but I thought "cake eating" just means a MP who wants to stay married and keep their AP. Maybe it is not a very nice way to refer to them, but their actions (staying married, while continuing to try to keep the affair going) are also not very nice for the OW/OM or for their spouse. I didn't think the term implied anything much about love, except that the a cake-eating MP doesn't love the AP in the way that would make them come clean with their spouse, end the marriage and try to spend the rest of their love with the AP. Please correct me if I am wrong about any of this.
Author East7 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 (edited) Thank you guys ! I am very very thankful for everyone's inputs. Special thanks to Spark1111, she knows why I have been absent from the thread as the weekend was good with friends. Ironically, since xMW was back my friends don't stop calling for going out (most of them are female friends, not married, just happy singles kind of "Sex and the city" ladies ). So back to the topic. Heather, you are making some good points, it feels like it's my MW talking, you have exatly the same views. Yes it is not easy to change a well established life, be the bad guys (xMW and AP) and yes probably a lot of people would have resented us. And yes she was sooo much in the practical consequences, what if I lose this, what if I lose that.... BUT, that is very selfish ! I never complained or calculated my future life with her based on what people think, what property or finances am I losing. You'd say "Easy, you are single and you have no divorce issues", Sure, yet I was ready to do my part, she wasn't ! Bottom-line is : She may have all the good reasons to stay and keep loving me, but hell, I have a life too, why should I be "the other man". She thinks about her butt, so I'll think about mine...I don't want someone how doesn't want to be with me in a decent way...and a decent way is not an affair. Edited February 6, 2011 by East7
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