In order to move on or not, I'd like peoples views on my chances.

[Renard99]

I've struggled to know which area to post this in as it covers the break-up, coping and reconciliation. However, I came to the conclusion of putting it in 'Coping' as I think I already know the answer, and really need it confirmed to me for me to be able to cope.

 

Anyway, here goes......

 

I think my relationship ended after 7 and a half years because of Grass Is Greener Syndrome (GIGS).

 

She had a sheltered upbring, divorced parents, over protective mother, very little money and very few friends. She met me at university and knew very little of the world other than her mother and me. We'd been living together for the last 3 years and money had been getting tighter and tighter as cost of living increased but our wages stayed the same. We had to stop many of our nights out and spent a lot of spare time in the house. I have to admit it was getting a little boring but we were riding the same economic storm that the rest of the world is so we stuck with it, or at least I thought.

 

Then, after a recruitment drive at work, her office got a whole load of new people that were younger than her (27), all women, and fresh out of university. She hit it off with them straight away and suddenly realised that, not only was there a world outside the relationship, but also that her sheltered early life had meant she'd missed out on a lot of things. She then, in a short space of time became distant, rejecting my signs of affection and giving out none of her own. She took up new interests with her friends and her tastes changed.

 

When I sat down with her to try and work things through all I got was "I don't think this is working anymore" and "I don't love you in the same way, more like a friend" and she had "no idea why". She then began clutching at straws to find a meaningful answer. We agreed to end it there and then as, despite me wanting to continue, she was clearly uphappy and forcing her to stay would be futile. Then, a couple of days ago she came to the conclusion that it was the whole '7 year itch' and 'GIGS' scenario. She felt like she'd not only missed out on things in life in the past, but by being in the relationship, was continuing to miss out.

 

Now, I still love her and was devastated by this news. I felt I was being left behind, unable to move, tied down by the house and bills, whilst she just walked off into the distance, unable to say anything more than "but...but...but....I love you". Unfortunately, we still live together (plans for us both to move out are being worked on but can't go any faster) making it hard for me but I still held out hope that maybe things could be worked out. Then yesterday, she changed her tune on the reason for the break up, now saying that we simply weren't compatible and that "we're two different people now". This, combined with the fact that she's already living the single life with her friends, already seems more happy and bouncey than I've seen her in about a year and has already started treating me comfortably as a friend, has virtually shattered my hopes for reconciliation.

 

Now, my question, and I apologise because it's certainly been asked countless times, is this... Does anyone think there is a chance for reconciliation?

 

I'm coming at this from a purely 'coping' point of view. I don't think there is a chance because she seems to be validating all her own reasons for the break up. I'm perfectly prepared to try to move on but this is one of those scenarios where you think you know what the right answer is but until someone tells you that what you're thinking is correct or incorrect, you doubt yourself and I think that being in this forget her/fight for her limbo is hold me back.

 

(sorry it was a long one)

 

Thanks

 

Renard

[is2008]

well my ex is an ex-southampton girl now moved abroad. your story sounds pretty similar where she feels as though she's missed out on life, and seemingly in a GIGS situation... must be a southampton girl thing!

 

i think when people are in this GIGS mode, their perceptions about the relationship change. if i were you, i'd let it go for now, it may take her ages to finally come round and realise the grass isn't quite as green.

 

there's no point in putting your life on hold, and by keeping in touch with her, you're prolonging your pain and she's getting the best of both worlds.

 

i think the sooner you manage to move out and move on, the better for you. there's no point in holding onto someone that isn't prepared to give their all.

 

i still love mine to bits but i've come to realise she just didn't treat me good.

 

good luck.

[Renard99]

Forgot to add that she's making it double hard to move on as, now that she's leading 'her new life' she's becoming even more like the person I'd like to love.

 

For example, when were together I always would have liked to have gone swimming with her (I'm an ex competitive swimmer) but she never wanted to... but now we've broken up.. she's been swimming twice and has plans to go every week. I also wanted to go to soccer matches, and whilst she came, she always did so under protest. Now, her borother's asked her if she wants to go to a few games and she's jumped at the chance and hopes to go to more in the future!

 

Makes me wonder if it was me that was the problem after all

[Renard99]

Thanks is2008

 

I agree there's little point hanging around as her 'experiencing life' could continue for years. Most of us do it in the late teens/early twenties but she's only just starting in her later twenties so she's got quite a few years to catch up on.

 

It's the way I was mentally leaning but was finding it hard to accept, just needed it told to me.

 

Thanks again

[is2008]

my relationship was also around that length. officially 6 years, unofficially a bit more. i just think some girls aren't ready for the commitment, however there's only so much of "living life" one can do before it gets boring.

 

the freedom is intoxicating initially, nobody to answer to, nobody to think about, but after a while it becomes boring... "what now?"

 

lets hope by the time our ex's reach the "what now?" phase, we're happy with someone new. nobody deserves to be treated as second best and for the past year, that's all i've felt.

 

chin up buddy.

[SimonSerenade]

I'm sorry to hear your story, Never knew this kind of stuff happened so often until I came on this site but at least you have a lot of people going through the same who can listen and attempt to help you.

 

I think she may just have a case of g.i.g.s, Happened to me, My ex was 20, We had a child, Was together 3 years, Things were great till she moved in with me, I think that's when things went a bit down hill, Almost like she resented me for the pressure of living expenses, Some people don't grow up and just can't handle that sort of pressure, My ex's up bringing was quite the opposite of your ex's, She was raised by both her mum and dad but unfortunately they spoiled her and smothered her with attention, I was her first for everything so it's not so much of a shock that she looks around at everyone else and thinks "what if".

 

I think the sooner you move out and go no contact the better, How can she miss what she had when your always there and you act like everything's just fine with the way she's being?, If things are meant to work out then they will, If she never turns around then it don't matter after all, It'll be her regret and her loss, Not yours, Improve yourself and let her know she can't have it both ways any more, I'd say your chances for reconciliation are as good as any under the circumstances that she left for a reason that in the future she won't be able to justify at all, For now you just got to play it like you don't care, You've been dealt a cruel card, Time to deal one back.

[IfiKnewThen]

OMG renard99 and is2008 you two articulate yourselves and stories so well. (to the point where i got a lot of insight myself from reading both the original post and the reply post) i am a lot older and have a much different circumstance but i learned something from the way you described your situations and the insights you had into each of them. anyway i digress.

 

renard99 i know what you mean...when you kinda say here that you want to know if you should put energy and focus into fighting to get her back or move forward on your own. and because you sound so intelligent or insightful into your situation already...i can only quote the writer Erica Jong when she says.."advise is something we ask for when we already know the answer and wish we didn't"

 

i agree with is2008, to move forward with your life. she may come around when she gets it all out of her system and thats all you can hope for but you cant wait around. so to quote myself....(lol) don't wait to live, live while you wait. (or maybe i am quoting an old friend of mine) we always used to say that. so with that in mind....live while you wait......BUT....dont let the waiting stop you or stifle you, or make you feel like you cant move forward 100%. it wont be fair to the next girl. i know you love her...but there will be a next girl...and it can be special and unique unto itself and for itself only. and it may match you more.

 

and of course she (your ex) is becoming more of the person you like to love because she is spreading her wings now and being more of who she may really be inside. but likewise as time goes on..she will seem to become..more of the person you dont like also.

[IfiKnewThen]

ps real good advise simon

[Renard99]

Thanks Simon. I know what you mean about not knowing how much this goes on but that's the beauty of this site and the great people on here. You think you're on your own but you can see here that it happens all the time and it helps to make you feel that little bit better.

 

I think the sooner you move out and go no contact the better, How can she miss what she had when your always there and you act like everything's just fine with the way she's being?

 

I wish I could just move away straight away, or even her move out first but events are conspiring against us. With her, the people she's moving in with are on holiday so she has to wait, and for me, I'm waiting on paper work for the new place!

I'm also not fine with the way she's being but, and I've told her so, but, for the sake of being civil whilst we are still under the same roof I've not taken it any further. We broke up quite amicably (because I realised that no matter how hard I tried, and I did try, I wasn't going to change her mind at that moment in time) so it's not the process of actually living together that's the problem, just my emotions.

[SimonSerenade]

OMG renard99 and is2008 you two articulate yourselves and stories so well. (to the point where i got a lot of insight myself from reading both the original post and the reply post) i am a lot older and have a much different circumstance but i learned something from the way you described your situations and the insights you had into each of them. anyway i digress.

 

renard99 i know what you mean...when you kinda say here that you want to know if you should put energy and focus into fighting to get her back or move forward on your own. and because you sound so intelligent or insightful into your situation already...i can only quote the writer Erica Jong when she says.."advise is something we ask for when we already know the answer and wish we didn't"

 

i agree with is2008, to move forward with your life. she may come around when she gets it all out of her system and thats all you can hope for but you cant wait around. so to quote myself....(lol) don't wait to live, live while you wait. (or maybe i am quoting an old friend of mine) we always used to say that. so with that in mind....live while you wait......BUT....dont let the waiting stop you or stifle you, or make you feel like you cant move forward 100%. it wont be fair to the next girl. i know you love her...but there will be a next girl...and it can be special and unique unto itself and for itself only. and it may match you more.

 

and of course she (your ex) is becoming more of the person you like to love because she is spreading her wings now and being more of who she may really be inside. but likewise as time goes on..she will seem to become..more of the person you dont like also.

 

 

Also very good advice and plenty of insight in this, He has to realise that there's nothing to be done now, Her mind is made up, So long as she has that comfort in the back of her mind that he'll always be there should she change her mind then she won't be changing her mind any time soon or at all, Near enough all of my ex's have come back at some point, Pretty much all going through the dreaded peter pan syndrome, It's always been after a year or so and personally when I couldn't give a rats ass, Always happens at that point.

 

If she come's back then, Then that will be the time that will matter because if he's over her then he can have a good clear think about if he'd ever want her again, Personally I'd never ever want anybody that could leave me and put me at the bottom of the pile in there life.

 

I think people always fall more in love with the person who left because they can no longer call them there own and that makes us want them more, My ex has changed in many ways, She's a b1tch lol but hear appearance is changed in so many ways that I don't even recognise her any more, Made me want her, As swallow as that sounds, Just a shame her personality and mind are still down the toilet and without that, She just don't appeal to me any more.

[IfiKnewThen]

yep simon..that all makes sense. you have the right mindset now. and that really helps

[alimpo83]

Yes, what Simon said is true. Same boat here. The truth is our GIGS exes can be on that life for quite some time. My ex changed jobs, friends and way of living completely after we broke up. She kept her "new" friends, that always want parties and drinks and left her college friends, that liked me.

 

She changed personality, way of acting with people and such, so she's just plain immature.

 

GIGS is trash, is an excuse for immature exes to run away. It's empty, it's garbage really. They still attract us, but it's like Simon said, only on the outside. Because with a "personality" like that, we don't need them.

[Renard99]

OMG renard99 and is2008 you two articulate yourselves and stories so well.

 

Thank you

 

don't wait to live, live while you wait.

 

I like that, thank you, I'll have to keep repeating that to myself!

[Renard99]

Yes, what Simon said is true. Same boat here. The truth is our GIGS exes can be on that life for quite some time. My ex changed jobs, friends and way of living completely after we broke up. She kept her "new" friends, that always want parties and drinks and left her college friends, that liked me.

 

She changed personality, way of acting with people and such, so she's just plain immature.

 

GIGS is trash, is an excuse for immature exes to run away. It's empty, it's garbage really. They still attract us, but it's like Simon said, only on the outside. Because with a "personality" like that, we don't need them.

 

Sorry to hear your story mate. I agree that it is immature in some ways but I think, in my ex's case, that's not completely her fault, more a by product of her upbring. In some ways I'm happy for her as I know there were certain elements of her lack of 'life experience' that totally embarrassed her for fear of showing herself up infront of people. She's now overcoming this....just a shame it's without me!

 

Her upbringing did bring negative elements to the relationship and it's these that i'm trying to focus on now. For example... Her mum's way of dealing with her divorce was to make herself a busy body, which in some ways is a good thing. I've read many things about break ups that say keep busy to distract yourself. However, with her mum doing everything, my ex never had to lift a finger. Put a dirty shirt in the laundry basket and before you could blink it appeared, as if by magic, in your wardrobe all nicely pressed. Place a dirty plate on the kitchen top and it would appear clean and in the cupboard soon after. My ex carried this mentality over to our relationship and it annoyed the hell out of me!

[IfiKnewThen]

once again ...a lot of insight...

 

yes, because you love her so much...you DO feel happy for her to get to experience things. but its true what you said. you want her to be doing things with you (and wanting to) and for you to be doing things with you.

 

i felt this way and was so sad..because i knew i blew my chance with this. its a very painful realization. then you say to yourself, did i do all i could to make her first experience a happy fulfilling memory? anyway i have felt like this before.

 

and i get what youre saying about the dishes. because she was so inexperinced and young and had things DONE for her...things came up in the dialog with you (probably) because this was annoying to you. and so these kinds of things got in the way of a better relationship. it WILL probably happen (eventually) where she will do more things for herself ..including the dishes...(example) and then that wont be an issue for someone else.

 

its not easy being someones first...in a sense... because what they learn, and when they grow...gets experienced in the next relationship. anyway...

 

the bottom line is we have to put our best foot forward in all relationships. this way we wont regret after wards, what transpired. but we are all human and usually see more clearly after the fact. she will see too where things she did could have gotten on your nerves too. but it may not be for a long time. who knows.

[IfiKnewThen]

typo: and for you to be doing things with you.

 

correction: and for you to be doing things with her

[SimonSerenade]

Sorry to hear your story mate. I agree that it is immature in some ways but I think, in my ex's case, that's not completely her fault, more a by product of her upbring. In some ways I'm happy for her as I know there were certain elements of her lack of 'life experience' that totally embarrassed her for fear of showing herself up infront of people. She's now overcoming this....just a shame it's without me!

 

Her upbringing did bring negative elements to the relationship and it's these that i'm trying to focus on now. For example... Her mum's way of dealing with her divorce was to make herself a busy body, which in some ways is a good thing. I've read many things about break ups that say keep busy to distract yourself. However, with her mum doing everything, my ex never had to lift a finger. Put a dirty shirt in the laundry basket and before you could blink it appeared, as if by magic, in your wardrobe all nicely pressed. Place a dirty plate on the kitchen top and it would appear clean and in the cupboard soon after. My ex carried this mentality over to our relationship and it annoyed the hell out of me!

 

That's a good outlook on things, At least you analysed this and made some sense out of it, Most of us just sit there for months on end in pity blaming ourselves when in truth it's quite the opposite because from the sound of things there are many people on here who would of stood by there partner and made a real good full on attempt at working things out.

 

You have to stop making excuses for her though, I feel for people with a bad up bringing, My ex had a pretty decent one despite her daddy issues, Her favourite phrase was "I'm not going to end up like my mum and dad!", Her mum does everything for her and our son so it's no wonder she'll never stand on her own two feet, Her brother never did and he's a 35 year old wes brown look a like, Fact is she can't use her up bringing as an excuse to completely mess up her life and get away with it, My up bringing weren't exactly fabulous but I'd never use it as an excuse when things go down the toilet.

 

It's a shame she chose to live her life without you but there's living life and then there's being a complete idiot and believe me, She's an idiot and this will one day come back and bite her in the bottom, No worries about that.

[Renard99]

Well....

 

It's all change today on my feelings for my ex...

 

We bank with the same bank and received our account statements in the post yesterday. They come in identical envelopes and, going to do my personal budget for this month, I just grabbed an envelope out of my peripheral vision and opened it. I began reading only to find out it wasn't mine, but by then it was too late, I'd seen it all.

 

We have it so that we have our own personal accounts, in which we get to keep £100, the rest of our wages are transfered to the shared 'joint' account. That £100 left in the personal accounts is for us to do what we want with, CDs, DVDs, clothes etc etc. The rest in the joint account was for rent, bills, food etc.

 

Now, the allowance worked that you only kept £100, so if you were -£30 at the end of the previous month, you'd only have £70 that month. Now, having seen my ex's account I can see that for the last few months, she's been about -£80 at the end of each month, and then not only that, she's been leaving £150 in her personal account the next month so she's been about £130 better off than she should be!

 

This has ****ed me off big time. I can see she's been using this extra money to fund her social life whilst she continues to buy the CDs and things. All this while I sat at home, telling my buddies that I couldn't go out as money was tight. And, on top of that there's her saying that we never do anything together and I'm now boring, when in fact, if we had that extra £130 pounds in th account each month we'd have been able to go out for a meal or two, or go to the cinema multiple times, or even booked a hotel somewhere for a romantic weekend. She's betrayed my trust when I came to money and she's put her social life above that of our love life. I've been wasting my time for at least three months, whilst I agonised over the budget and made sure I could stay in a house with the one I love, yet she was bringing it down from the inside without me realising.

 

I hate her so much right now.

 

The thing is, do I tell her I know when she comes back (she's out scouting out new accomodation) or, for the sake of keeping it civil and on good terms whilst we are forced to live together for another week or two, do I keep quiet?

[is2008]

You don't owe her any respect, she broke up with you so bring it up. If it's affecting your finances because she isn't contributing give her a mouthful!!!

[Renard99]

Well, It's no longer affecting my finances because we've split everything back out, It just did so for the last 3 months of the relationship.

 

Just worried that bringing it up would rock the boat too much. She's literally just come back in and, having sorted stuff out, has a moving date of the 23rd. Got quite a few days left to live with any repercussions of telling her now. I'm thinking of my mental health really. Part of me really wants to hammer it home to her, show much it hurts, but the other half of me wants to keep my head down, focus on me and let the 23rd roll around with as little upset as possible.

 

She's come straight in and started packing. It seems even more real now which is hard. I want her to go but seeing her pack is heartbreaking and I wish she wasn't.

 

My emotions are all over the place, just when I thought i'd had them in perspective.

[IfiKnewThen]

i know you had a plan you agreed to. i know you feel betrayed. although it sounded good and practical for all purposes...it could seem stringent too.

 

maybe she wanted to do something outside the box. not saying leave you or cheat. but not have to be so accountable for her actions. she could have (being young and inexperienced) view this as parental rules.

[Renard99]

i know you had a plan you agreed to. i know you feel betrayed. although it sounded good and practical for all purposes...it could seem stringent too.

 

maybe she wanted to do something outside the box. not saying leave you or cheat. but not have to be so accountable for her actions. she could have (being young and inexperienced) view this as parental rules.

 

I can see what your saying and probably agree, she always enjoyed breaking away from her mum when she was with me, and of course now breaking away from me. It's that whole thing of when someone says don't look down you want to. However, to complain that things had gone stale, when she was the one 'stealing' the money we would have spent on 'dates' is a little hard to take.

[IfiKnewThen]

yeah that makes sense. if your hands are tied with going out and getting out of the rut and routine of life because the financial resources arent there, it doesnt help matters that's for sure.