Kissbang Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Why is it that if a guy shows interest in you first and then you show interest in him too he freaks out and backs off, and the minute you start acting like a cold-hearted bitch and cool, he's trying to make contact with you again? obviously reffering to my personal case here, but... I think it is mostly relevant to many other cases too. Is this just human nature? the fear of COMMITMENT? or maybe there's something more to it? What do you think?
january2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 If you haven't done so already, I suggest having a look at Woggle's recent thread which has a link to research that suggests that men are looking for commitment. I'd be interested to know what made you consider that evolution and human nature are involved. I'm not disputing that they are or aren't involved. Just interested in how you made the link yourself. For example, have you had similar experiences with many different guys to suggest that there's a pattern somewhere?
Author Kissbang Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 (edited) If you haven't done so already, I suggest having a look at Woggle's recent thread which has a link to research that suggests that men are looking for commitment. I'd be interested to know what made you consider that evolution and human nature are involved. I'm not disputing that they are or aren't involved. Just interested in how you made the link yourself. For example, have you had similar experiences with many different guys to suggest that there's a pattern somewhere? Well, I've linked them by some things I've heard and opinions of some guy friends of mine. And most of all, by google-ing stuff.... Was just wondering, that's all.. would love reading that research's results! Edited February 4, 2011 by Kissbang
january2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Was just wondering, that's all.. would love reading that research's results! It's in the current forum (Dating) about six threads down. Here's the direct link: So I guess men are not the commitmentphobes we are accused of being What did your guy friends say?
Author Kissbang Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 Thanks, read it. Somewhat, guys in my country always claim to want to commit, but in the moment of truth.... yaikes! cold feet. So it's one thing answering survies and another taking action.
zengirl Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 It's not biological. Just a subset of men who are conditioned and choose to behave in a certain manner; maybe investigate why you seem to be attracted to that type.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Can we not just jump to conclusions and blame the men here? I know that's what you'd prefer Zengirl, but the OP could easily be coming on way too hard.
zengirl Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Can we not just jump to conclusions and blame the men here? I know that's what you'd prefer Zengirl, but the OP could easily be coming on way too hard. There's no evidence that she is. And she's saying these guys dig it when she acts like a bitch. Anyone who wants someone to treat them badly, male or female, is crap. I don't blame men. I blame men who behave badly or are crap. If you read the bulk of my posts, you'll see I criticize men and women alike (including male and female posters on LS) when I find their attitudes or behaviors distasteful or unproductive.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 And there's no evidence that she is not. Maybe she's just a bitch? Why would she treat them with the demeanor similar to that of a "cold hearted bitch" anyways? What sense does that make?
zengirl Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 And there's no evidence that she is not. Maybe she's just a bitch? Why would she treat them with the demeanor similar to that of a "cold hearted bitch" anyways? What sense does that make? You seem to have a very limited view of human relationships. She's said that when she shows interest, acts keen, and wants to be with these guys, they run. When she acts like a bitch, somehow they rubberband back. This does happen with a specific subset of men (and, frankly, women, but that's not relative to this OP) and it's pretty common knowledge that it happens. There's no reason to attack the OP, or criticize imagined faults, for asking about basic human behavior and why it happens. She clearly doesn't want to treat men like a bitch, or else she just would and wouldn't see a problem with it or a need to ask this question, and she'd get what she wants. Your conclusions all seem very flawed, logically.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 You seem to have a very limited view of human relationships. She's said that when she shows interest, acts keen, and wants to be with these guys, they run. When she acts like a bitch, somehow they rubberband back. This does happen with a specific subset of men (and, frankly, women, but that's not relative to this OP) and it's pretty common knowledge that it happens. There's no reason to attack the OP, or criticize imagined faults, for asking about basic human behavior and why it happens. She clearly doesn't want to treat men like a bitch, or else she just would and wouldn't see a problem with it or a need to ask this question, and she'd get what she wants. Your conclusions all seem very flawed, logically. Not attacking her, just some food for thought. The only reason I can see a male running away from a woman who he's initially attracted to ONCE she shows interest is because she either came on too hard, or they're commitment phobes and they just want some ass.
Author Kissbang Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 (edited) You seem to have a very limited view of human relationships. She's said that when she shows interest, acts keen, and wants to be with these guys, they run. When she acts like a bitch, somehow they rubberband back. This does happen with a specific subset of men (and, frankly, women, but that's not relative to this OP) and it's pretty common knowledge that it happens. There's no reason to attack the OP, or criticize imagined faults, for asking about basic human behavior and why it happens. She clearly doesn't want to treat men like a bitch, or else she just would and wouldn't see a problem with it or a need to ask this question, and she'd get what she wants. Your conclusions all seem very flawed, logically. Zengirl just hit the spot. nothing more I can say. And Ay Diesel T, maybe you do have a point too! but that's something I'll probably never know.. And why am I attracted to these... "emotionally crippled" guys? well.. dunno, maybe the fact that my self esteem is as low as a bush has something to do with it Edited February 4, 2011 by Kissbang
Mrlonelyone Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 It's not human nature it's our culture. To the point of the OP. The first thing to know is that living paired off in monagamous relationships is not the natural way human beings evolved to live. For millions of years we lived in tribes, bands of related families and were nomadic. Life was short and hard...if you made it to 30 you were elderly. So marriage for 20 years to raise a child was not in the cards. It was all about survival of the fittest, tribe (as opposed to the fittest individual person.) In this environment there was not much room for playing games. Women would have children by a variety of the tribes males, and the tribe as a whole would help raise all of the children cooperatively. Even while men and women might pair off and be "married" in that age if everyone's related, and has a family resemblance, who knows who a childs father is? In that environment the male who had the most kids was the one who was most intelligent, and strategic and who could get the most other people to follow him. He was the one with political power, weather he himself was big and strong or not...."The Chief" or Alpha male. The second male was often a spiritual leader of some sort. Parallel to this it was not uncommon for women to hold a good amount of power. Since in such an environment who your father was could be uncertain, but who your mother was was certain. Why do we play games? I have a few hypotheses on this. In the developed world we live in an environment with no significant natural hazards to test the fitness of potential mates. Yet we still want to test their fitness so we invented the games we now play. All humans want to avoid hurt feelings and games are played inorder to avoid having our feelings hurt. We play games, playing it cool and all of that, because that's what our mass media has told us to do. In the past, in recent memory, the mass media glorified a romantic ideal that we would find "creepy" now. Since the sexual revolution we now favor a degree of duplicitousness in our courtship..."keeping options open" etc.
somedude81 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Why is it that if a guy shows interest in you first and then you show interest in him too he freaks out and backs off, and the minute you start acting like a cold-hearted bitch and cool, he's trying to make contact with you again? Whose the one playing games?
fishtaco Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Mrlonelyone - great post. It's just our culture. My reason for playing games or just dating behavior in general, is not really due to mass media or whatever. I was taught to do so by my past interactions with women. No one taught me what to do. Women from my past are my role models, because they are my most powerful and relevant source of information. I'm sure those women were in turn, taught by their past interactions with men. Everyone have a how-i-became-a-villain story, I'm not unique by any stretch of the imagination. Whose the one playing games? Actually I'd give her a nod. That's one basic yet effective way to increase attraction when the other person isn't reciprocating. Don't knock it till you try it. It works on women too. It even has a chance to works on people that are expecting it. Although as for men, my recommendation is to never fall into the jerk behavior. You want to reach disinterested and don't care, but not anything negative. I think women can get away with being a cold hearted bitch, I don't know since I don't know how to date men. Although I wouldn't recommend it unless you have the nice rack to back it up.
musemaj11 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Why is it that if a guy shows interest in you first and then you show interest in him too he freaks out and backs off, and the minute you start acting like a cold-hearted bitch and cool, he's trying to make contact with you again? obviously reffering to my personal case here, but... I think it is mostly relevant to many other cases too. Is this just human nature? the fear of COMMITMENT? or maybe there's something more to it? What do you think? U r talking about immature boys. Immatures boys r not men. They are like dogs who like to chase a moving car. Dogs don't chase after a car because they want the car. They just like to chase it.
Author Kissbang Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 Well, at least I've stopped playing games. Now I know that all this guy wanted was to get me in the sack. Just sex and nothing beyond. Good to know anyway, now I can stop wondering...
Mrlonelyone Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Mrlonelyone - great post. It's just our culture. My reason for playing games or just dating behavior in general, is not really due to mass media or whatever. I was taught to do so by my past interactions with women. No one taught me what to do. Women from my past are my role models, because they are my most powerful and relevant source of information. I'm sure those women were in turn, taught by their past interactions with men. Everyone have a how-i-became-a-villain story, I'm not unique by any stretch of the imagination. So you play games because you want to protect your own feelings from being hurt? However does the mass media not project certain images of what is and is not aceeptable? Consider this case. Characters on the Adult cartoon "King of the Hill". Dale Gribble : A pale pasty guy with a gorgeous wife. His wife has one son that does not look a think like him. He has darker skin, and American Indian features. John Redcorn: A tall dark handsome American Indian healer who "massages" dales's wife. Everyone in town but dale and his son know Redcorn is the real father. What message is our mass media sending with an image like that? There are dozens of examples. (i.e. consider Steve Urkel. He loves Laura and tells her that all the time... Yet Laura chooses one looser after another who just hurts her feelings....yet Steve is the one we're supposed to think is pitiful.... even when he has a much better looking GF too.) The honest and forthright are made too look like loosers and fools. The mass media teaches all of us values long before we ever have a date. It teaches us what to like or not like, who to date or not date. This is nerdy, that is cool, this is stalkerish, that is cute,...
fishtaco Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 However does the mass media not project certain images of what is and is not aceeptable? Actually you're right. I'm affected by mass media one way or another, even though I don't look to it to search for answers. I am affect by it, just by being bombarded, and indirectly by other people's actions, which may be affect by media as well. So my how-I-became-a-villain story now consists of mass media and the women in my past.
dispatch3d Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 'dsdflkjadfajsdf;lkajsfd I agree with that dude earlier. Maybe you are coming on too strong? Maybe you are hitting on them in ways that show interest but don't really do anything to progress the relationship (this would be my guess). Meaning saying something "I like you" or "you are hot" doesn't actually do **** if it's through a text message or over the phone or yadayada. The things that actually count are (1) hanging out (this means talking and sharing ideas) (2) physical intimacy. Anything outside of these two aren't progress. God talk of that article and society are just incredibly frustrating to me. Look stop blaming everyone but yourself. If you **** up constantly, then you are ****ing up, not society or men. Also that study is the worst peice of **** I've ever seen . Well it's not that bad. But I read the start, and noticed the author treating 25-50 year olds the same and thought "wow that is dumb". The reason 40+ year olds don't want to marry may be because THEY HAD A FAILED MARRIAGE not because of ****ing societal changes. Yeah, sure you may think it's societal changes if before you did the study you thought "hummm I wonder if societal changes has caused x". And then they say "it's nice to see data backing up my suspicions". Lol that's just evidence that the study was done to conclude something like that, when in actual fact this is far from cause-> effect and the reasoning is awful. If she wanted to compare the attitudes of 20 year olds today to the attitudes of 20 year olds 10 years ago, she would have to test the 20 year olds 10 years ago, then test the 20 year olds today, and see if they responded differently. There is literally no other semireliable way to do it, as people's views of past events (ie. people in their 30's view their 20's differently than they actually happened/were/etc.etc.) change.
zengirl Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 dispactch, additional studies show that divorced people are more likely to desire re-marriage after age 40 than perpetually single people are to desire marriage after age 40. In fact, divorced men in particular almost always want to get re-married. It's an interesting phenomenon.
EasyHeart Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 dispactch, additional studies show that divorced people are more likely to desire re-marriage after age 40 than perpetually single people are to desire marriage after age 40. In fact, divorced men in particular almost always want to get re-married. It's an interesting phenomenon.This is consistent with my completely unscientific observation of divorced men. The ones who are most eager to re-marry are men who had (what I'll call) caretaker wives -- women who took on most of the responsibilities of the relationship and also running their homes and families. These men got a huge boon from marriage, so it's no surprise that they want it back. Of course, what they don't seem to realize is that their marriage failed for that very reason -- they weren't willing to put much into it.
zengirl Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 This is consistent with my completely unscientific observation of divorced men. The ones who are most eager to re-marry are men who had (what I'll call) caretaker wives -- women who took on most of the responsibilities of the relationship and also running their homes and families. These men got a huge boon from marriage, so it's no surprise that they want it back. Of course, what they don't seem to realize is that their marriage failed for that very reason -- they weren't willing to put much into it. Right, I'm not saying the new marriages will fare any better. Just that a failed marriage does not seem to dissuade most people---especially men----from another marriage. I understand why people think it would, but it's one of those funny things.
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