I dumped my ex, made a massive mistake. How can i get her back?

[ConfusedGuy23]

Thanks Gator, and thanks everyone for continued advice.

 

I have been in NC for a few weeks now and its going okay. I have been keeping myself busy etc. I feel like im ready for low contact and seeing how she is doing? Would be a be a good idea just to check in some time soon and see how she is going? I must admit it doesnt hurt me anymore that she is dating someone new, good on her I say. Quite frankly i want to start Low contact to see if she will agree for a catch up where I can keep things light and funny and let her know i still care.

 

I also would at a later date when we have become a little bit more comfortable let her know why I have commitment issues, as i have never told her (anybody) about an incident that made me fear committing. I could not tell her this before because i feel it would have influenced her decision on marriage if i ever asked her that question. Which i was strongly considering. So thats why i kept it to myself.

 

Basically the story is: I was gonna ask a previous gf (6 and half years ago) to marry me, i let her best friend know this and help me pick out a ring sometime soon. 3 weeks later the girl broke up with me. So she obviously got wind of the impending proposal and decided to break it off. I went through heaps of hurt. As i said the reason I never told my ex gf that i recently broke up with this story, is that I did not want it to influence her decision if i ever asked her to marry me. Which i was strongly considering. I guess this is where my freak out started! I felt the pain come rushing back from that previous knock back and let it influence me negatively. I pulled away to protect myself. The funny thing is I know my ex that i dumped recently more than likely would have said yes if asked her to marry me.

 

Now i believe after losing my ex, its far more scary to have her gone for good than commitment ever was to me. So i really want to tell her this but im not sure how and im not sure when.

 

Advice guys? Im really still in love with her and i miss her very much.

Edited February 9, 2011 by ConfusedGuy23

[ruloog]

When I first knew about NC (thanks to this forum) my only purpose of it was to make her miss me. I was totally wrong, NC is a great tool if used correctly. Are you doing NC? Then heal yourself and move on. Do you still want to be with her? Then go fight and never give up. You may end worse, with a heart broken in a thousand pieces, but what else? Losing her without trying or lose her knowing you did whatever you could?

 

Go and make her fall again: make someone give her a flower without her knowing who it was from, hang out with her, make her know she can enjoy being with you, make her remember why she actually fell for you for the first time. Act C&F, work out, buy some new clothes, change your appereance. Whichever the output life has for both of you, it will benefit in the long run: either you end up together once again or you walk away knowing you did your best, with a new attitude and even greater self-esteem.

 

Good luck!

[ConfusedGuy23]

How come i can never get her off my mind? Im keeping busy, going out with friends, working alot. But she is always there, always. This cannot be a case of wanting what i cant have. I have dated girls before and not given it a second thought when we have broken up. But this time I feel like I might have made a decision that alters my life in a bad way forever. But Im not the victim here, whatever im feeling now she was feeling worse when i made the decision.

 

So torn between fighting for her and letting her know how far i will go to make it right between us or just sticking to no contact and letting her be. This is really unlike anything I have ever been through.

 

I was so close to texting her today but decided to rant on here instead. Im still unsure whether to send her a text sometime soon asking her to catch up. I think asking her out for a coffee and a chat just so we keep the lines of communication open at this stage would be better than sending that grand gesture.

[ConfusedGuy23]

So its the first Valentines day in 5 years that i wont be doing anything for her. Feels so weird. I almost texted her this morning but luckily did not.

 

Its been 3 weeks today no contact and ive been feeling heaps better this week as opposed to the last few. I have been able to get back to my laughing self and have met up with a few girls for a few drinks etc. Yeah that makes me feel okay, but no matter how great the girls seem to be I just revert back to thinking about the ex.

 

In the last week I realised I had a massive case of the "Grass is greener" syndrome, coupled with the previously mentioned commitment scare. What I would do to turn back the clock and just work through the problems with her. Everyday that Im in no contact im still thinking about her, its not as painful, but I feel like my chances at a reconciliation are dwindling. Does anybody else feel that way? Like the more you leave them alone, the more chance it gives them to forget about you and move on?

[D78]

ConfusedGuy23,

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong. I'm wrong all the time, so it won't be any big deal.

 

I read through all of this thread, and I certainly respect the fact that YOU want your ex back, YOU realize you made a mistake, etc. YOU would not forgive yourself if you didn't fight for the relationship. YOU YOU YOU

 

You did actually mention her at one point when you said that SHE WAS DOING WHAT WAS IN HER BEST INTEREST by dating another guy.

 

So, instead of chalking up YOUR mistake to experience and learning from it, you have decided to do what is NOT IN HER BEST INTEREST to get your relationship back (I don't need to remind you that YOU WERE THE ONE WHO BROKE UP THE RELATIONSHIP).

 

I was shocked by all the "I, me, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, me, etc. I read in your posts. The only 'she, her, etc.' were to explain that she was doing the right thing for her by moving on.

 

And, you're somehow convinced that you're doing her a favor by coming back to her? THERE IS MORE TO A RELATIONSHIP THAN WHAT SHE DOES FOR YOU.

 

I know this post is fairly presumptuous, as you can't possibly cram all of the details of what was surely a meaningful and complicated relationship into a post on a message board. I get it.

 

So, if you can list many reasons why you being back in her life will be in her best interest, please let me know and I will gladly retract my comments. If not, please leave her be so she can move on to someone who has a better idea of what he wants.

[TheKnife]

Hey ConfusedGuy,

 

I don't agree with D78. I think it's hard to tell your story on a board like this without describing it through your eyes and how it is impacting you. You sound very thoughtful to me. I respect you for the introspection that you've been doing. It sounds like you pushed the pain of the "ex-ex" breaking up with you when you were ready to propose down deep inside and never let yourself fully feel it. So this time, please make sure to feel the pain. I know you probably are, but I'm saying this because you don't want the pain of this breakup to pop up at an inopportune time in your future.

 

You are doing the right thing by staying away and staying in NC. I know your instincts are to do the exact opposite to try to win her back and stay in contact with her, but when you are hurting your instincts usually cannot be trusted. All you see is your pain and need and you don't see the big picture consequences.

 

While you fear that NC will cause her to forget you, I think it will do the exact opposite. I mean, she already knows that you love her and that you want her back. Even though you originally broke up with her, you are the dumpee now and you must act like it. You are the one who wants the relationship back and she doesn't. She has the power and you don't.

 

People here are right when they tell you that any gestures or checking in with her just let her know that you are there waiting for her will do more damage than anything else. I don't think she's a bad person or doing anything wrong, but with her being human and all, knowing that she's got a new guy and an old guy pining after her gives her security that you don't want to give her. She'd know that she can take her time with the new guy and turn to you if she needs support or reassurance that you are still there, waiting for her. By letting her go into the new relationship with you there as a safety net you will actually increase the chances that her new relationship will work out. She will wean herself off of you. You'll be there, waiting and putting your life on hold and you will be shattered.

 

Let's compare that with what happens when you stay NC - for awhile, she'll be happy. She got what she wanted in that you want her back and she can use her new relationship to feel better. She is probably happy now. However, if you stay in NC, little by little she'll begin wondering what you are up to. As time goes on, the worst case scenarios will creep into her mind - she'll start wondering if you're still out there, if you still want her, or maybe you've moved on to someone new. She may reach out to you at this point, but it is important that you do not let her know that you are still waiting for her. And really, don't wait for her. Live your life. Don't drag another girl into this mess (knowing that your heart is with your ex), but pick up some hobbies, work out, be the best person that you can be. As you're improving yourself, she's going to start to remember the good things about your relationship. She's going to begin comparing the new guy to you. Remember that she hasn't fully healed yet, so the new guy is going to come up short. Her memories of you are going to win out.

 

Stick with what you are doing and do not contact her. You want her wondering about you, about whether you still care, about whether you've found someone new. You want her to panic about whether her opportunity to get back with you is gone. Do not worry about whether your not being in contact will push her toward her new boyfriend - it *will*, but that is only temporary. If you want the best shot in the long term at getting her back, you have to move on.

 

If you do this, I'm pretty sure she'll be back around in a few months. I can't guarantee it, but after your history with her I think you've got a really good shot so please have confidence that you are doing the right thing.

Edited February 14, 2011 by TheKnife

[ConfusedGuy23]

Thanks D78 and TheKnife for the input. It is much appreciated.

 

D78, the post by theknife pretty much sums it up. Its not all about me but as this is a forum where im spilling all my thoughts out of course it will seem like im being very individualistic with my thinking. When in real life that is not the case at all, if i didnt care for what she is going through and i didnt respect her wish for a bit of space right now i would not be giving it to her like I am.

 

As for the points of her being better off with me and what it would do for her if we were back together. Well i know deep down we still love each other (she has said so) so being back together at some point really is the ultimate situation for us both i believe. Its where we both can be truly happy, because even though i respect the fact that she is dating someone else, all power to her, i know she cant fully commit herself to that guy if she still has feelings for me. Which makes that relationship doomed from the get go. But again, i could be wrong about that.

 

 

TheKnife, thanks mate. That is some really helpful insight you have given there. As for the 'ex-ex' It definitely took me a few years to get over her, and to be honest i was still getting over her when i met the recent ex. I have 100% moved on from the pain of her now, its just that marriage and commitment thing raised its head and i freaked out big time. Like i said before its so weird because I know even though we were heading down that path and she would have said yes if i asked her, i still got scared and pulled away. Silly i know, but i have now learned my lesson from it.

 

You are correct, she has the power now, and even though she is the sweetest girl in the world and would not hurt a fly. A part of her has to be liking the fact that she has that power over me at the moment. Sometimes I get negative and think she said all the things she said about still being in love with me and wanting to give it a shot when she is ready to 'get back' at me so to speak. I do not want to think that way, and I do trust her word, but a slight part of her has to be reveling in that for sure.

 

Im slowly getting better at the no contact thing, I have been feeling a tonne better this week compared to the last few. Sleep has definitely been better and im keeping myself occupied with all the classic things Gym, sports, work, friends, making new friends etc. The nights are the hardest thats for sure. I guess i have to work on also forgiving myself for the mistake, we all make them, its human, I have to forgive myself before she ever can. Im not waiting for her thats for sure, already been out on a few dates with girls, its not the same but its a start.

 

My question is for yourself or anyone that can answer. I have said to her and also demonstrated through actions that whenever she feels like she wants to give us another shot i will be here. Just call me etc. How do I kind of flip that to get her to realise im not waiting around ? As the last contact we had was not the best and I came of a little hurt, jealous and insecure. Which are not traits i have ever shown before to her. She always said i had the 'biggest head' (ego and confidence in a good way, not arrogant) and she loved that about me. So how do i flip the script and demonstrate to her im not waiting and if she wants me, she needs to make the move? No contact will do that to an extent i presume. But since we do not move in the same social circles apart from the dreaded 'facebook' how can i demonstrate that? If at all that is.

 

Cheers for the insight, looking forward to more as im learning a lot about myself and feeling like im a better person for it.

[ConfusedGuy23]

Bump, having a bad day. If anyone can add any more advice or input i could sure need it today. Coming up a month of no-contact, feels like heaps longer. And im still unsure whether to try and win her back or just let it be. So difficult

[Miss_G]

This is a similar situation to me and ex. I split up with him after months of arguing. I had done this before and he had always chased. He got it into his head that I just wanted him to grovel. I never. I just felt like things were so bad that I wanted out but within a week or so missed him and we drifted back together.

However, this time was different and when I tried to get back he didn't want to anymore. He said he had been unhappy for a long time and wanted space on his own. Like you, we kept in contact and even tried to work things through by going on dates. Nothing ever came of it and he maintains now that he does not want to try or anything. He is done. (Although, he may be mellowing, read my post if you like!)

So I too am feeling the pain of a huge mistake on my behalf. My son now has a torn family through me being a little 'over dramatic'.

In terms of you, some of what he has said to me may be helpful. Your ex is obviously feeling hurt. By 'hurt' she means two things; 1. Hurt by the feeling of losing you, similar to what you are feeling now and 2. Hurt in terms of pride and being dumped. When you love and trust someone and they walked from you they affectively walk all over your self-confident and pride in the process.

I have no doubt that your ex still loves you but if she is dating somebody else then there is little you can do AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME. That's not to say in the future. This new guy will be offering her the 'honeymoon period' were you have boundaries with one another and everything is fresh, new and exciting. If he is 'nothing serious' as she says then he is not particularly that interesting to her. He, however, hasn't had chance to hurt her yet, and you have. She will lean to him right now because he hasn't caused her any harm if that makes sense.

If he is not 'the one' for her then naturally the honeymoon phase will fade and she will begin to realise the qualities in him that she a) doesn't like or b) he doesn't possess. Naturally, we will remember qualities in YOU that she misses.

My advice to you in 'lie low' as my mum calls it. Leave on a positive note. If you have chance to speak to her again wish her luck and happiness in her new relationship and tell her to keep in touch. Stay friendly but not too friendly. Start gathering your life together, get things of interest and move on AS A PERSON. If she sees you bettering yourself she will wonder what she is missing. If you stay friendly you leave yourself open to be the 'shoulder to cry on' when things go sour with the new bloke.

I found with my ex that it was not so much OUR relationship but it was me as a person. I was bitter, angry and had little going for me in life. I was struggling to get into my career choice after having baby. Ex and his family believed I was lazy and didn't want to work.

I have, since splitting, gotten a job that will take me towards my career choice, I'm more confident and happier within myself. Ex can see how hard I am working and yet embracing motherhood and just genuinely 'getting on with things' in a positive way. He has told me recently he's proud of how I'm bettering myself and making something of myself.

You need to do the same. You need to appear happy and content IN YOURSELF. DON'T (and this is a very big don't!!!!) get yourself a rebound girl! If you meet someone who you like then take it slow. You will always look like the better person because you have been rational and not jumped head first in.

Stay strong and be positive and the likelihood is, if she is true in what she says, she will find her feelings drifting back towards you.

[imyuinny]

Hi Confusedguy,

 

To move on with the day/night try watching some TV series or something. That helped me for a while and picking up things that you enjoyed doing most the last time you met your exes. Doing things that you wanted to do for yourself helps heaps too.

 

I traveled to South East Asia and it was fun, sometimes I thought about my ex and cry but it helps to cry it out in a different country and then knowing the fact that your there/here right now and somewhat realize enjoy what life offers. Take up something again, like photography or something related to expressing yourself, it helps to get creative to vent out.

 

Moving on is hard... I'm doing that too, but so far it helps to focus on something and be happy that you made it there on your own. I know it sucks but its a good and positive recovery.

 

All the best and with much love.