I dumped my ex, made a massive mistake. How can i get her back?

[ConfusedGuy23]

Hi people. Im new to the forum so any advice would be great, as there seems to be some genuine, insightful and helpful people on here. Sorry if this is too long but i would appreciate any advice.

 

Background: Me and my ex girlfriend dated for 4 and a half years and i broke up with her 3 and a half months ago. We recently spent approx 5 months traveling together around Europe and i guess spending that amount of time together (24/7) pretty much played with my head a bit. She started to drop hints about moving in together and getting a dog, you know progressing to full on commitment down the road. I got a bit freaked out and confused why i didnt want this to happen, i started to pull away emotionally towards the end of the trip and also when we got back home. I didnt know it at the time as i was very confused as to why i was feeling this way. I panicked and made a bad decision to break up with her.

 

So after 2 months of trying to get to the bottom of why i panicked, i realized i was scared of getting in too deep, i was starting to get 2nd thoughts. Now after time to reflect on why i was scared, i realize it was not that much of a big deal, this is the girl I want to end up marrying. The fact of not being with her scares me more than commitment does.

 

When I broke up with her I said i was confused and not happy at the moment, but that i still did love her. And i meant every word of that. We kept in contact throughout the breakup until now. Every now and then we would catch up and see how each other is doing and also send a few text messages here and there. So after this time i wanted to tell her more clearly about why i broke up with her so she can better understand, and also see what the possibilities of us getting back together were as i realised i still very much loved her and missed her also. We had the best talk and cleared the air, I apologised, told her how i made a mistake and asked her if we could get back together. Talk lasted for a few hours and she said she would think about it and let me know.

 

She emailed me about 4 days later with the outline of the letter saying she needs her space to get over the hurt and resentment that I caused her. That it was not a question of whether she still loved me, she surely does. But she needs to heal so we have a best chance at a 2nd chance if it came to that. She said shes not sure how long it would take, but for right now she couldnt see it healing in the near future. She added that she has always loved me and always will and misses me everyday. I replied saying i completely understand with everything she has said and re-assured her that i will give her the space and work on commitment issues. I also added that i missed her everyday and still love her very much.

 

This is where it gets interesting: I know she had a rebound guy (i hope he's a rebound guy), she says its nothing too serious with him, just a bit of fun etc. That sucked knowing that before. What makes it worse is after a real bad day of missing her the other day, i log on to the facebook and see "ex gf (insert name here) is in a realtionship with Blah blah", the new guy.

 

I was shocked and hurt and let her now i was pretty cut at that through a text and quick call. As a result we deleted each other of FB to not hurt each other anymore.

 

 

I do still love her and really miss her, its not a jealous thing as im not that kind of person. I just miss her all the time and wish i could get her back. I want to give her the space shew has asked for and i have been. Not a call or text msg or email in 2 weeks.

 

My question is: I know this girl more than likely still loves me, what should i do with regards to contact. She is a massive romantic and I think a grand gesture would go down okay with her. I have an idea of a cd/video filled with pictures and music from our trip with little notes included throughout. Im not sure whether i should go this way or just do nothing. I feel like nothing would make her forget me, but im not sure if the cd/video would be too needy?

 

Any advice would be heaps appreciated, as im pretty low right now.

[2011]

Hi

 

It's a difficult one when you think you have made a mistake like this but you have to remember why you broke up, there must have been a reason in your mind, say that you loved her but thought you couldn't give her what she wanted so instead of prolonging and suffering and hurting you moved on. That old saying you never know what you've got until it's gone never rings truer in these situations.

 

I can't remember the exact approach her from the make up guru but I think if you are the dumper then you have to initiate a sort of low contact, every few weeks and build trust etc back up, just remind them you're there and thinking of them, but don't come across needy and insecure and show them you have, and are, making yourself a better person.

 

One thing's for sure you'll have to work to get them back and you may not be successful in doing it. You will have to invest a lot of time and a lot of emotional effort into it, just to warn you.

 

2011

[Lemontang]

Sorry dude I'm going to give you a bit of tough love on this. No point sugar coating it. Put simply she's in a relationship now, rebound or not it's still a relationship. Yes you realise you made a mistake etc...I've done this myself. But not all mistakes are forgiven and some take it harder than others. That being said move on. I know you don't want to hear that but that really is the best course of action you can do for yourself. Contacting her whilst she's seeing someone is only going to add more confusion and you telling her your hurt by it really does more damage to your dignity and self esteem and draws her closer to the other guy.

Time to go NC, when and if she's ready "she'll" let you know, not all rebounds work, but don't take solace in that either. Sorry dude to say that but this is a time now for you to focus on yourself and not another who's time is committed to someone else.

[ConfusedGuy23]

Ok thanks for the advice 2011 and Lemon,

 

I know no contact and move on is the way to go for the dumpee, but as the dumper who wants the ex back, is this the right approach to take? I feel like I should be making an effort to prove to her that I have indeed thought so long and hard over my issues and whether its worth it to get back in a relationship. I have never been so in love with someone before, i just let my fears of commitment overshadow my feelings for her. So basically should i be giving her space or just go in and try and prove to her that I am here for real this time and Im not going anywhere?

 

She has said to me when we last spoke that her heart belonged to me and deep down it still does. She says she believes we are meant to be but she just needs to heal to let the hurt and resentment fade. I do think she is in a rebound as a way to deal with the hurt of our break up. I feel like the longer i leave her to be with this new guy she will convince herself that she really loves him, lessening my chance in the future.

 

Man its just a terrible situation, I cannot stop thinking about it and what to do. I wish I could go back and slap myself when I was breaking up with her and sit down and talk with her instead.

 

Thanks for the continued advice guys.

[Lemontang]

Something I'll also throw into the ring here. Since she's now seeing someone else do you want her back more? I ask because I've experienced this same situation. I was with a girl for 9 years, even engaged and I broke up with her 3 times all by my initiation. At one stage I even had her on the back burner as a FWB, but couldn't do it as I still had unresolved feelings for her. She even said the same stuff about her heart always being mine even when she started seeing someone else.

In all honesty I was happy that she was happy but I will say my ego got hurt when she decided to see someone else since I 'finally' realised I'd let a good thing go and it's only when it's gone that I wanted it back so bad. I moved on of course as it was the only thing that really could be done, she'd been dicked about enough. As above all she's her own person and deserves to find her own happiness. This is why if anything you should accept she has her own life and choices to make, as do you.

[ConfusedGuy23]

I can see how one would want her back more now that she is seeing a new guy, it is a definately a shot to the ego. Especially when a week earlier she as saying that she needs time to heal and that she sees herself with me in the long run etc.

 

I will not argue that seeing her with a new guy makes me think she has decided to move on and forget all about me (though i doubt she has moved on after just 4 months when were were together for 4 and a half years). The fact that I was feeling like i made a mistake and wanted her back before i knew totally about the new guy makes me sure that I want her back for the right reasons and not because I want to 'own' her so to speak. I hope she doesn't think that I only want her because she is seeing someone new.

 

For a bit of background, i was her first serious relationship, and this is the first time we have broken up. I don't know if that makes any difference at all.

[Lemontang]

Once you've invested a significant amount of time in any relationship, sure it may make a difference. But in saying that you should allow her to have her own time to heal and discover what she wants. You may find unfortunately that after all is said and done she may not want to return, and you'll just have to accept that (You can't force someone to change their mind). Heck as you've seen I invested 9 years with one of my ex's and I'm thankful for the time we spent, and we're to this day good friends. But it took some time before we got to that stage.

 

Like I said I'm not going to sugar coat it for you, but rather give you a realist outcome of what may take place.

 

You've told her how you feel, now go live your life. If she chooses to one day take you up on it then if it's mean't to happen it'll happen. But in moving on you may also find someone else and she may find herself in the same situation you are now wanting what she can no longer have. What ever you do don't waste your life holding a torch that may never get used again.

[Chi townD]

Okay, as the dumper, you realized that you made a mistake. But, that's a mistake that YOU will have to live with. She's out there seeing if the grass is greener while having you in a holding pattern. She says that she loves you and yet, she's going on dates with this guy, going out and having fun, and then probably some intimacy while your at home pining away and checking your phone every so often. She's not being fair to you. She's keeping you on a string. It's up to you to cut that string or to continue to allow her to continue to cut into your heart.

 

I suggest that you realize your mistake and move on. Go COMPLETELY NC. You've already deleted on FB. Good. Now, no more phone calls, no more texting. Ignore her calls and delete her texts. Time to heal and move on.

[ConfusedGuy23]

Yeah it does suck knowing that i made the decision and that it is a massive mistake. I know it sounds defeatist but I honestly could not see myself being in another relationship with someone better than her. The doubt and commitment fear just came over me and engulfed me, I wish i could have spoke to her about it rather than break it off with her so quickly.

 

I know she is doing the right thing for her by moving on and not accepting me back at the moment, whether that will change in the future is up to her. That is the hardest part, knowing that the decision to ever try again is up to her. I have gone no contact for 2 weeks now and it sucks not having her to talk to. She has said we can email and text each other, and im not sure if i will. I would like some form of low contact with her as I miss her terribly.

 

What are your guys thoughts on the low contact, do you think its a good idea and can you regain some of the broken trust by simply letting her know you care about her well-being etc.

[Chi townD]

BAD idea....contact, even a low amount of contact will send you back to square one. Missing her, wanting her. And she will string you along too. I think another poster put this the right way. She's with this other guy and you are on a leash. When you have contact with her, she's just pulling on the leash to make sure the dog is still there. nothing more.

[ruloog]

Incredible. I'm in a situation pretty much like this one. I came back only to discover that she was already seeing another guy, even when 3 weeks prior she still told me she loved me and she wanted me back.

 

We've been through everything since I come back, we've bot cried, we made up and we had sex twice. But she ended the whole thing this week. Everyone is telling me that NC is the best approach to the problem, but just as you I can't imagine myself without knowing about her, and I certainly believe that if she doesn't hear about me she will just forget about us and she will convince herself that her new relationship (which I wish is just a rebound) is something serious.

 

I can't really tell you what is the best you can do since I'm dealing with the same feelings about the mistake I made, but I'm trying to convince my mind that I was not the one that went wrong and I did what I could so we could be together again (I did some beautiful romantic stuff since I started to visit her again).

 

A part of me is telling me to still contact her once in a while, but the other part is willing that with NC she will miss me and discover what she might've lost. As you see, myself as a whole still wants her back, but for my personal health (both physical and phsychological) I MUST move on for now. Hang out with your friends and improve yourself. If we (you) are meant to be together, life will finally arrange itself so we (you) can both be happy again.

Edited February 5, 2011 by ruloog

[ConfusedGuy23]

Thanks Chi town. Im not so sure NC totally will be the way to go. I think this would justify to herself that we fell apart for a reason and she will end up just getting closer to the new guy. Its real hard cos i do not want her to forget me. I know she wont after 4 and a half years together and me bbeing the one that did the breaking up. I mean she still says her heart belongs to me, I have got to have some kind of chance of getting her back dont I? Keep in mind i wont beg etc, just let her know i still care.

 

Ruloog, its a terrible situation isnt it? The worst part is im non stop thinking about it and i have no-one to blame but myself. I broke her heart and for what? My own fears of commitment that got a hold of me. Now my heart is broken.

 

I know what you are going through with the whole should i stay in contact thing, or should i just dip out of their lives for a while. For me, my girl was such a massive romantic (like ridiculous) that im thinking of doing something that will blow her mind and let her know that im sorry and still completely in love with her. If that doesnt work out well then i atleast know i gave it my best shot. What do you think?

[ruloog]

I know everyone will tell you different, but IMO you should give it a go. You need to know that there is a big chance that she will not take you back, but there is also a chance of going back with her and that my friend is worth a shot.

 

I did it.. I did some amazing stuff and she told me she felt flattered and I know she realized that I was serious about going back with her. Unfortunately, I'm still heading nowhere with the whole situation. As I see it, she took the other guy to heal her heart about our break-up but she conviced herself that she wanted the other guy instead of me. I hope this is not your case, and I hope that she will find out whatever she still has for you ASAP.

 

As a sidenote, I did something that I knew would push the other guy away from her... And while it did push him away, it also made her mad at me and pushed me and her away, so don't do that. Never compare yourself with the other guy, never tell her why you're better and why she should stay with you. That is something that she has to realize only by herself.

 

So, yes.. I say go for it, and I do sincerely wish you luck

[ConfusedGuy23]

Yeah I have been speaking about it with people and getting advice online aswell. And i have pretty much come to the decision that I am going to try and fight for this girl. I did mess it up and its completely my fault. She has handled everything post break up very well and maturely (except she probably could have told me she was a little more serious with this guy than 'oh hes nice, its nothing serious).

 

So what i have done is I have a made a video slideshow with all our pictures from overseas and before. As the pictures roll through i have made some comments on them, obviously some inside jokes, romantic thoughts etc. I have a few songs that play through in the background, ones that are special to us.

 

So yeah I know she a massive romantic (believes in romeo and juliet type things) and would appreciate it. I would add a little note that says 'im not pressuring you into anything, this is just to show u how much of a mistake i made and that i truly do love you and miss you and want to work through things (commitment issues) with you' Again no pressure, Im in no way directly asking her to come running back to me, but when the time is right I would love to work things out, while reminding her of the amazing times we shared. Thats the vibe of the whole slideshow.

 

For what its worth, i showed this to my parents when i stopped by their place. Up until now they didnt even know i had an emotional side really as i never show it around them and they both got pretty teary, even my dad who never shows emotion. So if it afffects them that way, i believe the ex would be pretty moved and show her Im sorry, willing to work through our/my issues and basically tell her im for real this time.

 

I definitely dont expect her to come running back and say its all okay, thats not what im looking for, although of course it would be great if it worked out that way. What i do want is just to let her know what im feeling straight from the heart as i know my ex and she would definitely appreciate that.. And also to plant that seed of when/if her rebound falls she knows my feelings have not changed.

 

I feel like i have nothing left to lose so i may as well do something grand and out there, something she would never expect from me. For what its worth, most if not all of my female friends i have spoken to say i HAVE to send it. That they would melt if their ex's did something like this for them.

 

Again im not 100% sure of doing it, i still have to weigh up the pros and cons.

 

Thoughts?

[Lemontang]

This could go one of two ways dude. It 'may' work, but it may also push her closer to the other guy. You've already made it clear to her how you feel and yes to others it may come across as sweet and all that jazz, but for the intended audience it may come across as desperate and needy. Like I said from the start I'm not going to sugar coat it so I'm not pulling any punches on the reality of this. It's just that when you drop the bomb your chances of hitting the target are small, but the chance to cause collateral damage is high. If you think pressing the button is worth all that and your sure within yourself that if it doesn't work you can accept that then bombs away. I really do hope you hit your target though, I really do.

[2011]

You really do not know the outcome of either NC or doing what you are saying you are going to do. It is very very hard in the break up period to know what they are thinking. You could hit it on the spot by doing what you are doing or you could drive her away for ever.

 

She may be confused and get angry if you try and get back with her, see the power is with her and she will put ever obstacle and do everything in her power to make you feel like a lost dog, she may be testing you but she may just be pissed off about it too and be stringing you along.

 

My GF and me were going out for about 5 months, we were really into each other and taking it slowly and she seemed really keen on me then she just went all flaky and was dropping big hints about being friends for F*** knows what reason, she probably lost interest cause I didn't listen to her (lol us guys eh but she had a lot of faults too) but I done a NC for a bit and she kept getting back to me but when I tried pressing her to go back out she flaked again. I then said look this is a waste of time I am going to move on etc she was acting very aloof at everything I said, I deleted her number, FB and strict NC in short she does not know what she wants and is a confused person, and was just playing games I thought.

 

Your ex may think you are playing games with her mind (I know you aren't), or keeping her on the back burner, I do not know, it is a very sensitive situation and one little word can tip the whole thing either over the edge or back onto dry land.

 

But in two words good luck and do not come across needy and do not put her in a position where she has to commit to anything, just let your feelings be known but not gushy and emotional and leave it with her. Leave out the I love you stuff women hate hearing that at this point.

 

But do not sit about waiting on her please, trust me you will heal but it takes time and at this moment your only purpose seems to be to get her back but this is where you can make some fatal mistakes because your emotions are out the window. I am starting to feel better after losing someone I wanted to try and go long term with and maybe settle down with, someone I really got on with just walked away and that is it but I feel much better now.

 

2011

[ruloog]

Look, everything I did just pushed her closer to the new guy. I do want to stay in contact with her but I know it will hurt as hell to know that she starts something serious with the other guy (I'm pretty sure they will). Still, this is MY situation and yours may be a completely different one, so try to do whatever is in your hands. I dated this girl for 2 years, we both lived a lot of things, including or first experiences, and now I just can't imagine myself without her. I do know it is jealousy, it is quite obvious because my mind still believes she is a part of me, but I also know that what I feel is real and that I truly regret my stupid mistake.

 

I really hope you can get back together. My best wishes.

 

PS.

I decided to go NC for now, it is the best for both. Months of suffering are coming but what else..

[WindyCityGirl]

I think the video CD should come at a later date. Perhaps when things are much better and you have reconciled. If she is unsure where things are going a nice gesture from you could go terribly wrong. Looking back on the trip may not be where she is right now since you were the one who grew distant and started acting different. For her the trip may be too painful to remember. Continue letting her know that you want her in your life. Flowers are always a pleasant suprise. Women like to be pursued especially when we are the dumpee. Give it a little more time, but not too much time. The video/CD is a great idea, but wait until she would really, really appreciate it.

[Chi townD]

Don't look at NC as a painful experience. Look at it as a time to heal and move on. There are girls out there that are looking for a guy like you. Now, the decision is if you're willing to go out there and see what the world is about or are you willing to stay on that leash.

[ConfusedGuy23]

Thanks for all the advice and support people. It means so much at this terrible time.

 

I definitely can understand the benefits of no contact for me to heal and for her to miss me etc. What i think would happen if i went no contact from here on out is she would just forget me and chalk it up as a loss and move on. Especially with a rebound guy in the picture, she would just devote all her time to him and not really think about me.

 

So in essence I have decided that I could not live with myself if i didnt give this a shot. If i was the one that got dumped i definitely would have gone no contact from the start and not do all the wussy things as I know that would turn the dumper off. Do you think it makes a difference that i dumped her and therefore 'trying to win her back' by showing her I actually do care and making the effort to show her how much, lessens the 'neediness' so to speak. Also when we were together she was always asking me to do something romantic and grand, she just eats that stuff up so even though i know the dynamic is different now, i feel that has to work in my favour somewhat.

 

I will make sure i do not put her in a position to make a decision or commit to anything. I will add a note with it that explains this. That i simply want her to know how much i have missed her, that i made a massive mistake, one that will not happen again if we are lucky to connect again. Putting no pressure on her but also reminding her of how good we were and can be again now that im ready to deal with my issues with her, it would atleast make her think about me for the future, whenever that is.

 

I wont expect anything back from her, in actuality to begin with i expect her to say something along the lines of 'thank you very much for the video but i still need time etc'. I feel like the video would work when she starts to think about me 'that' way again and starts to miss me. So i guess its more for the future rather than the right now.

 

I dunno thats my thoughts on things, It may very well backfire, but i feel like i have to hit a home run as I know i crushed her pride and heart, so I have to put myself out there and be willing to risk it all for her. Although ive come to the decision to send it, im not sure when. Im thinking before valentines day so she doesnt think im doing it just cause its that day. And also if her new guy decides to do something nice it wont top this i hope haha. A part of me thinks that sending it then may be too soon.

 

Love hey? Its such a bitch sometimes! But all the pain is worth it in the end no matters what happens. Its why we live and breathe.

[Chi townD]

If you continue the road you want to travel down, well, no one here can stop you. All we can do is give you advice. I just wish you luck on all the pain you are about to endure.

[0hpenelope]

I'm always amazed to see dumpers regretting their break-up. I know it happens, but to actually see a dumper express it is just amazing to me. Being broken up with just feels so final, that's why.

 

Good luck! I hope things work out for you, OP. I have nothing else to add to your dilemma. I just wanted to express my support to you.

[Trimmer]

She's not being fair to you. She's keeping you on a string.

I don't agree that you can reach this conclusively from the information the OP has given. She's just living her life, post breakup, and it's just as likely the OP who is driving the contact and hoping for whatever morsels she will give him. You may have a general belief that this is "what women do", but without more complete information, I don't think you can put it on this particular woman that she's 'stringing him along.'

 

It's up to you to cut that string or to continue to allow her to continue to cut into your heart.

Agree completely with this, in that it's up to the OP to cut that string, or continue to cut himself in the heart by his efforts trying to woo someone back who he has hurt, and who has currently declared herself to be in a relationship...

 

She stopped owing the OP at the point that he dumped her. She doesn't owe him honesty or openness or transparency about her next relationship, or what she chooses to do next with her life.

 

I suggest that you realize your mistake and move on.

Agree with this, too.

 

Another perspective on this: you now know that she's in a relationship, and she knows you know this. You should consider that continuing to pursue her while she has declared herself to be in a relationship might be seen by her as a sign of disrespect.

 

She's with this other guy and you are on a leash. When you have contact with her, she's just pulling on the leash to make sure the dog is still there. nothing more.

Again, I suppose it's a matter of interpretation, but since the OP is the one who freaked out and dumped her, and is now the one with his hand out, begging for whatever small treats he can get from her, I think she should get the benefit of the doubt here as to whether she is "yanking the leash." It doesn't really affect the analysis or the outcome all that much, but it does have the tendency to cast the OP as the victim here, which he is not, and he should not be encouraged to perceive himself as such.

 

I definitely can understand the benefits of no contact for me to heal and for her to miss me etc. What i think would happen if i went no contact from here on out is she would just forget me and chalk it up as a loss and move on.

That's why it's a mistake to consider NC as a method of getting her to miss you. NC should be considered strictly a way of you healing and moving on - for this it is useful. NOT easy, by any stretch, but better than the alternative of dragging yourself through an even MORE painful process by keeping in contact.

 

On the other hand, NC as a means to affect or manipulate another person, is a highly unpredictable tool - to the point that it becomes little more than a game.

 

Do you think it makes a difference that i dumped her and therefore 'trying to win her back' by showing her I actually do care and making the effort to show her how much, lessens the 'neediness' so to speak.

No - I think you're grasping at straws - I don't think that simply wearing the label of "dumper" is all that pertinent. In fact, you should endeavor to get past the labels, and look at it as though you are someone who wants to get back together with an ex who has stated that she doesn't want to. The particular word that's written on your "Hello, I'm...." nametag doesn't really change how needy you will come off in your attempts.

 

Also when we were together she was always asking me to do something romantic and grand, she just eats that stuff up so even though i know the dynamic is different now, i feel that has to work in my favour somewhat.

Or...... it may come off as too little, too late. You mentioned that she said she's carrying some resentment. Depending on the depth and nature of that, couldn't this also come off as, "Oh, now that you've hurt me, you whip out the grand gestures?"

 

I will make sure i do not put her in a position to make a decision or commit to anything. I will add a note with it that explains this. That i simply want her to know how much i have missed her, that i made a massive mistake, one that will not happen again if we are lucky to connect again. Putting no pressure on her but also reminding her of how good we were and can be again now that im ready to deal with my issues with her, it would atleast make her think about me for the future, whenever that is.

I'm sorry, but do you really think a note, saying "hey, no pressure here..." is going to relieve the very obvious pressure you are applying? You're swinging for the fence - you said it yourself - hoping for a grand, romantic, home-run of a gesture. Be honest: especially with her being in a relationship now, your whole point is to keep yourself on the front burner and to actively compete. Just saying the opposite in a note doesn't make it so. It has the flavor of someone who starts a sentence with "No offense, but..." and then goes on to say something offensive. I believe this will make you sound - at a minimum - clueless, and possibly even disingenuous and manipulative.

 

i feel like i have to hit a home run as I know i crushed her pride and heart, so I have to put myself out there and be willing to risk it all for her.

Yeah, I'm sure that she won't perceive any pressure there...

 

Although ive come to the decision to send it, im not sure when. Im thinking before valentines day so she doesnt think im doing it just cause its that day. And also if her new guy decides to do something nice it wont top this i hope haha. A part of me thinks that sending it then may be too soon.

I'm going to reiterate my earlier comment about the fact that she's declared herself to be in another relationship. If you must label yourself, maybe think about the fact that by virtue of her decision to try moving on, you are no longer the "dumper" but you're now the guy trying to break up her relationship. How does that label feel?

 

In the human tradition of minimizing and dehumanizing our competitors, enemies, and those we fear, you have very understandably labeled her new partner as "the rebound guy", but don't fool yourself into believing that this is how she sees him. And if you come in with guns blazing, acting as if you assume that her current relationship is not worthy of respect, is that really going to make points with her?

 

Quite contrary to your intention to "put yourself out there" for her to approach when she is ready, this may have the effect of leaving her feeling like you are staking some kind of ownership claim upon her, as if no other suitors - even the one she has currently chosen - merit respect. Hey, maybe she'll find that romantic, just like happens at the end of all those realistic Hollywood movies. But beware unintended consequences...

Edited February 7, 2011 by Trimmer

[ConfusedGuy23]

Thanks for the advice trimmer.

 

A couple of points, you are correct inn saying she is not yanking the leash. She is definately handling this all in the right way. At the start we were both making contact, now we are both not making contact. She hasn't disrespected me at all, and I haven't disrespected her at all. It hasn't been a 'bad' break up. Yes it has hurt us both, but we have both still alot of respect for each other. Well thats my perspective anyway.

 

I can kind of see why the labels you mention at this point don't mean a thing at this point. As the for the mention of her not wanting to get back together, she actually said she does. She just cant right now as she is still heartbroken. Whether that is the truth or not, I dont know.

 

Again i can see your point of the grand gesture being too late. And yeah the resentment may affect that, but i do know her well enough to be able to say with some certainty that she would lean more towards appreciating it more than resenting it.

 

You have definitely raised some good points, ones that make me second guess my decision. I dont know now, I do love this girl. The time apart from her has definitely made it clear to me that she is the one that I want to end up marrying one day. She was/is the girl that i loved more than anyone. I just had a freak out, arent we all allowed one mistake? I do believe i have to fight for her and show her this as i believe deep down she still loves me too.

 

I really do not want to come across as pushing her away from this guy, I just dont know now. Im so confused.

 

What do you guys think i should do? keep in mind that im not hanging around and waiting. I am getting out there and getting back into sports, hanging out with mates. All the classic things to do after a breakup. Basically the end goal is I want to back with her again at some point. What should i be doing or do?

[gator12]

SHe's in another relationship right now. Doing anything but staying in NC at the current moment would be detrimental. Right now she has all of the power, you are essentially the dumpee. You coming back begging right now will only hurt any chance you may have of getting back together.

 

You need to let this rebound play out, I read somewhere 90% of the time rebounds don't work out and I am very inclined to believe that. SHe's still heartbroken, the rebound relationship cannot work if one person is emotionally unstable. He will help her to heal while you do your own healing in NC, after they break up she may come back to you, or it may finally be your turn to pursue her since you did technically dump her. Right now nothing to do but stay in NC and heal yourself, and look at what went wrong in the relationship, because it wasn't perfect, try to find those things and fix them if you can, they will help you. And if you should ever get back together will help your second chance.

 

-Gator