Have I ruined my chances of reconciliation by starting NC too late? GIGS

[arcticjunky]

Hi everyone i'm sorry if this is too long but I would like to talk to someone about this... about a week and a half ago my girlfriend told me how our relationship wasn't the same anymore, and that i'm never romantic anymore but treat her more as a friend. This isn't completely true, but we both became too comfortable and took each other for granted. She spent a few nights at her friends house. During a phone call I asked her if she had feelings for anyone else. She admitted she was beginning to develop feelings for someone at work but assured me she has not seen him outside of work, or cheated on me. I trust her and can at least respect she told me.

A day later she came over and I wanted to just hang out with her, but when i saw her i got upset and we spent the whole time talking about how she wants a break, trying to make her reconsider, and i kept asking about the guy she likes. I eventually told her to leave and when she got home she texted me saying how sad she was about it and that she wished she didnt like him, and was going to try and transfer to a new restaraunt to work at.

A few days later I contacted her asking her to meet up with me because we needed to talk about this. She said she would later on that night, but when the time came she ignored my call, so i texted her saying we needed to meet up so i could have closure. She said she couldn't do it and was crying on the phone, but said she would come to my house tomorrow to talk. The next day I knew what was coming, she would tell me she still needed time, but i still longed for her to come so i could see her. She came, told me what I knew i would hear, but i could tell she was upset. As she left she hugged me and i looked at her and said "your mine" and she said "i know" and we kissed, as she left I said how its been an amazing 3 years, and she began to cry. When she got home she said how that was the hardest thing she had ever done.

The next morning i called her asking if she planned on seeing other people or getting with guys, because I wanted the relationship to work out, and i did not want to start talking to other girls and hurt our chances of making it work, nor did i want her to. She said she didn't plan on it but doesn't know, but agreed it would hurt her if we got back and i had got with other women, and said she wouldn't get with guys, and she wasn't doing this to get with other people. She told me she would call me later on that night.

She didn't call that night but in the afternoon the next day she texted "hey" to me I ignored it and twenty minutes later she said "i hope you have a good day at work", i said "you too and I have something to show you online tonight". I recorded myself singing two songs by john legend that fit how i'm feeling perfectly, and put them on youtube privately in hopes or serenading her.

This happened yesterday, and today after work she was supposed to come over to see whatever i had to show her, but didn't as her mom has been freaking out that she is losing her daughter. My girlfriends actions (going out more, sleeping at friends) seem like she is beginning to think the grass is greener on the other side, or has for a little while and finally had the courage to end it with me.

I am understanding of what she is going through, because during our relationship I started developing feelings for another girl and the fact that I could be attracted to someone else seemed to give me GIGS, i questioned our relationship and wanted to start going to parties more, and see what else was out there.

I felt guilty because of these feelings, but space was made between the girl i had interest in and myself, and I seemed to snap out of it and realized how much I really loved and wanted my girlfriend.

I truly do love her and want to be with her still and I hope I haven't seemed too desperate/ crazy and pushed her away for good. She has remained in contact with me almost every day since she began distancing herself from me. I only hopes somehow she realizes the grass isn't greener before she sleeps with someone else. I do know though that I shouldn't spend my time hoping she'll come back, but I would still like to know. Thank you to whoever read all of this and responds.

[timchambo]

My god how these stories seem to parallel each other. They all seem to develop the same way. I don't really have any good advice for you unfortunately. Your girl seems to respect you enough to be fairly honest though I suspect she is keeping some from you. Why do they not share their feelings before they start to stray?

 

How long were you guys together? How old are you two?

 

If she's having feelings for another man, she is considering the break because of this guy trust me. My ex said the exact same thing, she started "dating" him within a couple weeks after we split. This was after 7 years together. She blamed me for the same **** your ex is. Not romantic enough, etc. Excuses I say. I know in my case I did plenty for her when she had time for us.

 

All I can say is be strong, and firm from here out. I don't see a prob with showing her that romantic side with the vids tho.

[arcticjunky]

Thank you for replying, I agree and believe unless she does try and transfer, she will end up being with this guy. But i also know that i considered leaving her for another girl, and thought the grass was greener, but when distance was put between what would've only been a fling, I realized I truly wanted to be with her. We are young, I'm 22 she's 19, and I'm sure that will change everyone's opinions on this but we were together for almost 3 years and were very much in love. We talked of getting married and having kids some day. Thank you for your advice

Edited February 4, 2011 by arcticjunky

[arcticjunky]

Well, like i said before, yesterday she didn't end up coming over to see the songs i sang for her, which she does not know about, she only knows i have something important i need to show her, and is very curious about it. She told me that she doesn't know if she'll be able to come over tonight to see it because she might be going to a restaurant for a party for a co worker after work.

I told her that I couldn't play second string to her new friends/ new life and sit around waiting for her to decide if she is going to come back, if she couldn't even take the time to see what is so important but would rather go to a work party. I said how I think we do need to move on, and now i need to do my own thing, attempting to turn the tables on her. Honestly, I am doing this more to get her to want what she can't have and feel attracted to me, instead of me seeming weak, but I also am doing this for me.

After I said this she said that she isn't doing this to chase guys and go to parties, and she really want it to work. She even asked if i want it to.

 

Please could someone give me advice if I'm on the road to winning her back, I know no one knows for sure and i shouldn't just expect it is going to work out, but I can not really see this being over and it seems to be a phase, or something i can at least try and change.

[arcticjunky]

I am going to begin NC, I am sure she'll say something to me in the next few days, and if she seems curious and willing to see what the surprise i had was, (two love songs i sang on youtube) should I let her come over to see them, as she doesn't have internet at her house. I really would like her to see these before i stop contacting her show her my romantic side, but i don't know if she'll think she has me wrapped around her finger.

[bl22]

Your story is almost identical to mine.

 

 

I hope you follow this advice and dont make any more mistakes....

 

 

1. Stop contact, do not respond to ANYTHING she says, go out with pride, all you are doing now is prolonging your pain and shes edging out slowly with the least amount of guilt. Once shes edged out just enough, YOU'RE HISTORY!

 

2. She will probably get with this guy, and you dont want to hear/see that. So delete her from fb immediately...i mean it...do it otherwise you will see things that knife your heart in two.

 

3. Stop with the sappy love songs, she doesnt see this a sweet...she sees this as PATHETIC. anything you do to try and win her back will be deemed this way, the more desperate you are , the more pathetic you are to her. Everytime you do these things, more respect is lost in her eyes for you. The only way she will ever regain the respect for you is if you show you arent willing to put up with being 2nd best.

 

4. The trust is gone, it wont come back until you have forgot about her and shes grown up abit, that is 2/3 years from now or more...by then you'll have met someone new. Your relationship is now tainted with her betrayal...theres no going back to that unless you start fresh in a few years.

 

5. Start improving yourself. Treat yourself more, get to the gym...be the best YOU that you can be in this life.

 

 

 

Im stil not over my ex after being broken up for 4 months, NC for 3 and half months. I miss her everyday but the pain is gone. I've come a long way and there were a few bumps where I checked her FB and found a pic of her and the guy she left me for cuddled up. Dont make this mistake please. At the end of the day, we would have never done this to them, and they have betrayed us...they arent worth it. Im pretty sure your ego will be bruised right now, you need to get it back. Dont go binge drinking/eating to comfort yourself, take the right steps nessasary to become disciplined and to not take no **** from nobody. Im guessing you were too nice in the relationship and got too comfortable. Get back to the guy you was before you met her, once you do...you will be over her and have the best chance of meeting someone better/reconliation...

[bl22]

 

Please could someone give me advice if I'm on the road to winning her back, I know no one knows for sure and i shouldn't just expect it is going to work out, but I can not really see this being over and it seems to be a phase, or something i can at least try and change.

 

Im sorry to say but i felt like it was a phase...like it was a bad dream...stil feels that way even now sometimes. It isnt a phase, and if it is ...its going to last years not weeks/months. If you need anymore advice on anything then im here to help because I know exactly how you're feeling here.

[poorguy]

Your story is almost identical to mine.

 

 

I hope you follow this advice and dont make any more mistakes....

 

 

1. Stop contact, do not respond to ANYTHING she says, go out with pride, all you are doing now is prolonging your pain and shes edging out slowly with the least amount of guilt. Once shes edged out just enough, YOU'RE HISTORY!

 

2. She will probably get with this guy, and you dont want to hear/see that. So delete her from fb immediately...i mean it...do it otherwise you will see things that knife your heart in two.

 

3. Stop with the sappy love songs, she doesnt see this a sweet...she sees this as PATHETIC. anything you do to try and win her back will be deemed this way, the more desperate you are , the more pathetic you are to her. Everytime you do these things, more respect is lost in her eyes for you. The only way she will ever regain the respect for you is if you show you arent willing to put up with being 2nd best.

 

4. The trust is gone, it wont come back until you have forgot about her and shes grown up abit, that is 2/3 years from now or more...by then you'll have met someone new. Your relationship is now tainted with her betrayal...theres no going back to that unless you start fresh in a few years.

 

5. Start improving yourself. Treat yourself more, get to the gym...be the best YOU that you can be in this life.

 

 

 

Im stil not over my ex after being broken up for 4 months, NC for 3 and half months. I miss her everyday but the pain is gone. I've come a long way and there were a few bumps where I checked her FB and found a pic of her and the guy she left me for cuddled up. Dont make this mistake please. At the end of the day, we would have never done this to them, and they have betrayed us...they arent worth it. Im pretty sure your ego will be bruised right now, you need to get it back. Dont go binge drinking/eating to comfort yourself, take the right steps nessasary to become disciplined and to not take no **** from nobody. Im guessing you were too nice in the relationship and got too comfortable. Get back to the guy you was before you met her, once you do...you will be over her and have the best chance of meeting someone better/reconliation...

 

 

This is all so true!!!! I can see you (OP) are new here. Spend some time looking through LS and you'll better understand the process of a breakup and the process of NC and what it does. If you look at people on here who origonally posted such as you are you will see how their attitudes toward things begin to change after a few months of NC. You can see their clarity increase and the advice they begin to give.

 

So know this, yes you are going through a breakup but more importantly you are going through a process. do things right and the proess is easier, do it wrong and it's much harder

 

Songs, being sweet, letters will make her not come back. So with that the only thing you can do with those things is push her further away and look pathetic while doing it and of course feel worse. You can't make anybody want to come back-but you can make them not want to come back

[depplover_1980]

It's NEVER too late to claim back a little self esteem.

[SimonSerenade]

You've been given some good advice here, This story is also almost identical to mine, I messed up big time when she broke it off with me, Was in a lot of pain, We were also young when we split up, Same age as you guys near enough actually, I was 22, She was 20, Fact you got to accept now is that it's out of your hands, Nothing you can say or do will change her mind, Only alter her view on you all together, Take it from me, I did absolutely everything I could!, Presents, posted a hand written letter, Money to help out, Countless emails stating how much she meant to me, cried for her over the phone, Was even tempted to take my own life sometime's, Nothing changed her mind.

 

All it did was make her see me as some sort of weakling who'd just bend over, unclench and take whatever she had to put up there, You don't so much have to respect her decision because in truth it's a really ****ty thing to do on her part BUT you do have to accept it and make a real good attempt at moving on with your life without her no matter how much it's killing you inside.

 

Seem's to me right now that she needs time to do whatever she wants and you serenading her will make her feel that your cutting in on that and she will slowly but surely resent you for it and you'll end up pushing her further and further away, Best thing to do for you and her is to go no contact and stick to it, Give her the time she needs, Give her the breathing space and give yourself time to come to terms with it and assess if this is really what you want, Personally I'd imagine it would be hard with her having feelings for somebody else cause there's always a chance if reconciliation happened, It would never be all that special again, Good luck mate.

[arcticjunky]

Thank you all for your advice, I don't think i have seemed desperate because i have not begged her to come back at all, but I do understand where you guys are coming from. But i really would like to see her videos, and I wrote a letter not asking her to come back at all, just saying how i accept she needs to do what she wants in her life, maybe even see new people, but that i honestly will miss what we had. I want to send her this as closure and for her to see that she really was special to me even if i stopped acting like it. I would also like to give her the information to go about seeing the videos, and i would like to think that if I said i did these in the initial days after the break up she wouldn't resent me for it. She has always loved me being sweet and singing to her and i feel like I should do this but I don't want to hurt our chances at gettng back together.

[bl22]

honestly the videos thing is a bad idea. if she loved you singing to her, let her miss that...dont force feed that to her! It may tinge the memory of you singing with a desperate plea to get her back. It may work in movies but wont work here.

[Eddie Edirol]

Thank you all for your advice, I don't think i have seemed desperate because i have not begged her to come back at all, but I do understand where you guys are coming from. But i really would like to see her videos, and I wrote a letter not asking her to come back at all, just saying how i accept she needs to do what she wants in her life, maybe even see new people, but that i honestly will miss what we had. I want to send her this as closure and for her to see that she really was special to me even if i stopped acting like it. I would also like to give her the information to go about seeing the videos, and i would like to think that if I said i did these in the initial days after the break up she wouldn't resent me for it. She has always loved me being sweet and singing to her and i feel like I should do this but I don't want to hurt our chances at gettng back together.

 

 

Dude, nothing is going to get her back to you. Women usually dont move backwards like that, especially when they think some new ghuy is a better fit for her than you. Also especially since you were with her for 3 years, and she checked out of your relationship for the last year. Nothing you do or say will make her want to come back. The only thing that will make her reconsider is if you show her you dont need or want her. Just like BL22 You have to cut off communication, delete the videos, do not send them to her, and ignore her texts. She is only contacting you out of guilt because she deceived you and didnt give you a heads up that she was breaking it off for the last few months.

 

it will be hard to do, but trust me, dont reply to her, cut her off, act like you dont need/want her. She HAS to know you dont need her and that you will be a challenge again. It most likely wont get her back, but you will keep some pride that way.

[arcticjunky]

Again, thank you everyone for your great advice even if i refused to take it. I went to her house yesterday to show her them and she did love them, and she seemed like she genuinely missed me and missed us, and we were on good terms for the day, and I felt good again, but I could tell something wasn't right. I went to her house after work to sleep there, and while she was sleeping checked her phone and saw that she had gone on a date with the co worker and at least kissed him while we were still together, and had seen him since our break.

So needless to say we are done now, and I have no plans of reconciliation even if she ever wanted to. I don't regret showing her that stuff cause at least now she knows how strong my love was for her, and if she ever regrets her decision, she'll have to live with the fact that she threw something good away. I feel better today then I have in the past two weeks since we started the break. Probably because I feel relieved, and don't have to wonder what her true intentions were,and don't think in my mind she really doesn't want this and is just confused.